My life could be an ABC movie

I have been with my SO since I was 14, he was 17, pregnant at 17. At 8 months, he left me out of the blue for a former g/f Judy, the one his mother chose for him. He had taken her to our apt. while I was at work & had sex with her in our LR, left the mess, she took a diapar from the baby's room and taped it across the kitchen table and wrote "wait til you spit that kid B***" I didn't even know her but she taunted me, told me she was going to take my child and it was going to call her mom and it wouldn't even know me. She was going to kick my A** as soon as I came out of the hospital after the baby was born...I moved out, he moved in w/her. I don't think he knew what she was doing because every time he was present, when she turned her head towards him she would change her facial expression to a nice smile ... He did tell me that he was going to be with her for the rest of his life though. A month later, they broke up, I moved back in and later he came back. I just took him back & didn't ask questions. I had the baby, then a wk or so later, he got back with her. She announced she was pregnant. A few wks later, as they planned their wedding, she admitted that the baby may not be his, she told ME that she was only with 3 men at the time, but it could come out half black for all she knew. I never took this seriously & never repeated it. They split again and we reunited.

2 Years later we had moved 400 miles away & I got pregnant again, I told him I wanted to get married or get him out of my life. He chose to marry me and we were actually VERY happy while we lived in the country. But a mother figure of his passed away out there & he became depressed.

We moved back to STL & a few months after the move, he left me again. He was filing for divorce. He just wasn't happy. A few mo.s later, he came back home, said he stopped the divorce & we actually went to counseling. He claimed the reason he was gone so much for the next yr was that his mother, who hates my guts, was having heart trouble so he was staying with her alot, 100 miles away. he made such a big deal out of me wearing my ring at work, I would take it off because I cleaned showers but he would throw a fit & say, "you're a married woman and you should keep that ring on your finger" Our kids were 2.5 & 5 at the time. My 2.5 year old started saying the name "Judy" & my son kept quieting her. He claimed it was because she met his cousin Judy. Well, one night while I was at work on night shift, THE Judy called me at work & asked me where He was, I said at home asleep, why are you calling & asking me this? She said, why do you let him sleep there when you are divorced? I said, we aren't divorced, he stopped the divorce, she said no, I seen the papers, you were divorced last year. I wondered why you never showed up at any of the court dates & didn't even ask for custody of your kids... I was floored, we talked 4 hrs getting info and comparing notes, she divorced her husband at the same time. I had her meet me at my place when I got off work at 8AM. We went into the bedroom and woke him up, he grabbed his keys, wouldn't speak and tried to leave. But I knew he would do this so I parked behind him so he couldn't escape. He wouldn't admit to me that we were divorced, and just kept telling her to leave and she practically begged him to come with her but he wouldn't. I told him he might as well go because I was done. But he didn't want to go with her, he stayed and begged me.

I threw him out, & started dating someone so he kept the kids from me. He called me and told me one was sick & needed meds. I could buy the meds & see the kids at the store parking lot. I got in the truck & he took off w/me. This turned into a 24 hr kidnapping at gunpoint. WE drove around, he made plans to move us back to the country & he took me to get my clothes. I said we needed supplies before the trip, so we stopped at Walmart. I said my daughter needed to use the restroom, he let us go in, but kept my purse and son. When an employee came in, I told them to call the police. He suspected something was wrong and he fled w/my son and my purse. He later turned himself in, & we went to court for an ex parte order, here he produced divorce papers showing he had full custody of our kids I had no visitation rights. So he kept the kids from me until I took him back.
We moved back to the country and remarried. Judy remarried her husband. Then I dealt with the resentment of everything that happened for 3-4 yr.s, we moved back to STL again & he could tell I started distancing myself from him more & more & he flipped out, I left & filed for divorce. We were apart for a yr, I had a relationship during the divorce but ended it after realizing I didn't care about the person and he ended his relationship w/another g/f and not 3 wks after the divorce was final,I went back. The x g/f got psycho and claimed to be pregnant, I told him I didn't believe it, 6 mo.s later, she "lost" it. But I also found out he had been leading her on, just in case I left.

Then he admitted he was harboring resentment towards me for being with a black man while we were separated. Yes he is racist, even though his best friend is black, & I am so confused about their relationship, but anyway, he starts to distance himself from me, like I did him before I left. As soon as the x g/f stops calling after 1.5 yr.s, he starts leaving the house at midnight & coming home at 6AM & I am sleeping on the couch, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me at this point, told me to move out, then Judy calls, I answer & she hangs up. My nightmare resurfaces, my head is spinning,I ask him why she has our number & he says, because we have a child together... a 7 year old daughter that she just recently decided to admit was his, she denied it all this time & let her husband think it was his all this time. Well, Judy is getting another divorce. He can't get over me being w/a black man so he is going to be w/her. I happened to have met the black man she was sleeping w/while she was sleeping w/my man & her boss at work when he left me while I was pregnant. The BM told me he was scared when she got pregnant because it could have been his, apparently, Judy never told Him about this, I asked him how he could get over her being with a BM, he confronted her, she admitted it, and went back to square one.

He asks me if I am going to stand behind him if he fights for visitation of the child, I say yes. Judy moves 100 miles away. We talk to lawyers, start saving money, the whole time she is stalking us, calling and coming over, leaving him love letters on his car, always signing "Love J" and told me she would never give him up and now that he seen the daughter, she has him right where she wants him because he'll never give the daughter up now. And then he started disappearing for days at a time, the lawyer thing got put off. One day he was depressed, I asked him what was wrong, he said, "remember when I got mad and left a few weeks ago? I put a contract on a house, and never gave it a second thought when I left, but the realestate agent called, and the contract went thru" I asked where this house was, out by Judy's house but he swore it wasn't to be WITH HER. But he didn't want the house, he didn't want us to split up so he got out of the contract. a few weeks later, his family recently felt obligated to tell me that, Judy is pregnant again...& she had given him an ultimatum to move in w/her or they were thru. He didn't move in w/her, but now he thinks I should be OK w/him taking our kids to her house to spend the night when his daughter is sick, because, Judy will not allow him to take the daughter out alone or anywhere around me... this is her leverage. Judy planned this and she planned it very well... if he is going to just let her control the whole thing, why doesn't he just go be with her? Instead, he tries to act like nothing is wrong and I should be OK w/him seeing her, talking to her, spending the night at her house and taking my kids around her without my permission or knowledge even... This past April marks 18 yrs., (giving away my age) we probably have been apart a Cumulative of 2 of those yrs. What DO I DO NOW???

OK - not even getting into everything else that you wrote... this man supposedly kidnapped you AND your kids at gunpoint and kept you hostage for 24 hours?? And he's not in jail, or charged with this? And he still retained custody of your kids?
I'm sorry... call me jaded.. but something doesn't seem right here???

Yes the judge would not honor the ex parte order I got after he showed divorce papers that gave him full custody of the kids, the judge said I was SOL... he was released on bond...and it could take YEARS in court and lots of money to try to change the custody thing...

I'm sorry I didn't "register" your entire message. He was charged with 3rd degree assault and armed criminal action but the Prosecuting Attorney reduced it to a misdemeanor. He was put on 1 yr. probation and had to take those RAVEN classes.

Well, I have to say, that's a lot of drama. Some people help create drama in their lives, perhaps childhood stuff. I would strongly suggest you just concentrate on you and your children right now and get some individual counseling. I don't see how you could ever have a "normal" life for your children with this man. Back and forth, back and forth. You can stop it. Good luck!

I have to say, He hardly knew his father, but his mother married and divorced him twice and he did the same exact thing his son is doing...to this day that man is trying to get her back...

Do you not see your part in all this???

You let him treat you this way.

I think you need some serious counceling. What are you teaching your children. Your sons???

I dont believe any state would plea bargain down to a misdeamenor when a gun and children are involved.

Your story just doesnt make sense.

You both need serious help.

I knew this would be hard to believe to most people because most people don't actually have the pleasure of experiencing this kind of termoil in their lives to even begin to be able to relate. If you don't believe a prosecuting attorney would plea bargain down to a misdemeanor when there is a gun involved, you don't live in the real world...at least not the real legal world. I'm sure you wouldn't believe then that the reason I was given for the reduction to a misdemeanor was because we had been married...if he was a stranger it would have been different. And I'm sure it is most definitely unbelievable for you then that his half brother who he has NEVER met, is in prison right now for kidnapping and raping his wife at knife point. Unbelievable sure, BUT IT IS TRUE. We are in counseling and on medication. He has actually started going to a counselor on his own before he told me about it because he was frustrated that it didn't seem to be helping...then he started to see my psychiatrist to be treated for bipolar, I have been in counseling for several years and am being treated for clinical depression and my son is in counseling and being treated for ADHD. My daughter is the youngest and has not given signs of needing counseling or treatment. And yes we have both sat down and taken stock and realize what these kids have been through...that is why I am NOT leaving this time. I always threw him at TOW whenever she came around again, I never fought for him before and I have been able to look back and see that I didn't react the way I should have when he did these things, but I grew up with no guidance whatsoever. I was born to a 14 & 15 year old couple and my grandparents all passed by the time I was 11. My father went from Boys Town to Juvenile to Prison and my mother was an alcoholic and drug addict. I was pretty much on my own by then and something that would seem to be common knowledge to you apparently wasn't to me or him for that matter. His mother taught him that a woman can run faster with her dress up than a man can with his pants down. Hind sight is 20/20 though, and my question was regarding the situation as it is right now. If anybody can get past MY past and give any insight on what is happening now?

I think the most relevant insight has been given. With such a painful story (and I'm sure we only know the half of it!), I'm not sure exactly what you expected to hear. The past makes a difference, not in any way to judge you, but in the sense that it keeps repeating itself -- I see no sign that anyone is growing up or learning anything from the incredible chaos of the past. If you didn't think the past mattered, why share it all? It's the best indicator of future behavior.

You both are carrying a lot of baggage and creating a lot of drama, and with so much that has happened it seems like the best thing you could do TODAY is to work on yourselves individually. Two emotionally unhealthy people cannot build an emotionally healthy relationship. That means you have to work on you, period. Sort out your past, work on your issues and behavior, and find the ways you need to grow to avoid making similar mistakes for the rest of your life. You may need to find a new counselor and consider a review of your meds.

All this may or may not be possible with your H -- I can't see how a man who divorces you in secret, kidnaps you, buys a house in secret, and impregnates the same woman twice would be a good candidate for reconciliation without showing ANY sign of serious change and remorse (meaning something more than "I'm sorry").

Getting a break from the chaos and going to Plan A or B is probably the best thing you could do for your children too -- to show them how to seek help and be responsible for their own decisions and emotions, and most of all to show them how to behave and expect to be treated in a relationship.

Read up on the principles and concepts on the MB website. If you don't buy into them, you won't be able to get a lot of help from this forum. The Harleys' concepts are a template for a road to recovery that has proven itself in even extreme marital crises. But it's a package deal -- you can't throw out the Policy of Joint Agreement or say Love Busters aren't a big deal and still expect the process to succeed. It's a very narrow road to recover from adultery; there is a way, but you have to be willing to follow the steps closely and sometimes just accept that it leads to the right place. If you can do that, there are people here who are far down the road who will gladly help you follow along!

ihateTOW, I am still trying to digest all that you wrote. When you said that your life story could be an ABC movie, I think that was an understatement!

All this back and forth among you, H and TOW has my head spinning. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to live such a life and not go insane.

My question: Given that this man has shown that he can be DANGEROUS, I don't understand what the dilemma is when you ask what you should do now. And, I say this, with concern and love, not to be harsh or judgmental. Notwithstanding his past and antisocial behavior, I'm having a difficult time grasping why you would think twice about getting off the merry-go-round that H and TOW's drama--that they evidently not only created together but seem to get off on--have generated not only for you, but for your kids. Even with our capacity to forgive, some of the examples of your H's deceitfulness and willingness to ping-pong between you and TOW, makes me again wonder if this is a relationship that either you or your children should be subjected to.

Having said all of that, I believe that God has the power to change anybody. It is, indeed, encouraging to see that your H recognizes that he does have problems and has taken steps to address them. However, you need to take care of yourself and be strong not only for you, but for your children.

You will get some excellent advice on the MB site and I would encourage you to read everything you can about the MB principles and apply them to your own life. Plan A and Plan B is all about empowering YOU.

As for TOW--it's understandable for you to hate her. However, she only has as much power as you and your H ALLOW her to have. It seems to me that H has been allowed to have his cake and to eat it, too. In addition, his own actions continually undermine what he claims he wants--something that I am not convinced that he even knows.

Please take care of yourself!

I'm speechless

My dear IHOW, I know what a drama this has been on you...I know what the toll is has on your soul. Please know you are are not alone. Please realize that there are those even on this particular board who cannot understand...who cannot wrap their brain around the facts of your life.

I will tell you that ONLY YOU KNOW WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I know my breaking point. I am certain that you are learning what yours is. If you need me, I am here:

niosgirl@yahoo.com

Believe me, you are not the only one. You are not alone.

You are not handed more than you can take on, only enough for you to learn what you need to know...and there is a way to handle everything you are dealt with grace and compassion...sometimes, though, the compassion you must dish out is to yourself...which is hard for a giver such as yourself. Realize, though, that there are those that won't judge...those that know the ache...but will also will not hold back from telling it how the world sees it (which is something we all must take into account). Handle it with grace, dear, handle it with a grain of salt...but try not to ever take it as an offense. A true offense never smacks of truth. It only is truth without the cushion of kindness.

If you need me, I am here.

- Kimmy