Most of us have a real problem with the images and obsessions getting in the way of our healing. Over the last week I have been working hard at finding tools to change those images. I think that just getting rid of them is too much to expect so I have tried to form new ones that are more constructive in the healing process.<BR>For instance, the phone bills showed me that H always phoned OW on his way to and from work, and whenever we came home from a night out. I decided to use this to my advantage. I have created an image of her sitting by the phone waiting, while we were out to dinner with friends in a fancy restaurant. He certainly never took her to nice places with his friends! I have a new image of her looking at the phone on March 8 expecting that call in the morning and not getting it.<BR>I created an image of H showing up repeatedly at her house drunk as a skunk (not pretty). He hasn't been drunk since Feb. but that was what she usually received.<BR>I could go on and on but my point is that this is a tool that I am using to replace those other images - it seems easier than simply trying to get rid of them.<BR>Does anyone else have any suggestions or tools that they use downsize the affair and OP in their mind? I think this could help a lot.<BR>

WOW wasstubborn!! Thanks! I don't have anything to add but let me try your suggestions for a few days. I think this might REALLY help me! I am getting bogged down in harmful images. Like, for instance, instead of remembering her calling 6 times while I was in labor 4 hours, I'll remember how anxious and miserable she must have been knowing h and I were celebrating and intimate moment with the birth of our child and SHE was having to put on a happy face and give EVERYONE at the office the update on how I was doing and how my beautiful baby was! HA!! I like this image MUCH better. Stubborn, you put the first genuine smile on my face that I have had in days!!!!!!!

WS:<P>I like that idea. I, too, have used my imagination to help with the images. I know my W's OM had a lousy job and was very unhappy with his own marriage, so I picture him at the end of a REALLY bad day at work, sighing at the prospect of having to go home and face his wife (who now knows of at least two affairs he's had). I picture him being miserable with his life and it makes me feel better!<P>I also picture him picking up the phone to call my W, and then suddenly remembering that I'm bigger and stronger than him and deciding he'd rather be miserable than get his face stomped in by me!<P>It's helpful for me too!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

sis<BR>I'm so glad this helps. Keep doing it!! It really seems to work. I used to have these images of her being in complete control but now that I'm working on this the anger is leaving and I really see how pathetic that kind of life must be. I almost pity her.(I said ALMOST)<P>Hey Lone Star<BR>We were posting at the same time so I'm adding this. I like your idea of remembering what you have that he doesn't - the size.<BR>I have some thing OW doesn't have - BRAINS!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited May 27, 1999).]

I, too, get caught up in what OW has and I don't. Using y'all's (great English teacher word!) methods, I can EVEN turn her LARGE breast into liabilities:<BR>1. They probably already sag down to her knees.<BR>2. She'll NEVER know the freedom/joy of going BRALESS!!!!!!!<BR> Sorry, had to go with it!! Another BIG smile for me, though!!!!!!!

sis<BR>Same situation for me!! I made up an image that if I ever ran into OW, I would look her up and down then say "My H always did like me better with a few extra pounds!" Not that he does but you get the point!

Ohhh, I like this. Let me try. Instead of making myself sick every Saturday night ehrn he is with her, I just remind myself that every other night I'm the one who gets to go to bed with him. The other night we were looing for new investments for some money he has (not very romantic, but something he lies to share with me). He turned to me and said you know I don't research stock with anybody else. She might have more money than me, but who has more influence over him? ME that's right.<P>As a side note: you guys might want to take a look at my post 'your needs met". I think you'll like it.

tornapart<BR>You've got the picture!!!You can use this tool for so much strength and it's not hard to remember what you have if you try!!!<BR>I did read your post Loved it and have already printed it up. You're doing great!!

Hey, WS:<P>I have a LOT that the OM doesn't have: Brains, earning power, size (I think you know what I mean!! Okay, okay. Poor taste, but I couldn't resist the jab at him), and personality.<P>But the MOST important thing I have that OM doesn't have is my wife! Heh! No matter what else he has, I have her and he doesn't!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

Lone Star<BR>We have to get those jabs in don't we. I like all this positive stuff guys. let's build that self esteem!!!!!!!

I wish I could do this. But I don't know how. All I can think of the way they made each other feel. I know that he would tell her about when we would go to dinner with friends. She told him that he had better had gotten his fill of Mexican food because she hated it and when they were together she won't go there with him. I do know (think) that when I had our little girl that the contact stopped for a few days and she knew that he was with me. That does put a smile on my face. But then I wonder if when they did talk if they bad mouthed me? It would have made it easier for her.

Monique:<P>There's a positive right there: You have a "part" of him because YOU are the mother of his child. She isn't. Guess that makes you pretty important (at least in MY eyes it does). <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

AAARRRGGGHHHH. The dreaded "double-post."<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited May 27, 1999).]

HI WS, GREAT!!!!<BR>I am so happy to read this this morning. You have no idea what a huge boost you just gave me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! <BR>I like that drunk image, and it hits home. H states he was drunk everytime. I think I will picture him slobbering drunk, really loud and aggressive, which he gets. Many years ago I stopped having sex with him while he was drunk because he was way too rough and aggressive. Ahhh, is this a cause or an effect of the relationships??? Ohhh, just recognized that and need to think.<BR>Sex while drinking is fine, but not while drunk!<BR>I always have envisioned the OWs that I do not know as fat, young and zitty, stringy hair, missing teeth, cellulite, stretch marks, with stinky feet. During sex I would see the OW putting her stinnky feet in H's face and him passing out from smell and alcohol!! Gross. <BR>Thanks WS. Have a great thursday!

Monique<BR>I know this can be tough but practice it.<BR>She probably said that about mexican food because she was jealous. She doesn't want to admit you exist so they probably weren't bad mouthing you. Take these images and work them to your benefit. Use your imagination to see her jealous and alone and waiting!!! It's your imagination and you can do anything you want with it!!! I know you can!

cl<BR>I'm so glad you are enjoying this. It's the most fun I've had in months!!!!<BR>I've been quiet for a few days because I've been working on a lot! Maybe those zoloft are kicking in?<BR>BTW<BR>Great news! My H finally told me something negative about the OW. He said she is SELFISH just like I said. This is a major step forward since he avoids saying anything about her.<BR>

I've got one better. The night of the episode of H and OW, later, he was in my bed with me. And the next night when we were out in the hot tub, she got out first. And he was in my bed that night too, while she stayed on the couch by herself.(she's my sister-in-law and stayed the weekend). And she knows he told me all her "secrets" within a week, which really upset her"well, isn't that nice" were her exact words. And she knows we went down to St. Martin for two weeks, no kids, two weeks later. My other sister-in-law, who knows nothing about this sent an e-mail to them innocently saying how tanned and relaxed we looked when we got back.HAHA, that's icing. You're right, this definately puts a smile on my face.

prism<BR>I love the stories and the smiles. Keep it up. <BR>I have to go plant my garden now before it rains. Keep enjoying this everybody - I'm going to spend the whole day doing it. SUCH THERAPY!!!!!

Thanks, WS! When my H wanted to bring a photo of the baby to put on his desk at work, it bothered me. I didn't want her to have anything to do with my kids -- even to see a photo of them! You've helped me see it in a different light (especially now that he's broken it off). <P>I think I'll find an especially good picture of our beautiful children and have it blown up for his office today. (Of course, I'd rather I was in the picture too, but that might be pushing it too far just yet).

Animac<BR>You're doing great!!! I'm so happy for you. Use that mind, don't let it use you.<BR>I REALLY have to go plant my garden now!!!