I've been embarrassed to ask this one, but everyone on this board has been so understanding and helpful. Anyway, here it goes ... my H and I basically have had no physical intimacy for 5-6 years now, maybe longer (I honestly can't remember when we were active; it's truly been that long). And, believe me, I've tried. From sexy lingerie to romantic trips overseas, nothing really worked. To shed light on the situation, I'm thin, fit and attractive, and so is he! We always turned heads everywhere we go. We're both in our early 30's. Towards the end of when we WERE active, the only way to 'get things going' is to get tipsy and watch a 'movie'. (*I can't believe I'm even admitting this.*) But, even that went by the wayside yrs ago.

Before, when I tried to discuss our lack of intimacy, my H got very defensive. Said he's tired or busy, even when he wasn't working. After a while (few years), I just gave up and felt unattractive and undesired. And, no, he doesn't have any medical/physical problems in this department either. When we first met in college, 'it' was terrific. And, I'm 100% certain he's never been in an A. Anyway, my question is this ... can 'it' come back after so long? How? Many of you have asked in my other postings what do I want out of my M or where do I see myself in 10 yrs? Well, like everyone else, all I ever wanted is a stable, happy M with someone I can talk to, enjoy some common interest and a good emotional and physical relationship (and intimacy).

And, yes, you are right ... I'm very confused and can't make a commitment to return to my H b/c of so much bad history b/t my H and me even tho he says he has changed and wants to improve our R (incl physical intimacy). But, how do you do 'it' w/ someone who you've seen as your buddy/roommate for so long? (I'm sure my H is wondering the same question.)

Please help.

A Very Confused & Embarrassed ... Whisper

I'll be waiting here w/you for answers..Your not alone..

W28,

There is something really wrong going on there. You don't believe it is an A but you are posting here, so you might be having your doubts. You might want to check on him a little bit, nothing wrong with it but just be prepared to see things you never thought possible. You may want to install a key-logger or some other software to monitor his internet activities.

But going to your problem let me ask you this questions.

* Do you have kids? Maybe his perseption of you changed after you had kids and he feels guilty of having sex with the mother of his children.

* 5 years with no SF? Are you sure he is not having some medical problems? Have you seen him having an erection in all that time?

* If there are no medical issues I can't believe a man can go for 5 years with out getting anything. Is he watching porn on the internet? Check the history and cache (temporary files) files on every internet browser you have installed on you PC. If you need help doing this just ask.

Yes it can come back but first you need to know what is wrong.


PS: Don't be embarrased to say/ask anything in here. Chances are we will never meet, so go ahead.

Not sure if you've read my other postings, but I'm the one who had the A that started about a yr ago. To answer your questions ... no, we don't have kids. I am positive he's never had an A (I'm very good w/ PCs/internet and pay all our phone/cell phone bills, so I know. Plus, he never leaves the house.) I also know that my H does not have a medical prob. When we were intimate intermittently, everything worked just fine.

However, he is interested in pornography. But, according to everyone I know and have read, this is not abnormal for men. Note: years back when I learned what excited him, I even mentioned that I would be willing to try some of those things, and he just got embarrassed and shut me off completely.

I realize that passion and sex can't always be like it was in college, but I can't imagine living the rest of my life without it ... esp. at the age of 31.

Just curious - has anyone gone through this kind of experience and made it through to the other side?

~ Am really embarrassed now. Whisper

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? They can drop off quite quickly and quite early in some men. Happened to my husband. Our sex life went from 60-0 almost overnight. Good news is, there are injectibles, gels and patches to help overcome that. Might be worth looking into?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whisper28:
<strong> And, yes, you are right ... I'm very confused and can't make a commitment to return to my H b/c of so much bad history b/t my H and me even tho he says he has changed and wants to improve our R (incl physical intimacy). But, how do you do 'it' w/ someone who you've seen as your buddy/roommate for so long? (I'm sure my H is wondering the same question.)

Please help.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Whisper.

First off, it is not at all uncommon for men not to exhibit a high sex drive. It isn't written or spoken of often, but it is a real issue.

Having said that, you are not currently in a position to make demands for sex of your husband. There is no trust in your relationship with your husband. You have broken that.

You must start rebuilding trust between you and your husband. That simply can NOT HAPPEN as long as you are in contact, in any form with the other man. Period, no exceptions.

I don't know you, but I will make a promise to you. If you will return to your husband, body and soul, completely forsaking the other man for the next 4 weeks, then at the end of that 4 weeks, I will do my best to help you (publically, on this bulletin board) deal with your sex issues.

There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about sex. It is a perfectly normal human function, best served within the confines of marriage.

All the best,
Gimble

I think I know what the problem is here...you said he is interested in Porn...he might be addicted to it...It is NOT normal, btw!

Many are addicted to Porn...he is getting his pleasure from the Porn sites therefore has no desire for his beautiful wife!

Sex was a big issue in our marriage too...on MY part! It went years until H had his A...

it CAN and WILL come back if BOTH of you work on it! Has your H read any of the books? His needs Her needs? I am sorry I dont know your story :oDoes your H know about your A? Maybe once he knows about it, you can start working on the issues....I am sorry I dont know more about your sitch...I basically just come in now and then and only hit a few posts now!

But I assure you, the intamacy WILL come back, but your H has a serious problem right now that I think you are also in denial about! That needs to be addressed first!

W28,

You are right I didn't read your previous post but now I did. Sorry for that. You could say that he is not wanting to have sex now because he just found out about your A, but that doesn't explain why he didn't wanted to do it b4. The porn addiction might be a possibility worth exploring, but if I have to talk from my own experience I think that me watching porn never reduced my sexual desires for my wife. I used it as a substitute for something I was not getting. But he could be different. Do you have any idea how often he looked at porn? Did he used to do it b4 he started dating you?

Still I think you should give it some time now. You have more important things to worry now than sex.

It is not the watching of porn but the using porn and probably pleasuring himself...he may be addicted to that combination so that he no longer desires his wife or finds it more of a bother than it is worth.

But, yes, I also believe you can get 'it' back.

You need to be honest with him and you can both follow the MB principles to help achieve more intimacy in your marriage.

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

There is also a book called 'Fall in Love Stay in Love', by Harley

Well... Noone else has given this as a viable option.

Could he be gay?

No INTIMACY in 5-6 years? There is a lot wrong here in your marriage. No amount of rationalization can hinde this. Emotional Needs? Fatigue, Stress, Kids, ????? NO WAY. I think an affair or some kind of SEVERE porn addiciton is present. I feel very sorry for you that you even tolerated a marriage without intimacy for that long. How can you really be "married"? I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you on this. Just best wishes.

LM

You aren't the only one this happened to. H told me and I naively believed that he "couldn't" any more. So, I just accepted it. H rejected my attempts at nonsexual touch. Lightbulb should have come on, but it didn't. He spent the 3 years looking for a new partner-which he found. Several EA's along the way before the PA.
So, start looking for the reason for this lack...you'll find it if you choose to see the signs.
Hope I am wrong... wish someone had told me to open my eyes.

Thanks for everyone's input. This was a topic I was always too embarrassed to bring up to my friends/family, so I just assumed that physical intimacy simply goes away after long years of marriage, and porn was something all men had/enjoyed. To answer the questions ... no, I'm certain he's not gay (the stuff he watches/looks at are definitely heterosexual). I also am certain that he's never had an A, and I'm not turning a blind eye to this one. I don't know much of his sex interests/habits before our M since we only knew each other for 7 months before we got married, but we were definitely quite active throughout those 7 months and even a year or so into our M. I guess I really don't know the difference b/t addiction and interest in porn.

OK, so let's say this is an addiction, how can this be cured? Yes, I agree, I'm in no position to point fingers right now, but, for the same token, there were some serious reasons why I looked for love elsewhere. No, I'm not saying what I did was right nor even remotely justified. However, to answer the biggest question on my mind: "Should I return to my H?", these issues are things that I must be able to workout in my head. Lemonman is right. There were/are a lot of things that were very seriously wrong w/ my M. I need to have some confidence that that there's at least a good possibility that these issues can be resolved. I simply cannot see myself spending the next 13-14 yrs of my life under the same circumstances.

Thanks again for your invaluable input.

Whisper

Whisper,
Not sure you got the answers you needed. I read your links to David G's thread.

I think several factors contributed to your H's pornography habit:

5-6 years of no SF, he found a way to get SF

feelings of rejection, 2 dimensional photos don't turn him down

low self-esteem from job losses, weight gain & now your affair, photos don't hold resentment nor are they judgemnetal

possibly control issues, photos are always available

Is your H seeing an IC? Are you seeing one?

I saw a passage in "men are from Mars, Women...in the bedroom that reminds me of how I felt.

Men who are constantly rejected or controlled in the SF department tend to respond in a rejecting or controlling way when given the oppurtunity.

You reject your H for whatever reason. The next time that you are actually interested and approach him he surprisingly rejects you. The sad thing is that deep down inside he wants or needs the SF. He has resentment for all the rejection.

People gain weight as a defense mechanism for other issues in their lives. It's an excuse for their failures. Your H's subconscious is creating an excuse for why there is no SF between the 2 of you. "OK. I get it. She won't have SF with me bc I'm overweight not bc she doesn't like me as a person or bc she's not in love with me anymore."

Not sure if any of this fits your situation but thought I'd give you a possible view into your H's thinking or lack there of, lol.

Don't try to shrink him yourself. Try to get him to go to an IC if he isn't already.

Mac

I just have one question for you after reading your post, was your husband ever sexually abused or in a household that sexual abuse occured to him mother or siblings?? I have 5 brothers and they all have had their share of sexual dysfuction or affairs because of what we experienced growing up. You might want to find out about his childhood. I know it's affected my sex life with my hubby over the past 20 yrs. That might be what is causing him a problem.

CW

I just have one question for you after reading your post, was your husband ever sexually abused or in a household that sexual abuse occured to his mother or siblings?? I have 5 brothers and they all have had their share of sexual dysfuction or affairs because of what we experienced growing up. You might want to find out about his childhood. I know it's affected my sex life with my hubby over the past 20 yrs. That might be what is causing him a problem. Just a thought!

CW

My WH was also sexually abused as a child, I know this has influenced our relationship and his seeking EA/PA's. He also started looking at very strange websites, he has since stopped as I asked him if he was substituting one addiction for another and not dealing with the underlying cause. In my WH case, he can't seem to face the abuse so he stopped going to IC, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I fear that w/o this help, he will search for another EA/PA, it will just be a matter of time...

My WH was also sexually abused as a child, I know this has influenced our relationship and his seeking EA/PA's. He also started looking at very strange websites, he has since stopped as I asked him if he was substituting one addiction for another and not dealing with the underlying cause. In my WH case, he can't seem to face the abuse so he stopped going to IC, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I fear that w/o this help, he will search for another EA/PA, it will just be a matter of time...

Based on what everyone has said, I believe Mac's explanation probably is the closest and most plausible, given how well I know my H, although I don't recall "rejecting" him in that department.

Unfortunately, he refuses to go to IC. Says he's willing to go to MC, but he won't discuss this type of stuff and would probably go ballistic if I brought it up in front of the counselor. So, what to do if he won't go to IC? Any other alternatives?

~Whisper

I hate to bring this topic up again, can anyone recommend a solution to our 'problem'? (esp. if H won't go to IC)?

Thanks in advance!

Whisper