I watched most of yesterday's Oprah show quite closely. I was impressed by the frank, candid nature of the interviews.

I was quite envious of the cheaters' good fortune that their spouses didn't choose to end their marriages, but instead chose forgiveness and that they were working on putting their marriages back together.

I was also impressed that it was reiterated several times that most of the men didn't have affairs because the OW was some sex goddess, but that she was just someone who was THERE, that they felt they were receiving admiration or appreciation from. (Getting one of their EN's met by her!) They were having their affairs because of how the OW made them feel (adored as one man said), not because the OW was gorgeous.

The "a-ha" moment I had yesterday was this: One of the wives was asked why she directed so much anger to the OW (even had a moment of thinking of killing her), rather than at her cheating husband. She said she'd thought a great deal about that one and figured out that it was because she still LOVED her H, so that's why it was so much easier to direct all her anger at the OW. NOW I FINALLY understand why I have so much anger and hatred towards the two OW that were in my H's life. It was just so much easier to put most of the blame on them, and be angry with them, rather than hate my now exH.

Oh, there was one weasel who still was telling his wife that he "didn't remember" lots about his affairs, and Oprah let him have it, and told him he needed to come clean, and give his wife the honesty she deserved. The jerk sat there with his head down and eyes closed, avoiding reality as much as he could. Coward!

Well, that's what struck me about the show. Anyone else have any thoughts?

Jen

Jen,

I taped the show and watched it carefully. I didn't see anything new that I aleady didn't know - but still I found it interesting. What I wonder, is whether others watching the show would find based on what they saw a deterrent should they ever consider an affair.

Also I tried to picture my OW watching the show and wondering what she thought.

It would be interesting to see a followup show with these same couples to see how they were doing 6 months down the road.

Jen, I can certainly relate to what you said about misdirecting your anger. My W pursued and pursued OM but I still could never bring myself to say that to her. I can finally say it to myself and start to let his hold on me go. But imagine if you were still with your H now. Even moreso, you would NEED to direct your anger towards them rather than him. Now that you are less invested in the situation you can be more objective. I'm moving in this direction. At one time my W would have left to live in a trailor with OM (her words)but fortunately he was never interested in a future with her.

Anyway glad your doing well. I will always remember the effort you gave and hopefully it makes looking back a good bit easier. That has always been my belief, to know that you did your very best regardless of the outcome. Sorry to digress.

Jenn - Darn I missed it - I think it's true that we are angrier at the OP becoz we still have love in our heart for our WS so we cannot despise them as much as we do the OP....

But, I feel I have other reason for hating these OW...
They had no respect for me - whether they know me or not - I'm a live, feeling human being and somewhere along the line they should ask themselves if this is how they would like to be treated.

That they are blatantly stupid for believing everything a WS would tell them, about their marriage or their spouse. Are they so needy or insecure or desparate themselves that they wouldn't question the real truth??

Since the majority of my WH A's are/were w/MOW I am disguised that they would risk losing their children or putting their children on the back burner for a MM.

I also am shocked that women can be so stupid to think that a MM having an A would be monogamous w/them..That he isn't seeing many MOW/OW..

That a woman would have sex whether it's for love (in their mind) or just for a little extra on the side with a MM. Hey, I enjoy sex too - but it's not so important that I would consider destroying families, lives, etc. for it. When I was single and a MM hit on me - believe me I ran the other way..A MM isn't worth it...

In general I guess I'm saying I'm stunned that so many women today don't value themselves enough to live their lives for the families they have built or would someday like to build. I dont' understand how they can sleep at nite..

Yes, I'm angry at my WH for persueing these MOW/OW because he made some of the same mistakes - but, being a woman I'm angrier that "one of my own kind" has betrayed me...

Jen:

Thanks! as you read in my other post I NEEDED to know what the heck was said. DH said it was his feeling 100% but he just couldn't express them & couldn't even really tell me much about the show. I would LOVE to see it. I even went to Oprah.com to buy the video & it would only give me the transcrip & that FAILED during download!

I do have a hard time with H's xOW! I was just saying today I would LOVE to get...never mind. I did have a talk with her (she was 18! he was 28) and told her I HOPE this never happens to her & If it does that the OW would leave them be to rebuild their relationship if they so choose. She has attempted contact once and HE lied to me about who was on the phone.

I would LOVE to call her and see if he has contacted her but I KNOW that will leave the door open for contact. She will see it as him being vulnerable and me untrusting (which I am). I WILL NOT do it, that does not mean the thought isn't there.

a friend asked me the other day "would you leave him if you won the lottery?" I said NO! He said well, then you do love him. I said I am worried he would leave ME if he won!

I was emailed a cute Prayer. (forgive me if I offend anyone)

Dear Lord,
I Pray for:
Wisdom, to understand him
Love, to forgive him and;
Patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, If I pray for Strenth, I'll just beat him to death.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thought it was cute!

-angi

Angi,

I watched the show but unfortunately didn't tape it. Ask if anyone that taped the show would be willing to send you a copy of the tape. There's usually someone able and willing to do so.

Angi,

Check your local TV listings. The *Oprah* show often repeats, sometimes very late at night. There is also the "After the Show" segment on the Oxygen Network, if you have that on your cable lineup.

To summarize, the men emphasized:

They all loved their wives.
They weren't looking for something they weren't getting at home.
They liked having extra attention and extra sex.
They lied to their wives.
They lied to their OW.
They did it because it felt good.
They didn't think their wives would be hurt.

That's what they said.

The best part was where one guy was crying at all the pain he'd caused his wife, but Oprah didn't buy it for a minute. She laid into him and told him that unless and until he came clean and told his wife the whole truth, his tears didn't mean nothin'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Catch the show if you can. It was worth watching, but also shocking at how casual these men were about what they were doing. It is truly amazing at how so many people (male and female) simply feel entitled to their marriages and don't see why they should have to care for or protect that relationhip. It's just supposed to be there for you when you want it and take care of itself the rest of the time, like the TV set or the refrigerator. All you should have to do is pay the electric bill to keep it running - and if it breaks, get a new one.

All of these marriages were still intact, though one wife was not there. It would be interesting to see where they are six months to a year from now.
Mulan

Cruise and I watched it off the Tivo yesterday.

There were many interesting things, but one thing stuck out at me that went unchallenged. One man said that ALL (99.9% of) husbands cheat. It struck me as an excuse for someone who has been in that situation. I am a husband, and I have never cheated. I'm quite confident that I am not one-in-a-thousand (the other 0.1%) in this regard.

I guess it just bugged me that this man made a blanket statement about husbands based on his own experience and Oprah did not call him on it or cite any statistics -- seemed to me to be like pandering to her viewers.

Mulan - great, concise summary!

MOE - thanks for your kind words. I am guessing you used to post under a different user name, since you seem to recall me from way back when? I wouldn't say I'm doing so well, I'm a bit mixed up these days - see my other thread I just posted.

Everyone else, thanks for your posts, it's very interesting to hear what chords the show struck with different people.

Jen