you likeing it still?

KMEJ,

I believe the dancing subject was already discussed in December.....

Here is the link in case you need to refer back.

Going dancing when H doesn't want you to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there I go trying to post what I think others want to hear instead of what I want to post. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, KMEJ....I don't think you were posting what we wanted to hear. Because clearly the responses were not in favor of your going dancing.

Instead, I think you wanted support for your decision to go dancing. And the first few responses didn't really swing that way.

Personally, I think you are justifying your behavior. I feel certain that you wouldn't trust your H to go dancing. And rightfully so. But disrespecting your spouse's feelings to do what you want is just that......DISRESPECTFUL. You can't get respect without giving it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> oh and Noodle on the other note- I think I agree with you- and it scares me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then why in this world, with the gift of knowledge you have received here at MB - are you NOT putting appropriate precautions in place.

It's REALLY hard to watch you go through this. I was exactly where you were when I had my A. An abusive, unequal, disrespectful M. I was depressed. I was scared to leave. And I hated myself for being so weak and giving into his control all the time. I couldn't tell if something was control or maybe he was reaching out.

KMEJ - to stay in this M as you are is making you vulnerable to an A yourself. And I hate to say it, but I don't think you would say no. I think the attention, adoration, and companionship would intoxicate you beyond cognitive thinking. It scares me. It's like seeing the car drive straight toward the tree at 70mph. You know it's going to crash, unless the driver makes a sharp turn.

I'm sorry to 2X4 you all the time. I know you don't like it. You will say "thank you for the comments" or "I deserved it (the 2X4)".

I just don't know what to say anymore. The thing is, we all care about you. But you just don't really care about yourself. If you did, you would demand more respect.

I know you are working on your plan. And until lately, you seemed to be making progress. But now, you seem to be right back at square one. The trick is - once you build up your momentum, don't let yourself fall back into the same pattern. Identify your own patterns. Re-read your threads. And then watch yourself. When you fall back into the same pattern, CHANGE IT!

That's why I re-posted the December thread....because this is the same pattern. As Dr. Phil would say "How's that workin' for ya?"

Praying for you, KMEJ.

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there I go trying to post what I think others want to hear instead of what I want to post. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I meant by that was when I said I was putting my best foot forward.

Also I do not mind the 2x4's I think I actually need them to get me thinking clearly again. I do see the pattern, I just have not figured out yet what takes away my momentum- I would HATE to hit that tree. You are right though I see co-workers with Healthy Marriages and I am super jealous of what they have, the way they talk the way they treat one another, they can argue but it is okay, they show each other signs that they love each other. I get ignored or eyes rolled at me if I say I love you. I say it out of habit, I feel it less and less as the days go on. I had H's cell phone 2 nights ago and a girl called- I know this girl, have for about 6 years- have known of her crush on H- told her I knew. She was the girl that came to my home when I was out of town last summer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> anyway I answered the phone "hello?" silence I say again "hello?' long pause she says "hello" I say "hello" again, she hangs up. I guess I was not what she was expecting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then I asked H about the call.

I have a lot of maturing to do. I need to stop worrying so much about others and put myself first. I need to stop being so darn scared all the time.

Also my doctor up'ed my dose of Lexapro and now I am just wiped after taking it- is this normal?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I meant by that was when I said I was putting my best foot forward.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still don't understand how that's what we wanted to hear? What we would all like to hear is how you grew a pair (sorry guys, for the crude reference! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and enforced clear, solid boundaries.

We don't want to hear you say you are putting your best foot forward. Those are just words. Besides, we know that's not your best foot. It's just what you seem to think is your best foot. You have another better foot that you are afraid to use. We want to hear of your ACTIONS , girlie. And good, solid, productive ones at that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also my doctor up'ed my dose of Lexapro and now I am just wiped after taking it- is this normal? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's what antidepressants did for me.......

Right after d-day, I was so depressed, I couldn't focus. I couldn't tell what was a dream, and what was reality. The guilt consumed me. I often would find myself driving and not remembering the past few seconds. Or swerving into lanes and not noticing. Antidepressants (effexor) helped some.

But one day, I was so down that when I was exiting on a mix-master ramp, I almost turned the wheel a sharp right so that I would just go off the edge. That was the first suicidal 'action' I had ever thought of. I had wanted to die before, but that was the next step - having a plan.

I upped my anti-d's (effexor).

BUT - once I was finished feeling suicidal, I noticed that while I did not feel horrible, I also never felt motivated or good. I felt numb.

So after about 4 months, I weaned myself off.

Of course, now that the D is going through, I am back on. But I have switched brands, Lexapro now. And the numbness isn't so bad.....but it's there. And my friends can tell. I have just not processed the divorce enough to go off yet.


The trick is that antidepressants are not a 'cure' for most people. They are used to help get through serious bouts of depression. But you must take care of the source of depression in order to really work them.

In your case, KMEJ, this would be your M.

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:

I had H's cell phone 2 nights ago and a girl called- I know this girl, have for about 6 years- have known of her crush on H- told her I knew. She was the girl that came to my home when I was out of town last summer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> anyway I answered the phone "hello?" silence I say again "hello?' long pause she says "hello" I say "hello" again, she hangs up. I guess I was not what she was expecting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then I asked H about the call.

I[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ:

Why are you allowing your WH to continue to betray you RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. THERE is no QUESTION he is cheating on you YET AGAIN and potentially exposing you to life threatning STD's. YOu are not saving any marriage, you are enabling the destruction of your self esteeem and self worth and allowing your children to learn a blue print for how they will treat their future wife's. This is not about MARIIAGE BUILDING is it?

I do not know what you want from people here. You KNOW what is going on. NOONE here can make you do the "right" thing. YOu have to be able to step up to the plate and protect yourself and children from this. Right now, you are allowing all of this $hit to happen to you and children. This has long NOT been about saving a marriage. Depsite what thousands try to do, YOU CANNOY save a marriage by yourself.

The reason your threads always take on a negative tone is because people will eventually tire of trying to help you when you WILL NOT help yourself.

fair enough and understood. I too grow frustrated with myself- I can understand how you all would. Thank you for your continued guidence even though you must feel you are banging your head against a wall.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> fair enough and understood. I too grow frustrated with myself- I can understand how you all would. Thank you for your continued guidence even though you must feel you are banging your head against a wall. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not our "heads" that matter. In the end, it is you and your children who will live with the consequences of all of this.

Let me tell you KMEJ, I think you are a wonderful, caring, compassionate woman who is a great mother. You are truly one of the "good one's". YOu just don't know it or believe it. SOme where in your life you learned that it is ok to be treated like $hit and have learned to "accept" behavior that even the worst people of society should not accept.

You are such a conflict avoider to the umpteenth degree. Even as you clearly are struggling here tonight and taking 2 X 4's by the dozen you are worried that we may "get mad at you" or hurt "our heads banging them againt the wall" trying to get through to you. I think you need to remember ALL OF the wonderful qualities that you have as a person. Your selfless love for your children is beautiful. I hope to someday be half as good as you are as a parent. I know that I can learn from you in this way.

Please learn this from me. PLease love yourself enough to FULLY accept that you are not living a life that you deserve. Please ACCEPT NO LESS than being treated like a princess by your husband. Please realize that you are a good person and have a lot to offer someone. You have so many good qualities that you can't see. You can't see what we all can. You are blind to it. We are screaming at you to please see what we are talking about, but you don't see it. You have to love yourself now. YOu have to do this. YOu can NEVER hope to "recover" from all of this if you don't start there.

I have made many mistakes in my 36 years of life, and I will make many more. BUT, finding true self love and self respect is probably my greatest accomplishment in life. I don't think people know the true pain and utterly devestating decision it was FOR ME me to end my marriage. I am certain that I may have portayed it as a thing that "I just did", but it was BY FAR the hardest thing I ever did in my life. To this day, I don't know how I found the strength to do this. I have never told people how much I loved my wife. She was my world, my air, my life. In this life I hope I never endure that soul stealing pain ever again. I had to end my marriage to save myself. I am not saying that you need to do this also, but please realize that I know what I am talking about when I say you need self love and self respect FIRST, BEFORE you can ever hope to have a better marriage or future successful realtionship.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> The trick is that antidepressants are not a 'cure' for most people. They are used to help get through serious bouts of depression. But you must take care of the source of depression in order to really work them.

In your case, KMEJ, this would be your M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You really don't want to get me started about AD's but what LIT says here is very true and extremely important. Don't rely on AD's as "happy pills". You need to make your own happiness. If its your M that makes you unhappy you either need to fix it or get out. Unfortunately to fix a M you need participation of both parties. So unless the other party wants to partipiate you are left with the other alternative.

Keep on with your plan. You're doing great at it. I know you can do it.

Hang in there!

Miker

kmej
i have to totaly agree with lemon (oh my god, am i that damn sour? D@mn right!!! the only difference is .... i think insatead of princess is you deserve to be treated like an f---n queen!!!!
so when are you gonna put the d@mn gloves on an fight your @$$ to th end .
luv ya , so luv yourself, DAL

trust me
Famous last words???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not our "heads" that matter. In the end, it is you and your children who will live with the consequences of all of this.

Let me tell you KMEJ, I think you are a wonderful, caring, compassionate woman who is a great mother. You are truly one of the "good one's". YOu just don't know it or believe it. SOme where in your life you learned that it is ok to be treated like $hit and have learned to "accept" behavior that even the worst people of society should not accept.

You are such a conflict avoider to the umpteenth degree. Even as you clearly are struggling here tonight and taking 2 X 4's by the dozen you are worried that we may "get mad at you" or hurt "our heads banging them againt the wall" trying to get through to you. I think you need to remember ALL OF the wonderful qualities that you have as a person. Your selfless love for your children is beautiful. I hope to someday be half as good as you are as a parent. I know that I can learn from you in this way.

Please learn this from me. PLease love yourself enough to FULLY accept that you are not living a life that you deserve. Please ACCEPT NO LESS than being treated like a princess by your husband. Please realize that you are a good person and have a lot to offer someone. You have so many good qualities that you can't see. You can't see what we all can. You are blind to it. We are screaming at you to please see what we are talking about, but you don't see it. You have to love yourself now. YOu have to do this. YOu can NEVER hope to "recover" from all of this if you don't start there.

I have made many mistakes in my 36 years of life, and I will make many more. BUT, finding true self love and self respect is probably my greatest accomplishment in life. I don't think people know the true pain and utterly devestating decision it was FOR ME me to end my marriage. I am certain that I may have portayed it as a thing that "I just did", but it was BY FAR the hardest thing I ever did in my life. To this day, I don't know how I found the strength to do this. I have never told people how much I loved my wife. She was my world, my air, my life. In this life I hope I never endure that soul stealing pain ever again. I had to end my marriage to save myself. I am not saying that you need to do this also, but please realize that I know what I am talking about when I say you need self love and self respect FIRST, BEFORE you can ever hope to have a better marriage or future successful realtionship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish this post from Lman could somehow be ingrained in the minds of all the women on this board who struggle in the sitch that KMEJ is in. This is the bottom line and the key.

When you finally get this KMEJ you will understand why Plan B is not an option, it is a necessity. It is the only thing available to you which will possibly change the dynamics of your marriage, and if it doesn't insite a dynamic change in your husbands deplorable treatment of you and your family, then you will have the strength to move on into a world of self-respect, safe from abuse.

It took me a long time to learn this also, and ending my relationship was the hardest thing I ever did too. I am still unable to date and in the back of my mind hope that in the end he and I will be together, but I will never settle for less than what I want and deserve from a man again.

I am single now KMEJ, with a house, job and little girl, and my home is a happy, sanctuary for us.

I got off line last night Before all of you posted. I am printing out what you wrote- it made me cry, but in a good way. You all see so much more then I do. I need to read and reread those things and maybe I can get past my tunnel vision. I need to gather strength in your wisdom. Thank you so much. Lemonman thanks.

KMEJ - As a person who loves loves loves to dance and who has NEVER been tempted to stray from her marriage, I struggle when people tell you not to go. I'm sitting here saying "Go girl, go and enjoy yourself". Why on earth should you not go and dance. You've told him he's welcome. He does his own thing, goes bowling, cards etc. I'm not saying an eye for an eye. In my opinion, marriage should not be giving up everything you enjoy. However, given the domestic situation, I am amazed you can find the time or energy to get up an shake your booty!

The calls on the cell phone are highly suspicious. TT

TT- thanks for your opinion- I agree with you, but see the others points as well. I am irritated that I am always the one who has to give up things that I love. H does not like the band I like because the gitar (sp) player picks one girl a show to give his pick too, and when I go I always end up getting the pick- I think it is great, H does not. Any way off to a meeting, I will check in later.

KMEJ --
I'm doing it. My H, for example, objected to my time on MB, so I asked if we could have blocking software at home to reduce the time on MB, so here I am at the library!

It is awful to give up what you enjoy or to work to accomodate your H's needs with no effort on his part. What is worse is it is NOT appreciated. What I am getting back is even nastier attempts to bait me.

BUT I am glad I am doing it. I think this is a last, final "Hail Mary" pass in getting our M to work. Harley told me on his radio show once, "Those who sacrifice expect others to sacrifice." I am reaching joint agreement with my H on what I do, and I am looking to him to do the same. Now he has no excuse to be thoughtless and -- guess what? -- he doesn't like it!

For years, he said, "You get to stay home with the kids." I brought up my returning to work, and he didn't like it!

Please be prepared for a bumpy ride. What you are doing by not going out tonight is eliminating your H's excuses to be thoughtless towards you. HE WON'T LIKE IT!

I am trying to reinforce that our goals are similar (a happy family), that I want him to be happy, that I want to be happy as well, and that we need to find solutions to problems that make both of us happy.

Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> TT- thanks for your opinion- I agree with you, but see the others points as well. I am irritated that I am always the one who has to give up things that I love. H does not like the band I like because the gitar (sp) player picks one girl a show to give his pick too, and when I go I always end up getting the pick- I think it is great, H does not. Any way off to a meeting, I will check in later. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, this is where you are seeking something outside your marriage. You are seeking admiration and validation from another man...it comes out with that "pick" thing.

You are treading on thin ice.

You are staying in a relationship that is not meeting your needs...and you are seeking those needs outside your marriage. Either end the marriage and look to your heart's content...or stay where you are and stop looking for them OUTSIDE your marriage.

You are in a terrible marriage...but you cannot complain about how terrible it is while you are out doing the single stuff. You are either in it...or out of it...which is it?

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
<strong> KMEJ --
I'm doing it. My H, for example, objected to my time on MB, so I asked if we could have blocking software at home to reduce the time on MB, so here I am at the library!

Cherished </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cherished...

So, you are deceiving him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Do you think it's ok for you to be deceitful??

But, it isn't ok for him to be deceitful??

This has me confused.

committed

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I'm not deceiving him. We discussed that what he objects to is the time I spend on MB, and so by having a blocker on my home PC I am limiting my time on MB. We discussed my going on MB at the library but that would drop off over time because it is inconvenient.

I'm glad I was able to clarify.

Cherished

PS. Sorry about the triple post. There was the flooding protection so I couldn't post, someone had to go to the bathroom, and I needed to help another get on cartoon network. As I said, the blocking software at home is a way for me to be weaned off MB because it is certainly more difficult to concentrate at the library! There are many ways to find win-win solutions to problems!

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>