It's been 3 days since I seen OM, I am going insane. I know It's the best thing for me but why do i feel so devistated. I am trying to get those feelings back with my husband but it seems almost impossible right now. I feel nothing. My husband has been so great through this, I hope I made the right choice on going back. I don't want to hurt him again.

I'm no expert, but here is my 2 cents.

You are going through a loss (the OM) and need to deal with that loss. It is going to take time for you to deal with that, just as it is going to take time to reconnect with your H.

Just think back to the days when you two were connected and use that as a starting point. Take each day one at a time, don't overanalyze the things he says, do what you can to meet his ENs. It's easy to drift apart if we let it. (That's what I'm dealing with with my WW)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chtr:
<strong> It's been 3 days since I seen OM, I am going insane. I know It's the best thing for me but why do i feel so devistated. I am trying to get those feelings back with my husband but it seems almost impossible right now. I feel nothing. My husband has been so great through this, I hope I made the right choice on going back. I don't want to hurt him again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wendy,
It will probably help, if you do not focus on not *wanting* to see OM anymore. You will want to see him for quite some time..your decision is not a magic pill..it is a decision to do the honorable thing.

It is also fairly fruitless right this instant to attempt to retrieve your "in love" feelings for your H. You have invested those feelings in OM..the relationship with OM must first die..then a grieveing period..then slowly you will be able to once again invest them in your H and your marriage by allowing H to discover and fill your needs.

Have you read any of the books from ths site? They would be very helpfull in assisting you to understand the formulaic nature of your A and give you some sound guidelines and timelines which may help you over the *hump* so to speak. Allow you to see the end of the tunnel.

Just roughly..it will take about 3-6 weeks of ZERO contact for your worst symptoms of withdrawl from OM to subside..every contact puts you back at day one. So what does that mean, Wendy? It means that if you give in to the pain and loss..and seek relief you get...more pain and desire. It isn't worth it.

It also means..that your feelings about your H and your marriage right now today..are very greatly skewed by your withdrawl from this addictive relationship. Saying at this point.."I don't feel right in my marriage" is more than likely the road to rationalizing further contact with OM than anything else. Intellectually you realize this..if you are at all familiar with the concepts of MB. So what is to be done?

Wait out your withdrawl. Just accept that it will be painfull and that you will not be gratified by your H and your M at this time. Realize that uncharted time will flow toward your weakness..so if you are sitting with nothing to do..you will focus and obsess to a greater extent than if you were engaged elsewhere. So get busy. Stay honest and accountable. Read and study affair dynamics and marriage recovery material as though your life depended on it. It largely does.

Welcome to MB, and good luck to you,

Noodle

I'm an expert at stopping seeing OP, I did it six times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...

(1) Yes, you did the right thing.
(2) It will get better. Having an A is a lot like having an addiction--there is a period after you end the A that you want to go back, but going back just makes it worse.
(3) You and your H need to get into MC as soon as possible. You and he have to find out those things that were missing in the M that led you to the A.

If you have any problems or questions, don't hesitate to post them to this board. We are here to help...

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

Oh my dear - I totally know what you are going through. It's horrible right now but it will get better, honest. You need to stay on course and don't break NC. If you do that will just set you back even further than before.

You did the right thing, you are on your way to getting your integrity back and that is a great thing. Withdrawals are tough and can be a slow process but you will be proud of yourself in the future for sticking it out now.

Yep. Youre in withdrawal..and it's beginning. Hang in there! It is like getting off a medications that makes you loopy but feel good.

Again, echoing our friends posting to you here, it will last a few weeks. Not forever. It is the dopamine in your brain making your gonads do strange things. That is all. Please talk to yourself and when the "urge" kicks in, say something factual and imho...completely un-romantic like "it's only my brain talking to my gonads that makes me want to lie to my H" that will ground you and take the urge away.

You can also try what my sis did...my bro in law cheated on my sis. Their counselor had her do reverse negative association. Every time she had a negative thought about her H, (she was having a hard time coming back to her H after his A), she would snap the rubber band on her wrist (ponytail holder she was to wear at all times) and think of the happiest moments of their marriage to pull her back to this very day..not yesterday..not a month ago. It has worked great! I used that principle but my sitch ended differently ok?

The "snap" of the rubber band is to remind you of not seeing the OP. You suddenly stop after feeling that pain, and remember the happiest time of being married. If whenever you think of OM, the snap will come to mind. basically, OM=pain. H=good memory. Way to trick your brain in getting thru withdrawal.

You are normally feeling what you should now feel. And it's understandable you feel lukewarm to your H. You're going to get thru this and slowly, as the band snaps on your wrist about a 100 times, you'll begin to warm up to your H again. It is a process.

But remember...it is a DECISION. So many people cheating out there declare "but it just happened. I can't help myself from talking/being/sleeping with OP"...THAT IS A COP OUT. YOU CHOOSE TO BE MARRIED. LOVE IS A DECISION. IT IS NOT A FEELING THAT IS DIRECTLY TIED TO YOUR SEX HORMONES. Love is a choice. The smart choice is your husband. The stupid choice would be LETTING YOUR HORMONES AND GONADS DIRECT THE ACTION OF YOUR BRAIN. That's what an affair is.

It is an equation basically.
Maybe I can clarify. My xh is classic WH type guy. He's all about being admired...or better yet, worshipped. Here would be his affair equation:
admiration/hero worship + dopamine + gonads = true love.

Now what's wrong with that picture? If we examine the equation, we see that is a combo of the following:
1)huge biggie EN that the WS perceives is "missed" by the BS...( I never treated him poorly...I just did not fall on my knees declaring he was the greatest man on earth and was worthy of cult status ok?)
2)the EN is paired with the dopamine/gonad response
3)which CREATES A FALSE ILLUSION OF A SOULMATE.

That is the anatomy of an affair basically. It's not that romantic. It is degrading. Are you gonna let yourself be ruled by some ugly organs that are smaller than your brain? I don't think so.

And then what happens to A partners, OP when the hormones dissipate? Their FALSE IN LOVE FEELING RUNS OUT THE BACK DOOR. It's not real love. It's not MATURE LOVE. It is "gonad lust" plain and simple.

Try to "think" your way through withdrawal. Write down your thoughts. Post to us. I have a job which deals in human physiology. I "get" the whole brain/chemical/gonad deal. OP comes in, hones in and uses radar to center in on your emotional weak spot, fills that huge en on your end, and then at same time, makes your brain secrete hormones in conjunction with that EN being filled...voila! You're in love! Or you THINK you are.

A recent survey (maybe somebody can find it) done either last year or a year ago showed how to fall in love. Basically it was a recipe to make a date "work" out. It went like this. Asked questions of new couples. What made them want to commit? Answer came in form of adrenaline. The "adrenaline rush". Say you take a date to a movie and it's a scary one. You get an adrenaline rush during really scary chase scene during movie. Date puts arm around you and offers reassuring kiss at that moment. Whammo. You've felt the first part of the whole brain/chemical/gonad response. Then the date takes you out for ice cream, coffee, etc..and is kind to you, fills EN's...Secures second date. And same thing for alot of people who work in high adrenaline jobs...why alot of people have affairs at work basically.

When you break it down, it's not about romance. It's all wrong. It's about the equation. And your H will be very capable of filling your love equation if you allow enough time for withdrawal to occur and HE LEARNS MB CONCEPTS.

I think if you can ride this period, you can make it great!

Good luck. We're pulling for you and your H!

Hi chtr,

I'm in day 5 of NC with OW, and I can definitely relate to how you feel. The circumstances are a little different -- my W has filed for divorce, we are separated -- but I've resolved that permanent NC with OW is necessary even though she's pregnant with my baby.

OW and I worked together for three years, and our A (beginning as an emotional A) took up most of the last 10 or 11 months, interrupted with a brief and failed attempt at reconciliation with my W last fall. This week, my job situation is changing, and I'm transitioning out of this position and company. In the meantime, despite the fact our boss has structured it so we never work together in the same location again, OW is still emailing, calling, etc. And though I've not reengaged, it is HARD and the withdrawal is real. I'm taking more drastic steps to keep her from contacting me anymore, but I can definitely attest that even the most minor contact like she's initiated makes it harder and heightens the sensations of withdrawal.

Which for me is all it is. Withdrawal. Loss of a superficially satisfying relationship. Just her one-way contact makes it worse. I've got support, friends and family around me to help, and of course the encouragement of everyone here.

We can get through this together, chtr. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> NC means NC. We need to keep our eyes on the prize and ride out this next three weeks, or risk starting all over again. The sooner this phase -- which is all it is -- is past, the sooner we can redirect these emotions where they belong, toward our BS.

Lost -

I'm sorry for your situation but you sound strong and willing to go through whatever it takes to push forward without the OP in your life. Good for you and thanks for encouraging Chtr too, the first few weeks are a b!!ch but it's well worth it.

When you get on the other side of withdrawal (and you will) you will look back and realize all that you have learned, how wonderful your spouse is, and most of all, you can look at yourself in the mirror again.

~~~edited to babble on just a bit more~~~

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: chackler ]</small>

Chtr,

As a FWW I have understanding and empathy for what you’re currently going through. Please read this thread on withdrawal thoroughly. It will give you much insight and understanding in this withdrawal process and why you’re feeling the way you do. It also contains some quotes from Dr Harley about withdrawal.

Please don’t give into the urge to contact this man… Continue coming to this board for help and support. We are here to help and support you through this. And if you feel like contacting OM, then post/vent on this board or contact your H instead. Or get a trusting same sex friend or confidant you can speak to. You will see this will get better with time and patience. It will also help if you can go to a trusting, professional outside person (like a counselor or pastor) to help you get your feelings out and to help & support you through this withdrawal process. Anti depressants can also be of much help during this time if necessary.

Suzet

Suzet,

THANK YOU for posting the link to that thread. I'm reading through it now. Day 7 NC!