ok guys if you dont know my history I am trying to plan A (which i am not good at) even though i have no solid proof of it.

this morning my h got mad at me and i left upset it was a stressful morning because our electircty had gone out on half our house etc. Well then i spoke with him on his break and things were good. Then he was supposed to lend me his bankcard b/c i couldnt find my bank card. so he brought it in last night. i need gas. so i get home this evening its not here.
i call his work. i said hey did u leave the card.
he said no you didnt TAKE it so i figured u didnt need it. (he knew i needed gas and had no way to get to the bank and get cash so i needed his card!!!). Well i was like i thought you'd leave it. he said Isnt your mom home borrow form her. ughh its not her responsiablity. i said ok i'll let you go . he hung up on me again. (now this is just his normal attitude he has when the going gets tough or how he doesn t lik eit he hangs up on people.. hes real immature. )

so im going to get subs. i foudn my card luckily. but normally i'd call him back and say i'm sick of this crap whyd you hang up on me etc. but i really feel like doing that. I"M MAD i'm AM tired of this crap with him haninging up or having an attitude and i want him to know. BUT dont know how to react in a good plan A ? let me know asap. thanks guys

ok guys... i need advice... i said i'd post here before i did anything irrational so please help im trying to do a good plan a???

Dear ML,

OK, your H is being a jerk. Plain & simple. But,,, two wrongs don't make a right.

So, don't retaliate. It will only make things worse. Post here. Vent your anger. We get it.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

When everything is calmer, tell him how it makes you feel when this happens. Don't bash. Don't LB.

Just tell him, "Honey, When this happens, it makes me feel like -----------." (fill in the blank) Make it about you, not him. Don't say, "You always do this, and I hate it." Say, "This behaviour hurts me."

That way it's not threatening to him. Most men do not know how they sound.

Good luck!

As far as I know it's OK to calmly state your feelings and assert boundaries (again calmly).

You could just say that you've noticed that he sometimes seems angry and that it upsets you when he hangs up on you.

He might respond with defensiveness or blame it on you. Just listen and if you say anything just repeat back to him (not sarcastically) what he said. This will let him know how you feel, that you have heard how he feels, and establish a pattern of (at least one of you) respectful communication.

In Plan A you don't have to hang around and listen to mean comments or rudeness. Maybe you could say, "I have to go now, I can talk later after you've calmed down." And then you be the first to hang up (gently).

Try to keep your expectations lower for now, so you won't feel so disappointed by his thoughtlessness. Show appreciation when he does remember to follow through on things and does things for you.

Sorry that no one replied to you sooner.

I don't know anything about your situation, but in plan A DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL!!!!!!!!!!! .

I would simply tell him: "I feel disrespected when you hang up without saying goodbye" He'll still probably jump you for it....but use "I" statements, people tend to not react as negatively to those....rather than "You make me feel like crap when you hang up on me" He isn't MAKING you feel anything, that's your reaction to him being disrespectful to you.

Like I said, he'll probably still jump you, but you are going to be cool as a cucumber and not react. You have to be proactive not reactive. Even if he says "You're a b*tch" You are going to say "I am sorry you feel that way" (or something to that effect) I'm not good at the reverse babble, so I just stayed extremely cool when I was in plan A. I didn't bring up our relationship or any of that...it made him visably uncomfortable when I did.

So that's my 2 cents....and at least I'll bring your post back to the top for more advice.

-Caren

LOL, I just thought of something for any name calling that he may do if he says "You're a b*tch" or anything along that line....I would say "Oh, I know." That ought to confuse the heck outta him.

-Caren

^bump^

thanks guys. just got home. he has yet to call at all. rare for him. See i know he is not in a full fledged A i'm just worried about some contact. But he was so sweet up until sunday buying me flowers and stuff. its just so wierd but some of this behavior is typicall of him before the A i just got used to tuning it out. and he eventually stopped. during the a it started again (things like hanging up etc) and he has yet to fully break the habit. he might call before he leaves work. i dont even want to answer the phone. and he'll be home probably aroudn tenish. ughhh . hopefully in a better mood. thanks guys!!

I know we have realized this before, but we are in such the same prediciment. We have both been with our H's a long time, and they both act the same- hanging up and being immature and their moods swinging like crazy. I hope things start to improve for you. I do not have grounds to give you advice as I do not understand my own H who could be your H's twin in everyway (except my H is almost 27.... sorry no improvement with age- actually the A made him worse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

YOu are in my thoughts and prayers and I will contiue to follow your story.

KMEJ,
Have things been any better latley? I dont understand my H at all. I dont know things goo up and down for us we have good times and bad times. i do not regret taking him back but i just wish this would be diffrent we have been together so long and i lov ehim. I just wish he'd want to change i think he wants to then BAM something else...

exactly my point= they are so similar it is really scary. My H does just enough to keep me thinking that the next time it will be different. He knows just how far he can push me before he has to pull back a little bit. It is games all games. They want the best of both worlds, a family that loves them and makes them look good and all the freedom to do what ever when ever. Not careing who they hurt in the process. It is all about themselves and no one else.

My stitch is updated on the Hello KMEJ thread.

My WH played the same getting close, then rejecting game too. It's a way to frustrate women as a way to control them.

KMEJ - I noticed this at the end of your message:
feeling alone in a "marriage" is not a marriage at all....

I felt like I was in a marriage that was none of my business. I wasn't to have any needs or expectations. I wasn't supposed to talk about our relationship - to WH or anyone else. He refused any attempts to make the marriage better or more fun (if it's not broke don't fix it). But he would complain to others that his wife and marriage were awful to justify his affairs.
Oh, and his affairs were also none of my business... One of the OW said to me: "(WH's name) and I have a very special friendship that's none of your f---ing business!" LOL

ok he just called to say he was leaving work hed be home in an hour. (he commutes an hour away). Well i didnt know weather or not to answer the phon so heres oru conversation. i answer.
HIM: i'm getting ready to leave. see u in a bit
ME : ok
HIM : (MUMBLING ) i love u
ME: i love u too , bye
HIM : BYE.
it was with little emoiton. not angry ubt not exaclty nice or sweet. i want to go to bed but wait he;d be mad tha ti was sleeping and its so early. so i guess i'll wati up take a shower an dsee what the night has in store. probably just him being grumpy.