Hi All:

Most know our sitch. WXW "fell in love" w/married OM, family friends, etc. - divorced me/us and is now scrambling to convince OM to leave his W. It is a disastrous sitch with DD13 an emotional wreck. For her entire life; DD has been taught honesty and integrity are foremost in life by WXW and I.

DD is now faced with being forced to "accept" OM by WXW and will "marry him as soon as he D's OMW." So far, there have been no indications of D; although OM has left his W, moved back, etc. Currently OM and OMW are back together although DD does not know this. Note: DD attends wonderful Christian private school and is currently in counseling about this.

DD lives with me a week, w/WXW a week. She goes with WXW and OM to restaurants, ice-cream shops, etc 20+ miles away. (So as not to be caught!)

Problem is this: DD is afraid to tell WXW how she feels about OM because she is "afraid Mom will choose OM over me!" This is probably a fair assumption as I feel WXW would choose OM. As it is; WXW has chosen to be with OM for 1/2 of DD's life.

Counselor says that DD must somehow learn to "accept" OM's friendship, but not the adultery. And must also continue relationship w/WXW and work past the A. I ask how can anyone do this; much less a 13 year old. (Also recovering from emergency appendectomy and monthly's starting at same time. Oh, that was a load of fun for Dad!!! DD and I----shall we say; BONDED during that time! LOL) Seriously; counselor says that it will not be easy and will probably take several years - if ever to work through! So basically, DD is in a no-win sitch. (Loves Mom, Mom is in A relationship, DD feels left out and "Mom is going against all that she taught me.")

My dilemma: I do not want to "pressure" DD and counselor has warned me that this may happen. (Even w/o realization that I am pressuring.) So I must walk a fine line; which is uncomfortable for me; as I like to deal directly with problems.

My question: Other than tazer blasts, be-headings, and such; does anyone have suggestions about how DD can maintain her christian/moral bar, keep relationship w/Mom, and deal with OM?

Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FR

Well, I'll give you the way we look at it at my church...

We say that we love the sinner, not the sin. That we can still love a person, even if we don't like or respect what they are doing.

Have a talk with her, and tell her that you know she loves her mom, and that you know this is all very confusing for her. And that sometimes, people we love and respect choose the wrong way. That mom truly believed all the morals she helped teach DD over the years, but that she got sidetracked, as people sometimes do, and that it doesn't in any way negate the way she's been taught over the years. That when people who have certain morals about an issue, they will sometimes reverse their opinions about those morals in order to justify what they are doing.

And, above all, that you know she hopes that one day, her mom will wake up, see what she's done, and choose the right way again. When/if that happens, it would be good if DD could be there to help WW find the way again.

I know it's asking a lot of her at her age to have this understanding, when it's the parents who should be understanding, guiding, and taking care of her, not the other way around. But you could give her examples - such as how times when DD lied to you, you didn't stop loving her. You didn't like what she did, but you never stopped loving her because of it. That you didn't approve of lying, that it hurt you, and that you were concerned about how she might be harming herself by lying, but that never affected how much you love her in the least, and that your love wasn't conditional on her changing and telling the truth. That you were glad when she did, but your love was always the same no matter what.

A lot of people mistake unconditional love for unconditional acceptance, and that isn't the case at all. I don't have to approve or accept someone's actions to love them, and just because I don't approve or accept their actions and choices, it doesn't mean I have to stop loving them.

I hope this helps a little.

OMG.I just lost my ENTIRE LONG POST!


GRRRRR

I will have to retype it later FR.I have to make dinner.*^&%$!#@*&^!$*

Fishracer
I can relate to what you are experiencing with your Daughter. My DD was thirteen also when my first wife took off with her boyfriend. DD initially had little reaction but anger. As time went on she expressed her disgust to what mom did in many different ways. I always told the children no matter what you may feel about what your mom did always remember she is your mom, and she loves you very much. I allowed the kids to vent their anger but I also controlled the limits of their anger redirecting to good discussion when possible. Over time, as they grew older, the children grew to understand better and accept the situation for what it is. I never forced, nor prompted the kids to accept or reject my XW's boyfriend or later after that ended her new husband.
Just be there for your two Daughters. Be a shoulder to cry on, and use your sleeve if necessary to wipe the tears from their eyes. Also be an understanding ear when necessary but control the extent of their anger when possible. Never ever bad mouth your XW.

SM