H claims to be moving out
Went to work dinner
It is 12.45am not home
Called is mobile to find him at some colleges house
I said put him on the phone or put OW on the phone he said to embaracing he is on his way
I said if he doesn't don't bother coming home
He said fine he'll sleep in his car and hung up

What now??
What do I do if he does come home? and what do i do if he doesn't????

S

Arty you are supposed to be detaching.

Now is a good chance for you to practice it.

This is why kicking him out would be easier on you. In his mind he is already gone and the marriage is over. He has nothing to lose by acting single with you right there with him.

Detach, detach, detach.

NO LBS or DJ's be calm, poised and collected.

Very sweetly pack his bags and help him load his car.

Did I muck up DETACHED.
I called him back.
He eventually answers and says he was with this guy and is sorry for worrying me
I say if you spent as much energy on saving our M as destroying we would have a real chance.
He said he thought that 1 1/2 years ago.
Said he wanted to hung up and conentrate on the road
I cried - what a mess

S

Calm down and talk to him nicely. Tell him that this isn't working for you - that you don't need a roommate. Get him OUT! He is being too disrespectful, and you will start hating yourself for putting up with it.

((((arty))))

You cannot make him be who you want him to be, you can guilt him or threaten him into a temporary sense of some sort R but it will not be real unless he does it willingly fr within himself... this I am just now getting through MC/IC, and it is a tough lesson to learn!

Have you read "Love Must be Tough"? It helped me alot when I put WH out, it helps to know that I must protect myself.

I, too, have been through the "I will ruin you", "I will ruin her", "I will leave town and you will never see us again".... "I love you and cannot live w/o you" and "you OWE this to me".... none of it will do anytihng except maybe make WH come home and behave for a short time because of emotional manipulation! I am just realizing I am a master at this game and it is so worng!

If he is going to be w/ OW, you cannot change that or control it, if he is to move ot,of he is to do anything... that lies w/ HIM! The only thing you can control here is YOU! Keep in mind as I am typing these words, I am only reinforcing them to myself as well, so please don't think I am fussing at you... I am not.

You have to be the best S you can be, w/ or w/o him. You can only control yourself and your immediate environment to create a peaceful home. WH is going to do and be who it is he wants to be right now no matter how hard you push... and you may just be pushing him in the opposite direction than you intend. Just 2 cents, worth fr someone who is doing it too, and it is soooo HARD!!

It is so hard.
Even as I do some of these things I know that it is not my game plan but my heart and emotions take over.
Howto have the strength to stick to my plan? Wht do I find myself so impulsive and directionless?

S

"How to have the strength to stick to my plan? Why do I find myself so impulsive and directionless?"

Cause you are a hurting human being, that's why! You have allowed yourself to stay in a bad situation for too long due to love or fear or a combination of a million other things...

My heart aches for you cause I understand this pain all too well. Even w/ my H out I am still struggling to not "parent" him, to not try to soften his blows and break his falls... not my job and I have been doing it for way too long...

I am praying for you dear! Sometimes I pray over and over "give me strength and give me patience"... sometimes it is all I can do!

"How to have the strength to stick to my plan? Why do I find myself so impulsive and directionless?"

Cause you are a hurting human being, that's why! You have allowed yourself to stay in a bad situation for too long due to love or fear or a combination of a million other things...

My heart aches for you cause I understand this pain all too well. Even w/ my H out I am still struggling to not "parent" him, to not try to soften his blows and break his falls... not my job and I have been doing it for way too long...

I am praying for you dear! Sometimes I pray over and over "give me strength and give me patience"... sometimes it is all I can do!

Well, he gave me the good news tonight that he has found a place and should be out in a week.

My answer - an unemotional GOOD.

I feel so lucky, all my dreams have come true. My M has taken it's next dive. Lets break open the champagne.

Please help me find the strength to deal with all of this. I feel as if I am rotting from the inside. Why is it so painful? How is it that so many M end. Do they all find it as hard as I do?

S

(((((((((((Arty))))))))))))))))

Oh hon, I'm so sorry, I understand how you feel, just wanted to let you know.

-Caren

You will get through this. I thought I would die when my H moved out. But it actually made things easier. You don't have to put up with the constant hurt and rejection right in front of you. It will be easier for you to heal. Use this time to focus on you. Do things that make you a better person and that you enjoy. Call friends, do not be alone. Make lots of plans. Often the WH has to move out to see what he is missing. In my case that is exactly what happened. My FWH was gone for over 6 months, and during that time he saw what he was giving up and didn't like it. Take care of yourself and make your home a sanctuary.

Arty,

Yes, there are many people who are taking the separation of their S very hard. I cry every night filled with hoplessness and grief. How could he do this to me and our children? Didn't our 11 years together mean anything? Isn't he going to miss me? Why would he want someone else? These thoughts go through my mind all the time.

But since I have found these boards, I posted and read everything I could. There are some very helpful people who have been through this and have survived the pain. They mean what they say when they say take this time and work on YOU.

I am working harder and harder on doing this myself. The more I focus on me, the better I feel. I don't give up hope. My marriage may be able to be saved, but only time will tell and only if I remain positive about myself and make myself a better person. Its hard...I relapse a lot, but then I come on here and read posts or post my worries (sometimes I think its petty things, but no one complains) and people listen to me and give me encouragement. Stay strong.

Hi all,

Thanks for your thoughts.

It has been such a long terrible journey and the past few weeks I have lived with this dagger over my head, forever getting closer and yes it has just lowered again.

Once the kids know and get over the shock. DD14 gets home after 8 weeks away to find that her Dad moved out a few weeks ago and no one told her. Once we can live some sort of normal life, I know it will be better than what he offers me now. But I still feel so broken and so confused.

I look around me at all the Ms I know and we where so good together- we were the last couple anyone would have thought this would happen to. I know some of the things that I/he did to allow this to happen but can't see the reasons we could not pull ourselves out of it. Why we could not take it as a wake up call to produce a M that satisfied us both. That was what I thought would happen when he first left her and came home. But he blamed me and kept running (emotionally) back to her.I now know I had no chance.
What's my next step:

1. If I plan B him he will get so angry it will move him further away from me and probaby right back to OW. Who cares and understands him like I never did.

2. It is so hard for me to sustain a good plan A cos I feel so hurt and then when I lapse I feel like such a failure.

3. So what I am doing at the moment is this kind of no LB, calm but fairly cold approach - trying my best to detach. I am not successful all the time. I am better when I think of me, when I think of him and what he is doing - I collapse.I think it's lemonmans line- Detaching is when you no longer feel you are losing him but that he is losing you.

Stay with me. You guuys are really helping me through this-Thanks

S

"I know and we where so good together- we were the last couple anyone would have thought this would happen to. I know some of the things that I/he did to allow this to happen but can't see the reasons we could not pull ourselves out of it."

I know what you mean 110%, this described us as well! Either I am a total fool, he is one he** of an actor or there is something really wrong here! How can something that was so good go so wrong?!

You can do this, I know you can! Just keep praying and work on you, it is the only thing you can control! ((((arty))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arty:
<strong>

1. If I plan B him he will get so angry it will move him further away from me and probaby right back to OW. Who cares and understands him like I never did.

2. It is so hard for me to sustain a good plan A cos I feel so hurt and then when I lapse I feel like such a failure.
S </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Arty, you don't have to worry about him moving further away in Plan B, because your perpetual Plan A has achieved that end. He is about as far away as he can get without moving to China. You have been in Plan A for a few years and it has resulted in his leaving. Why not try something different for a change?

He might start to respect you if you start setting some boundaries and move into Plan B. This would protect you and perhaps pull him off this fence he has been living on for years. And so what if he is angry? He won't die from it and neither will you.

As long as he can get his needs met by you freely, he will never know that you meet most of his needs and will never miss you.

Melody Lane,
If I anger him the whole separation thing could become a lawyers dream. He is still the major bread winner and if he takes all that he is entitled to, I may end up with a house and no means of financial support. So, it is partly the emotional distance that it will create but also the disjointed parenting, me against him stuff etc.

I agree that there is no point in doing what I've done for so long but could it be that just the physical distance between us (him living elsewhere) may be the awakening he needs? Do I need to add to it?

Thanks for not giving up onme

S