I'm having a rough time. Over the course of our 16 year marriage my husband has visited strip clubs without me knowing. Each time I found out I was devastated, and he promised 'never again.' I even tried to be the understanding fun wife and visited these clubs with him a few times. We had a great time!...I got a lap dance (was groped up my shirt and even kissed the stripper)and hubby was VERY happy. I told him that I didnt mind if 'we' went together and to never go without me. He said he would rather I be there and promised to never do anything without involving me.

A few months ago while on a buisness trip hubby was out until 3am. I tried calling his cell phone all night and well into the morning. He came up with a lame excuse and when he got home I searched and found a receipt to a strip club. His pants also smelled of smoke, perfume and had blonde hair all over it. Needless to say I had a major meltdown. We fought and he PROMISED to never-ever do it again...well guess what...he visited a nude strip club last weekend. I found the receipt.

It was such a slap in the face. He made a decision...T and A or my wifes feelings..he chose T and A. I feel like he doesnt respect me at all. He took something that we had fun doing 'together' and selfishly ruined that. He was very remorseful and said I'm sorry, but I dont feel anything this time. I'm numb and I'm very hurt. Our very active sex life has come to hault because I feel so down.

He keeps telling me to just get over it...I cant. I cant let it go. How many times can he knock me down with his promises and not realize that eventually I'll shut down.

He has to go the Florida this weekend for buisness and I'm sick over it. I know this on a very small scale of betrayal compared to what alot of you are dealing with...I feel almost silly being this upset. I'm just so down now and I needed to reach out.

Kara
Any betrayal can be devastating especially when you both agreed upon a solution to this problem and he broke that agreement.
Currently he claims he is not doing anything such as a PA affair or a one night stand but he is living a fantasy life with these other women.
If possible you and him need to get to a pro marriage counselor and he may even require individual counseling.

SM

Kara,

My friend’s H was once involved in the same thing and me any my H was very concerned about this. I posted here and requested links about porn/strippers/strip-club addictions and the consequences thereof. I received the following links:

Strippers, Lies and Money

Husband addicted to porn and strippers

the need to go watch strippers

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Wait, you are willing to go to strip clubs with your husband if he promises to not go without you?

Damn, some guys have no idea how good they got it.

***Wait, you are willing to go to strip clubs with your husband if he promises to not go without you?
Damn, some guys have no idea how good they got it.***

I told my husband years ago that I would not mind the occasional visit to a strip club, like for a bachelor party or somesuch, as long as I knew about it ahead of time.

He still lied and sneaked off anyway, mostly on his frequent business trips.

Now I just feel stupid.
Mulan

Just figured I'd chime in on this one.

From the beginning of our relationship, my wife requested that I not visit these places and I asked her that she stop smoking. We both were fine with that agreement, and I'm pretty sure she's lived up to her end of things just like I've lived up to mine.

I don't know your situation, but frequently when doing business, it is flat out assumed that you go to these places. On several of my trips, the client or a boss has requested to go to one. In all of those cases I explained my agreement, and everything ended up Ok. Some people may not have the strength to do that.

The fact that he kept it secret could mean that he's ashamed of the situation and doesn't want to upset you. Of course it could also mean he's addicted to that type of activity.

Kara2,

Sorry, I'm going to chime in on a different note. My WH also is a porn addict; I also suggested we do it "together." Apparently, this is a common reaction of the spouse of the sexually addicted -- "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I also tried to get into porn. You can't win that way.

Eventually, I learned that the whole goal of porn is to close out a real person. If I joined in, that destroyed the fantasy.

My attempt to participate merely showed how far I was willing to go to "fix" a problem that wasn't mine.

This may or may not apply.

Hi Kara,

I can't say I share your enthusiasm for joining in with your H at strip bars.I find them disgusting and like porn,problematic and addictive in a very unhealthy way.IMO,they objectify women and it allows people to remain physically detached but "get off" on the fantasy.And,many of these women are messed up,abused,demoralized and demeaned.It's not normal especially since he has a living, breathing woman(wife) at home that he should be focusing on.But I digress.

Your H broke a promise to you *repeatedly but IMO that is because you have allowed him to keep apologizing and go back to his,what I deem,bad behavior.He has not suffered any consequence to his actions and keeps expecting you to "get over it"(LB,DJ).Is it your fault HE makes the choice to lie and cover up? Heck no.But,like any other marital problem,he as well as you have obligations to respect one another's needs and boundaries and if your H breaks them then you need to take action.

You have reached a pinnacle here in that I think this last time was the last straw but what is your plan? Don't shut down but take action.How are you going to show him that you mean business THIS time?

O

Kara,

Dont mean to be short here but..................

My WH's first OW was a stripper he met at a club he started visiting.


NUFF SAID

L

Let me start out by saying that I don't like going to strip clubs. I'd rather drive down the street throwing money out the window.

Also, your H broke a promise he made to you, more than once. He had a pretty sweet deal with you that, for whatever reason, was not enough. I'm not diminishing any of that as I post this.

Having said that, I know guys who are a lot like your H. They promise not to go but do anyway. Why? A few reasons I'm told. First, they'd rather lie and take the chance at getting caught than face the wrath (perceived or real) they think they would face by telling the truth. Second, their "innocent" secret really isn't hurting anybody it's just guys being guys. (For every 1000 guys that claim to have fooled around with a stripper you’d be lucky to find 1 that actually did.) Finally, there’s an element of a “pure” relationship when they’re at the clubs: When you run out of money and/or drugs the women are gone. Some guys find that “honesty” irresistible.

The fact that your caught your H more than once tells me he may have wanted to get caught. Receipts are easy to get rid of and many clubs have misleading names to throw “nosey wives’ off the scent. Many of the high end strip clubs in Florida sound like resorts.

I live here. If you decide to check up on him let me know.

Thank you all for your responses and care.

SilentMisery~ This is devastating and I now dont feel so foolish for my feelings. Also..I wanted to compliment your quote about trust..what a visual impact it portrays.

Suzet~ thank you for the links. They were tough to read but I appreciate them.

betrayed man and Mulan~ Yes I agreed to go with him, but it wasn't enough. I completely understand your feeling stupid Mulan...I think its permanently stamped on my forhead.

Extropy~ I understand the position that my husband has been frequently placed in. I dont believe there is an addiction because he only visits these places while conducting buisness. After all..its on the company. In the past when we have had arguments over this, he told me he is his own man and nobody pressures him to do anything he doesn't want to do. What a revelation that statement is to me now. He even went as far to tell me that he was telling his clients...'its so much better when my wife is with me'...to bad he'll never be able to say that again.

A.M. Martin~ I can definately see your point about closing out the real person. As I've stated..I dont think this is an addiction. He has maybe gone(to my knowledge) only a few times this year..all on company time and company money.

Octobergirl~ Your words speak volumes. I can honestly say, they hit a core and choked me up. I havent thought of a plan because I'm so removed and just so damned tired. There are loads of other issues going on in my life and this happened at the height of them all...Damn him! What do I do? How do I show him I'm not kidding? Lets see...falling apart physically and mentally just doesnt get through to him the impact this has on me. I'm scared..more so...I refuse to be a wife that just 'turns a blind eye'(to many women in my have done this). How do I impact him?

Lisa~ you said enough for me to want to offer you a big warm hug.

robby~ He has faced my wrath and its not pretty! I can be volatile and far from angelic and calm because it is damaging to me. I come from a past that has affected me deeply when it comes to betrayal...he knows this but takes the risk anyways. Also..I know all about the receipts..anything that says 'inc.' or doesn't have a phone number or address is a dead ringer.
Thank you for offering your help. I dont have names of places he's staying yet..but even then, its a convention and somebody else could pay for 'play'...I would never know.

Thank you all again your help. I have alot of thinking to do.