Heres my story

She:35
Me:34
Married 5 years
Together for 11
Separated 2.5 months
No kids

I have been with my wife for 11 years. We have had good times and bad times. I definitely did not meet her needs, she definitely did not meet mine. She is an incredible person, and she feels the same for me. We actually started going out in high school, then broke up through college. Essentially, we grew apart. I am currently in therapy for myself and she will be attending soon (or so she says). Through the years, we have talked about separating 5-6 times, but always have reconciled with plans on going through marriage counseling, which we did do for a short time but got complacent.

She feels like we were not meant to be together, we shouldnt have gotten married etc. I feel like we both came from broken homes and learned our behaviors from our parents. Everything she remembers now is bad!

She fell in love with some guy in another state through the telephone. She met him when she was training in another state. This didnt happen until after she told me she wanted to separate, etc. But still, it happened and I definitely feel betrayed. She says they have stopped talking, but I am not so sure. She was saying she loved me like a brother, wasnt in love with me, etc. She actually flew to his state and also was looking at houses in his state on the internet. She also turned 35 and I feel is having a mid life crisis minus the menopause. She says she doesnt know who she is or what she wants to be, etc. In my eyes, she has practically lost her mind! She knows I know about it - I confronted her. I also know eveything about the guy there is to know - addresses,social security #, etc etc.

She told me yesterday she is filing in 2 weeks. I asked her to hold off (because I am barely surviving!) but I am not sure she will. Again, she feels like our love wasnt enough, we arent meant to be together, etc.

Any suggestions? Plan A or Plan B? I was going to write a letter tonight with everything in it (I dont feel like I ever said everything I needed to) with a positive spin. And then trying to be positive in all of our contacts with each other (right now they always denigrate to more emotional fueding).

HELP!!! Any questions,etc, please ask and I will respond.

Thanks,
Separated Husband.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: separatedhubby ]</small>

Lots of "fog" talk coming from your wife. There are lots of people here that can help. Also read "His Needs / Her Needs" and "Love Must be Tough". It is important that you react to this in the correct manner.

Bump

First, I would hardly say it is over. My FWH and I were seperated for over 6 months. He is now home and we are rebuilding our live together. You need to get a Plan together for what you want to do. Start by reading up on Plan A immediately, this is a great place to start. Also, take a look at your life. Do you like the person you are? If not, what do you want to change? Figure that out and start working on it, not to save the M but to be a better person for yourself. I see that you are in therapy, that is very good. They will help you understand things and help you to get through this horrible time. How is your support network, family? Friends? You will need them, do not be afraid to ask for them.

How are things between you and your WW? Do you talk? Will she see you?

Kloe:
I am so happy to hear about your recovery! I love to hear about another M saved.
I would like to ask you during the time that your WH moved out of the house, did he continue his A? What type of plan A did you follow? It seems to me that once they are in the fog with someone else in their life to satisfy their needs they feel they are not in love with their W anymore and want nothing else to do with them.

Stacy - Yes he continued to see OW once he moved out. I worked on myself during this time and becoming a better person. I would send him e-mails about stuff going on at the house or about the baby (I was pregnant at the time) just so he would have to think about me. If I got a funny e-mail I would forward it to him with a quick note. I had a few outburts of LB's in the beginning but got those under control. I made our home a very pleasant, safe place. He had to come over weekly to do the cat box and take care of the yard. He started staying for longer and longer periods of time. When we were together I was pleasant and tried to be fun to be around. I held off the crying until he would leave, who wants to be around someone who is depressed? I never asked him to do anything, but made sure he knew what I was getting done around the house and for the baby. I know he started to feel left out. Over time, he saw what he was about to lose. Not just me but our whole family and life together. The key is to make sure what they are losing is something they would want to lose. If you are constantly crying and screaming, they will be happy to get rid of that. But if you are pleasant, funny and nice to be around, why would they want to lose that?

Kloe:
Did you feel hopeless in the beginning? Did you H tell you he didn't love you anymore and seem cold and distant?

I'm afraid sending him emails and talking about the house and what the kids and I are doing contantly might annoy him. I am so afraid of losing him and have asked him to please hold off filing for 6 months to think things over maybe go to counselling. He told me he would, but 6 weeks..6 months doesn't matter I hurt him deeply and he will never forgive me for what I did. He is still going to go through with it. I am confused..if he is so determined, then why wait? No one really knows how they will feel in 6 months anyway. Could this be anger talking? Plus he is also continuing his EA by phone. He has lied about it a few times, but finally told me the truth after I pressured him. It seems a very tough spot for him to confess(guilt?)

I have just stopped the crying and pleading and am really trying to focus on a good plan A. He has to come up to the house every weekend to pick up the kids so I do get to see him. My mind just wanders to what he is doing when he's away..its very hard.

Is there any other suggestions?

Seperatedhubby - Sorry to threadjack, but I think this could help you too...

Stacy - Yup, I felt completely hopeless and depressed. He was so cold and distant while he lived with me after D-day. That's why when he said he wanted to move out, I pushed him out the door. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't stop crying for 6 months. Now we are closer then ever.

Why would he get annoyed if you e-mailed him about the house or kids? I love e-mail instead of calling because he can look at it when ever he has time. Whereas, if you call and he doesn't want to talk to you, it hurts. Tell him something funny or cute one of the kids did. Do you have a digital camera? Send funny pictures of the kids. Ask his advice on how to do something around the house. This has two benefits, one contact and he has to think of you. And two he sees you doing things on your own and moving on. It might not seem like he cares, but deep down he does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so afraid of losing him and have asked him to please hold off filing for 6 months to think things over maybe go to counselling. He told me he would, but 6 weeks..6 months doesn't matter I hurt him deeply and he will never forgive me for what I did. He is still going to go through with it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did you do to hurt him? Do you want to start your own thread with your specific situation that people can help you with?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kloe72:
<strong> First, I would hardly say it is over. My FWH and I were seperated for over 6 months. He is now home and we are rebuilding our live together. You need to get a Plan together for what you want to do. Start by reading up on Plan A immediately, this is a great place to start. Also, take a look at your life. Do you like the person you are? If not, what do you want to change? Figure that out and start working on it, not to save the M but to be a better person for yourself. I see that you are in therapy, that is very good. They will help you understand things and help you to get through this horrible time. How is your support network, family? Friends? You will need them, do not be afraid to ask for them.

How are things between you and your WW? Do you talk? Will she see you? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kloe72,
First, congrats on your reconcilement!!! I hope only the best!

I am making major changes in my life. I am in therapy for myself (have been since beginning of Dec). I come from a broken home, both parents alcoholic, and am myself one (recovering 11 years - yep, I quit when I was 23). Essentially, we grew apart and I cut myself off emotionally (which I am learning is a coping mechanism from my childhood). So, in essence, no I am not happy with me, where I am, etc and am taking steps to ensure I never return here. My support system is decent but I am lonely alot (arent we all when separated? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

She feels like she is codependent, that we arent compatible, and she doesnt want to 'work' at a relationship. After the thing with the guy (not sure if it is still going on...everytime I inquire, it just blows up) she started saying she wasnt in love with me anymore, that she loved me like a brother, etc.

I basically have 3 months before she can legally divorce me. At first, she showed signs of possibly reconciling, but that went out the window as time passed and she developed feeling for the OM (via phone, email, text, internet...nothing based on reality!).

So...thats where I am at. Any more advice is greatly appreciated. No problem with the threadjack either.

Thanks!

Ok,
Back again. Spoke with her last Sunday and she said she is filing on March 8th. Now, even with that, I still have 3 months.

I am considering a few items. Keep in mind, she said she wanted a divorce first, and then became involved with someone (though she was problably becoming involved while it was all happening). So now I am considering the following:

1. Writing a letter this week to get out what I havent. Not a needy type letter, just reaffirming my love for her, that therapy is helping and that I am not turning my back on her event though I am mad and hurt as hell.

2. Calling the OM and telling him to leave her alone. No threats, etc. Just presenting myself and my marriage and asking him to stay out!

3. Then just trying to create as much positive interaction as possible. Not flowers every day or anything like that.

I am not sure Plan B is for me...simply because she wants the divorce and she is infatuated with another man to a certain degree - though she did tell me they are no longer talking (which I am not sure I believe).

HELP!!!

Thanks all.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Separated:

What is the best way to communicate to her that you want to stall the divorce?

Will she consider going out with you just for a nice dinner?

Does she like flowers?

You need to have an opportunity to do PLAN A to address the emotional needs that you were not meeting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong> Separated:

What is the best way to communicate to her that you want to stall the divorce?

Will she consider going out with you just for a nice dinner?

Does she like flowers?

You need to have an opportunity to do PLAN A to address the emotional needs that you were not meeting. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Mimi and thanks for responding.

I sent flowers in the beginning, and at Valentines day (with a card, chocolate and book cd for her car). The letter definitely addresses that I want our marriage to work. I guess I could ask her to dinner, but feel she'll say no. I hinted at a few things and she didnt bite.

Another pressing issue: Should I call the OM? Express my desire for him to not talk to her anymore. I suspect he will call her and tell her, but maybe it will get to him - assuming he has a shred of character.

Any other ideas/suggestions welcomed.

Thanks.

A letter as such is not a bad idea. Write it as a plan B letter i.e. indicating you are addressing the issues as you see them and want to rebuild your life together. The “don’t contact me anymore part” is obviously not necessary in this version. Instead of speaking to OM, just send him a copy as well as her parents/siblings.

Plan A is about meeting needs and making you a desirable person. It is also about lovingly rocking the boat....HARD. Do the infidels train together? Is he a supervisor of hers? Do they work for the same company? Is he married? What I'm getting at is the exposure aspect. What has been done to date to bring this out in the open?

Also...as she has indicated she will be filing, you are now forced to seek counsel. Get to a lawyer and educate yourself, tell him/her that you want to reconcile, but need to protect yourself financially in case that option is not provided you.

BTW that “we were not meant to be together, I don’t love you anymore” crapolla has been drilled into her vernacular at Wayward Spouse High. They all chant that mantra before lunch breaks and final bell. Just pretend the Super Bowl is on and ignore her

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Binder:
<strong> A letter as such is not a bad idea. Write it as a plan B letter i.e. indicating you are addressing the issues as you see them and want to rebuild your life together. The “don’t contact me anymore part” is obviously not necessary in this version. Instead of speaking to OM, just send him a copy as well as her parents/siblings.

Plan A is about meeting needs and making you a desirable person. It is also about lovingly rocking the boat....HARD. Do the infidels train together? Is he a supervisor of hers? Do they work for the same company? Is he married? What I'm getting at is the exposure aspect. What has been done to date to bring this out in the open?

Also...as she has indicated she will be filing, you are now forced to seek counsel. Get to a lawyer and educate yourself, tell him/her that you want to reconcile, but need to protect yourself financially in case that option is not provided you.

BTW that “we were not meant to be together, I don’t love you anymore” crapolla has been drilled into her vernacular at Wayward Spouse High. They all chant that mantra before lunch breaks and final bell. Just pretend the Super Bowl is on and ignore her </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Binder. I am writing her the letter minus the no contact as you suggested. I am still considering calling him and exposing it more. She knows I know (I confronted her) and he knows I know (I called him one night and hung up-he has caller id). So I might call him again and this time talk to him and then try to tell every relative of his I can find. For my wife, her sister and 3 friends know. I am hesistant to tell her family...it will only drive her further from me I feel and anger her more.

They are 800 miles apart and she recently swore they stopped talking because she was 'married'. I am not so sure I believe it simply because she says she is only doing it for me. Which of course, is a bit ridiculous.

Its going to get interesting soon. I am not going to roll over and let my marriage die. I cant!

Thanks.

OK...a few more comments.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am still considering calling him and exposing it more. She knows I know (I confronted her) and he knows I know (I called him one night and hung up-he has caller id). So I might call him again and this time talk to him and then try to tell every relative of his I can find. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A hang up call does not confirm squat. A copy of the letter will let him know that there is a loving husband wanting to heal his marriage. That is the most you can expect to accomplish. You have NO IDEA WHAT SHE TOLD HIM!! FROM NOW ON DO NOT BELIEVE A THING SHE SAYS!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am hesistant to tell her family...it will only drive her further from me I feel and anger her more.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please benefit from my experience. My WW now owns her own house and the affair continues. Place your ear against your computer screen.

EXPOSURE IS ONE OF THE ONLY OVERT ACTS YOU CAN PERFORM THAT WILL HASTEN THE END OF THE AFFAIR!!! SHE WILL BE LIVID!!! DO NOT LET THE FEAR OF HER ANGER PREVENT YOU FROM DOING WHAT IS NECESSARY!! YOUR MARRIAGE IS AT A CRITICAL POINT!! TOO LATE MAY BE TOO LITTLE!!!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They are 800 miles apart and she recently swore they stopped talking because she was 'married'. I am not so sure I believe it simply because she says she is only doing it for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said, don't take anything she says as reliable. Do you know if he's married? My WW told me her OM was separated and going through an amicable divorce. I was the one that broke that news to his wife.

You also failed to describe the nature of their professional involvement. Is there an angle there.

Thanks again Binder.

She doesnt have a working relationship with him really. He is 600 miles away, and she traveled for work setting up training programs. She said he started to call her to ask about the program and then it 'just happened'. He opened up to her and she to him. But she changed jobs and isnt trvaelling now.

I think I need to expose, and I am starting with him I think. A phone call, a letter and maybe his relatives if I can find them. I am not sure I want to go down the 'work' exposure route - not sure of the implications. Its a corporate environment.

Thanks again,.....I am still hear...digesting it all.