Well, here I am in my almost completely empty house, hardly any furniture, just some boxes and last minute stuff....but I made sure my internet connection was going to stay on 'till the very last!

I have had many long conversations with my WW recently, and we view this upcoming move very differently. I see it as a much bigger, more symbolic, journey. She thinks of it as a way for me to get settled, get a counselor, etc. before she moves back to TX.

Because I see it as somewhat of a "fresh start", I have told her that the day I leave, I will resume NC with her. I have also told her that I will be open to dating other women while there. She is not extremely happy about NC, but didn't even flinch at the thought of me dating. She seems to have total confidence that we will pull through this. I am not so sure.

Her main reason for not committing to NC with the OM is a professional one. As those who have been following my story know, her OM could potentially really mess up her opportunities in her residency. So she intends on being b!itchy to him, to encourage him to break up with her, but will not do it herself. That is why I must leave. I can't stand the thought of him holding her every night as they sleep together....and although she has told me she will not have sex with him again, I don't believe her.

So I am heading back to my home state, by myself. I am going with the outlook of me starting over, single again, with the future wide open for me. I am not counting on reconciliation (sometimes I think to myself I would be better off with someone else), but if we are able to in the future, then great.

It will be interesting to see how she handles this increased space between us and complete NC.


Mortarman - you were right. I should have never broken contact. I tried to reinvent the wheel. Thanks for the "tough love"....maybe this time I will get it right....


TM

Hi TM,

Well I for one am glad that your going to be moving on and getting off the RC. If you stick to the NC, you know it will be better for you. I don't know about the dating thing though. I know I couldn't do it, but only you know where your at as far as that goes.

You already know this but don't believe a word that she says. Know that she will probably continue her A, I really hope I'm wrong there. But it doesn't matter because you will be in NC and will be making a 'fresh start' and a new life.

Good Luck,
Native

TM,

Don't be dating, and don't be telling her you will be. You are married, you cannot date.

What message are you sending HER about your marriage by telling her you will date. That it is not sacred, and since she is with OM you will go do the same.

And how unfair to the poor girls you will date. I can see heartache from all the way up here in yankee town.

I guess I should clarify....

By date, I don't mean sleep around....I mean go out and meet new females...I am wondering if I really do deserve better than my WW. I have been with the same woman since I was 17. I am starting to wonder if I have sold myself short. I understand that this may put unnecessary pressure on the M, but shouldn't I be allowed to explore the possibilities? Am I being naive?

Is it wrong of me to want to be sure she is the one for me - I have never doubted it up until the A, but now I wonder almost every day.

I am still not sure I want my W back. She has become the essence of selfishness. I do not want that type of person as my W.


OT a bit...listen to this schedule....I returned from Las Vegas (drove) at about 5pm Sunday, after working 14-16 hour days since Wed, I stayed up packing until 8am Monday, slept 8-11:30am, returned to packing, started loading the trailer, and cleaning, it is now 4am Tuesday, and I have to leave to drive back to Vegas in thirty minutes - no sleep for me tonight - I will work from about 9am to 4 or 5pm, go to sleep for a while, then leave Vegas by 2am or so in order to beat LA rush hour, finish packing, loading, and cleaning, take the cat to the vet, get an oil change, pick up a pane of glass that I broke just recently, re-glaze the window, then go to Ventura for a 2-3hr service call, drive back, sleep at a hotel? - then load the (2) cats, and my dog, and finally HIT THE ROAD for Texas.......WHEW!

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines..." -Lloyd Bridges, Airplane!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


TM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">reconciliation.....maybe</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well,I agree with weaver TM.You should not be dating or even SEEING other women while you are STILL married and with an attitude like that,your WW will not think any better of you either.It does send a wrong message(inside and out) and I am a little perturbed that,being an MB member, you would consider this.

Reread your last post.It has a vague sense of fog about it,just like a WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

JMHO.Take it or leave it.

O

edited for typos~

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 06:19 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I know I have read here many times that it is a good idea, when in Plan A, to let your spouse know you are enjoying life, especially that you are in the company (not necessarily one-on-one) of the opposite sex...gives them a little touch of jealosy.

I don't think I am fogged, but this sleep depravation may be throwing me off a bit...

Oh, another thing....I was so mad at my WW over the last day or so, because all of this stress of the move and the job coinciding so horribly would have never happend if she had not had the A. I get to suffer, yet again, for her poor decisions.....


TM

I agree that sometimes a little touch of jealousy is just exactly what the doctor ordered.

But it has to be very subtle, just a hint if you know what I mean.

You don't actually date and you don't say you are going to date.

If you are out enjoying life and working on yourself, believe me they will get jealous anyway. And a WS is so filled with cheating that they will read things into perfectly innocent sitch's all on their own. They project unto you what they themselves are doing.

However hopefully you will do a very dark Plan B, and then all she can do is wonder and imagine. Might be enough right there.

Then after six months of a dark Plan B, you can maybe make a good decision of whether you want to be married to her anymore or not.

You have no kids, so more power to you is what I say. I would not want to have kids with someone who has already proven they are capable of infidelity.

Oh no wait a minute, I did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes it's a major understatement to say that we as BS'S get the "short end of the stick" going through all this.No doubt about it.Suffering,pain,anguish,humiliation,you name it.

You can let your WS know that you are still living your life and trying to enjoy it while in Plan A but why does this include,for some,the need to try and make the other person jealous or to tempt fate by mingling with those of the opposite sex while in the midst of one of life's most painful traumas? Can you explain your rationale here to me because I for one do not understand why a person would decide this.It makes abslutley no sense to me.

There's nothing wrong with the suggestion that one day,AFTER a D you will be able to be out there and re-enter the dating scene or even just be out there to re-engage in new frienships of either sex.But,not until the current relationship is over and done,you have time to reflect and heal and THEN move onto the next one.

Is this not the most appropriate and healthy way to handle this? This is how I see it.Maybe not all will agree but too many people are just jumping from one marriage/relationship/"friendship" to the other without much thought,only who can fill up my voids now.

You talked about: "deserving better than your WW,sold yourself short,exploring possibilities,want to be sure she is the one for me".All while you are still married.You don't see the irony here TM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just curious.

O

Just going to pop in here. I really struggled with this area. I wanted to be with others who would help me to feel better about myself. I have only been with one man, now my WH. He was out having fun, and I felt like I was left out in the cold having to be the responsible one. I too felt like I wanted to go out a sow some oats...thankfully I did not. Nothing to do with WH...he has made his bed. I just realized very quickly that I was trying to fill a void in my life with something...anything. It was like trying to put bubble gum and a bandaid on a coronary bypass scar. Nope, you got to spend the time effort and suture to heal. Now months into this process, I actually have found that God is filling that void. I am becomming a much better person. I like MYSELF more...and I am often my own worse critic. I didn't post this to tell you my story, only to say that I have been where you are. You will make it through this.

I found some things that helped. I found a divorce support group and a singles Sunday school class that feeds out of the divorce support group. All there know my Sitch, but I have made great friends (both sexes) and have a new social group WITHIN my boundaries.

Another thing to think about when considering whether to "date"...would you date yourself? Or in other words are you in a good enough place with yourself and your relationship with God that you are "datable." If the answer is "NO" and it is to early, you will not only hurt yourself and others, but think of the "dates" that you will attract.

Just food for thought...this is a very personal to me. I have been dealing with a lot of these same thoughts.

BTW, I am from Houston area, there are lots of great divorce ministries in this area! Not sure if this holds true for all of Texas. Hopefully you can find a situation that will allow you to have all the support you need.

Keep us updated on how the distance woks. Let us know if it helps your marriage. I am unfailar with your situation, but I live in Texas and if things are not better by June (I am a school teacher so that is when my contract ends) I am considering trying to move far, far, far away from here with or without my HUsband. I would love for my marriage to work, but I can not force him to start being faithful and honest. For right now I am just praying about everything.

TM,

I am glad to see this. I think this is the best for you. Due not flinch on the NC thing.

On the dating thing...married men do not date! Even if there is not sex. Married men do not date. Keep saying that over and over.

You are married until you are not married. Got it? Is your wife the perfect one? Yes, until you are not married. Does that make any sense? She is perfect because she is your wife. If you want out of this and something different, then Plan D for you FIRST!

You stay true to YOUR vows. Right up until your wife returns (not WW) or until that divorce proceeding finalizes. Until then, conduct yourself with honor and character (unlike your wife, who is giving her body over to a guy so she wont lose her job).

You can do this. You have been great so far, with a few trip-ups. Dont go out of this by screwing up. Finish this right...no matter which way it goes.

In His arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I have read here many times that it is a good idea, when in Plan A, to let your spouse know you are enjoying life, especially that you are in the company (not necessarily one-on-one) of the opposite sex...gives them a little touch of jealosy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, this is game-playing and manipulation. Hasn't the A given you a mouthful of that? Trying to make a WS "jealous" is a game that's likely to backfire, in any case. And you can't fight evil with evil.

There's more to "enjoying life" than sex -- and yes, I know you didn't say you would be "sleeping around," but you are putting yourself in situations where you are likely to be pulled in all sorts of directions. Sex is a likely one. The other women may be pulled every which-way, too. It is not kind to them.

As proof, you can't talk about dating other women without thinking about how your wife will respond -- this is not the place to be dating. You are clearly not available.