I have asked a couple of questions in my previous posts, which my W posed to me. I had received some excellent advice and wish to thank those who responded. <P>My wife and I talked again very briefly over the weekend. It again was brought up about going to counseling and again she refused. Her position on this is that she is not going to go to counseling to "Fix" her. I informed her that the counseling would be to "Fix" us not her. As the betrayer I know that I am not suppose to expect any of my needs fulfilled. My issue is that she refuses to discuss, read, go to counseling etc. <P>I have been doing everything in my power to show her daily how much I love her and want this marriage to work. I tell her daily how I want her to be completely happy etc. I send her flowers once a week. Send her cards constantly just to say, "I love you". I always get negative responses to all I try. If I try and hug her she pulls away etc. As some of you have read my previous posts some from quite some time ago. This was one of the major causes for the "Fantasy Affair". She recently has informed me she doesn't want a divorce, however she still refuses to do anything at ALL to help repair the marriage. I find myself daily falling more and more resentful towards her, and see more and more faults with each passing day.<P>My question is "What do I do?" If I act on "Plan B" and move out, give her "A Wake UP" call, this I am certain will backfire on me in the sense that it will be the end. I don't want that, because for the most part of our entire lives together we have had a good marriage and I am sure that if we could get on common ground we could build a GREAT marriage. How do I do this? How do I do this without losing all of my love for her and end up resenting the Hell out of her and walking out the door when the final straw hits?<BR>

Couelle,<P>One very effective thing that you could do would be to start marriage counseling on your own. I think that Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders is great (the counseling is available via phone), and he's more than willing to work with one partner. In addition, you should see if your wife would be willing to fill out the lovebusters and emotional needs questionnaires:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html</A> <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html</A> <P>If she's willing, this would help you to define what she considers a "lovebuster", and then you would come up with a plan to eliminate the behaviors in that category. Likewise, you will get information on her emotional needs, and which of those she's willing to let you fill.<P>I really suggest that you call Steve and set up a plan with him. I would also suggest that you DO NOT think of separation, and that you try to open a dialogue with your wife as to what she'd like out of the marriage---it seems like you're pushing too much in areas that she's not ready to have you involved in now.

K,<BR>Thanks for your reply! I have been in counseling on my own for quite a while now. I am now at a point though that 1. I can't fix this without her help!<BR>2. I don't know how much more of her love busters I can handle before I lose the rest of my love for her and walk out.<BR>She has filled out both questionaires quite some time ago. All her answers where extremely vague, and she to date refuses to discuss any of this with me. She wants "Honesty and Openness" but the way I feel she doesn't want that from me. How do you be honest with someone when they cut you off all the time? Talking after work, as long as I hear her day things are okay, when she asks me about my day, I get cut off and it's back to her.<P>I don't discuss my days anymore, if she inquires I simply state "uneventful". If I don't, I end up just upsetting myself with more anger towards her.<P>So my bottom line is simple, She doesn't want a divorce (so she says) yet she doesn't want to do anything to begin the healing. I don't want a divorce, but I don't know how long I can tolerate this course of action.

couelle,<BR>i know exactly what you're going through.. i am in the same position as your wife. my husband is being like you...he sends me flower and poems, and he tells me he loves me, and he pays sooo much attention to me...it's great. but like i told my husband, it just doesn't have the same effect as it would have if he never committed the affair thing. i guess we acknowleged that you're trying, but for me personally, i just don't appreciate it as much as i should. instead of making me happy when he do these things, it makes me really angry. my husband sent me this love poem that was really touching...it brought tears to my eyes, not because i was happy, but instead i was sad...well, i guess it had that affect on me because he used to send his lover all kinds of poems in the past, and now he's giving me one(a different one of course) but the fact of the matter is that it triggered bad memories...I feel like i'm his second choice...his leftover, that he is only trying because she didn't want him....that's why i don't have any motivations, or reactions...because i love him so much, i can't leave him, but because i have so much anger and resentment towards him, i am confuse. sometime, when i get alot of bad memories, which i do, i don't want anything to do with him...yet, i can't bare the thought of losing him...i guess you can say, we wives are too overwhelmed with this betrayal thing, we're confused, we don't know what to do....i hope this gives you some understanding of your wife's behavior. good luck.<P>"Like a new day, sunrise from nothingness, a feeling for you awakens in my heart. When it seems my love for you cannot be any stronger, it grows, and as the golden sun sets to give way to a starry night. My heart sets with it, back in my heart where it will be forever. So, I shall be able to dream of your ever present beauty and arise the next morn to know you'll be with me. Together, as one, forever."