Hi everyone,

I was a bs three years ago and frequented this site for a while for support.

I know some of you are going through a VERY VERY difficult time. Feelings of depression, hopelessness, solitude and etc etc. I too felt that way for a while wondering if my hurt heart would ever be the same.

I did it all too. I talked to people, attended meetings, attended church, read countless books. I was looking for answers or anything that would make me "feel better". I was at most time not successful. I wanted everything "back to normal" and was resistant to change.

It was not until I learned to program myself to "let go", i started feeling better. I learned not to rely on other's actions or choices to make who i am.

You bs are great here. You look for answers in hope to preserve a relationship with someone that probably hurted you the most in your life.

I love you all and be strong !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SURVIVED BS:
<strong> Hi everyone,
It was not until I learned to program myself to "let go", i started feeling better. I learned not to rely on other's actions or choices to make who i am.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok... the million dollar question... How did you program yourself to "let go"?

Miker

Miker - I think I feel like I am letting go. I just feel hopeless. I think Wh is still in contact with OW. I just do not know how to stop all of this and am so worn out from all of this that I just can't take anymore. I have tried for so long and am getting nothing back that I need. Has he even asked what I need- NO. I was told yesterday to work on me -I have been. What good does it do. He sees the changes , he likes the changes, has he changed I do not see it. I think he is a cake eater. He is all innocent and hurt - I say to bad. I am at the point of making some serious decisions for me. That is the hardest part -should I move on and get it over with ? Big question - I was raised to make the most of your situation and not walk away. I am old enough to know better -it was just drilled in my head. I think I am waiting for the fairy to come with magic wand and hit him on the head.
I appreciate the post telling us how strong we are. I really do -without strenght I would not have lasted all these years. I must give myself more credit thatn I am. Thank-you that came at a low point for me.

SURVIVED BS,
As a BS, I have been trying to let go of the past, at least the bad stuff. It is difficult though when FWW still struggles with need to talk with OM on phone. I love her dearly and hate to think that I could be affected by her weakness for this guy. It has not been long enough since the A ended for her to let go of her feelings for him. So I love her and nurture our marriage of 27 years in hopes that time will heal the hurt and help her regain her focus. Time and prayer.....and LOVE. Sincerely, rdl

Yes Miker-I hear ya. How did I let go...
First we are all humans here and there is not a secret button we can just push to let go.

We all must let go. We detach with love or detach with anger. Either way, it is best to detach.

In my case after three months of plan-A and six months of plan-B, my fog started to lift.

First of the things i did was i learned to adjust to my new living conditions, being alone - thinking for MYSELF. What was best for ME?

Thinking of what could have be..what shoulda been...was not healthy for me. On the other hand thinking about a new big screen television was...so my emphasis was to treat myself.

I started really enjoying life. Doing what pleased ME - such as eating what i want to eat, taking time for myself, come home in and out as i pleased. I kept busy with HOBBIES i enjoyed.

I was NOT going to stay in a state of misery while my WW was carrying out with her life. I did EVERYTHING that made me happy - it was a choice.

And you know what, by the time I truly found "happiness" in my life, my WW wanted to be a part of that. Unfortunately, by that time, my feelings changed and I DID NOT give her another chance.

It is very true that plan-A and plan-B is effective if it is done for the purpose of healing yourself, not as a method to manipulate your WS back to the R. Most of us go through both plans with major expectations and when our expectations are not met, we often become frustrated and angry.

We have to understand that in many ways we are POWERLESS. Such as controlling how others or your WS feel about you. Whether you want to or not- feelings change, people change.

The bottom line is how do you feel about yourself. I can say that if you learning to understand and forgive the person who hurted you so much, you are a decent person. You are a loving person. You deserve better and when you are ready, better will come.

Everyone take care

I have “let go” in terms of believing that our marriage can be reconciled. It has been destroyed beyond repair and I my desire to reconcile has gradually diminished since Dday.

But I still find myself spending way too much time thinking about WW, OM, and the A. That’s the part I would like to let go. I have talked, and talked, and talked... so much so my support (family and friends) I think are starting to get tired of hearing the same old stuff. How do I let go of this so I can get on with my life?

Some of my friends have suggested I start dating to help me let go. Right now I don’t think it’s a good idea since I’m not officially divorced yet nor do I think my kids and I are quite ready. But maybe it would help me move on? I don’t know.

I’ve also buried myself in activities for both myself and my children and I am super busy. I have been doing things I enjoy and improving myself but I still find that my brain spends way too many cycles thinking about the A.

I want to move on with my life, but my brain won’t let me! Any ideas?

Miker

hi miker,

By just reading some of your posts, i can tell that you are mentally tough. I know you at times do not feel as such, but trust me you do. I have been there myself and i did struggle with the same.

One thing i have to let you know is that you are NOT ready to date yet. If you start dating now, all you will be doing is talking to your date about your WW and you will make unrealistic comparisons between your date and your WW. Thats not fair.

I know your main focus is your children, which is good. But what are you doing for yourself? You see, some of us are givers by nature and we do not know how it is to receive. Instead of giving all your thoughts to your underserving WS , give your thoughts to yourself as to what you want to do, where you want to eat.

My WW hate sushi and I love it. I started going to MY favorite restaurants. Sometimes the most simple things bring you the most pleasure. Learn about yourself. Its all about you Miker.

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: SURVIVED BS ]</small>

hi miker,

By just reading some of your posts, i can tell that you have mental toughness. I know you at times do not feel as such, but trust me you do. I have been there myself and i did struggle with the same.

One thing i have to let you know is that you are NOT ready to date yet. If you start dating now, all you will be doing is talking to your date about your WW and you will make unrealistic comparisons between your date and your WW. You are also rebounding.

I know your main focus is your children, which is great. But what are you doing for yourself? You see, some of us are givers by nature and we do not know how good it is to receive. Instead of giving all your thoughts to your underserving WS , give your thoughts to yourself as to what you want to do or where you want to eat.

My WW hated sushi and I love it. I started going to MY favorite restaurants. Sometimes the most simple things bring you the most pleasure. Learn about yourself. Its all about you Miker.

Miker,
something I tried which does help in one area somewhat is :

When my mind wanders late at night and I start to picture them "together" if ya know what I mean, I quickly picture a big red STOP sign that covers the whole area.

Seriously, try it.

I would get myself so worked up picturing them having sex but when I started using the stop sign I could turn the page so to speak and think about something else. I would change my thought to my son, work, what I would eat the next day, how I would workout, the workday coming up, what I was going to wear, how I would do my hair, whether I would have breakfast or not, just ANYTHING.

Anything but my husband with the fat skank.

Please try it.

Survived BS,

Thanks. Your posts are insightful and are definitely making me think about some things I haven’t really thought of. I’m really enjoying your dialogue.

I think your right. Maybe I do need to think about myself a bit more. Its just that it is kind of a trigger for me because that was one of the justifications my WW said for having her affair “I’m sick of doing things for other people, so I’m going to start doing things for myself…” This selfishness is part of her A justification and I find it so terribly wrong and flawed thinking. I just think, who possibly would want to be around someone with such selfish thinking. I know I don’t. Possibly I overcompensate by trying to be everything to everyone and not thinking about myself at all. I definitely have put most of my energy since the A into my children.

Yes the dating thing is a bad idea. You are right. I know that. Just thought I’d throw it out there in desperation. A friend had mentioned it, and he is divorced and some of the things he said sounded so good (appealed to my loneliness) but he’s much further along in the process than I.

The other thing I wonder is whether I have to forgive to let go. Can you truly let go without forgiving? I do know I cannot forgive right now. I still am very hurt and angry at WW for the betrayal. If forgiveness is the holy grail I’m not sure when or if I can achieve it.

Miker

Miker,

Your friend is probably where I am at now. I had the same concerns as you- will i ever be loved? i need to love someone? oh my god I am alone... what to do ? what to do ?!?.

The irony is that now I love spending time by myself. I am having such a self-fulfilling independent life that I do not want anykind of commitment in terms of love and R. At one point I allowed the actions of my WW made me feel so low, i would have dated Shriek (sp?). It is all about adapting and making adjustments but you have to have the willingness to do that.

Miker, you are stronger than you think. Stop walking in place. Do for you first then do for your children. Once Miker is taken care of, the rest will follow.

On the forgiveness issue: yes, you can and you will forgive because you have children. Once you come to terms that she is a human being capable of choices which may not be the best or right ones, you may see things differently. All of us struggle to handle temptations and just because a person took an inapropriate road does not mean he/she is a bad person.

You and her shared a lot together. Cherise those memories. Let her have the time she needs to "find herself". Meanwhile, take care of yourself.

And make sure, no more neglecting yourself. Your ability to provide or to make others "happy" is not the goal here. The goal is to make you happy. If you find happiness, the ones that truly love you will be happy also. Give your kids a HAPPY DAD. My 7 year old and I laugh together all the time now...

take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was not until I learned to program myself to "let go", i started feeling better. I learned not to rely on other's actions or choices to make who i am.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you provide a detailed description on how to accomplish this?

First, I tried to detach with love. That did not work. I then detached with anger. I do not know whether this is recommended or not. I just knew for my own best interest to "move on" and not be "clingy" i had to detach one way or the other.

I wrote down a list of things I did not like about my WW. I think it was a list of 20 things or so. Everytime I started having these thoughts or feelings of wanting my M back, I went over the list over and over , over and over.

In time, I had convinced myself with facts that she was not the princess/angel I once loved. I told her to call me one day if the princess i knew before came back to earth. And you know what after a little less than two years, she did call back with remorse. By that time, my feelings for her was not the same nor did I have any interest in rebuilding.

I love our friendship now and we both respect each other's decision to live our lives as we wish.

SURVIVED BS

First I want to say that I believe you to be a success story and I sincerely offer my congratulations on your recovery. I’ve always felt that the desire to stay or leave the marriage appropriately lies with the BS and I would not critique your decision to do so.

Having said that, I want to add my $0.02 to the discussion to provoke some thought in those who may decide to mimic your approach to plan B.

One of the basic tenants of plan B is to preserve love for the WS should a reconciliation be tendered. Your plan B was effective in eliminating your love, not that that is bad for your now have a fulfilling life as a single man, but it really isn’t supposed to be overtly pursued through negative reinforcement. Not, at least, if one follows the MB principals as I understand them.

What I’m trying to say is had you allowed your feelings to die a natural death, or decided to occasionally focus your intellect on some of your WW’s positive attributes, you may have been open to a reconciliation. A possible technique to do so is to assume your spouse is “temporarily insane” though they may be capable of one day being “well”.

You mentioned that she expressed remorse, did she merely do such or did she suggest rebuilding your family. I’m curious simply as an observer to the behavior or mindset of a WS subjected to a lengthy plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SURVIVED BS:
<strong>

First of the things i did was i learned to adjust to my new living conditions, being alone - thinking for MYSELF. What was best for ME?

Thinking of what could have be..what shoulda been...was not healthy for me. On the other hand thinking about a new big screen television was...so my emphasis was to treat myself.

I started really enjoying life. Doing what pleased ME - such as eating what i want to eat, taking time for myself, come home in and out as i pleased. I kept busy with HOBBIES i enjoyed.

I was NOT going to stay in a state of misery while my WW was carrying out with her life. I did EVERYTHING that made me happy - it was a choice.

And you know what, by the time I truly found "happiness" in my life, my WW wanted to be a part of that. Unfortunately, by that time, my feelings changed and I DID NOT give her another chance.

It is very true that plan-A and plan-B is effective if it is done for the purpose of healing yourself, not as a method to manipulate your WS back to the R. Most of us go through both plans with major expectations and when our expectations are not met, we often become frustrated and angry.

We have to understand that in many ways we are POWERLESS. Such as controlling how others or your WS feel about you. Whether you want to or not- feelings change, people change.

The bottom line is how do you feel about yourself. I can say that if you learning to understand and forgive the person who hurted you so much, you are a decent person. You are a loving person. You deserve better and when you are ready, better will come.

Everyone take care </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now this is a man who "GETS IT". DING DING DING.....we have a winner. You took the words right out of my mouth. I think your post above was one of the most enlightening I have ever read. Your recovery is what I am going through right now.

I can only hope that other poor devestated souls here, learn the concept of "self love" and fight for "personal recovery" BEFORE fighting for a wayward spouse. Just my .02. Great post.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SURVIVED BS:
<strong> .....It is very true that plan-A and plan-B is effective if it is done for the purpose of healing yourself, not as a method to manipulate your WS back to the R. Most of us go through both plans with major expectations and when our expectations are not met, we often become frustrated and angry.

We have to understand that in many ways we are POWERLESS. Such as controlling how others or your WS feel about you. Whether you want to or not- feelings change, people change.

The bottom line is how do you feel about yourself. I can say that if you learning to understand and forgive the person who hurted you so much, you are a decent person. You are a loving person. You deserve better and when you are ready, better will come.

Everyone take care </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SBS,

Not sure if you were a long time lurker or posted under another name, either way welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I enjoyed reading your posts for you send a breathe of fresh air to those who are here either new ones or those still struggling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you for your refreshing words which help us see there is hope and light at the end of that long dark A tunnel.

Hope you stay and keep on posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All the best.

L.

Wow some good stuff here.

Exactly the stuff I'm trying to deal with in my personal drama. I do feel, however, that I am kinda Hijacking Betrayed BS's thread here with my own issues. I'll maybe start my own thread about my own situation.

I'm interested to what comes out of this Plan B vs. Plan "me" debate.

Tess...
Actually the images of their physical relationship doesn't haunt me that much anymore. It was really bad at the start but not so bad now. But thanks for reminding me about that part. Oh I just had to use the stop sign... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Actually in all seriousness, that's a great idea and I will use it.

Its more the fact that she would betray me and do such terrible things to our family that I can't seem to get past, more on that later.


Survived BS...
More to you in another thread, I want to hear more about what you have to say about how I can move on with my life...

Cheers,

Miker

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

Hi everyone:

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I am a very long time lurker. This site helped me through a very difficult period. I just came back to share some thoughts and support those who are here.

About preserving love while plan-b? how? I believe plan-b is for the bs to move on. My primary goal was to first recover, then consider the possibilities of recon. I knew after d-day I was not mentally or physically able to give the best fight for my M. I was crushed to a all-time low and was incapable to knowing what was best for me. I felt like a cripple old man in an abusive rest home.

I had to fight and regain control of my life. I did whatever it took for my mind to be right again, with or without my WW. It was a path I had to venture alone. I was afraid but I felt I had no more to lose. I was not going to walk in place.

Survived BS

First I would like to congratulate you for surviving what was probably the worst emotional hurt of your entire life.

I would also like to thank you for coming back to these boards to offer words of experience and advice. As I read through these posts, it seems in the beginning we are all feeling and looking for the same things. Panic..worry...stress...hoplessness...emptiness..and answers on how to get what we desire most...our H or W back.

Consentrating on ourselves is our biggest obstical. We don't trust our inner strenths. We feel we can't go on..we are at our most desperate point. Then we have caring people like you here. Your success has proved to us that we can go on. We have the strenth. We have to stop concentrating so hard on what we want to happen and start to consentrate on ourselves and how it got to that point of happening in the first place. We come first now. We have to fix our souls and become better and stronger people for our own benefit.

So thank you again for taking your time and coming back to offer your support. I know I still need it. I am trying so very hard to detach from the love and comfort I felt. All my energy is being wasted on something I can't change. This energy could be used on myself to improve my self worth.

So I'll keep coming here posting my thoughts..even if its the same thoughts over and over again. Taking advice from the ones who have been through it and learning from what I have read in Dr. Harley's books (now reading Surviving An Affair) Reading and sharing everyone elses hurt and pain. We are all together here and we can all help each other through it.

((((everyone))))

SURVIVED BS

Just a comment regarding your question about preserving love for your WS.

Firstly I think you can do whatever you want and follow whatever path is right for YOU. Plan B should put you in a place where you are ready for a divorce if that’s what occurs or if that’s what you choose. Call it a plan B, a plan "me" or whatever you feel comfortable with. You sound strong to me and happy with your decisions and the outcome and I applaud your recovery.

I don’t feel comfortable to endorse your technique as the appropriate course for everyone though. There are several people here emotionally eviscerated that are looking for a way to soothe their pain in whatever way possible. To go the negative affirmation route works, but it also likely makes reconciliation with ones spouse less appealing once one has detached and if that opportunity is presented. Who would want a spouse back that one has consistently reflected on their bad traits? They become what we think rather than what we think they’ve become.

If I was to focus on my WW’s shortcomings or completely identify her with her act of infidelity I would likely never consider rebuilding our relationship. If I did not have children, I likely would have gone that route, though I cannot speak with authority on that as that is not my reality. I may never get the chance to rebuild this family regardless, and I am more than ready to pull the “plug” on this marriage, but I’ve decided to consider the “potential” of such.

To allow myself to consider that option, I’ve had to give my WW the benefit of the doubt to some degree. I’ve had to balance my knee jerk reaction to condemn her in her entirety with recognition of those actions that she did to support or relationship prior to this heinous act of betrayal. I’ve had to view her as done a bad thing rather than become a bad person.

Has this delayed my personal recovery……somewhat. Have I had to endure more humiliation and pain as a result…maybe, but this is what I must do for ME to know I’ve done everything I could do for me and my children. That’s me though.

I merely wanted to point out other techniques that can be employed to achieve “recovery”. Some folks here aren’t as strong as you and are looking for leadership from others posting. Yours may be the perfect route for them, but I felt it should be tempered with the recognition that there is a different “route” available.

Again….congratulations, I’m truly happy for the place you have found. I’m still curious though, did she merely express remorse or did she suggest a reconciliation?