I recently found out my husband payed a fee to a "adultfriendfinder" site. When i confronted him he told me it was all for fun that he heard it on Howard stern and he wanted to check it out. Well after i confronted him he said it did not mean anything to him and he would not do it anymore. Well needless to say i found out he is still going. I knew he was still going to the site and it was confirmed this weekend but he does not know i know. This is a site where you can rate woman and send them winks. Well he has sent some woman winks and there is about 10 woman in his email that have sent him winks. Which is just a form of saying i am intrested. So he lied to me. I am going nuts over this and don't know what to do. I never thought he would lie to me and he did. Just looking for a little advice. My girlfriend gave me this site for this kinda of stuff. I am looking forward to all advice. please give me what ya got.

Well you have a couple of issues on your hands, that's for sure. This definitely qualifies as infidelity, even if he hasn't yet met any of these women. Heck, it's infidelity even if he never meets them. And the fact that he is lying and being deceitful about it makes it even worse.

It's hard to give good advice when you don't know the whole story, but based on what you've written, my advice would be to put together a plan to save your marriage.

If you could give us some more info, like how long you've been married? What kind of issues do you face? How have you faced them so far? I certainly do not condone behaviour like that of your H, so don't take this question the wrong way, but what do you think is going on in his head that would make him want to do something like this. I doubt it's Howard Stern.

I'm sorry that you had to find yourself here. None of us is glad to be here, but we are all grateful that we can be. Welcome.

dewt

We have been married 11 years been together 14 years. We have had our problems in the past but always got threw them. we split up about 8 years ago because he was unfaithful. Since then i have put total trust back into him until now. what bothers me the most is he is sending winks to these girls and lieing to me about being on the site. I don't feel as though i should have to snoop but its like the only way i can find out things, cause i don't trust him anymore. i read his profile on this site let me tell you i was baffled.. My heart dropped. It was like anther side of him i never ever knew. He first joined last month. Found the bill on our credit card. Had a discussion about it on march 28th. he said he would not go on anymore but he is. I have a program on my computer that tells me. Just feel i should not have to snoop. He goes on the site on the weekends and will even go to the trouble of erasing history so i don't find out. he goes to his site. then erases history and puts the previous sites back in so i don't know. well i do know. What bothers me the most is he sends these girls winks. Not sure if you have ever been to these websites but it is porn and a swingers site. i can see him getting winks but him sending them.. just don't get it.

Well, I certainly don't blame you for being upset. This behaviour is not faithful or in anyway shape or form helpful towards building a happy marriage.

And sadly, snooping seems neccessary. And you shouldn't have to snoop. But more than that, you deserve the truth, and since he won't just give it to you, you have little choice but to snoop.

I'm a big advocate of exposure. You busted him, let him know asap. Take the time to decide what you ultimately want and then formulate a plan to move in that direction.

Don't let your hurt push you into reacting and making a decision you will later regret. (either way) Take the time to decide what you want to do... and how you want to handle it.

My advice, first and foremost, is to become familiar with the Harley concepts, particularily Plan A.

And the then tell him you know. Lay the proof out in front of him. Avoid letting him know how you found it, but don't make it a big deal, cause he'd probably figure it out anyway.

Then he's gonna know he's busted and he's probably gonna react, want to talk, backpedal, explain how "It's not that bad," I dunno... you know him better than I do.

My advice would be to tell him that you really need to take some time to think about this. A few days, maybe where you cut him off from your thoughts and processes.

I really don't know your dynamics. I'm just puttimg myself in your husbands shoes and imaginine what would bring me back to reality and get me with the program the fastest. You don't know me, and I don't know your H, so you gotta take all this for what it's worth. Just my humble ideas.

dewt

Brighteyes - The ONLY reason for anyone to register at adultfriendfinder.com (popularly known as "adultf*ckfinder.com") is to find partners for casual sex. Period. Nobody signs up there "out of curiosity." They pay money there to hook up with other people for sex.

If your husband has posted a profile on that site, you have a major problem on your hands. You should assume that he's having sex with strangers and protect yourself accordingly.

I would also strongly advise putting a keylogger on the computer so you can see exactly what he is sending to the women he meets through that site.

Good luck. I am sorry this has happened to you. Please, please do protect yourself.
Mulan

Hi Guys,
Here is an update of what happened yesterday. I have been feeling very depressed and distant from him and he asked me yesterday what was the matter cause i would not talk to him or look at him. (by the way i did find most of this out becuase i did put a keylogger onto my computer) I told him i was feeling insecure and he said why and i told him because of what was going on and he tried reassured me that he loves only me,adn that i am beautiful and would never cheat, and wants to be with me. This is the biggie thing though he said to me " I have not been on the site since you found out" well right here..Red Flag! Hello. i knew he lied to me because i have the keylogger on. I have his password and log in name and everything and saw his profile and saw who he sent winks to and who has sent him winks. I almost lost it but i stayed cool. I do know noone has sent him emails or he has not sent any emails to others but he lied.. Just for proof for when i am ready i think it is a good idea for me to print everything out so i have the proof. dont ya think. He has not sent anyone winks since i found out but the winks to him are still coming in. He told me he was gonna cancel his membership and hasn't. Just so confused. the big question. "WHY". I really appriciate all the advice you guys give. This has really helped me alot to be able to talk about this on here. really really helped and i thankyou all who gives me some advice.

Kelly,
Glad you hopped over here to GQII.

Personally I think that his use of this website and subsequent lying about not using it anymore, not canceling his account tells me he is addicted.

Listen to dewt. Become familiar with Plan A, present him with your proof. You have every right to snoop. You need to protect yourself. Lay down your boundaries. No LBs, AOs or DJs.

Order Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.
Read all you can on affairs, porn addiction, etc.

And like Mulan said, I would be very careful with SF since you are not sure if there have been any physical encounters. Better safe than sorry when it comes to that.

Frags

I agree w/ Frags (what else is new?!) It sounds like you have a sex-adict on your hands!

My H (last time around this A thing) had been using alot of internet porn, had gone to TS "meeting" sites and had even registered a personal ad with Yahoo! You should have seen how it read after I hacked into it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I am so sorry you are having this trouble, but you are in the right place. Many of our H's here suffer with addictions to porn and sex... it is all so pervasive and imprints on them at such a young age, their views of sexuality become so skewed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thats funny TNT. Glad i am not the only one out there that "HAS" to hack into there computer. I am waiting till this weekend since we already had another talk last night and he lied to me. i will check the key logger this weekend and if i find out he was on it again.. well you probably already know.. I have given him an oppurtunity to to tell the truth and stay off so if he goes back on.. he is gonna be sorry,. yeh the keylogger love it. get passwords and everything. its the greatest.

I guess it was his profile that set me off the most then that he lied to me. just another whole side of him. you think you know someone and you don't. Guess you have to deal with what life hands you.

Another update for you guys. I would like to first say thanks for your replies on my post.

I think i have decided to leave him. After knowing he lied to my face about not going to the site anymore i give him the benefit of the doubt again and it blows up in my face. I checked the keylogger last night and he must have gotten done at work early and was on the site again. He was even trying to get into my email. For what i have done nothing to make him think anything. I just can't take it. I am trying to put on a happy face just for the kids but this weekend when he is not home i am just gonna grab some things and leave. If he thinks this little of me and so hightly of this site then ya know what to me it just does not seem worth the aggravation anymore. I have given him the chances to come clean and he lied. Go ahead and tell me if i am wrong. Maybe i am just very very angry right now. Have a good day all.

Brighteyes,

Please don't make a decision based on the lies and this adult website, make sure this is what you really want to do. My WH also cheated on me 19 years ago and then again from '02-'04. I, too, totally put my trust back into my husband and into my marriage, which wasn't earned and deserved. I know what it is like to find out it was misplaced. However, I also know that I never looked into building our marriage, improving it, filling his EN's, until now. I don't know if this will ultimate save my marriage but I do know that I want to try. I, and I feel right now it is unfortunately, still love him. I many times wish I didn't. I also love our 3 sons very much and am trying to keep our family together and not further hurt them.

I, too, have spyware and watch what my husband does. I found out through my husband about the website you mention. He told me "you wouldn't believe the amount of people registered on this site that live around us, (in NJ at the time for me and Ohio for him). He claims to have only gone on it because a friend of his told him about it(who is also a cheater and married several times). His other excuse is that he wondered if anyone one was registered that he would recognize. He never had a membership, just the trial one. After I suspected he never had NC with the OW as promised, but that it was ongoing with the OW, I bought the spyware and found out his password for the adult site. He also had a "secret" e-mail set up (for his OW) and there were periodic e-mails sent from the website. After D-day #2 I told him I was concerned that he would substitute his addiction with the OW with porn. I found out that sometimes he stayed late at work (after another friend stopped in and they drank a few beers) and he then went on to that website. I told him I thought he might use porn because it was "safer". After we spoke, he never again went to the website, at least on the two computers we own. (We own a business therefore there isn't another computer that he uses that I don't have the spyware on.)

I still feel he needs to find out why he does the porn and the A's, I don't feel it is all my not meeting his EN's. He stopped his IC, which I don't even know if this was helping as I don't know if he was honest with his IC. That being said, I still can't walk away. Not because I'm financially dependant, I'm the one who supports the family financially. I only know that I have to give it my all before I walk away.

Think carefully about your next steps, the lies are part of the addiction and shouldn't be used as the reason for leaving your M.

Nabohio,,

I am trying to deal with this the best i can and it just is not working. we have talked 2 times, since i have found out. I feel like a loser for having to snoop i am not that kinda person. I truly believe everyone need privacy but he has over stepped the boundries. I do love him. very much. He is sending winks to girls. How do you explain that. Says he is happy at home but apparently not. I am just not gonna compete with some internet site. I am much better than that. I deserve better. I am not doing this to him so why should he do it to me. What is it with men that porn is so addictive. Am i not good enough anymore? I am sorry to hear you have gone threw the same things but I dont forsee him (my H) changeing. He is not on a trial he paid the price of 36 bucks . he is a silver member. I have also found out he has been on this site since Jan. I thought it was just recent but it isn't. I am sorry if i sound angry it is not towards anyone on here. I am just upset in general. To me this is the same as cheating. And that is untolerable.

Hey, sorry to hear the he's still at it.

I still think you should take a week at your mom's to think this over.

I think he could use some time for a good think about things too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

dewt

I think that is what i am gonna do. He needs to come to terms with this and relize i am not playing. I hope this works. If not. Then i am not sure what is gonna happen.. Guess time will tell if it is meant to be.

BrightEyes,

Have you read any of the material on this website, or any of the books? It would be a good start to understanding everything. I completely understand the feeling of betrayel and wanting to get away. However, have you confronted him with the knowledge that you know he is lying? You don't even have to go into details about how you know, just start quoting some of the things you saw, tell him he can no longer lie about it and that you know the truth. It would have been better to come from him, but I haven't gotten anything of that nature out of my WH, I always had outside sources, such as the e-mails, test messages, phone records. My WH hasn't admitted to anything beyond what I can prove.

I still think that time away probably won't help, unless he knows that you know the specifics and you know that he is currently lying to you. I think you owe it to yourself to take this slow, and your family. Porn is an addiction, so is having A's and other destructive behavior. It is difficult to think of the other person's welfare when they are the ones hurting you, but it sounds as though your husband has some issues and probably some emotional needs that are going unmet. Maybe you can try to find out what they are after you calm down a little bit. Do you have an individual counselor (IC)? If not, have you considered this?

Hang in there, you are strong and you're in the right place for support!

I am going to lay the truth out in front of him this weekend. I still at this moment don't want to be with someone who lies to me. I truly feel i need some time alone and calm down a bit before i get into it with him. He already knows he is wrong just for continueing to go to the site and lie about it to me. I almost feel sorry for him. I just don't like feeling this way. I am sure noone does and everyone handles things differently i just hope i am handleing it a way that my bettert he situation.

One of the things I have learned is that speaking calmly to my H has been productive and I have learned some insights from him. Before I started learning about A's, I would cry, acuse, yell, all of which netted me more lies.

I started learning from the website DearPeggy.com. You might want to go there and read some of the info, I am pretty sure it has info on internet/porn addiction. I also went to the website Beyond the Affair, this has also been helpful. The most helpful website to me is this one as I have found support, even just by reading other's posts and "lurking". I am still in IC and I have made my first session with Steve Harley tomorrow. Actually, just thinking about that website and reading your story about the hurt involving the adult website and the lies brought the same pain issues up to me as well. I realized that I am doing my classic avoidance of the problems and need to step up working through them. So, you have actually helped me, thanks!

A little time away and space shouldn't hurt your situation, and if you feel this is what you need, go for it. I just thought that leaving without really shaking your H's world up with the truth wasn't going to net you what you want, which sounds like it is honesty from him.

Nabohio,

We have talked and he has moved out for a couple of days.I printed out everything and left him a letter on the counter. I would have died to see his face when he found out that i knew everything. He over and over told me how much he loved me and would do nothing to hurt our marriage and i told him well he did. He has from what he said deleted his account at adultfriendfinder. Guess time will tell. I truely believe he does love the kids and I, I just don't think he relizes how much he hurt me. He told me that i was the most important thing to him besides the kids and that he did not want to lose me. I tried explianing to him that i am having a hard time trusting him and it is going to be hard and he totally understood. I also told him i did not enjoy snooping on him but he left me no choice. I do believe ppl need some privacy but he broke that trust when he went to this site. Maybe this is the right direction. I hope so. maybe it was enough for him to wake up and know that i am not messing around. i am not gonna take second best or be made a fool of while he thinks he can have a little fun behind my back.
i am sorry this has stirred up feeling for you. I truely hope it did help. If there is anything i can do to help let me know. If you ever want to talk let me know. I really don't want to give out my email on here and i am not sure how to send a private message as that i am new to the board. I hope everything works out for you. and again .. ever want to talk let me know.. good luck to you.

Hey Brighteyes,

How are things going? I got a little distracted with this site, being logged off a lot, but I just started coming back and trying to catch up.

Let me know how things are going...I don't know how to do a private message either...

Nancy