Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#1326281 05/27/99 09:26 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
Most of us have a real problem with the images and obsessions getting in the way of our healing. Over the last week I have been working hard at finding tools to change those images. I think that just getting rid of them is too much to expect so I have tried to form new ones that are more constructive in the healing process.<BR>For instance, the phone bills showed me that H always phoned OW on his way to and from work, and whenever we came home from a night out. I decided to use this to my advantage. I have created an image of her sitting by the phone waiting, while we were out to dinner with friends in a fancy restaurant. He certainly never took her to nice places with his friends! I have a new image of her looking at the phone on March 8 expecting that call in the morning and not getting it.<BR>I created an image of H showing up repeatedly at her house drunk as a skunk (not pretty). He hasn't been drunk since Feb. but that was what she usually received.<BR>I could go on and on but my point is that this is a tool that I am using to replace those other images - it seems easier than simply trying to get rid of them.<BR>Does anyone else have any suggestions or tools that they use downsize the affair and OP in their mind? I think this could help a lot.<BR>

#1326282 05/27/99 09:30 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 274
S
sis Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 274
WOW wasstubborn!! Thanks! I don't have anything to add but let me try your suggestions for a few days. I think this might REALLY help me! I am getting bogged down in harmful images. Like, for instance, instead of remembering her calling 6 times while I was in labor 4 hours, I'll remember how anxious and miserable she must have been knowing h and I were celebrating and intimate moment with the birth of our child and SHE was having to put on a happy face and give EVERYONE at the office the update on how I was doing and how my beautiful baby was! HA!! I like this image MUCH better. Stubborn, you put the first genuine smile on my face that I have had in days!!!!!!!

#1326283 05/27/99 09:32 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
WS:<P>I like that idea. I, too, have used my imagination to help with the images. I know my W's OM had a lousy job and was very unhappy with his own marriage, so I picture him at the end of a REALLY bad day at work, sighing at the prospect of having to go home and face his wife (who now knows of at least two affairs he's had). I picture him being miserable with his life and it makes me feel better!<P>I also picture him picking up the phone to call my W, and then suddenly remembering that I'm bigger and stronger than him and deciding he'd rather be miserable than get his face stomped in by me!<P>It's helpful for me too!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

#1326284 05/27/99 09:34 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
sis<BR>I'm so glad this helps. Keep doing it!! It really seems to work. I used to have these images of her being in complete control but now that I'm working on this the anger is leaving and I really see how pathetic that kind of life must be. I almost pity her.(I said ALMOST)<P>Hey Lone Star<BR>We were posting at the same time so I'm adding this. I like your idea of remembering what you have that he doesn't - the size.<BR>I have some thing OW doesn't have - BRAINS!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited May 27, 1999).]

#1326285 05/27/99 09:41 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 274
S
sis Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 274
[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I, too, get caught up in what OW has and I don't. Using y'all's (great English teacher word!) methods, I can EVEN turn her LARGE breast into liabilities:<BR>1. They probably already sag down to her knees.<BR>2. She'll NEVER know the freedom/joy of going BRALESS!!!!!!!<BR> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Sorry, had to go with it!! Another BIG smile for me, though!!!!!!!

#1326286 05/27/99 09:44 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
sis<BR>Same situation for me!! I made up an image that if I ever ran into OW, I would look her up and down then say "My H always did like me better with a few extra pounds!" Not that he does but you get the point!

#1326287 05/27/99 09:46 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 127
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 127
Ohhh, I like this. Let me try. Instead of making myself sick every Saturday night ehrn he is with her, I just remind myself that every other night I'm the one who gets to go to bed with him. The other night we were looing for new investments for some money he has (not very romantic, but something he lies to share with me). He turned to me and said you know I don't research stock with anybody else. She might have more money than me, but who has more influence over him? ME that's right.<P>As a side note: you guys might want to take a look at my post 'your needs met". I think you'll like it.

#1326288 05/27/99 09:52 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
tornapart<BR>You've got the picture!!!You can use this tool for so much strength and it's not hard to remember what you have if you try!!!<BR>I did read your post Loved it and have already printed it up. You're doing great!!

#1326289 05/27/99 09:56 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Hey, WS:<P>I have a LOT that the OM doesn't have: Brains, earning power, size (I think you know what I mean!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Okay, okay. Poor taste, but I couldn't resist the jab at him), and personality.<P>But the MOST important thing I have that OM doesn't have is my wife! Heh! No matter what else he has, I have her and he doesn't!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

#1326290 05/27/99 10:00 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
Lone Star<BR>We have to get those jabs in don't we. I like all this positive stuff guys. let's build that self esteem!!!!!!!

#1326291 05/27/99 10:06 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 239
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 239
I wish I could do this. But I don't know how. All I can think of the way they made each other feel. I know that he would tell her about when we would go to dinner with friends. She told him that he had better had gotten his fill of Mexican food because she hated it and when they were together she won't go there with him. I do know (think) that when I had our little girl that the contact stopped for a few days and she knew that he was with me. That does put a smile on my face. But then I wonder if when they did talk if they bad mouthed me? It would have made it easier for her.

#1326292 05/27/99 10:09 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Monique:<P>There's a positive right there: You have a "part" of him because YOU are the mother of his child. She isn't. Guess that makes you pretty important (at least in MY eyes it does). [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR>

#1326293 05/27/99 10:09 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
AAARRRGGGHHHH. The dreaded "double-post."<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited May 27, 1999).]

#1326294 05/27/99 10:12 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
HI WS, GREAT!!!!<BR>I am so happy to read this this morning. You have no idea what a huge boost you just gave me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! <BR>I like that drunk image, and it hits home. H states he was drunk everytime. I think I will picture him slobbering drunk, really loud and aggressive, which he gets. Many years ago I stopped having sex with him while he was drunk because he was way too rough and aggressive. Ahhh, is this a cause or an effect of the relationships??? Ohhh, just recognized that and need to think.<BR>Sex while drinking is fine, but not while drunk!<BR>I always have envisioned the OWs that I do not know as fat, young and zitty, stringy hair, missing teeth, cellulite, stretch marks, with stinky feet. During sex I would see the OW putting her stinnky feet in H's face and him passing out from smell and alcohol!! Gross. <BR>Thanks WS. Have a great thursday!

#1326295 05/27/99 10:16 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
Monique<BR>I know this can be tough but practice it.<BR>She probably said that about mexican food because she was jealous. She doesn't want to admit you exist so they probably weren't bad mouthing you. Take these images and work them to your benefit. Use your imagination to see her jealous and alone and waiting!!! It's your imagination and you can do anything you want with it!!! I know you can!

#1326296 05/27/99 10:21 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
cl<BR>I'm so glad you are enjoying this. It's the most fun I've had in months!!!!<BR>I've been quiet for a few days because I've been working on a lot! Maybe those zoloft are kicking in?<BR>BTW<BR>Great news! My H finally told me something negative about the OW. He said she is SELFISH just like I said. This is a major step forward since he avoids saying anything about her.<BR>

#1326297 05/27/99 10:23 AM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 29
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 29
I've got one better. The night of the episode of H and OW, later, he was in my bed with me. And the next night when we were out in the hot tub, she got out first. And he was in my bed that night too, while she stayed on the couch by herself.(she's my sister-in-law and stayed the weekend). And she knows he told me all her "secrets" within a week, which really upset her"well, isn't that nice" were her exact words. And she knows we went down to St. Martin for two weeks, no kids, two weeks later. My other sister-in-law, who knows nothing about this sent an e-mail to them innocently saying how tanned and relaxed we looked when we got back.HAHA, that's icing. You're right, this definately puts a smile on my face.

#1326298 05/27/99 10:26 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
prism<BR>I love the stories and the smiles. Keep it up. <BR>I have to go plant my garden now before it rains. Keep enjoying this everybody - I'm going to spend the whole day doing it. SUCH THERAPY!!!!!

#1326299 05/27/99 10:30 AM
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 723
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 723
Thanks, WS! When my H wanted to bring a photo of the baby to put on his desk at work, it bothered me. I didn't want her to have anything to do with my kids -- even to see a photo of them! You've helped me see it in a different light (especially now that he's broken it off). <P>I think I'll find an especially good picture of our beautiful children and have it blown up for his office today. (Of course, I'd rather I was in the picture too, but that might be pushing it too far just yet).

#1326300 05/27/99 10:33 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,388
Animac<BR>You're doing great!!! I'm so happy for you. Use that mind, don't let it use you.<BR>I REALLY have to go plant my garden now!!!

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5