I originally posted this on the Emotional Needs page and they asked that I paste my story here to see if I could get some advice on my situation. Here goes....

Me and my husband have been married for 4 years (we dated for 3). I didn't feel we had a communication problem we both share what we like and don't like almost all the time. There have been issues in the past where he has lied to me on a constant basis and still does every once in a while but not like he used to, he has had several internet flings when we were dating but those have not happened again and I've moved on from that. We both decided not to have children and have both taken permanent measures to make sure we don't have any.

On the day of our three-year anniversary in September 2004, he was surved with papers from the state saying that an old girlfriend was asking for child support for an 8 year old child she says is his. He had told me when we were dating that he thought he might have a child out there but that she messed around on him and reassured me I never would have to worry about that because she didn't want him to have anything to do with the child, so I put it out of my mind at the time. Anyway, he got a paternity test done and the child is his. I was worried financially at first because my husband tends to be the type that can't be happy with a job long, in fact, during the week he went to court for the last time to find out how much we were going to have to pay, he lost one of the best jobs he's ever had because he missed too many days. The courts didn't mess with visitation, just the child support, and he said the if he had to pay child support his son was going to get to know him.

About a month ago, he called his ex to see if he could see his child and she agreed. He went to their house on a Friday and stayed a few hours and he was so excited when he got home to tell me that when he walked in the door his son called him daddy and gave him a hug and wanted to play with him. The next week he goes over there on Wednesday and Friday...in the same week she emails me and tells me that she wants me and her to be open and honest with each other and she wants to know how I'm doing with the whole situation and how I'm feeling so I email her back and tell here everything I'm feeling even down to the financial problems we're having and how I'm worried how we're going to make it. Well I don't hear back from her until that Wednesday when my husband comes home from visiting over there and he tells me she's upset because of my email and that she had him read the email and he tried to explain to her that I'm an honest and open person and that I wasn't trying to start anything, but she wouldn't listen. So he tells me I need to call her and I told him I didn't want to if she was upset with me so he calls her and hands the phone to me and she's got a really bad attitude on the phone and says some things that would tick a person off normally but I played it off like I was dumb and was just nice to her.

Anyway, the next week again on Wednesday and Friday he goes over there and the next week the same. Then that Saturday he has his ex-girlfriend plan a cookout for me to come and meet the kids and her because he told her he thought I felt left out (because I told him I felt left out when he made decisions without me). So I go even though I wasn't thrilled about the whole thing and they are flirting with each other having literal play fights with each other and we're all sitting there and they're talking about how it used to be when they were together and his ex is bragging how she still has control over him now because he'll do anything his son asks and how she used to literally beat my husband up when they were together...it wasn't exactly a comfortable situation for me, but my husband didn't seem to think how I would be feeling. While I was there I was alone with his son in his room playing video games and after a while he ran outside to play and left everything on and I cut everything off and put things up. Now during the weeks, I didn't want my husband bringing our game systems over there everytime he visited but he did anyway and kept telling me that they are careful with their games and that they always pick their games up and put their controllers up and all when they're finished. When I saw this happen while I was there I thought to myself "well here we go again...it was probably just another one of his lies to try and make me feel better" so at the time I decided not to bring it up until we were on the way home, which I did. So he tells me no that they usually do pick them up and he's going to call their mother and tell them what happened because they'll get punished by getting their games taken away (which I didn't know). So he calls and tells her and she confronts his son with it the next morning and he denies it at first then starts to confess when the 13 year old speaks up and tells them that I told them to leave the games out and I would pick them up which was a total lie. So then the exgirlfriend gets upset and calls my husband and tells him that she believes that I'm lieing and that I'm just trying to start something (which is not like me at all and my husband knows this), but instead of telling her this, he clams up all day long and I keep asking what's wrong all day and he says nothing until nighttime and he finally tells me that what the ex-girlfriend is saying and that he actually doesn't know who to believe which hurts me beyond belief because I've never lied to him about anything and I've always made a point to be honest with him no matter what. Anyway, after he talked with my sister and a few of his family members, he understood what he did was wrong.

The next week, he visits Wednesday and Friday although he planned to go over that Saturday as well but only if his brother came down to visit which he didn't end up visiting. Then the next week (last week) he has the kids come to our house and spend the night and I was alone with his son at the beginning and he actually brought up the game situation and he agreed to me that I didn't say those things and he kept telling me that his brother was the one that told the lie, and later on that night the brother actually admitted to us all that he was good at lieing to his mom now which I thought was kinda funny. Anyway, we agreed that every other weekend was fine but no more than that. Because of the extra groceries we are having to buy when they come, we're having to sell cd's and movies and anything else we can think of just to get gas for him to go to work and to buy bread when the kids aren't here...not to mention the other bills. He makes $277/week now with his new job and has to pay $105/week in child support because he won't go tell child support that he's making $2/hour less now with his new job than he was when he filled the original papers out because he's afraid to upset the ex-girlfriend and she might make it more difficult for him to see his child.

This past Sunday he dropped the kids off at her house and comes back home and calls her as soon as he gets in because he was having car trouble before he left, then he tells her all of these plans that he's made that I didn't know about...like he told her that he may be taking them again the next weekend to give her a good mother's day present (which we had already talked together and both agreed that we couldn't afford to keep them 2 weeks in a row), plus he was telling her that he was going to take them on some trip sponsered by his work which I hadn't heard about yet and other things I hadn't heard about yet, so when he gets off the phone, I told him that's what I meant by feeling left out because he had made all these plans and was telling her about them before he told me about them. So he gets mad saying I'm just jealous and he gets mad and asks for a divorce and I ask why and he says because he feels torn between me and her and his son, so I cry and after about 20 minutes of me bawling my eyes out he appologizes and says he's sorry that he didn't mean it and that he didn't want a divorce and that he really did love me a lot.

So then the last three days have been pretty good. Then I asked him tonight what time he would be coming home tomorrow (cause he usually goes over there on Friday's around 3pm after work and usually comes home around 8 or 9) and he tells me around 9 or 10 and I asked which one and he says 10 or so and I tell him I'd really like it if he would be home by 10pm at the latelst and he gets upset and tells me that I'm putting a time limit on his son and that I don't understand the bond he has and I try to calm him down and tell him I'm not angry or anything and that I just would like to know when he's coming home and he gets mad and doesn't want to tell me a time. Then he says fine I'll just stay 2 hours over there and I'll come home to you if that'll make you happy (in a really sarcastic voice) and I'm like well I'm not asking you to cut down your time I'm just asking for a time you're coming home and he gets mad and goes to bed and I'm upset crying because I felt it was going so good the last few days and I mention one thing about when he's coming home from visiting his son and he goes haywire. So I tell him I don't want him going to bed mad and I asked what would make him happy and he said he really wanted to spend the night over there on Friday, and I'm thinking whoa so I asked if he just wanted me to let him spend the night and break our weekend plans alone and let him do what he wanted and not get upset and he eventually says yes, so that's how we left it...he once again got what he wanted and I'm left heartbroken. Then I let things calm down a bit and ask if he's really going to spend the night over there and he says yeah.

So I'm all tore up inside but I feel like I can't tell him I don't want him spending the night because he'll get upset again. Anyway, I treasure my time with my husband, so I got excited last weekend when the kids were here when he was telling me that this weekend was my weekend with him and he planned all these things for us to do. Not to mention the fact that just this past Wednesday when we were having one of our heart to hearts I told him I feared it was going to go to far and that I was worried that he would end up spending the night and his words were "ew, no I'd never do that. If I had to do that I'd just stay with my grandmother." (His son lives an hour and a half away from us and his grandmother lives right down the road from them.) Then today he tells me all this that he's breaking our plans to stay with them for Friday night and it just tears me up inside. I once again feel like I can't trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth.

I try to exlain to him how I'm feeling but it's like now, it doesn't matter how I feel anymore, it always comes down to him and his son. I don't feel like I'm apart of his sons life. He's already told me that if I'm ever in the situation to have to scold his son for doing wrong and nobody is around that I'm not to scold him and that I should either tell him or the ex-girlfriend which I feel is seperating me from the bond he's expecting me to have. I feel he doesn't understand that his son is not my son so I can't just feel the closeness and bond that he does and I can't just let the child get away with whatever he wants because I love him. I feel if I were to scold the child for doing anything that is wrong that my husband would probably say I was just punishing him because I didn't like him. I'm so torn in all this. I could write a book. How am I suppose to feel? He's done things that I've asked him not to do simply because his ex-girlfriend, her girlfriend or his son wanted him to do it. I know he's not cheating on me with her or anything like that because she doesn't prefer the company of men anymore if you know what I mean, so I'm not worried about that. I just feel like I'm losing my husband and no matter how hard I try to hang on he's fighting me. I feel so angry when he leaves me out of situations, or when he does the opposite of what I ask or when he tells me one thing and does another and there have been several times this has happened since he's started seeing his son over there.

I've tried to ask him to get the legal visitation papers done up so that he wouldn't be so scared of her (which he admited he was scared of her) but he said that it would probably just make her angry and then she'd make it harder for him to see his son and he would be afraid his son wouldn't understand. I just don't know.

I have left out a lot (believe it or not) but I have been neglected so many times during this whole situation and don't know how to feel. I've got his family members and my family members telling me he's doing wrong and I'm only hearing from him that I'm just jealous and being unreasonable and I don't understand their bond. I'm just so confused about it all.

He's even got me wondering that maybe I do care too much and maybe I'm suppose to just let him go see his son whenever he wants and stay over there as long as he wants and go with them whereever he wants to go when he wants and not be angry or upset or sad when he's not around, but when he's home I'm suppose to be happy for him because he's happy. Can you give me some kind of advice here. I'm so tired of crying and feeling so lonely. I just don't know how to feel or what I'm suppose to feel or if I am just jealous or if it's him...I just don't know. I can honestly say I'm not a jealous person at all...I mean I'm not the normal gal...I watch the dirty movies with my husband and enjoy them with him, I play the video games with him, I giggle and point out rediculous body parts on girls in public (you know, a girl walks by with a rediculous boob job and you wait until she gets out of ear shot and you just say "good lord did you see the boobs on that girl?" and giggle--not all the time but every once in a while)...We even pick on each other playfully about having boyfriends and girlfriend on the side because we both know that the other wouldn't do that for real. I do these things with my husband speratically and he loves that about me so I'm not a normally jealous person. I've got a million and one other things in between the lines that's happened here but this is the main parts...Please help me. How am I suppose to feel in this situation cause I'm so confused.

I am open to ANY advice!! Thanks

OMG! You have been through so much!

First, I'd like to say that I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's very difficult, I'm sure. You will find a lot of support here, people on this board are very understanding and have a lot of good advice.

I hope that you hear from KTBunch at some point, she and so many others can give it to you straight.

I think that it is time for you to put your foot down. If your H has not already begun an affair with this woman he is well on his way. There is NO REASON for him to SPEND THE NIGHT anywhere but HOME! Under no circumstances should this be allowed - EVER!!

Read about PLAN A & PLAN B.....you're walking on dangerous ground right now. I feel that you may be able to nip this in the butt before anything happens if you are very careful and plan your course of action. That is, of course, if your H has been faithful thus far.

I wish that I could give you more advice. But from where you are at right now, PLAN A would probably be the best route - this is contingent on NO UNECESSARY CONTACT with his son's mother (visitations should be held at your house only). And you should have visitation legal and finalized ASAP.

Your H is (unfortunately) behaving in a very selfish manner and seems ripe for an affair.

I'm so sorry....if you need anything - a shoulder to cry on, a place to vent - you will have all the support you need here.

Good luck and BIG HUGS,

AVNL

I would tell him if he chooses to spend the night at her house, not to bother to come home. I would tell him that his bags will be packed and on the porch and that the locks will be changed.

There comes a time when you have to let him know what you can and cannot live with. A marraige is between 2 people.

Also why are you taking both kids if only one of them is his??
In most states you cant get a modification for child support except for every 3 years. Unless there is a dire circumstance. You would need to talk to an attorney to see if the $2.00 less an hour qualifies.

I am sorry you are going thru this. Please stand up for yourself. Dont let him walk all over you.

Lori

AVNL:
Thank you so much for your response. It brings me to tears just knowing that there are strangers out there that are willing to be there for me if I need it. It means so much to me.
I know that he shouldn't be spending the night there and that's what upset me is that he didn't seem to think anything was wrong with that. If I was in his situation I'd never do that to him. I know that he should have the legal visitation and I've expressed that to him several times but he's so afraid of losing time with his son that he refuses to do it. I know he wouldn't cut off unnecessary contact with her. He sees her now as a best buddy and I know the reason he's so nice and sweet to her is because mentally he wants to make her feel good so that she's more prone to letting him do more things with his son. Part of me wishes that my husband could read all this to show him that I'm not crazy and that he's not making good choices, but I'm afraid that if he read all of this he'd just be mad at me for "telling everybody" about our problems.
In this situation, I'm really confused as to who SHOULD come first. I thought it was me but he's made comments like "that's my son, he's my blood, he's apart of me". And it makes me feel like his son should come first before anything and that I don't matter.

Lori:
Thank you too for your reply. It's just comforting that there's people out there now that now my story and can give me advice on my situation.
It seems so easy to just tell him to do what I want or get out, but when I truly think about it, it's all so hard. There are many other aspects to doing that. I have to think what would happen to me. I have been diagnosed with scoliosis and spinal stenosis and I have enough physical problems that I can't work. The doctors have tried almost everything, in fact I'm on my last resort now (vocational rehab) and their not doing anything for me. My doctors are refusing to put that I'm disabled until I've tried everything but that takes so much time to try everything. I have no income except his. We have to live with my mother and we had to file bankruptcy. So when I think of doing those things I have to think about my future. I can't expect my mother to support me and pay my bills. I would have to go on food stamps which I've never had to do before and I've never wanted to do but if I had to, I would. I've asked him if it bothered him and sometimes he says no because he likes me being home when he comes home and he loves the fact that he doesn't have to do the housework, then other times he says it does bother him (usually when we're having one of our tough weeks where we're scronging to sell something to get bread or gas.)

I have told him before that I can't put up with the way he treats me and he's understood and things will be good for a while then they all seem to fall apart again shortly.

Last weekend, the reason the older brother came with his son is because my husband and the ex-girlfriend had talked and thought it would be much less of a stress for his son if his brother was there just in case he got scared. My husband told me at first that it would eventually just come down to the son coming, but while they were visiting last weekend he made the comment that he thinks his ex-girlfriend's wife/girlfriend's daughter would love to play in the flower beds outside, which leads me to think that he's planning on eventually bringing all three of their kids here one day which I'm not too fond of, so as of now I'm not sure if this is just an isolated event or not.

I guess I just feel that if he would just stop being so selfish and think about me for once instead of himself, things would start looking up, but how can you convince someone to stop being selfish?...It's all so frustrating but I'm so glad I have people like you to help me through all of this.

I can take critisizm as well, so don't be afraid of hurting my feelings or sounding mean. I need someone to tell me if I'm in the wrong if I am because I will take that advice to heart and truly try to change whatever I can about myself to make things right.

Thank you so much for your response and I hope I hear more from both of you and others as well.

Kestrel

I understand the health issues to well. I have them myself. I have degenerative disc desease. bottom 2 discs are gone and the 2 above those are bulging. I just have to learn to live with it. I know it isnt fun. You can still go ahead and apply for SSI. It doesnt have to be long term disability.
We also had to file for bancruptcy and lost our home because of my H's affair and other child.
Do you have counceling available to you. I really think you need it. You have alot to cope with right now.
I dont understand why your husband has to visit his son at her house. Why cant he pick him up and take him to his moms house if it is to far of a drive to bring him to yours?
My H's son lives 800 miles away, there is no way on this earth I would ever have my H go up there and visit without me.
It sounds like his ex and him are just to familiar with each other. He is married to you. flirting with her is inappropriate. Wether she is gay or not. It isnt right.
It sounds like he needs a good swift kick in the behind to wake up.
It also sounds like the ex and her girlfriend are taking advantage of you. They are going to let you and your husband take all 3 kids. basically the 2 of you are strangers to 2 of those kids. No way would I turn my kids over to strangers. especially a 13 yr old girl. I am not saying anything will happen with the 2 of you but as a mother I just wouldnt do it. Also It is something for you to watch for. The girl has already lied. so you need to be careful.

I wish there was more I could say to help you.

Just take one day at a time and no that you are not alone.


Lori

SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Has his lost his freaking mind!!! Have you lost Yours! Sorry, lost it for a minute there. Couldn't enen READ any farther. The man is married! TOO YOU! Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Or you may as well walk away now. OMG!

Uh... there is NO REASONperiod for your husband to stay the night over there. The kid is 8 years old, if he wants that kind of time with his son he canbring the kid to YOUR house.

Sorry, he is out of line, you need to put your foot down. He'll take whatever YOU let him get away with. WHo gives a [censored] if he's afraid she'll get mad... if he has everything legal she can do [censored] about it. He is just making excuses cause he is up to know good... sorry... the sleepover thing is just WEIRD...
hugs to you

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! There is absolutely NO reason for him to be spending the night. Something that struck me odd though is the fact that he walked in the door, and after NEVER seeing this child, he runs up and calls him Daddy? I have an 8 year old son. Who doesn't know his father. Oh, there are just too many thoughts jumbled - but that's just plain WRONG. As are a LOT of things with your story.
The child is 8. He can spend the night alone without his brother and sister. Your H is responsible for ONE child. There's no need for him to be A- going THERE for visitation and B- taking any more than ONE home with him for visitation. If things are legal - then he has nothing to worry about. She can't do ANYTHING to him.

WoW! Well, I just have a few quotes running around in my head.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"...he lies.

Plan A, Plan B

Bi-sexual...if she had sex with a man before, she could again.

Please stand up for yourself. You know how you feel, you just question the validity because your H twists things around. You have every right to feel how you feel. He's not respecting you by dismissing them and doing things w/o your knowledge, trying to please xgf and not you, etc.

If he went to court and fought for visitation he would surely get it and then it wouldn't matter how mad she got. He should be more concerned about your feelings than hers. I think because you don't have children, you're unsure if your boundaries are correct. You should support his relationship with HIS son in YOUR home, period. Good Luck to you!!

You know the saying, "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..."?

I think it's safe to assume your H is back to his mode of "lying on a constant basis", (if there was even a time he wasn't in that mode).

Wednesdays and Fridays at HER house, and now overnights? It's not necessary, and it's wrong. She sought CS through the courts, NOW he must seek court ordered visitation, or else you can expect the visitation to always be on HER terms.

I'm sorry, but I think there's probably more than just child bonding going on during those visits. I'm with JM too, I don't know many 8 year olds who would refer to a virtual stranger as "daddy" at their first meeting. Also, WHO says she's not into men anymore?

There's just way too many red flags here. I understand you want to have faith in your H. I also understand it may be difficult to see the signs that appear so obvious to others, (such as your family), when you love this man, but you need to be smart here, and try to look at things objectively and logically. Step back a moment, and pretend it is your best friend going through the same thing you're going through. What would YOU see? What would YOU hear? How would you advise your friend?

You need to sit down with your H and come up with a plan on how to deal with the visitation in a way that is agreeable to BOTH of you. Look up the link on this site for POJA, (policy of joint agreement). I think you can find the link on the side of the page. This will be a very helpful tool for you in trying to work this out.

IMO, until your H gets legal visitation, (which is a must), he needs to have visitation with his son at your house. If ex-gf outright refuses, I would either END all visitation until it is set up LEGALLY, or at the very least, you should be included in the visits at her house--after all, your H and this woman have nothing to hide, right??? Also, you are this man's WIFE, damn straight you'd be jealous when he spends so much time at another woman's home withOUT you! These are some of issues that need to be discussed in trying to reach an agreement with your H, (POJA).

You should also check the link for Love Busters, (LBs), so that you can be well versed in how to approach your H in a loving, respectable way, but still get your point across to him.

Wishing you well.

~ad

[color:"purple"] WHY are the visits W/O you to begin w/? WHY aren't you there w/ HIM while he is visiting w/ his 'son'?

I really can't say anything more than everyone else has said. Spendign the night? Are you FREAKIN KIDDING ME?

What is wrong w/ YOU that you even have to ASK if YOU are over-reacting?

I think you have just given your H PERMISSION to have a FULL blown A & NOT have to lie about his whereabouts anymore!

WEll, it's very obvious the type of person your H is. So what is YOUR problem? I think YOU need some major individual counseling to explore WHY you allow such disrespect of yourself & a blatant disregard of your own boundaries & feelings.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself! You don't want your mother supporting you but your H is......supposedly.

You will be OK.

If you can clean up yoru house, you cna get a job cleanign other homes or somethign like that. kwim?

I'm sorry that you are going through this but you deserve to be respected.

Again, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

FOllow your instincts & stop doubting yourself.

xoxoxoxo
kt[/color]

You are all SO right! I know some of you think I'm probably the dumbest person in the world. LOL And I understand it is somewhat my fault because I let him get away with it. The one thing I kept hearing from not you guys, but my family members and his family members is "Put your foot down". To me, at the time, it was the scariest thing to do. I am a kind, sweet, understanding, caring person by nature, and I'm not the kind that would say "do this or else", so it was hard to hear that yet knowing that that's really what I needed to do. You all showed me how much it was my fault as much as his and that I should not be treated like this and that I had every right to be upset.

Now for the update. Well, Thursday, he had promised me that he would be home Saturday around 2pm. Well Saturday around 12noon he called and said that his ex had given him permission to take all the kids to the zoo and had bought them passes and everything and that he wouldn't be home until 6pm or so. I reminded him that this was suppose to be my weekend and that he had promised me he'd be home by 2pm and he said fine that he would tell his son that he couldn't take him to the zoo like he promised and he would come home and he hung up. He called back shortly mad at me because he said he was having to watch his son cry because he had to break a promise to him to take him to the zoo, and I asked him if he had explained to his son that he broke a promise to me and he just got mad and said no and eventually told me he was coming home whenever he and his son calmed down and he hung up on me.

Well, he showed up and I knew something was up to begin with because he didn't even bother to bring his overnight bag in. He sat in the chair beside me with an angry look on his face and he told me that he wanted a divorce. I asked if he was serious this time (he said that last Sunday then took it back saying he was just mad), and he said yes. He said a lot of hurtful things like that he had tried to love me and he couldn't and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. I asked if it was his ex or anyone else and he said no he just didn't love me any more. I took that time to explain to him everything that he had and how much I gave him and that he was just being selfish and that I felt it was just too hard for him to even try so he was just running as usual (I got to say a lot that I had held back). I explained that I had been truly trying and that I even suggested counseling (that I could get for free) and he refused and just didn't want to even try. I didn't cry or anything. He started stuffing clothes in a trash bag and told me he'd be back this Wednesday to pick up the rest of his things. I even followed him out to his truck like I always do out of habit and when he was about to leave I said "Lov-" and stopped and he asked what I said and I told him nothing that out of habit I was about to say "Love you" like I always do. He left and of course I started crying...I was mad, sad, scared and relieved all at the same time. I called his family members and mine and told them what was going on. Then I started taking his clothes out of my closet and folding them and putting them in trash bags. When I was on my third bag of his clothes, he called me from the ex's house and asked what I was doing and I told him packing up his things. He asked if it was too late to take it back and started crying. I asked him why he would want to take it back and he said he realized he was just being a jerk and that he really didn't mean it and I told him he seemed pretty convincing to me sitting right in my face telling me he didn't love me. He knew he did wrong. So I took this time to put my foot down. I told him the only way I would let him back in this house is if he went by MY rules and he said it didn't matter what I wanted he would do it and that he was going to work on us from now on and start putting me first instead of his son.

I made the rules that he absoluting immediately HAS to go to counceling with me, he will only go to see his son on Wednesday's and Fridays from 3pm to 6pm like he started doing, we will still have his son (and his son only) every other weekend, he is to NEVER spend the night over there again, and he has to never disrespect me at any time. He agreed pretty quickly and I told him no that he really needed to make sure he knew what he was getting into and I repeated my rules slowly for him and told him that if he EVER broke any of these rules, I would be the one putting him out and he would not get a second chance. He agreed and told me that he was so sorry for hurting me like that all this time and he felt so horrible and I told him it was not appropriate for us to continue talking about this over the phone and that he needed to come home now. He agreed.
He came home and I made him appologize to my mother as well which he did. We sat down and started talking heart to heart and I explained that I can't just forget what has happened and that I still have my guard up. He understood and said he knew it was going to take time and that it wouldn't be easy. He did tell me that he knew he made a mistake by the time he got to the end of the driveway but that he was too embarassed and ashamed to turn around and come back. I of course couldn't help but wonder if he wnated to back because he tried asking some people if he could stay with them and they told him no and the only reason he was coming back was to have a roof over his head, but he told me he hadn't even asked anyone yet when he decided to come back. Whether that's true or not, I can't prove, but what matters is that he follows my rules.

You guys don't know how much you have helped me get a "backbone". I'm not mean or anything, I'm just not letting him run over me anymore. I don't have the room to tell you guys ever detail of what I said and what he said when he came back. But I can say, that I've NEVER heard him open up like he did when he came back. The last day and a half have been overwhelming. I've never felt the kind of love he's shown me since he came back...I'm not saying everything is honkey dorey and I've forgotten everything...I'm just amazed at the way he's acting (I refused to say "changed" because like I said I still have my guard up).

So thank you guys. I will never forget about you all and I thank you so much for being here for me. Oh, and he agreed to read the "educational" part of this website. I LOVE the Love Bank idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He has done things for me in the last day and a half that I've been asking to do since we got married. It's pretty cool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and by the way, we did have our first counceling session today. It went well and at least I know the preacher is aware of what's going on and he gave some good advice and offered for anytime we need him to call him so that's cool.

Wish me luck you guys and pray that this never ends and that he follows the rules and continues to truly listen to me and has the mental strength to keep this going.

You know what's funny though, the way he has made me feel in the last day and a half, the financial and health problems don't seem to be so much of a problem...as long as we are "in love" with each other...I know it might sound corny but like I said, I've been so happy the last day and a half and my tears are no longer tears of pain but tears of happiness...for now...and lets hope they stay that way because I would rather have happy tears than sad ones any day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bless you all and I will continue to keep you up to date. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know it might sound wierd but I feel like saying this...I truly love you guys...to open up your hearts and arms to a complete stranger...you are all truly a blessing in my life...Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Robin

I am glad you were able to tell him how you feel. Communication is the key. Keep it up.

I will tell you from experience I think you may still have some problems ahead. I dont think his ex his going to give up that easy. She had it made. She not only had a father figure for her son but for all 3 of them. She may want to try and force the issue with him. Please have him get legal visitation. IT will benifit all of you in the long run.


Lori

Talk about a quick turnaround.

It must be a miracle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am glad you two were able to talk openly and get started in counseling. That's great. I do feel compelled to warn you though about your current state of happiness and love. The sitch we are all in w/ another woman and a child forever attached to our marriages is a rollercoaster ride. You may be on top of the world one day and at the bottom of the pit the next. You really have to find how to ride the ups and downs and figure out what works for you to keep yourself steady emotionally. I don't say that to put a damper on how things are going or because I doubt his sincerety or anything -- I only say that because I have experienced it myself and learned that you can not allow H actions to dictate your emotions. Because there will be a day where he does something (it may not be break a big rule) that ticks you off concerning OW/OC and you need to be at a place emotionally that that action doesn't send you spirally down.

It really sounds like you two are headed in a good direction. Stay the course and follow your plans. Keep posting -- don't feel like you have to stop because things are better. We like to hear good stuff too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best of luck to you and H.

Beth