In case you have forgotten, I have quit my job of 6 years and am supposed to go next week with my WH on the truck. I have suspected an A for a while now.
I have not looked at cell phone records lately because it makes me crazy. "she" calls him using *67 and it can not be traced at all. These calls normally last over 100 mins. And at least two a week. Well, he has been acting distant lately and so I checked the records tonight. Yep, there are alot of calls from her. BUT, he briefly called her, I am assuming and the number was there. A land line about 10 miles from my home. Listed to a girl/woman. Yes, I called it, using *67 and only got a generic recording. Called about 10 times !!!
Now what ??? Do I call her and talk to her ? tell her to stop calling my H and call me without private name ? Do I let him know I am finally on to him ?? Do I ignore his calls, which seems to work pretty good ?
I am in the final stages of preparing to go on the truck with him next week !!! Frankly I really do not want to go and now ..... I am so p&^%%*& ed. I knew it, we all did.
What do I do ????
Help please !!!

Carnation

Adding - Somehow his calls to me lately, and I know they are from him, I have both sets of records - they do not show up on HIS bill, but they show up on mine as coming from a 181 number. What is up with that ?? He has been known to use calling cards in the past. Him and her are very good at being sneaky. But, perhaps I am finally on to them.
After his one call to her a few days ago, like he left a message, she called him using *67 and talked for over 100 mins.
Now I am assuming this. I have only this one call to this number, she normally calls him but maybe he was desperate. But it is a local call, to no one I know, could be her neighbor, who knows. But within the hour, she called again using *67.
What is up with a 181 number ? He is in Canada right now. But no record of any calls lately on his bill and I know he has called me.
I don't know if I only want to catch him in his lies, find out who she is - what a mess. I am supposed to be gong with him next week and I doubt if I can keep my mouth shut until then. I need help.

Carnation

Block your calls and send them the same way she does.

It will probably drive him nuts. He will not know how to answer the phone. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry you are dealing with this. U sure you want t/g on the road with a WS?

L.

Orchid, he is a SUSPECTED WS.Innocent until proven guilty HOWEVER bad it smells, right?

Carnation posted up a debate around the roadtrip a few days ago.

* Car, you need to be calmer than this, honey.

Stay Frosty.

I WOULD suggest that you ask your H about the anon calls on his cell records, but it will make him angry. All WS truen that around to say " how dare you snoop!" not " well, yes I've given you cause to snoop, let me explain."

I still gravitate towards it being a good plan for you to go on this roadtrip AS LONG as you can trust yourself to stay frosty, and unemotional.

if you can't, don;t go and confront him over the anonymous calls instead.

"Nice" is about to end for a while, dear Carnation. I pray you strength and give you the assurance that it DOES get better in EVERY case with time as long as you take positive action.

{{{{carnation}}}}

He has been angry with her before. Carnation just was never to identify the OW but maybe able to now. The point is that she should not tolerate his bad attitude towards her. I still would call him the same way the OW does. That c/b very telling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I agree L, but it will also make an angry, guilty man very angry indeed as it demonstrates snooping. even my 5 foot 4 Squid was a hurricane of spite when I gave her researched evidence.

I was thinking if Car can hold it together over the course of a road trip, SsuspectedWH is bound to give himself away OR show his innocence in a way that doesn;t require "snooping" and so may avoid a guilt/anger overreaction from him.

What U think ?

For ME precipitating a confrontation wasn't a problem as Or do you think precipitating a confrontation is neede now before the road trip ?

Well I can weigh in here, if ya don't mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think that you should confront him w/ the info you have, Carn, and before any roadtrip. Think of how miserable you might be to have it revealed while out there only to have to ride back looking at this man or worse having to find an alternate way home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think it is noble of Bob to assume the better of him, but realistically she is here cause she already knows she just didn't know, ya know?!

Long anonymous calls are very telling. You may not be getting an answer from OW cause she has caller ID and is not gonna answer (since she knows he would be calling from elsewhere). The OW in my case would almost never answer my calls, either. Lil ole me seemed too intimidating to converse with!

I am so sorry, as I know how this must be hurting you so bad and not having the answers is very, very frustrating!

I think that you should confront him w/ the info you have, Carn, and before any roadtrip. Think of how miserable you might be to have it revealed while out there only to have to ride back looking at this man or worse having to find an alternate way home! [Eek!]

Thats a very good point I didn't consider, T. D-day while on the road in a tin can with WH wouldn't be much fun.

Its not nobility from me, T, I just think that in personal life as in court, folks should be considered innocent until proven guilty, trust but VERIFY.

After D-day, Squid accused ME of having an affair because of my 'sneaky' behaviour etc as I gathered all the data I could and gathered all the help I could. I know its a dfferent circumstance, but I'm always kind of uncomfortable with kangaroo courts, even if in the case of infidelity if it SMELLS like an affair, it usually IS an affair.

Wise advice there T.

Even though it was rubbish , it still hurt when not true.

(((((((Carnation)))))))))) Honey there great big hugs to you.

Dry your eyes girl, go have a shower & get dressed well.

You feel it, you know something is way off, he is distant one minute, yet in the 'his safety' of away from you telling you he loves you & all nicely.

This is the penultimate time of DANGER for you...
How YOU, yes YOU BEHAVE right now, can have a de structive or reconstructive influence on your husband.

Hard as it is to know the facts & you have them, you have knowledge, so you have power.

Insofar as I understand he has invited you on this roadtrip. Okay, wow, double wow. If he was confident that your relationship was over, he would not bother, nor would he even being phoning you. He is stuck himself. He sounds very confused.

He needs someone to talk to that makes him feel safe. Someone he can have fun with NOW.

That could be you, if you can 'BEHAVE' that way, burying your on hurt emotions, and be loving to him, to let him see you are the woman he really wants to be with. Smack in the face I know, reality check definitely.

For a guy who is confused going on a road trip with his wife may well be his deciding moment. If it is a really 'safe' as in loving & caring about him (and Yes it is ALL about Him), allowing him feel good about himself.

Can you be in his company knowing what you know for extended/stressful periods of time, hearing him possibly treating you hurtfully, & remain calm & loving as a great friend who is interested solely in His feelings of being loved & accepted for who he is?????

If you feel the urge to blow your top what do you think the outcome would be??

To you it is absolutely justifiable anger yes!

To him it may be the confirmation in his own mind. He won't necessarily see it from your point of you. Remember he is NOT caring about your feelings right now. He is very confused & scared (that's hard to acknowledge I know).

If you really love him, let him see you love him, act lovingly towards him, let him see you as a person he would love to spend more time with.

Sorry if I have offended you Carnation. I have been there done that. Really I was lucky I had a lot of emotions running wild still do at times. What is really important at the critical moment you are in is to remain calm in front of him, yes have a very strong outburst when it is safe, right now does not imvho seem to be the time for that.

I found when I was able to think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> beyond my feelings & focus on his . I was better able to carry on in a not absolutely loving protective way but certainly not in an all out ball busting manner.

I think in essence again this is not professional advice, just my own experience. If you can put your own 'stuff' on hold & help him out with his turmoil, eventually he will surface to the one who is genuinely loving him for himself, & more so who is willing to help him despite being jackbooted in the face by him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It's hard, it does take huge amounts of committment & love. Just my thoughts, take em or leave em.

Carnation if I could I'd sprinkle that magic make it perfect dust on you & him & his truck, after I'd removed his head from his derrier. That ain't gonna happen in the real world, so it is up to you. How you react, what you say & DON'T say matters, matters hugely.

Be strong girl. Remember always you are lovable, and very worth loving. You are a Great Woman.
Chin up, live well, love well.

Best of luck.
Ktulu

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel "heard".

Perhaps I should wait, if at all possible, until he comes home next week end and confront him then. I certainly can not deal with this in the truck. Things are usually the most complicated and confusing for me, why I don't know, but that would be unbearable !!

For now, I really do not even want to talk to him. That usually drives him nuts. Wondering what is going on, like I mean, what do I know ?
Just last night, for the first time ever, he said to me - "I don't know if you are going to like it in the truck". Every single other time it is always - I can't wait until you are with me.
And, he finally dropped his guard and called her house. Or I think it is her house, could be anybodys because it is listed and she is a sneaky one. I did call it about 10 times late last night. When I thought I had the number a while ago, still don't really know what is what - I called it and said - This is Carnation. I want you to call me. Don't call my husband, don't call private party - call me. I thought that got my point across pretty good. But, like I said, that was another number. and could have been anyones. I am sure she will call him today and tell him that someone was calling her house (?) with *67 last night 10 times.
Any clue to a 181 number that does not show up on his bill ?

Thank you so much for the help. As you can imagine, I am completely going crazy. But - mad as heck. I mean, he was fully supportive of me quitting my job !!

Waiting for more help. and thanks.

car

Car, you have grown over these weeks, girls, I'm proud of ya !

Its sad though. tis thread has folsk with exprience and care iscussing around the edges but in trutrh carnation, its all going to go off like a bucket of bullets on a fire real soon.

I'm not sure anyone can 'help' you more from behind a website.

You need to confront your H to get admission or denial with proof and every experience on these boards says that will be an unpleasant thing. One of the most unpleasant things on earth.

Have you read surviving an affair yet?

I would also seriously recommend 'avoiding lovebusters' at this time.

Only you can know whether to confront him directly, to assess him on a road trip or trick him by calling from an anonymous phone.

Don't wait for ever hon. You aren;t going to get stronger by waiting nervously.

I suspect your phone call last night will kick off the process for you.

All blessings. However dark it gets it WILL get better. Do not lose the value of yourself.

Carnation go to www.whitepages.com and pull up resverse number and you will get her name and address -unless it is unlisted. Good luck hon -listen to what these good people tell you. I did not find MB until after I had blown up. It is taking forever for him to feel safe with me.

Carnation you've started the ball rolling, there is no going back it will gather momentum.

Most likely if that no. is op, then op will contact your husband, upset that you called <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Carnation dearest be ready for the potential onslaught that may come your way.

If it is infact op, your husband may either come at you with guns blaring, how dare you blah, blah, blah up so & so - his friend not yours. Or deny, deny, deny, & hope he got away with whatever he is hiding again. Or cop on extract his head & talk to you.

I can not reiterate enough how important it is that you express yourself clearly.

You are lucky you have time to formulate what you really want to achieve, and how you would like to achieve.

Your husband is on the hop and could panic.

I know I didn't fully understand the extent of it all in our own marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> not only did I blow a fuse, I threw it all out, him & all. It was only after days, or maybe 2 weeks I realised what I had & had not accomplished with regard to communicating it ALL to him & how He truly felt.

It really is all up to you. Your husband wants to feel good & get into the best/safest/garunteed love place for him right now.

What more can I say to you, save your heart girl.

Ktulu

Carnation,

I agree with Ktulu. Car's WH is a long haul driver gone for weeks at a time and almost never home. A very lonely life he leads (her too). She said that before this she wasn't the most loving wife.

He is not so much on the fence that he didn't want her to go on the road with him and I think this says alot.

Keep Plan A'g your butt off and do what Ktulu says on the road. A chance to be get very close to each other again.

Confront when you have solid proof after a few weeks alone on the road with him, if the affair hasn't ended by then.

You are still in Plan A. If the affair doesn't end when you confront with solid proof then you start exposing right before plan B.

I'm just afraid you haven't had a chance for a really great Plan A yet since he has been gone for so long.

This is my take on it anyway.

Thanks y'all for being here for me. It's been going on for a while now, but like Bob said, bullets are about to hit the fire. (I lift up my hands to God)
kt - I took your advice. He called first thing this morning, and I did not answer. Screw you I thought. But - after reading your reply with your wise words, I called him back. being my nicey nice way as pretty much usual. It went well. I actually wanted to get a good word in before OW calls and tells him about late night phone calls, although I did *67 so she really does not know who it was. ha ha
Real - I did look up number asap. I have name, a woman's and address, 10 miles away. Now this could be her mother, whoever, but after calling it, "she" called him back within the hour and talked for over 100 mins. grrrrr
True I can get more with honey than vinegar. And that is exactly what I have been doing for months. I also do not want to make it easy for him to confess. He has to do this on his own. And I know he does not want to hurt me. You know what I mean.
Thank heavens I just got a refill on my xanax. Gonna really need it, I thinks.

I must remain calm, I must remain calm....

Car

I would say that y'all don't know how good you have made me feel, but I am sure you do. BTDT - I do almost feel (and it is ALL about feelings)like I am in high school again and the popular kids are talking to me !!! Oh, heaven help me...
Understand that I am a tad over 50, of course do not look like it, lol and the name from the phone number is 28 !!! naturally. My WH is almost 50. probably pretty typical type thing here. grrr
Now I am thinking, hoping that in my many phone calls to OW last night, I used *67 every time. I, too, could have slipped up. Oh well, perhaps it is time for the sh*&% to hit the fan. yikes
I work retail and must work today, tonight. Hope nothings really crazy happens before then. Although everyone at work knows my whole story. I tell everybody, makes jokes, cry, sulk, laugh and hug some more, go to restroom and cry.... they are used to me by now. But... next week is my last week. Then what ??
If anyone is interested there is a little more background to my story.
Y'all make me feel validated, something I have not felt in a long time, esp. from WH.

Carnation

(((((Carnation))))))

Hope you are looking after yourself.
Go do it. That's an order, with a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Listen Hon, age & looks have very little to do with it usually. I am young & gorgeous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> roflmao....

Nuf already.... this 'thing' he's doing has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, NADA, you do not come into the picture (except for occassional guilt & avoidance & confusion cause he still loves you).

This is ALL ABOUT HIM. It is something that while he's listening or talking he feels really good about himself, he feels liked for who he is, important & wanted. There are no accusations or complaints shoved in his face, he is Mr Wonderful.
Nothing to do with you.

(((((((Sorry to tell you that Carnation.)))))))))

It is the biggest selfish action a person can do.

You gotta decide how your gonna clean up the pooh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> are you gonna smear it all over his truck I know it's tempting to stick his face in it or are you gonna give him chance to wipe it clean off.

Get your own dancin shoes on girl. Do something for yourself for a while, anything that makes you feel good just for you. Go treat yourself to a facial, hairdresser, manicure whatever you would like to indulge in. Don't think about just do it. You deserve some treasures just for yourself.

Remember you are a great woman, who is definitely lovable, deserves real love & true respect.

Ktulu x

Car,

You have proof of the #. You could hire a PI to get a pix of the OW. You may have to say that the OW is interferring with your life and have had to deal with calls from her. The unfortunate part is that you have identified yourself to her and welp, she could now easily turn the tables on you by filing RO charges.

Now stay away from the OW. It is your H you want back but you have to decide if you want to go on a trip with a WS or your H.

A very telling sign is that as long as your accompanying him on his road trips were in the future, I'll bet your Ws say no problem stringing you along making you think he wanted you with him. Why not? Because it was still future, now that this is a reality hitting real close, he c/b feeling pressure of now having ot reveal his true desire of NOT wanting you along. That c/b your key.

When he returns, let him know you don't feel comfortable or safe around him as a WS. Let him know that as your H you feel safe but not when he is a WS. This will show him the 2 personalities he is displaying and put that on notice.

You need to be able to turn your lemons into lemonade. Not being a doormat but identifying the 'elephant in the room'. Let him know you are aware of his WS antics and call him out on it every time. Don't let him play WS tricks on you and then hide behind his H exterior.

Stress the words, safe and caring vs love.

Let me know if you need further clarification.

take care,
L.

Hi. Well, I am back home from work. Lasted a whole 2 hours !! Had a little breakdown in the breakroom, hey isn't that what they are for ?? lol Pretty hard on me, that is for sure.
I called "the" number this morning. I did *67 and she answered, in her sweet litle girl voice. I am sure she was expecting my WH, I heard her say hello two times and purposely hung up. Lovely. WH called me a while later, sweet as pie. We had a nice long talk. Nothing was mentioned about any phone calls. So I do not know if they are "on" to me or not. I was still Plan Aing and he was acting nicely normal.
Before leaving work, I talked with one of our male managers. We have discussed this situation before. I need to get a male's perspective on this sometimes, someone who really knows me and how I am, etc. He said he thought I should confront him now before he comes home. That would make it easier for him to admit the truth to me instead of seeing me face to face and the pain I would be in. I personally do not think this is a good idea. I do not want to make it easy for him. Plus, he just wouldn't come back home, if ever. I know him. Or thought I did !!
I think I will just keep Plan Aing and leave the ball in his court. Unless something crazy happens soon or in the next week. It will be hard to pretend everything is alright, but he has been doing that for months !!
Any advice on this ?

Holding on for dear life. Thanks so much for any replies.

Car

Good morning all. Well, yesterday was quite a busy "phone" day. After having called OW (this I am assumming) and some the night before - there were alot of calls for me from my WH. It seemed like he was checking on me to see if anything had happened between his OW and me.
Perhaps she is putting the pressure on him now that it is getting close to me going with him. I am still Plan Aing and he seems to be liking it.
I am sure she knows about me or else why would she always call him using*67 first. Plus, there was a while ago that when we were talking about me/us that WH told me that maybe I was codependant. I go - what ?? This is a word he was not familiar with and probably had been discussed with OW. I proceeded to convince him that I was NOT co dependant. (although I probably am).
Anyway, after many short phone calls from him yesterday, last night he called me from his cell, he is in Canada to my home phone and his number came up on my caller id as 000 unavailable !!! I say to him, why are you calling like this. Not LBing, just curious. He seemed quite flusterd (sp) and was almost defending himself by saying he was calling from his cell and where he was. Apparently he got confused and thought he was calling OW. How stressful it must be for a WS. Tongue in cheek here. He has himself in quite a pickel and I am just going to sit back and watch what he does next. With eyes wide open, crying some of the time and trying to be as compasionate as I can be.
What do y'all think of all of this ?? (Texas here) thanks so much

carnation