Michele, can you tell me if your H did anything to deal with what Dr. Phil called a SA? I am curious because my WH appears to have a SA and I wondered what made the difference for yours? If you don't want to answer here you can email me killnme2004_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks,

FF, don't mind responding here at all. H is in partial disagreement w/Dr. Phil on the SA diagnosis. H says that it's not necessarily "sex" that he's addicted to (although the track record of past affairs would seem otherwise). H thinks it's more like an adrenaline-type addiction or stimulation addiction. H has signs/symptoms of attention-deficit disorder and the need for constant stimulation is one sign, however, experts say that affairs are typically not related to ADD. Regardless of what "type" of addiction it is, it's all about behavior control, and being held accountable for actions. Intense counseling helps tremendously but also recognizing the issues/problems and being willing to deal with them also is the key. With these types of situations, denial or blame is not allowed and honesty is key. People have to WANT to change. If they don't want to change, they won't. There are plenty of books out there on SA, however, I can't remember any titles right off the bat. There are also support groups and more than likely there are some in your area. H and I went to one SAA meeting right after the first D-Day because our therapist at the time thought H had SA. H didn't seem to fit in with the others that were there. Most of them were addicted to porn. Don't get me wrong, H does show signs of SA but like I said, with any addiction it's all about behavior control. I can say with certainty that H is now 100% in control of his behavior. Feelings and emotions are not controllable so of course he still has his "down" moments but that's when it's my job to recognize his down moments, approach him about them, and be understanding and sympathetic towards them without lashing out at him due to anger or hurt. I can express my anger or hurt towards the sitch, but cannot attack him for it because he is showing remorse and putting forth the effort on his part.

Sorry if I strayed from the subject for a moment. Hope this helps. Good luck to you and your H.

Thanks, I appreciate your honest response. It does help to know that your H is being honest and is tackling this problem. I am not 100% sure my H is SA but he does have some sort of addiction. Not sure if he really wants to get the help necessary but we will see.

Thanks again and best wishes for your continued recovery.

MH,
I'm glad to hear that things are going better for you and your WS. What a journey to be undertaking together!

I did want to note, however, that addiction is ALWAYS about the effect, response, one gets from the behavior, substance, etc. Alchoholics, drug addicts, workaholics, sexaholics, etc, are not just using the substance/behavior because they like it in and of itself. It's because of how it makes them FEEL, and this is the addiction. Otherwise, they could stop the behavior at any time, and not have a problem, or create problems, with it.

What is so difficult about your WS admitting that he has a Sex Addiction???? He doesn't like the sounds of it because it takes the "love", "joy", "intimacy" out up what he's been doing?
Makes him seem nasty or dirty? Shows him off in a bad light? Wants to think he's different, better than those other addicts?? The reason I raise the issue is that I'm concerned that it's an additional aspect of his addiction that he's in denial about. If one is in denial about something it's difficult to find full healing.

I'm also concerned, Michele, that if your WS doesn't acknowledge that he has a SEX addiction....thinks that it's "an adrenalin-type addiction or stimulation addiction"...he still might "blame" you, your marital relationship, for not providing enough stimuli or adrenalin rushes. He could end up convincing himself that his multiple sexual affairs were not about "addiction". In his mind it becomes about a lack in you, your marriage, not any addiction on his behalf. It then can give him "permission" to return to having affairs. Afterall, a guy has the right to get his needs met doesn't he?? And he wouldn't want to break up the marriage, the family, and hurt anybody!

I may be totally off target about any of this. It's just that my xWS was an alcoholic/addict. I have worked with alcoholics/addicts. There can be the slightest twist in the words they use, or don't use, that they use as an "out" for why they don't have to, or need to, change...why it really isn't that big of a deal....why it doesn't need to be brought to their spouse's attention.

I wish you the very best in your Recovery!

Michele and I talked about this a little before -- unfortunately, I see a whole lot of myself in her H's behavior and justifications. I think Dr. Phil was spot-on in identifying the emotional immaturity underlying this behavior, which manifests itself as impulse control problems.

Because of some event or events in childhood, emotional development can "arrest" at a very young age. In my case, my parents' bitter divorce and a sexual encounter with an older cousin seem to be about where my emotional issues began. Like all children, being adaptable, I not only stopped maturing emotionally but developed poor skills to try to meet my emotional needs, forming a pattern that becomes very entrenched and hard to break out of.

I know at least one recovering SA (who has been a critical help for me) and have read about and discussed the subject in my IC, and in all this just don't see the conclusive marks of a SA. And with so many similarities between me and Mr. Hall, it may well be the same for him. (Really, watching that show and hearing them interact was the next best thing to going on Dr. Phil myself!)

Michelle,

Saw the 2nd part of the show also. I am so proud of you, my cyber sister (I hope you don't mind the nom de plure).

I've been looking up homeopathic suppliments for myself for some of my OCD behavior. Was wondering if your dh had done the same. It seems that the ADD diagnosis and my OCD probs have some of the same suppliments to counteract the brain's mis-firings.

- Kimmy

In my case, my H is a recovering drug addict (6 years clean now) and he was once diagnosed in his 20's as manic-depressive (or whatever their calling it these days), of course the doc didn't know he was using cocaine at the time. Anyway, I look at his actions w/OW in the same light. Using something to help avoid issues and dull the pain of your emotions. H and I were separated at time of A and we were both hurt and questioning our relationship. I think it boils down to an addictive personality. I'm thankful that H has a 12 step program to attend, but when it doesn't manifest itself in drugs or alcohol it's hard to pin down and put a name on it. But it's something to consider. Good Luck!!