Well, I have been lurking for some time reading and learning all of the MB principles. It has been a great help. My first and only post was at this link .......http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=023809
I bided my time. Tried everything I could do to repair the relationship. My WW would have nothing to do with it. Finally she moved out on 2/4. I planned A and then went dark when it was not working. I gained access to one of her email accounts, cell phone records, bank account records (joint account, and started journaling all of her activities on 2/2. I also collected as much information on the OM as possible. It is absolutely amazing what you can find out with a little sleuthing. I never let on what I knew to anyone. Finally on Saturday night I caught WW spending the night at OM's house. I left my business card under the windshield wipers of each of their cars and left. I then proceeded to text message WW's cell phone with a simple "I now know what you are doing". The next day (Sunday) I proceeded with sending her a letter telling her of my wishes to have no further contact with her as long as she was still in the A. I have had mutual friends of ours call me and tell me that they had advised her previously to return home and work out our problems. But she would not listen. Her brother was trying to facillitate a reconcilliation as well, as were her parents. So, when I emailed her the letter, I cc'd all of them so that they would finally understand her actions. I consulted with an attorney and he assured me that I was on good legal footing to rekey the locks on the house and close our joint banking account. Which I have done. I gave her two people she can use as an intermediary in case she needs personal effects out of the house. I have effectively blocked her from any communication with me until she is willing to meet my conditions for a return. Funny thing is, after reading an email she sent to OM last night, it seems their are problems with their affair now. Guilt on his part. She lied to him about something and he found out. Not sure what it was, but I am guessing that it was something to do with what I wanted because she sent my letter to her to him and now he knows where I am at. They work together and he recruited her to the job after working with each other at their previous place of employment. All of the posts about fog and how to tell if your partner is having an affair were very helpful. As a matter of fact, after she read my letter to her Sunday evening, she proceeded to leave me a profanity laced email that was very angry about the exposure. It was so textbook that yesterday afternoon as I drove home from work I found myself laughing about her response. Again, I want to thank all of you for the wisdom shown on this board. A combination of this board and a lot of spiritual counsel from my pastor, bible study, prayer and worship have enabled me to maintain the high road in all of this. No matter what way it turns out, I feel I have, and will continue to better myself.

Just be proud to know that you are an awesome Godly man and you have tried to save your marriage. God will reward you twice fold. I am also from Texas and I am going through some similar stuff. I am still trying to hang in there. I have counseled with my Pastor, prayed up a storm, tried to stand on scripture, etc. I also read the book about Tough Love by James Dobson. I found it to be a great comfort to me. You and your situation will be in my prayers.

God Bless,

Kristi

Thank You Kristi! And you will be in prayers as well. I am not one to post a lot, but at this point I feel a debt of gratitude to MBers for everything that has been shared on this board. I would have been so clueless without it and now I feel totally comfortable with what I have done to protect myself.

I'm sorry you had to go through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Thoughts and prayers go out to you

One other thing....my brother told me today that he thought there might be grounds for a civil suit against other man. Well, back into research mode I went. I found out that "Alienation of Affection" lawsuits had been ruled unconstitutional in Texas back in 1987. However, there are other avenues for redress in Texas. Here is what I found:

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 :::

INTERESTING TORTS: Back when I was in Torts class, I thought one of the more interesting causes of action was the alienation of affection, by which an individual can sue based on damages caused to his or her marital relationship. Mostly rejected today, this tort dealt with the intentional interference with the affections of plaintiff's spouse toward the plaintiff. Imagine the awful emotional turmoil that would result in such a cause of action. Yesterday, the Fourteenth Court of Appeals in Houston rejected a constitutional challenge to the statutory abrogation of the tort of alienation of affection:

The tort of alienation of affection was not recognized in Texas until 1971, even though it also stemmed from the old English common law. Unlike criminal conversation, however, alienation of affection was not abolished until 1987; thus, the tort survived for approximately sixteen years. Therefore, we find alienation of affection was a well-established common law cause of action. The Legislature's abolition of a cause of action based on alienation of affection restricts a party's right to sue a third party for interference with the marital relationship. Thus, since alienation of affection was a well-established common law cause of action which is now prohibited, appellant has satisfied the first criterion.

We next consider whether Texas Family Code section 1.107 meets the second criterion. The legislative bases and purpose behind the statute is similar to criminal conversation in that it seeks to abolish a cause of action which seldom results in recovery to a harmed spouse, but has the potential to inflict great damage. The Committee on the Judiciary heard testimony regarding the use of this statute by vindictive spouses and recognized that, while the cost to defend such a suit is great, the harmed spouse rarely recovers. One particular example presented to the committee concerned two women who were sued for alienation of affection by an aggrieved spouse. The trial lasted five weeks and the two women were eventually exonerated by the jury, but not before accumulating considerable legal fees and suffering great embarrassment. The Legislature also believed alienation of affection was an outdated common law cause of action, which simply did not fit in modern society. Additionally, the cause of action for alienation of affection had been abolished in approximately thirty-five other states.

In considering the balancing test, we find the legislative purpose and rationale of the statute outweigh a litigant's right of redress. Here, as with criminal conversation, the limited value of bringing such a cause of action cannot overcome the strong constitutional presumption afforded a statute. Furthermore, as noted above, appellant has other avenues for relief, including bringing a cause of action for intentional infliction of emotional distress, and utilizing the concupiscence of the wayward spouse to support an unequal just and right division of the community estate. Accordingly, we find Section 1.107's purpose and bases outweigh the right of a litigant to sue a third party for alienation of affection, and we hold Texas Family Code section 1.107 does not violate the open courts provision.
Smith v. Smith, No. 14-03-00016-CV (Tex. App. - Houston [14th Dist.] Jan. 27, 2004, no pet. h.) (citations omitted). I don't know why I find that so interesting.
What do you guys think?

What about workplace exposure?

Given her initial response, don't stop now!

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Worth,
I have certainly thought about that. They are both licensed investment reps working at a major company. I feel quite certain that if the company knew of their character flaws and their conduct (lying and cheating), they would not be comfortable knowing two such individuals were handling their clients' money. At this point, I have not made a decision on pursuing a D. I am trying to be still in the Lord and continue to gather even further evidence. And I guess, a very small part of me wishes to have my wife back. I believe marriage is for better or worse and that God hates divorce. I know I have grounds, but I dont want to make any rash decisions. However, the fog babbling from the alien is saying "D, D, D, I am contacting an atty." So, I guess if she forces my hand, their will be folks from both their former place of employment and the current place that will be asked to testify and then the exposure at workplace will take place no matter what. I really feel that God is making the decisions for me at this point and I think he has done an excellent job so far. No point in changing that.

If you believe this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CrushedNTexas:
<strong> I feel quite certain that if the company knew of their character flaws and their conduct (lying and cheating), they would not be comfortable knowing two such individuals were handling their clients' money.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why wait for divorce court to expose it? If you think that's where you're headed anyway, what's the logic of waiting on the exposure?????
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CrushedNTexas:
<strong>So, I guess if she forces my hand, their will be folks from both their former place of employment and the current place that will be asked to testify and then the exposure at workplace will take place no matter what.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How much "force" would it take for you to play all your cards before the game is already over?

WAT

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Crushed, the exposure at work would NOT be for reprisal, revenge, or vindictiveness. It is for one purpose alone ~ to end the A as fast as possible. Because only then does your M have a chance for recovery. Your WW must have the A ended, probably against her will to some extent (as most addictions end), and she must go through the withdrawals from the fantasy she was pursuing with OM.

So, if you truly have any desire for reconcilliation and saving your M (actually, rebuilding a NEW, BETTER M), you SHOULD expose at work if you think it would help to end the A faster. Your WW will be extremely angry, she will curse and yell even more, BUT, she is not herself right now. When she comes back to herself, she will understand what and why you did what you did.

Peace to you.

Spidey

I appreciate the input guys. I will chew on it and pray about it for a while. Part of me says that the exposure I have done already is going to end this affair. The email I have that she sent him last night, indicates guilty feelings on both sides and him accusing her of being a liar. I think I will give it a week or so to decide. I feel like I hold all the cards now and this can be done on my time now.

Hi CrushedNTexas

I originaly posted to you on your first thread and told you to come to the Infidelity section and I am glad you showed up but I am sorry for what you are going thru. I wondered what happened to you and it's too bad you had to come back since that was over a month ago.

Your original thread had so many red flags that I was sure your wife was having an affair but the one thing you need to know is that she is no different than any other WS(wayward spouse). If you read these stories they are all so similar so listen to the experts on how to proceed.

This will give you the best chance to save your marriage. Please don't make the mistake of thinking if you don't expose the affair that she will come around.

Listen to WAT and others since they have been thru it and can give you the best advice to save your marriage. Good luck to you and I hope things turn around for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Crushed,

Sorry for what you are going through.

Impressed as hell with what you are doing.


Keep up the good work

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CrushedNTexas:
<strong>The email I have that she sent him last night, indicates guilty feelings on both sides and him accusing her of being a liar. I think I will give it a week or so to decide. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On second thought, this is very sound logic.

Let the turmoil simmer.

Self implosion is better than exposure explosion, IMHO.

For BSs, time is ALWAYS on your side.

But do not let ANY exposure cards go unused before it's too late.

WAT

I AGREE WITH WAT -

Never let any exposure card hidden - lay them all out on the table now, let the affair suffer the exposure. It can save your marriage.......or, as someone else has told me several times:

DON'T FEED THE A!!!!

Never give it fuel, never give the lovers a chance to run to each other for solace - wherever they go, someone will know what is going on. If your WW has any sense of conscience left, it will affect her strongly...

David

I am also so impressed at how you are responding to and trying to deal with it. Do you two have kids involved?

Stormy,
no kids. Just two dogs and a cat, which I love dearly!
The thing with workplace exposure is that, it will possibly ruin both of their careers. Being licensed by the SEC and being terminated for their actions by the employer could jeopardize their licenses. Also, if she chooses to pursue divorce, I have the opportunity to name the company as as facillatator in this affair. Am having some checks done to see if this slimeball's previous divorce had allegations of infidelity. Additionally, if she choose to pursue divorce, I will use the workplace exposure to gain an advantage in the settlement. Basically telling her she walks away with nothing or I ruin her and his careers. Nasty business isnt it? If she loses her job, financially, without my support she will not be able to meet her financial obligations, likely resulting in personal bankruptcy. A personal bankruptcy will result in revocation of her licenses as well. She is in a corner the way I see it. Now, if she decides for reconcilliation, I will have to closely follow MB principles for recovery in order to make sure that her efforts are not money motivated. Lots of trust that may or may not be able to be rebuilt in my eyes.

I am glad that children are not involved. I think it is good that you stand up for yourself. Just remeber that you deserve to have some one that is their because they want to make their marriage work, they want to be able to have a loving marriage, etc. If she is just there because she feels bullied or trapped to be there and when she is there things do not change (her reasons for staying do not change) that you do deserve better than that. You deserve at some point (it may take a process or time to get there, I believe in fighting for your marriage) to have a loving, devoted, and faithful wife. Hopefully she will realize soon what a horrible mistake she is making and try to give the marriage a chance.

Crushed,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nasty business isnt it? If she loses her job, financially, without my support she will not be able to meet her financial obligations, likely resulting in personal bankruptcy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read and reread the noodle quote on my sig line. Words to live by!!!

Cy,
never said I was going to shelter her. If she chooses to not try and repair the marriage loss of career and licenses will be a natural outcome of the proceeding. I think the reason that I have chosen not to take this step at this time, is because if we do try and restore the marriage it would be made easier if she were gainfully employed. Now obviously, if we do try and reconcile, one or the other of the two cheaters will have to leave their current position to prevent workplace contact. Without her licenses though, she would have to find a new career. In the job market we are in, there is a dearth of well paying jobs. So, what are the opinions on the balancing of this situation that I am trying?

Do not get the ball rolling on ending her career until you are 110% positive that you two can not work things out.