Well, my H has gone back to his moms again. I busted my butt trying to show him I could cope with the A (after he said his only apprehension was whether I could ever get over it). I tried to show him how I could change and I could help him to be happy again and how I could make our marriage strong again, and.....Wait its all me, he may have come back, but still very little affection on H part, grumpy all the time, tells me he feels he is in a depression and doesnt know why he feels so angry all the time (like I am not). Mind you, HE cheated on ME, we have been together for 16 yrs, have 3 kids and I have always given him whatever he needs. Now I am doing all this repairing because I would rather live with him and build this marriage again than to be alone. But he still keeps me at a distance and says he doesnt know whats wrong with him and he needs to go to his moms a while, like I cant help him, being alone is what he needs. Well I have kept my mouth shut pretty good lately, with the LORDs help, but still no sign things will get right. Hasnt been long I know but every deep conversation we get into, he declares his love for me, says he wont leave, says its got nothing to do with the OW, sooooo whats wrong? He is lashing out in anger at strangers, kids, coworkers. He wont go to a counselor. He wont let me help, just leaves when he has a problem. I blew up last night when he said he was leaving again and kinda told him alot of the things that have been burning in me. Like I was feeling like I was the one who owed him an apology and I had to fix all the problems, and I dont feel he is making ANY efforts. All he says it he is and cant believe I dont see it. (Well maybe I am confused but if you mess up, dont you try and show your love in some way or another?) Not him, I even bought him an apology card for my part in whatever let the relationship get so bad he went elsewhere. I told him last night that he was selfish, and he has never put my feelings first, that the A was about his needs, the fact he told me was to make him feel better, that now he is leaving because it is what he wants too and no thought to me or the kids emotions or happiness comes into play in his life. I have told him that this back and forth stuff is only hurting my love for him. It actually grew stronger in the beginning and I have really put a lot of thought into making things right and can accept the A even, but him not loving me is the one thing that hurts too bad and may cause a hole to deep to repair.
Well, whatever happens I know GOD is working with me to keep me strong, I have a peace, I get sad and frustrated sometimes, but I usually pray for H because I dont understand whats going on at all. Why cant he just say I love you lets move on and follow through, instead of holding onto whatever is hurting him and making him so angry.
I am ready to move to plan B but I feel it is so soon. However since this is the longest week and a half of my whole life, I would like someone who may have gone through this and can be an outside witness to tell me what u think. Is it too soon for plan B. I dont know if OW is totally out of his life, he told me he tried to call her the first time he went to his moms and she declined telling him she promised me she wouldnt till we had time to work it out. He tells me she is not the problem he is having, tells me he doesnt want a Divorce, yet tells me he has great feelings of depression and anger. Now he has left the house again and myself and the kids do not need this emotional rolller coaster, but I dont want to give him that open door to say, SHE kicked me out, SHE gave up, because I dont want that, I just want the LOVE back. Thanks for listening you guys here are great. GOD BLESS

What have you found to be a productive way to help the healing start. He says he is no longer IC with OW. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. So now, how do we move on. How can we work on our marriage to make it wonderful again? The first night back was wonderful, loving everything I want on a daily basis. Now a couple of days later, no angry outbursts. I had an issue when some details came out about OW. I knew the question I was asking would lead to her, but I couldnt stop myself, this is what he meant when he said I wouldnt let it go. That I would bring up the bad times, every occassion and that drove him away. This is a big weakness for me and I need to fix this for sure. I still feel he loves me but is not IN LOVE with me. He surely doesnt seem sexually attracted to me. I do have a weight issue, but like I have mentioned, he never had a problem with that before. I have started going to the tanning salon, and have lost 20 lbs, still wont ever be as thin as the OW. These are not just for him, these are improvements for myself, to feel better about myself and give me the ability to have a better self esteem.
I just want him to reach out and hold my hand when we are near each other, this would be a start. I feel like i reach for him, i say i love you first. I am very critical of these issues I know. I am a hopeless romantic, I want the love you see in movies, and I saw that love when he came home, why does it seem to fizzle away unless the thought of losing me is there.
I so dont want to make a mistake again and push him away, back to OW. Any suggestions to control my big mouth and boost his love for me again would be appreciated. Thank you all so much. GOD BLESS

Hi - You must QUICKLY change to the Recovery Forum or at least general questions. Your relationship with your husband seems very promising to me. There is not enough traffic on this forum to help you.

Please remember, Recovery is the most difficult of all. Get some good input right away.

Hugs to you from California.

Sounds to me that there is a balance problem in your marriage. If you want him to do more, then you need to do less and let him earn YOUR love. Let him see that you are perfectly happy with the way things are and move on with your life. He should start to get curious and come around more. He does nothing because you, like me, enable him to be that way by always being the "fixer". Stop fixing and start taking care of yourself and your kids. He certainly isn't. If you don't (and he certainly isn't), who else will? This is not easy because it goes against our nature. But it is absolutely necessary. Take care of yourself and those children. They need YOU.