First of all I want to say "AMEN!!!" to Hurt5-04 post about being tired of getting up and having to choose to be the bigger person. That's exactly how I feel. H and I took our family (3 kids) to DisneyWorld last week and for 9 days had absoutely NC with OW and OC. It was heaven! As I posted previously (about 3 weeks ago), H and I went to see OC at OW apartment and I felt like I had climbed Mt. Everest! I was so hopeful and felt like C would work out. However, the continued contact (H calls with me where I can hear too) with OW to see how OC is doing, work our legal details, etc. has been more than I can take. It is unbearable to hear OW and H on phone -- even though the conversation is business. It causes my mind to wander and imagine what their A converations must have been like. I have expressed to my H that I am not so sure about C anymore -- that maybe we need to walk away. Like Hurt, I am tired of getting up each day and making myself choose to overcome it. H made this mess -- why shouldn't he be the one to get up each day and have to overcome his feelings of not having C with his son instead?
H has listened with understanding to all my concerns and feelings but is honest is saying he can't come to a decision of whether NC is something he can really do even though at this point he admittly feels no bond with OC.

Blah, Blah, Blah .... let me get to my point of this post:

I am trying to find out if anyone knows of research available that I can read about the effects of a child having no contact with their biological father and/or the effects of adding a half sibling to our family could have on our 3 kids ( ages 3,6,8) or them finding out later in life about him. I am desperate to find some facts to help us make our choice. Earlier I really thought C was the answer but now I don't know. In our situation OC is a few weeks old and does not stay consistently in the same home -- OW takes him from her place to boyfriend's house to her parent's house to spend nights. Is it really fair to OC to also add to his list of "homes" our house as well. His mom is the only thing consistent in his world -- what happens if he's with us and not her for a day or two? Is is too much? What about my kids -- if we choose NC are they going to grow up and feel lied to? I feel like at their ages unless something is a reality to them (OC is coming for visits) there is no point in creating a fanatsy by telling them they have a half brother. But at what point would we tell them so they would not feel their lives had been a lie?

Lots of questions to ponder -- Help appreciated!

Hi, TTMIW-

May God bless you with the peace that surpasses all understanding. I hope you, through Him, can do what you never thought possible.

I must say that I'm proud of you for trying to accept the OC. Without knowing more about it, here's my take: I think you know the answer to a father having NC with his own child. Many kids grow up fine w/o dads around, but it's not the optimal decision, especially if the F is healthy, able-bodied and physically able to be there.

Would NC with OC be better for you and your H? That might be true. But it doesn't sound like the OC has much stability around. Why leave him totally to the devices of the OW, who seems flaky at best? It's a TOUGH spot to be in. There are no easy answers or pat solutions. But, say years from now OC turns out badly (drugs, crime, alcohol, etc.), would you really feel better? So often these things can be traced to an unstable home environment.

It also worries me that your H "feels no bond with OC." That is sad. Hasn't everyone suffered enough because your H and the OW put their feelings before doing what's right? In this case, owning up to the situation he's made seems to be right. I mean, he did make him. Why should your H resent the OC? That's putting the blame in the wrong place.

I can see if YOU resented the OC. But you didn't create the first mess. Please don't create another one.

You're in my prayers.

Too

I here ya TTMIW,

I don't have any research for ya, but our DDay is getting closer and OC will be here soon. We also have 3 children together and I initially (and still do most of the time) thought, Well, it's not the baby's fault, why should she'he have to suffer. (And then my emotional side says...). Because her'his mother and father acted like idiots!!! Why should I have to suffer!!!! On my bad days I feel like the only person here who makes a sacrifice or loses is me. My children gain a sibling, the OW gains a father for baby and a check in the mail each month, my H gains another daughter and I gain....what????? And I didn't even cause this?!?!?!?

I am aware though that these are my emotions (imagine where I'll be when the baby is actually here!!!) talking, not logic. When I found out about A, I wanted a D, no ifs and or buts. For 3 weeks I wanted nothing else, was looking forward to it (well, not really), just knew there was no other way. Then, as emotions began to subside some (about 3 weeks afetr Dday) I began to see another way, I saw my H genuine remorse and effort and thought, hmmm, maybe we CAN do this???

So, I'm going to go ahead and move forward with idea of C w/OC. I'm looking at this as a step-family scenario. I'm sure I will be on here venting my $## off after OC is born for a while, but hope that as my emotions subside again and I again see how much H loves our family and does not put OW/OC before us, I will again calm down and POSSIBLY EVEN enjoy having another girl in our home. Good Luck!! I hope you find your way!!!! HUGS!!!

There is a website called "The Other Child". It has posts from children (mostly adults) that were children of affairs. Some had contact and some did not. It might help you to read through them.

Thanks for the replies -- I checked out otherchild.com and there is alot of insight.

One thing I did want to clarify from TooInvolved's post:
When I said me husband has no bond with OC right now -- what I meant was just because the DNA matches doesn't cause he to feel like he does towards my children. He cares for his son (OC) but has only been with him for an hour and a half or so . They haven't had any time to form a bond. It takes more than sperm to be a daddy to a child. I just think if we are going to choose NC it would be better now before a bond has been made. And I don't think it is sad at all that H doesn't feel that bond now -- I think the situation sets a stage for that.

Also you said I shouldn't create another mess -- well, that is exactly what I am trying not to do. And for me NC may be the path that keeps a mess from being made.

Thanks again for all the input.

I really hope it all works out for everyone involved...Here when you need us...

Too

I did extensive research on this topic for a paper, and to be frank the results are quite grim, especially when the child is a boy.

Of course, certain socio-ecomnomic factors certainly come into play, but here are a couple of links with stats.

http://www.menweb.org/throop/nofather/effects.html
http://www.fathers.com/research/consequences.html
http://www.massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/econ/nodad.htm

Those are just a few.

Hope to have given you the info you needed!

Trying~

Any chance OW's BF might become her H? It would be the best news ever if he's a great guy, they get M, and he adopts.

Just as matching DNA does NOT necessarily make a 'daddy', the lack of matching DNA doesn't have to stop someone from being a 'daddy' either.

Even if all of that is wishful thinking, I agree~~if you think there's a chance you might go NC in the long run, it's best to do it now before a bond is formed.

Besides all that, it's best to work on your M first before any major decisions regarding C or NC are made. Get your M on a strong footing first, then decide which way to go. While you're working on recovery of your M it's best to have NC w/ OC.

The baby doesn't know the difference now.

Wishing you well.

~ad

PS. You're right too--this situation sets the stage for so many things not found when a baby is conceived by a couple M to EACH OTHER. If a child ends up "fatherless", that is just one of the fallouts when the stage is set by people involved in an A. It's sad, it's unfourtunate, and it's not fair, but that's the chance the two cheaters take. It is theirs to own.

My Cousin Lori was born from an affair her mother (MY Aunt) had an affair with her boss. His wife said it is me & our 2 kids or you , the OW, & her baby. So, he chooses his family, signed papers terminating his parental rights, and they moved to a different state. Lori has struggled all of her life with the fact that her Father refused to have anything to do with her. Lori as we speak is in a treatment center for anorexia, has had what seems to be a nervous breakdown, and struggles with sever depression. She blaims it on the rejection and loss of her father. He has passed away. She never saw him. She spoke to him on the phone three times, both times he tolde her he could not have anything to do with her and to please stop trying to contact him. Since his death she has tried contacting her to half sisters they want nothing to do with her. It is just one example and eveerybodies can be different, but for her personnaly it has been devastating.

[color:"purple"]You will find a gazillion opinions on this.

Is it the best thing for a child to grow up in a single parent home? Of course not. But it happens all the time. IT's NOT ideal but it happens.

IF you & your family were to have regular C w/ OC---it would NOT be ideal. OC would be going back & forth, would NOT have BOTH parents in her home EVER & would be going back & forth on a regular basis. IS THAT ideal? NO.

THE thing to remember, as a BW IS that YOU cannot fix everything. This is an UGLY situation & you make the best decisions based on the information that you have.

TIred of being the bigger person? Oh I have TOTALLY been there. Some days I am STILL there! LOL But being the 'responsible' one does NOT require you to sacrifice your own children's stability by endangering your own marriage & thier family.

I'm sorry because I know this is NOT an easy choice to make. Yet it is thrust upon US----when we never created it to begin with.

IT is OW & H mess to FIX. Part of that might include going our separate ways & trying to pick up what pieces are left in our lives---for EACH of us. There are consequences ALL around.

YOU'VE got your children to protect & OW will now have hers.

Forget about what EVERYONE else thinks & think for yourself.

Decide what is in the BEST interest of YOUR family & your kids. YOU can't make a wrong choice. Either decision can be good or bad. Both have consequences & we ALL have to live w/ them.

H & OW took a risk here & they will both have to live w/ how that risk plays out in each life that is affected by their choices.

Take a deep breath, think rational & deeply. What is in the best interest of YOUR children, YOUR marraige & YOUR family? THat will lead you to the best choice for your family. It will NEVER be fair to everyone involved---you must accept that.

NO, in this situation we CANNOT have it 'all'. Either choice may be painful or joyous, either choice has pros & cons, both choices are livable & doable. IT really depends, IMO, on whether or not you can stay focused on WHY you made the choice & came to the conclusion you did because when it gets hard, it is easy to doubt & play the 'what if' game.

Like my sig line says......some situations can NOT be fixed!

sincerely,
kt[/color:purple]

Hi, TTMIW-

I just read a post by Dealande (sp?) AKA Kimmy. Her sig says, "3 years of misery but worth it," or something like that. Then she lists her DD and OC. I guess her H had OC form an A. But it all worked out. I don't think she's posted here. But maybe you could find her and ask her how she dealt with it. Perhaps she just hasn't seen this thread.

Best,

Too