RHM:
I do understand that you are sincere in asking this type of question.
And being so early into this process I do get where your thinking is coming from.
However, Please don't set yourself up for the trap of attempting to make her "feel" this way.
IMO this is the wrong Goal to be striving for.
Yes, I too wrestled with this dilemma. (Guess we all do to some extent).
I mistakenly thought, that if
this IS what she wanted and liked....then the way to make her happy (and thereby myself happy) all I had to do was "recreate" what the OM had done and made her Feel.
There were many reason Why: some of it was I didn't know "what" else to do (it worked for him, why not me?)... part of it was competition (he did it, I'll prove I can)...part of it was I thought I did have a blue print to what she was responding to (as she hadn't responded to me in some time).....and a whole host of other reasons.
However, once you look at it from all sides its simply an unattainable goal (Trap) that you can't ever reach.
First, this was a horrible, selfish and sinful act on her part. Therefore any feelings she may have felt are like wise tainted. Do you really want the "stain" and regret Part that comes with infidelity??
I doubt that you do......so there is No Way to get Her to those same feeling WITHOUT the "bad" parts of the A as well.
(No way to separate the intense feelings from the lies, secrecy, deception, ect,....) as they went hand in hand and feed into each other.
Its kind of like water/wet.......you can't separate them......if you get the water , You Get the Wet.
Next, the "feelings" (just like the A itself) are simply an illusion.
Since most of this was "in your W's head" ....how do you propose recreating "fantasy land"?
As a result, these feelings are NOT sustainable over a long period of time. This is why almost all A's eventually run their course and eventually end.
On the other hand, You want to create Real and True feelings based on Honesty and Intimacy (as these can last, and be sooooo much deeper than the illusion the A was based on).
Lastly, you simply CANNOT recreate the situation (atmosphere) that lead to all the Intense and extreme levels of pleasure and indeed excitement.
No matter what you do, there is NO Way to bring in the secrecy and the "rush" they got from being illicite.
To having a secret No one else knows.
Having the power / addiction that comes from never really knowing when the "next" time together will be.
Also no way to have that "newness" that they shared.
& on and on........
So don't make yourself crazy trying.
Indeed, if the
expectaion your creating for both Her and yourself (is competing with the A)....then your Always going to Come up Short (cause its not Possible to Outdo an
Ideal that only exists in basically...a Dream.
But take heart:
Yes, you can make your M better.
Yes, you can make it fulfilling and intimate.
Yes, she can be happy, sexual, and fun around / with you.
But your setting yourself up for a Huge Disappointment IF your Goal is to "make her giddy" like she was around the OM. Just No way to recreate something that never really existed (except in someone's head).
So please don't use feelings from her A, as your measuring stick. This is NOT the example you want to use as your New Starting Point.
If you do, IMO your asking the wrong question and attempting to make a plan that is flawed from its git go.
Hope I didn't come across as attacking (not my intention at all).....but I Do want you to reexamine what it is your really after ....and then create an effective Plan to get there.
If she is over her A and OM....I doubt she even really Wants those types of feelings anymore.
I suspect she's after something so much deeper and more "real".
Why should she settle for some pale imitation.....when she can have the Real thing with You??
This is NOT to say you can't find out and do things she likes.
She likes compliments (then compliment her).
She likes affection (be more affectionate).
Basically meet the needs this OM was (I'm confident if properly motivated you can do a far superior Job then he EVER did).
However, it won't EVER be just like it was with them. Totally different situation.
Good News is it CAN Be better.
Wishing you Only success in getting there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
******************
PS -- If you not quite there yet (to receive my advice or anyone else's for that matter) that's OK buddy.
I was able to "get" (accept) different levels of advice as I went through the various levels of my own recovery.
Truly, What sounded like hogwash one day....sounded very sane 4-6 months down the line.
That's the tough part about the board (remembering where we were [emotionally/mentally]) once we've passed onto another part of the journey.
Cause I sure don't look at things the same way as I did on D-day or even a year into all this.
And neither will you.
take care
<small>[ March 10, 2005, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>
