Thank you new jersey. I wil keep reading and searching. I feel like I'm now not necessarily looking for a way to justify what I'm doing but for the strength and encouragement to do what I know I need to do......

[color:"blue"] We are here to support you & encourage you to do the right thing. If you need some tips on how to tell your W & start the process of healing, let us know. We'll be there for you. I got to run (meeting tonight) but I've been thinking about your sitch all day & am very concerned 4 you. I just know that as a Christian man, even though your W's walk is farther than yours, God will convict you to do the right things. All you have to do is listen to Him. Hugs, [/color]

Thank you Standing together. That was very sweet. I feel better tonight. Maybe soon I will have the strenth to do what is right to do. Thank you....

seeking~
I am another BW and I do not have much to add to everyone's insight but to say that you are not only being unfair to your betrayed wife by having an affair (understatement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />) but you are ROBBING her of her choice... that is what still sticks in my craw. My FBH did not give ME the opportunity of choosing to stay or leave before he "left" in his mind and soul (and body).
If OW means so much, tell your BW and leave her.
Who knows, she may choose to leave you and then you won't have to "choose" between BW and OW. Then you can have your wonderful non (or little) sexual fantasy with OW and lead your perfect little life with her and let your wife find someone who will be honest and truly love her.
Sounds like a plan to me.
OR you might be lucky enough for your BW to want to fight for you because you are her HUSBAND and she choose to marry you and will honor her vows until she has no choice (divorce by you or death.)
Hopefully you are really here for HELP and not justification of your affair (you're knocking at the wrong door) but I find it hard to believe you would think you would find that here after lurking for a year.
End it with OW. Get thee to counseling. Tell your wife.
Get backyour integrity, your honor and do things right.
Hope things work out w/o too much more damage to your BW and your M.
Frags

Seeking, I bumped up a thread by kyellow for you. Please read it. As a FWS and BS, I can tell you that taking responsibility for your A is of the utmost importance.

God bless.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you again that responded to my post. Very good advise with a lot of wisdom. I have been away on a trip and haven't been able to be on here for a few days. And yes I just saw the OW again. I'm really feeling this is reaching it's end. I just can't go on with this. Our relationship is suffering big time because of all the guilt. I believe the OW will never be ready to make a change and I don't think I can either. I really want to make things better with my wife. That is what's right. Right in Gods eyes, right in societies eyes, right in my familes eyes. All of you WS no how hard it is to do the NC. I just don't know how I will survive it. I don't even want to try cause I know I will fail. Not a very good attitude huh? Anyway I won't get started again I just wanted to thank everyone again. I'm getting His needs Her needs for my wife and I to go through. I'm sure I'll still be around here reading all the good wisdom. Seeking? and finding..........

wanna know how to get through it---tell your wife and she'll make sure there is no more contact....bs's tend to become real good at that...:)

Seeking,

I have been thinking about you. No lie, I was going to check the thread & if you hadn' been on, I was going to bump it up to get an update from you. I was hoping you were away for so long b/c you told your W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But, not so. It's a great thing that you're getting HNHNs for the both of you to read. Very good material. Read every inch & follow the plan. It works if both of you are willing to do the work. I would also recommend you get the book, Surviving an Affair. It also has some very valuable insight for you.

Have you worked out any kind of plan to tell your W & establish NC? I do believe the more you have this line of thinking that the contact will ease off by itself, you're going to run into a lot of problems. It's going to be very hard to do it anyway, so the best thing to do would be to just do it.

You know your OW is not ready to leave her M for you either so I don't think she'd have a problem w/you ending it b/c it seems that both of you are too wracked w/guilt to continue it. Sometimes guilt is a very big motivator to end bad behavior.

I would caution against saying things like:



A positive attitude is what is needed here so you can go full force into re-building your M w/o hesitation.

I'm pulling for you & if you need someone to talk to, I'm sure my H would be willing to e-mail you. He's been there (although his A wasn't as long as yours) & I think he could give you some very good insight.

Seeking,

I’ve read this thread and I can sense from your posts that you are a sincere person who wants to do the right things and wants to turn away from your wrong behavior, but who are currently struggling much to do so and also struggling with yourself… I see you keep telling yourself that you are too weak and will fail and this is where the problem lies: you keep giving those negative internal messages to yourself. But you know what? The fact is, you CAN do this… All the FWS’s who are posting here are people who felt just as weak as you at the time (and I’m also speaking for myself here). The fact is, NC is a very hard step to take and withdrawal is very hard & painful on the WS, but this is the ONLY path to take. Feeling weak is not an excuse to not do the right things. You need to do the right things and take the proper actions to save your M in spite of your feelings of weakness. This is the only way you will get through this and will get through withdrawal from OW. But first you need to stop giving yourself those negative internal messages. Those messages just gives you permission to exuse yourself from doing the right things and prevent you from taking responsibility and the necessary actions to save your M.

Also, I want you to read this thread: How the wayward get wayward. It’s an excellent thread and will give you much insight and understanding into yourself as well.

Read this thread too: Atruheart’s letter to WS’s everywhere. This is definately a MUST read for any WS!

Blessings,
Suzet

StandingTogether and Suzet thank you so much for your posts. I have read the links and really good stuff there. Standing Together thanks for thinking of me. I have to leave for the day so don't have time to commment now but I'll be back early this evening....I really appreciate the advice and the encouragement. I'm starting to get excited about the future even though I know it will be very very difficult for my wife....There is no way I can "reconnect" with her without sharing this dark deep secret....but I know the final outcome will be a beginning to a new and beautiful marriage. Be back tonight.....

I read all the links and it is amazing how it sounds like it was written directly to me. I know people have been here before and of course everyone probably thinks they are an exception. I was with the OW yesterday and it's not the chemistry or the passion that draws me so much. It is her friendship, our compatability. At this age you are set in your ways big time. I just can't believe how much we enjoy each others company and how many similarites we have in our likes and dislikes. Of course not true at home and that's why I got myself in this in the first place. I owe it to my wife to be honest where I am. I haven't done that but will soon. I also know that there is no way to have contact with OW and make it work in the marriage. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. All of your encouragement and advice has helped me to move closer to this. It will happen soon, I know. I will keep you posted. You all have been so kind and understanding. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will be back.........

You're exactly right. Everyone does. There may be differences in the situations, but usually always it's the same underneath.



This is exactly what happened to us. If you could talk about opposites, my H & I's pics would be beside the definitions!

I remember my H telling me that this OW loved going to the gun club w/him, learning how to shoot, having the same sense of humor, etc. while I was "boring". So what did we do? We filled out the RC inventory & discovered the things that we both had in common & concentrated on those things. We are also very different, both in personality & likes/dislikes. Like I said, our pictures could be at the definition of opposites. But, we compliment each other. Like they say, Opposites attract.

Yes you do. She deserves honesty. She needs to know where her H has been this past 4 years. If you think she doesn't know anything's wrong, you're kidding yourself. She can sense it, believe me. She might be afraid to say anything. But she knows.

I'm glad to hear that you're moving closer to your goal, but I would encourage you to do it very soon, not just soon. It seems like you have a non-chalant attitude of, I'll do it when I can. Let me ask you? Is there ever a right time? The answer is no. There's never an appropriate "time" to tell your W about your A. You just have to do it. Get it over & done with. You have to face the music sometime & the best time to start the rest of your life is NOW.

You are right my wife does know something is up. I am dfinately different than I use to be and as hard as I try to act as you know after this many years you just know someone. She will not be surprised when I tell her. It will ALL make sense. I know you are right, Now is the time...There is/will neve be a good time. Oh it is so hard.
Not only to have NC but to hurt my wife so much....I know going on will only make that worse...Another question? What do you think about telling or not telling grown kids about this???? Right now my oldest son, his wife and two children are living with us during the month of April. They are between two houses. I'm wondering if I should wait till the end of the month when they are not around. I don't think this is something we could hide from them if I were to drop this on my wife right now...What do you think???

Seeking,

To answer your question, I believe that AFTER telling your W, if BOTH of you decide to tell your children, then that is up to you. He could give you both support or he could end up resenting you. It could go either way. I do believe though that your W should be involved in that decision. One of the things to POJA about.

I was also thinking, since you & my H have so many similarities in the reasons behind your A's, I think it would be beneficial to talk to him. He doesn't post here that often, so he said he'd be willing to correspond via e-mail w/you if that's ok. He also has a Yahoo ID if you would like to i/m each other. Are you up for that? He could maybe help you w/NC, holding yourself accountable, telling your W, etc.

Thank you for your post, I appreciate your husbands offer to correspond. That is very nice of him. It would be really nice to communicate with someone directly that has been in my shoes. I'm on a business trip right now and will be traveling all day tomorrow. I won't be back in my office until Thursday and probably can't be back here until then. I don't have a Yahoo account but I could create one. That might be better because my email address has my entire name in it. Not sure I feel comfortable with that at this point if you know what I mean. Again thank you and I will be back on Thursday to follow up..Goodnight.

Standing Together if your husband is still willing to exchange some emails with me he can contact me at seeking@starband.net

Thank you again for your concern and great advice.

I just added your e-mail address to our contacts. You can erase it if you wish if you don't want it out there publicly. I'll have him put his name in the subject so you know it's him. His screen name from MB is lost_boyz . It'll probably be a little while though b/c his mom is in the hospital right now so he's been taking his time up w/those concerns. How was it when you came back from your business trip?

Thank you so much. No hurry. I'll watch for an email from him. It was confusing coming back from my trip. I so want to make it work with my wife but I so love the OW. She really is a wonderful person inspite of what she is doing. Anyway I need to go right now but I will be back. Thank you again.......

That's usually how it works. I know my H was like that. Most of the WS's out there are like that. They have a goodness inside of them but b/c of bad choices, they end up in a terrible situation that they can't seem to get out of. The problem isn't the bad choices we make, it's the refusal to turn things around that matters. That's what decides our character. Everyone makes bad choices in one way or another. It's just what we do AFTER that matters. Are we going to continue making bad choices or are we going to put a stop to it & decide to do the right thing no matter how painful for ourselves? Most people don't want to experience the pain so they sit back in comfort w/the bad choices that they've made & in essence, lie in the bed they made for themselves, refusing to do the work necessary to repair the damage.

I don't foresee that in you. I see a lot of hesitance, but I think that once you start the steps necessary, you will find yourself pleased w/the progress you're making & will ultimately be happy w/your decision to work on your M & then this OW will be a faint memory for you. This situation does not need to define who you are. It is just one of the bad choices that you have made in life & you have the power to put a stop to it. You have the power to put a stop to the hurt, the lies, the betrayal.

What the OW does w/her M is her & her H's decision. What you choose to do at this point is up to you. As painful as it is, you know what you must do. Crack through that hesitation & sit down & write that NC letter. Post it here & we can give you feedback.

Don't let your bad choices define who you are & who you can become.

Hi seeking, i just firsted noticed your thread today. I have read the entire thing. i wanted to add my support. if you have been lurking a year, you might know my story, confessing is a really hard thing to do!!! hard for me to say much more than that right now. i remember being in your shoes, the days right before confessing. it was not a good place to be.

StandingTogether, I love your signature quote "Nothing is impossible with God" i can't begin to count how many times i said that to myself over the past year or so.