Confused -

Pep is right. Don't wait for this weekend. Change the locks YESTERDAY!!!! Honestly, you don't need help. It's very easy to do. Just a few screws, you take out the old one and put in the new one.

I know that right now it seems like WH is being reasonable, from what you said. But I guarantee that he is mad about the exposure. And maybe he doesn't know the full extent yet. When he finds that out, he may get very mad.

Do you want to come back from your parents house and find your home cleaned out? I know you probably don't think he would do that... but then, there's a lot of things he's done lately that you didn't think he would do, isn't there?

Have you exposed to your parents yet? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't - I know that can be a tough one. But I'm guessing that if you're going there to stay the night, you have. How close do they live to you? I'm guessing your dad would be more than willing to go back to the house and help you change those locks.

You know how sneaky they can be during A, and this is no exception. My now-XH tried to back out of trip to my parents' at Christmastime a few months after DD. I refused, saying either we both went or we both stayed home. He later admitted he had planned on leaving me while I was gone. I would have been gone a week. I have no doubt he planned on doing it then and moving everything he wanted out of the house. It would have been devastating for me - holding some of his stuff was the only way I got him to pay some things he owed and live up to his obligations.

I'm also not so sure about the kids visiting him for a weekend already. It seems to me that he should have at least a little more time of realizing what breaking up your family really means. (Not that I'm advocating using the kids against hiim - far from it. But given how recent this is, is it really a good idea to disrupt the kids schedule this way and already have them shuffling back and forth between mom and dad?) That's JMHO, but I don't have kids, so... other MBer's with more experience in this area want to chime in?

But, I'll say it again - change the locks now. Just in case.

Thanks for the advice, I will follow it you guys have been on the mark so far. I will pick up a lock set tommorrow and have it installed. The police are aware (they know us both by sight) and know that he has moved out and they are keeping an eye out for me. Thats one good thing about a small town I can call 911 or have them on direct connect to my nextel.

The kids really want to see him, but my son does have a school dance Friday night. So I think I will drop them off to my SIL Sat morning.

OWH has wasted no time exposing, he is visiting her mother tonight and several of their close friends. OW is still minimizing kiss trying to find out exactly what info I have he has not tipped my hand, he just says "Tell me the truth and you don't have to worry about it."

OWH called WH but he did not pick and has not returned call. OWH is keeping in contact with me to let me know whats going on, on his end. I'm working on my Plan B letter, I should have something to review tommorrow. Thanks so much for your advice and support. You guys are awesome!!

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: confused42 ]</small>

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: confused42 ]</small>

We are 9 years recovered, so this is ancient history....

OW was our friend. Her H was friends with my H since they were boys.

Sooooo.... when I came across "evidence", I called her. She lied. "We're just friends. Nothing happened" yada yada yada

When I finally got the truth out of my H that it was an 18 month affair, I told him he could not return to our home unless he went in person to OW's husband, with me as a witness, and confessed to OW's H.

He did.

it was the beginning of our recovery.

Truth and courage are the only way to go here.

Be smart.
Don't make decisions in fear.
Protect yourself where necessary.

Blessings and prayers to you.... and your lost husband. I pray he wakes up and becomes the man you married ... not this shell of a man who lies and cheats. (yech)

Pep

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Not-so-confused42... Your strength and courage is AWESOME!

Be careful about how "close" you get to OW's H. You are in a vulnerable position right now. Not that you'd do anything, just a "heads up".

Get a clothes pin for your nose. The shi# may really hit the fan when everyone knows about the exposure.

Be prepared for anything between a firestorm of anger from WH, to a whimpering puppy crawling back asking for forgiveness. Or anything in-between.

Love your kids to no end. The energy you devote to them right now will pay double dividends.

Most of all, keep a positive mental attitude, no matter what. Believe in yourself. You are the only sane adult left in your immediate family! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Best wishes,
SD

Its been mentioned a couple times (realtor & ShatterdDreams) that my screen name may no longer be appropriate. I would have to agree that I am more focused now. and since I truely am an optimist at heart I was thinking- "Bestisyet2B" might be nice. Not that I won't lapse back into confusion. But I do have a strong faith that things work out the way they should.

I understand about the vulnerability thing. But right now the only one I'm afraid I'll be to vulnerable is WH. Thats whats good about NC. He can be awfully charming when he wants to be. I do still love him and I worry that I will allow him to wiggle himself back into a comfort zone too soon.

I gave the OWH the website and told him to read info before making decisions, I felt bad he did not have the guidance you have given me. I didn't tell him about the posting, because I don't want him to see me talking about him. I guess thats kind of selfish.

Hi confused42...

"WH emailed about bank acount numbers to he could arrange his direct deposit offering more than I asked for."

I would be cautious here. Especially if he's aware of the exposure. He may really want to lower it, or stop it altogether.

I know... I'm so cynical. Sorry. I guess I'm just in a bad place right now.

I think you did the absolute right & best thing, and you did a great job doing it!

Isleepwithacat
Isleepwithacat@yahoo.com

Hi cat,
I thought of that too. I if he doesn't deposit what he should there are some bills I will not be able to pay like....his brand new mustang, the insurance for the mustang, the cell phone bill in his name, the property taxes so they could take the car, cancel his insurance, cancel his phone.

Good night all its been a long day! thanks for everything. (((((you guys are the best))))))

We had a quite/peaceful night. OW wants to work things out with OWH. I warned him to go slow and check th website. He has not disclosed the "evidence" or the source of it.

The locks will be changed today.

Keep us posted! You've done a great job! Get some rest and try to eat well. Healthy body/healthy mind. You'll need both for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SD

Just wanted to ck on you. Did you get the locks changed ? Be safe -he may start trying to get back with you. He may panick - because OW is talking working things out with OWH -he will be left with no one. Make him work for you and meet your demands -have him stay with his dad for awhile. You need more time.

realtor, I think you're looking over my shoulder!
He called my cell 3 times today saying mortgage company called about refinance we applied for could I go over some numbers. I thought maybe on the off chance it was legit'. He went over numbers we already knew. Then said he was going to be in town for a meeting. I said "Oh is that your meeting with____ (OWH)?" After a long pause and stuttering he said yes. I asked him what he was going to say. He said he didn't know. I told him the truth might be nice.

He asked to stop by and see the kids I told we planned to go shopping for Easter clothes but if he could be here by 6 he could visit with them for a hour. He agreed and said I could be present. I said that wasn't neccessary and I would find someplace to go. Then he said,"I need you to be there."

Its only been one night away from home. He better not think its that easy. He chose to leave us he needs to earn his way back!!! I did get the deadbolt. I have someone coming tonight to install it.(after WH leaves) Should I let him see the new deadbolt on the counter?

I don't think F-I-L has been very sympathetic.

I wonder if he is going to try to pass off the same lame story. About it being the 1st and only kiss?? I almost would like to see him try it.

Thanks for your concern I'll keep you posted

Let me back track a little. This morning I spoke with OWH who said OW admitted to a one time kiss and nothing else apologized and said she knew it was wrong and doesn't know how it happened and wanted to make their marriage work. OWH did not buy it because he had heard the evidence and continued to ask her for the truth, which he never got. He talked to WH and arranged a meeting for tongiht.

When I talked to OWH I told him that they probably have talked to get the same story. That we can not trust anything that they are saying now because they are like drug addicts trying to protect their next fix. I told him to stop trying to get the truth out of her because she wasn't going to give it but since she did want the marriage to push for no contact between OW & WH.

(see previous post for phone contact with WH today)

WH showed up here at 5:15 PM. The kids were all over him like they hadn't seen him in a year! I started making dinner and he came into the kitchen to hang out with me. He started small talk, DD kept trying to get to go up to her room to play with her, and he kept putting her off to talk with me. I played it kind of cool I spoke to him when he spoke to me and didn't push it.

After dinner he went up and played with the kids. I got on the computer trying to figure out if I should be doing plan A or plan B or what!? Then he came and sat with me and asked if he could come back and talk to me after he talked w/ OWH. I said that it was hard for me to talk to OWH but I thought that he deserved the truth. I showed him everything that I had and he was devastated and that he did not believe the lame 1st kiss story.

WH said that while he was laying in bed at his dad's last night he kept thinking what the he@@ am I doing here I want to be with my family. I told him I believed that our marriage had become weak and we had not fulfilled eachothers needs and that what opened the door for the OW. But as long as the OW was in the doorway he would not accept from me what she was providing. He said "I know what needs to be done to have no contact of any kind with her. And I would really like us to move away from here."

This is getting way to long so I'll jump to the chase. I told him that it was too soon for him to come home. That I didn't trust his words that he needed to show me he wants to come home to be a father AND a husband. He has promised to quit non-profit org and to have no contact of any kind w/OW. We will be attending a different friend's birthday party this Sunday as a family. (no conection to OW cirlce of friends). And we will start looking for property out of state in that area.

So now what? I wasn't expecting this so soon. I'll have to jump ahead in the SAA book, I've been concentrating on the Plan B letter. Do I skip that for now? I don't want him back until I can confirm NC with cell phone records that won't be until April 7th. Even then his actions will speak louder than words. What do I expect next? I'm still waiting for fallout from exposure I don't think he realize how much exposure there has been between me and OWH.

confused...

you should not be having such discussions with him....
and you should NOT be attending a birthday party with him this weekend....

nothings really changed...
he hasn't really processed any of this...
he's scared and lonely...

BUT
he needs to be those things...
he needs live, eat and breathe the reality of his actions....

you must not talk to him anymore.....
you are undermining your own plan B..
your own removal from his persistant chaos...

this is the guy so willing to lie to the children and say...
daddy's going to help grandpa.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

back to plan B...this time for real and for dark...

you are making a mistake....
ARK

Ok -he needs to go to MC or IC. He needs to write NC letter and you mail it. Do not talk about the future until he talks about his past with A. Ask him what made him feel it was OK to have an A ? Did he talk about you with her ? things like that but not until he can be honest. He has alot to account for now -it will not be easy for him.

Thanks guys! When he was here I wanted to say hold that thought let me post and I'll get back to you. LOL.

I told him it was too soon to come back home. I haven't done the Plan B letter yet. do I continue with that? When will I know it time to stop plan B and talk with him?

OWH and I are comparing notes and coming up with a lot of pieces to fill in the puzzle.

WH has acknowledged that the OW as a problem but he doesn't want to talk about it. He wants to just move. TOO EASY!!! I told him I will have questions and need explanations but not now because I wouldn't trust his response.

He identified that we spent too much time apart, him busy with meetings and going out and me working on the weekends. I stopped working weekends a year ago so I figure their relationship started before then.

When should he write the no contact letter? Should I tell him what needs to be in it?

Still a little confused!

bump

What do you want him to accomplish before you allow him home?

No Contact letter?

Willing to see a Marriage Counselor or Coach?

A promise of NC?

Passwords to computer, e-mail accounts?

Change of cell phone number in an account you can track online? Give up the cell phone for a month or three?

Change of job?

Apologies? To whom? Written or verbal?

Think about what he needs to do that will satisfy your needs. Establish them as boundries, but issue no ultimatum you won't follow through upon.

Keep posting, reading, learning. There is much that needs to be done!

Best wishes,
SD

SD,
Great questions. My first instinct is that I want him to be totally honest with me. But I don't think is possible because even if he were totally honest I still don't know I would believe him.

So realistically in order to come back home I would like him to:
Write a NC letter

Promise NC and maintain NC for 3 weeks to begin the withdrawl process.

Familiarize himself with MB concepts

Apologize for lying to me and being disrespectful.(written or verbal)

Willingness to see MC

Resign from Non-profit Organization

Doing these would demonstrate a willingness on his part to make a committment to work on our marriage. Ultimately there is a lot more I want but I believe in baby steps.