True, I've been to a couple of weddings since D-day. You can get through it. I've disconnected a bit emotionally to keep me from feeling so hurt. I've actually enjoyed myself. Have fun Holiday. I will be home ALL DAY tomorrow waiting for furniture to be delivered. If anyone wants to talk, I'll be here!

Night!
2

Funny this post is going to completely contradict the last post. I'm throwing a wedding shower for my best friend tomorrow and as I've prepared everything today, games, cake, etc. I feel so sad for her.

She is my best friend and I just want to say DON'T DO IT! You are setting yourself up for the BIGGEST heartbreak of your life! You don't know what heartbreak is until you marry, trust with all your heart and have it broken. I realize he may not cheat (God willing), but it is always something. Maybe he'll have an addiction, maybe he'll lie about finance, maybe he'll be mean. I just feel like everyone is doomed.

I'm trying to figure out how I will go through the day seeming so happy for her when all I really feel is terrified for her. I hope I don't break down and cry.

2

Sorry to hear this 2.

Life is about life and everything that goes with it. Without all the bad we can never see how good things are.

I wish we could all be in a big bubble protected from hurt, but God didn't make the world that way. We each must take our chances.

Hope you are feeling better.

Hi ladies( I say this b/c Rocked doesn't seem to be here any longer)!

Had a good weekend with family. It is always nice to see them, but often it brings sad feelings too. My extended family does not know of my H's infidelity, and they really think he is a great guy...it is sometimes rough to hear them joking with him about other women or some other things when I am sitting there thinking...HE CHEATED ON ME!!!!

Then at the end of the time there, we were joking with my little bro( who is 16) and whose g/f is on vacation right now...my H said something like yeah, she is probably out partying all day, and then when she calls you she says "oh, I miss you sooo much. I wish you were here." We all stopped laughing and everything became so tense. The sad thing was he didn't understand how that was a bad comment to make. And I think from anyone else, it would have been just taken as a joke...but from him, it was a reminder of what he did to me, and how he felt it was something to joke about( I must admit that we joked about my SIL's hubby having an affair at Thanksgiving...when it was MY H doing that... I even told his mom on that same day, that he had all the signs of a cheating spouse...what a fool I was).

2,
I hope the party went well. I know what you mean about saying "Don't DO it". But, not everybody has a spouse that cheats...look at our spouses! They had/have wonderful spouses that were/are devoted to them and loved them deeply enough to forgive them the most horrible betrayal.

Holiday,
Hope all is well in your neck of the woods. How was your trip? I hope it was fun


TTYL!!

True

Hey everyone,

The shower was great! It was so nice to see her happy. It made me remember how wonderful it feels to be in love and totally trust and believe in someone. I'm sure like everyone who marries, she'll find out she is disillusioned about marriage, and maybe even her husband. But to see someone so happy and in that blissful love (especially my best friend) was really very nice.

I can't help but wonder if that is what my H felt. Looking at my girlfriend with that "he can't do anything wrong in my eyes" look, I kept wondering if that is how he looked at her. I wonder if the thought of her made him smile. It makes me so sad.

As always, I anticipated his return, but once he got home, nothing. That happens every time. I might bring it up in MC tomorrow. I miss him and am excited to see him, but when he walks in the door, it is like the biggest let down ever. I don't know. I guess with each time away, I hope I'll have this super happy "in love" feeling when he returns. I don't. And it leaves me feeling like we are just roommates and that is all we will ever be.

Anyway, tomorrow we wrap up the discussion about why he didn't bring her up in his meeting with BD. I'll let you know.

2

It is interesting that you said you felt that way at your friend's shower. I felt that way when DogMom met her new man...I saw her falling in love, and said, this is what my H was like. It was very rough for me to talk to her during that time, although I was happy for her at the same time.

I hope you get passed the "roommates" feeling. I have felt like that...even before the A...if you want it, it will come as long as you both are working at it. Remember..that "in love" feeling is nice to have, but it is not true love...it is just the beginning of it.

Let us know about MC...I am curious.

Take care!

True

Hi Guys,

This weekend some events occured that makes me understand more that we really, really have no control over others, especially outsiders (OW/OM). I witnessed a bus full of dating couples and singles and married couples partying. Add alcohol and oh my.

It amazed me especially with one peticular woman. She was married and she and her H were on the tour with us. (The wine tasting event provided a bus and driver, part of the wedding events over the weekend.) They weren't part of our immediate group of friends but, everyone was very friendly.

She began drinking from the time the bus ride started and stopped. She was about my age (had 3 young children back at the hotel). She kept coming down to our end of the bus and placing her very short shorts in the men's faces (to put this mildly). To paint a picture...these were firemen with their significant others or wives and they were drinking and trying very hard to control themselves (facial expressions etc). She exclaimed her H "keeps her on a tight lease". Her H didn't drink and had an extremely upset face the whole time. She wanted to sit next to my H the most (how lucky was I????).

I was so hurt by her actions I could scream. I just sat their and watched her work her drunken magic. My H kept looking at me and telling me how much he "loved" me. He said it over and over and over and over throughout the whole afternoon. He was concerned I think by the looks on my face.

Another single woman on the bus started getting too friendly with a fireman who's wife was pregnant and didn't wish to attend the wine tasting event. I was told by another fireman's wife (who was very upset by this) that they knew each other from the fire dept and the woman might be a "home wrecker". Yikes!!! All this in one simple afternoon???

It was most uncomfortable. All my feelings of what my relationship with my H has gone through keep revolving in my head. I even had thoughts that afternoon of leaving him. I figured, there is no protection, no safety net, no security, an A can happen anywhere, anytime, and with anyone. And just add the alcohol and whala! I was so unhappy.

I am reading the book NOT "Just Friends". Very insightful. Funny how the book was in my mailbox just yesterday morning after returning home from our trip.

My H did make up for his Friday drinking by only having a soda or two for the rest of the weekend. He was very attentive and continually worked at making me feel safe. I just don't know if I will ever feel safe.

2, Let us know how MC goes.

His 20 year old male cousin is here this week. Nice kid. But I don't know if it is because he is here, or if we've hit that point, but I don't feel like my H is trying anymore. Now I will admit, I am nice and no longer bring it up or get upset. I'm respectful and don't call him names. I am friendly and enjoy his company, but that is what I do most of the time. I'm not too romantic, but never was. I have done a few "romantic things like last Sunday night. I came home from a church meeting and was feeling great. I brought up a couple of glasses and a bottle of wine and we sat on our outside balcony and talked and drank...it was lovely. Plus you might remember the weekend I went away and left a rose on his side of the bed.

Anyway my point is, my H buys me lots of stuff...always has. He showers me with gifts and continued to do so during his A (about 3 weeks before d-day he sent me six bra and pantie sets from Victoria Secret?!) But aside from that, he doesn't do anything that creates sparks or romantic feelings. Buying me something doesn't turn me on. He too is nice, will fetch me something from downstairs if I need it, but that is it. He doesn't light candles, rub my back or cuddle next to me on the couch. He is my roommate. And although I've felt this way for a long time, only this week do I feel like he is shutting down.

2 nights ago he woke up at 4am. I asked him what was up? He said "obviously somethings wrong, I feel you pulling away!" I was like "What?!" I've been very consistant in my behavior. He seemed frustrated that I turned away when he went to cuddle me in bed. I told him (this is the truth) that 1) it was hot and 2) my back was killing me (all the time lately) and I wasn't comfortable like that. Then he said he couldn't sleep (a lot on him mind) and went downstairs. During his A he was always up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep (that's true, phone records never revealed him talking to her at those hours). So 2 nights in a row he's been up unable to sleep.

I think he's frustrated because we haven't had sex since he got home. But I don't really feel like it and if he does, then he's going to have to put me in the mood. He told me right after d-day in MC "I'm a good looking guy. I stay in great shape. Why don't you want to have sex with me more?" And I said "What makes you think that?! When have I EVER turned you down?" He was expecting me to come on to him all the time like his groupie. I'm not doing that...especially if I'm not in the mood.

Anyway, last night after dinner with his cousin, we barely spoke. We sat in the same room for half hour and didn't say anything but good-night. I have nothing to say. I guess he doesn't either. So now what?
2

He wants you to come on to him to make him feel you are interested in him. He wants "your" attention.
2, try to bend on this subject. Don't wait for the "perfect" moment...it won't happen. Push for the feelings.
holiday

OK...her comes counselor True...hee hee.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages 2? My H and I thought it was stupid in some respects b/c we both feel like everybody has all 5 love languages all the time, it just depends on the sitch ...at least for us...but yours is the classic example...You guys are speaking the love language that would make YOU feel nice....but not what the other one wants! If he buys you gifts all the time....guess what??? That is what HE wants you to do for him! If you want romance...For GOODNESS SAKE...TELL HIM!!!! We all think our spouses should know by now...but they never really get it unless we specifically tell them. Buy him something really nice that he would love, wrap it nicely...make a big presentation of it...then, sit down and talk to him about something you would love for him to do!!! My H loves for me to tell him what to do to get me going....Men in general seem to want that!!! SO, speak up! Give him a fantasy that you would love him to act out...I finally got one of mine after the A...it took that for him to listen...and..for me to do it for him so that he could see exactly what I wanted...did it ruin it when he did it for me??? NO!!! I was so happy that he finally did it...and it was very romantic!

Give and you shall receive!

Holiday...I am soo sorry about your weekend...I do not think I could have handled that. My hubby asked me a good question about it...why didn't your H say we should leave? Did you say that you were on a bus? I could not remember. I guess I could have just scroll up:D Anyway, I wondered too why neither of you suggested leaving....what a tough sitch. I am glad you made it through!!!


True

Edited to add: 2, you sound like me before the A...and my H said the same thing about sex as yours...for me, it has been an eye opener....I always thought that he knew I wanted him b/c I had sex with him...I wouldn't have had it, if I didn't want it....now we have it every single day...It is important for me to show him and if that means be his groupie...well, who better than his wife. It was a reason for his affair(not an excuse) and I believe you have stated that it was a reason for your H's affair as well....why not show them what they want??? I just don't understand your attidtude on this.

Hi True,
We were on a bus some plus 30 min away from the hotel.
Everyone was having a nice time around her anyway. I think everything just hit me.

My H and I had a little "outburst" this morning about the weekend (he came home from work right after I had wrote my post and I guess I was really bothered by everything over the weekend and I let it out) before I went to workout. But when I arrived home he was waiting on the livingroom chair to tell me he was sorry and that I need not to worry and to try to feel safe as he is working on it hard to make me feel that way again.

2, I agree with True. Get to the bedroom!!!

Hey Guys,

Holiday, somehow I missed your post about the weekend. What a loser! I HATE drunk people. I try very hard never to be one. I think I would have pitied her and her disgusting behavior. I don't think I would have felt upset. I don't know.

Anyway, why should I ALWAYS initiate sex? Because groupies do? Sometimes I'd like to feel attractive instead of having to throw myself at a man like a ******. I do sometimes because he's my H, but all the time? NOPE!

MC sucked! I cried the whole time. Nothing was resolved about his meeting with BD. We were supposed to agree to disagree and I wouldn't. It caused a big fight and I feel like throwing in the towel. So tired.

Last year at this time...on vacation in the Bahamas. It should have been the dream vacation especially since it cost so much. Instead he spent the whole time pulling away and probably missing her so much he was sick. He's ruined so much of my life.

2

I am sorry to hear of your trouble 2. I have no advice to offer you...I am just sorry for you. Some people can never get over the awful betrayal...I know it eats away at you, and yes, it does not help when your hubby makes some really bad choices in the recovery process...but also when you are not choosing to do things differently. I do not want to argue with you or get you upset...but it does take two to fix this problem that he created...Fair? No...but that is the way it is.

Yes, a lot of our lives have been taken away...our most important beliefs about the person we love the most are crushed...it is tough to overcome. No one can tell you how you can either...b/c in the end, it all comes down to the choice you make.

Also, about the sex thing...I don't think he wants you to initiate it all the time(although I understand why you think like that...I did). I think he just wants to feel wanted...giving him sex or initiating just b/c he wants you to...don't you think he picks up that vibe??? What do you think the allure of A's are?? The OP actually WANTS the spouse...and he/she never has to "beg" for that feeling...it is just there....that is the groupie thing, and it does not mean you are acting like a *****...it means that you find your husband desirable enough to show him. Like I said...my H's A opened my eyes to this. I hope it can show you how important it is to your H(whether you understand it or not).

Well, I guess this is a long post from someone who said they had no advice.

If you really feel like your life is ruined forever with this man....you know what you can do. I have given you my opinion on that before. I hope God places love and forgiveness in your heart and allows it to open wide to your H's remorseful soul.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do you know how I feel right now? Like how did things in relationships get so complicated? What happened to the days when people got married and stayed together because that is simply how it is supposed to be? NOW everyone talks about my needs and his needs and what do you contribute and languages of love and it all sounds like CRAP to me! We took a vow to GOD and we are supposed to keep it...plain and simple! This is all too complicated.

I married my H because he was a simple man...the complete OPPOSITE of my father who I knew from an early age I could never be married to such a complicated (difficult) individual. My H grew up poor, didn't have much...didn't need much to be happy it seemed. He was happy to sit home and watch a good football game. When did all this "I need to feel important, I need to feel desired" crap enter the picture? If I went through a period of feeling like my H didn't appreciate me or didn't desire me I CHANGED ME! I didn't run out and screw the first person willing to F her boss with an infant baby at home!

My MC asked me today what I needed from my H. And I told her the truth....NOTHING. Because what I did need (which was a man to love and respect me and be my partner in life) didn't happen. He betrayed me, partnered with someone else and didn't love me. It happened and it is over and it can never come back. I need nothing from him now. Ours was a simple marriage. I never expected much. I didn't want a rich man, diamonds, the best clothes, him to look a certain way. I only wanted him to treat me the way I treated him...lovingly and with respect. I didn't place much emphasis on the money he started making because I didn't want him to ever think that was more important to me than just having a man who loved me. I would have loved him broke...****** I did! I just don't know when things got so complicated. I want a simple peaceful life and trying to relearn after 10 years together how to speak his love language or how to act like a groupie so he feels "special" is all a bunch of BS to me. I'm not sure I'm up for it. I just want my simple life back with a man I was proud to call mine, rich, poor, ugly, great looking, important or another fish in the sea. What I wanted and needed I no longer have and it continues to break my heart.

2

On this note, True said it all.

2, I think it's time you throw in the towel, head to the nearest convent and give up on men. It ain't gonna change with men, I don't care who you married, live with or date. If you don't start showing some change here you really need to move on.

The past is now your past. Let it go. Let him go if you must (I pray not). Let your old "uncomplicated" life go, for nothing is ever "simple" unless you are being blind to whats going on around you 24/7.

2, this is not to hurt you, only my opinions. Your MC is not helping, your H is not helping, you are not healing. Time to change up the "game" plan. You are in a continual rut concerning your family and all are paying for it. Move on or move out.

I love ya,

holiday

If moving out or moving on was that simple I would have done it long ago. Both options suck which is why I haven't done either. Any other suggestions?
2

Have an attitude (oil) change. Just a little. You are fighting against yourself so hard. I know if either was easy you would have done it. But you made the choice to stay, so why not do EVERYTHING you can possibly do to make the difference. Stop keeping score.
holiday

I do try. I've changed my attitude. I've done everything I know how. My MC told me this morning and she is right that it is a constant battle for me and I haven't yet won the war. I give up a piece, like the rage and things improve for a bit and I think I'm done. Then something else creeps up, the sadness, fear, hurt. Everytime I surrender something to God, a new layer or piece is revealed and I have to surrender all over again. It is exhausting and frustrating because every time I see the end in sight, it's like I fall back down the slide half way and I have to make the exhausting climb to the top again. Once there, I discover yet another piece that sends me half way down again.

There is nothing more I can do. I have to accept that. It isn't my attitude, it isn't my unforgiveness, it is my way of healing. I wish I could heal as quickly as you guys did. I wish 9 months later I could love this man with all my heart again. But I'm afraid...understandably so, and I just have to hope in time with all the work, the prayer, the counceling and my H's consistancy, that I will find happiness in my marriage again.

I have done all I know how to do.
2

2, we aren't healed...yet.
I think it's just how we look at things.
I feel you've been fighting all this even prior to your H's A. Watching your parents as you grew up made you so determined not to be like them, but you were conditioned just the same. Step back and do something different. Don't try so hard all the time. Just let it "flow" once in a while.
You are being too hard on yourself.
Do me a favor and write a few affirmations down about your relationship with your H and one's about yourself. Put them on stickie notes all around your house where you will see them. Make them about the positives that are happening in your life right now. Maybe that way you can see how far you've come each day.
holiday

Thank you. Feeling better as the day went on.
2