Hello all, it has been a rather long time since I have posted here. I found out in no uncertain terms that my XW was reading here when she printed off part of a post and brought it into court to be used against me. The judge wouldn’t allow it, but it was a sort of wake up call. Since then I’ve pretty much stayed away.

I don’t see to many familiar names on the boards toady, but then again it is a Sunday and this place tends to smack of a ghost town on weekends. Anyway, I have a question that I know for a fact others have faced and I’m wondering if my reaction is normal and how others may have coped. WWXW and I have been officially divorced since April 4th, which is about 16 months from when she filed and about 18 months after D-day. I have been hearing rumblings thru the grapevine (I.e.: my kids) that her and OM are planning to, well at least there has been talk of, getting married. This I have been hearing for about 2 months now. Intellectually I have been preparing. I have been rationalizing it, thinking that at least my kids (from their perspective anyway) have a somewhat normal home environment… as opposed to sleeping on OM’s couch’s half the time WWXW has them, as they do now. I know the statistics… 97% failure rate for marriages stemming from infidelity. And, on top of that, I really don’t feel anything for my XW anymore. I mean, I still care about her, she is the mother of my kids and all, but from a romantic “love” standpoint…. nope. She has done an excellent job of killing that part of me.

So, what’s the problem then? Well, today being Mother’s Day and all, I had to exchange the kids with her as the decree states she gets the kids every Mother’s Day and I get every Father’s Day. Even though it is my weekend, I had to exchange the kids with her. That in and of it’s self was no big deal, I’m happy to do it. But, being a Sunday, this happened to be a face-to-face exchange. We simply don’t have those you see. Our D is pretty well structured so that we don’t ever see one another (or talk to one another… all communication is to be written or voice mail, only in emergencies are we to speak directly), this was primarily her doing… at the point this came up in the D proceedings I was pretty much willing to agree to anything to get it over with! Getting to the point, the problem today was this. When I saw her, she was wearing what appeared to be an engagement ring. Although I suppose it could have been a full blown wedding ring, I couldn’t really tell. I mentioned to her that it appeared she had a little bling-bling there… I was merely making mention of it and not really probing for info. She looked at her hand in a sort of puzzled way and then got a weird look on her face and didn’t say anything about it. All in all the exchange went well, lasted about 5 minutes. She was nice (a major change), then ignored my existence, then was nice again, then ignored my existence again… all within the span of that 5 minutes. Kind of weird but it beats the all out bitterness I used to get!

Here’s the issue prompting me to write this post. At first I kind of shrugged it off and went about my day. But, slowly the thought of the reality of this started to sink in and it is sort of nagging at me. It bothers me. She was supposed to be MY wife till death did us part. This was NOT how I wanted to be raising my kids. At almost 30 years old, this was NOT what I wanted life to look like. And I feel as though there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change it, and there is surely nothing I can do to alter these more current events. So, how does one deal with these sorts of new developments? Any advice any of you vets? I know I’m not the only one who has gone thru this… and so soon after the divorce and all.

In my case, I told myself that the woman I thought was my W never existed and that the woman inhabiting her body was someone I would never like to have even as an acquaintance under any circumstances. It took awhile but eventually I emotionally accepted this truth and was able to finally move on with my life.

TMCM

You see, that is part of what is bugging me. I felt I was reaaly pretty much over all of this and was moving on. There have been little developements here and there along the way, and for the most part I have shrugged them off and moved on with my own thing. This, however, is kind of slowing me in my tracks... not stopping my progress, but slowing me a little. I don't like it. I want to be detached from it already. And, intellectually I feel I have. But when faced with the reality of it, emotionally it had a bit of a toll.

It bothers me that she can still have an effect on me like this.

Keep in mind that a BS's personal recovery can take 2 years or more, so don't beat yourself up for still having some leftover feelings for your STBXWW.

TMCM

I know for me that I didn't want my xWS to go on and have a happy life! Yes the odds aren't good for a marriage lasting under the circumstances, etc. But, in some ways it feels like they're getting "rewarded" for their choices and behaviors. All the while my life has been torn up through little doing of my own. I'm left picking up the pieces while they "appear" to be happily moving on.

I'd like to think of myself as being "above all that", but underneath it all...there's that little voice of jealousy, anger.."It's not right! It's not fair!"

Not to sound bitter because I'm not...the only thing left of my WWXW is the skin she shed when she left, what' was underneath I don't recognize so I feel more like a widow with no body to bury.

The only thing I can offer you here is the need to remind yourself that while biologically that woman gave birth to your kids she isn't the woman you married anymore. She just "isn't" there.

Secretly I hope my WWXW marries the MOM, well first that would mean he has to divorce his wife, 12 months after leaving his wife you would think he would at least file? I mean they are soulmates and all (lol and insert sarcasm alert)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But I know exactly how it will end. After what the 2 cheaters did to my 4 kids and his 3 kids they truly deserve all the derision and misery life can dish out, and I can't think of anything more miserable and gut-wrenching than wondering where the other is if they are 15 minutes late....how could it be possible for either to trust the other? It has to be like a cancer, slowly building and spreading till one cheats on the other before the other "does it to them" and leaves.

WWXW has ended every relationship in her life by cheating and MOM has been caught 12-14 times by his wife in 23 years of marriage and left her 6 times to live with another woman....

Now that is a recipe for something...but I don't think it is a recipe for a successful relationship

WMWB, I can certainly understand how unsettling this is for you. My ex had been out of my life for the better part of 4 years, other than one call from Florida to get information from me for the divorce and the actual divorce paperwork arriving in 2002... But when I heard he got married in July last year, it was almost like all the nearly healed scars were opened up again into weeping wounds...

Like you, I found myself thinking about the whole marriage vows thing, and about how unfair it was that he took so much from me without asking, without my consent, and here he was starting his next "till death do us part" with a big party and no consequences. It did not, of course, help that a mutual friend who was invited (and is also friends with the slug OW) felt it was necessary to tell me how SHE told him he'd pay if he hurt the slug like he hurt me... I had to wonder where was his payment when he DID hurt ME...

I still have the love in my heart for the person I married, but the man who bears his name and semblance is NOT the person I married. He is a pale and twisted clone - (for you Trek fans) he is the Evil, bearded alternate universe version of the man (I thought) I married.

Unfortunately, we may never see the consequences that are there for the wayward ex-spouse. And we have to accept that the world and life is rarely fair. That's probably been the most difficult thing of all for me to accept in all areas of my life - I am the champion for fairness, and I find I get little.

We have to make our own resolution, find ourselves and brave the world, loving ourselves - knowing that we went the extra thousand miles to make our marriage work. And acceptance of the fact that we may never see the consequences for the WWX spouse must be part of that resolution - or we won't be able to move on. Kinda sucks, but we do need to move on, or we die where we stand.

"Act as if" it doesn't bother you... put it out of your head as often as it pops into your head. Don't dwell. It's never going to be fair, and it's never going to make sense. And eventually, it will feel ok.

Maybe not a lot of solace in this, but... at least you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

Thanks for the responses, they help alot. I know what everyone is saying, and I agree... the woman I married would never, ever, in a million years have done even 1/10th of the garbage that XWW has done over the last year and a half. And not just to me, but to her own kids as well. She is not the same woman. I realize that... still hurts though.

I feel as though I have been surgically removed from the family and life I once had. And that this @sshole OM is being put in my place. They are just one big happy pretend family. I guess one of the things that is really bothering me is the whole consequences thing. They are getting married (this is still and assumption by the way... I have no confermation of it yet) and moving to a new house in a new nieghborhood, where everyone will just assume that they are this nice, sweet family that was formed under normal and decent terms. Nobody will ever know of the evil and hate and hurt that these two perpetrated on my family. Nobody will ever know the lies and betrayal. It all seems so unfair. I feel like the world should know what they've done... wherever they go.

I have no plans or inclination to go about following them around for the rest of their lives and explaining the truth to everyone they come into contact with. That would be wrong on so many levels... and just a touch pathetic. But it just feels like they are "getting away with it" so to speak. And that just burns me up on the inside! Now that I write this, of course, it doesn't sound to forgiving of me. For anyone who has read some of my past postings, you'll note that the concept of forgiveness, in a Chirstian sense, is something that I have really struggled with as it pertains to the WW and her affair. Moreover, I want to forgive them... I really, really do... I just don't genuinely feel it in my heart and soul. Deep down I think I still want them to pay for what they've done, with pain and suffering of biblical proportions. Which again would account for the angst of feeling like they are getting away with all of this.

Man, just typing all of this feels wholely unhealthy from an emotional stand point. Ugghhhhh.... You know when you have those days where you feel pretty much whole as a person again and then you realize yet another facet of your life that has been forever changed and altered from the evil of WW spouses infedelity? I'm having one of those days. Anyone else have those days?

WMWB,

what you are feeling is normal so long as you don't obsess about it. You weren't married very long and haven't been divorced all that long either, so there's been a lot for you to take in over a short time period.

When you are a BS on the receiving end of a D, so much of what happens to you is beyond your control. The XWS seems to hold all the cards and you are left dancing on the end of needle.

But you must remember that your XWW cannot control how you feel. Only you can. And for your own mental and spiritual health, you must let go. You must learn to accept what IS and not dwell on what might have been.

Whether or not your XWW's new marriage succeeds or fails is her problem. It may seem like she has it all together and that a Disney-like fairytale ending is awaiting her, but you know that that is your own self-doubt nagging at you. We all have that from time to time, but you must recognize it for what it is.

I was married for 14 years. Let me tell you, when my world exploded I was so lost. She seemed to have it all. New boyfriend. New job. Lots of tax-free money coming in courtesy of child support. I was afraid my kids wouldn't love me anymore.

2 years later, the shoe is on the other foot. But I don't really care, actually. She is someone else's problem now. I worked very hard to deal with the grief and anger straight on. Individual counseling. Going out on dates (scary as hell after 18 years with the same person). I realized that I did not need another person to validate me as a man. And neither do you.

You have been through hell. I suspect you are much stronger for it. But I worry about you wanting someone back who is toxic. Yes, she is the mother of your children, but you deserve better. And when you truly believe that you do, you will look at her with indifference, not anger, not hatred, not jealousy. When that day comes, you will be free.

Want My Wife Back,

Oh don't for a second beleive that they got away with it, because I've witnessed, many times over, the old saying 'what goes around, comes around' come out with a vengeance. She and the OM are woefully ill equipped to maintain a healthy and happy marriage and since they beleived that an affair is a totally valid way to end a marriage, there is a good chance that history will repeat itself and that one of them will dump the other for another. My ex-WW [first W] paid it in spades after I divorce her. She lost custody of the girls, attempted suicide, and when I had a fiancee [my present W] pleaded with me to give her another chance [too late]. Indeed the best revenge is to live ones life well.

TMCM

Back up the bus a second here.... I NEVER said that I wanted her back! Dude, if you only knew the psyco behavior i have been on the receiving end of from her it would blow your mind. Not only would it take an incredible change and transformation in her, including but not limited to complete and utter repentance; but it would require a pretty major change in myself as well. I don't see how I'd ever really be able to trust her again.

I know things will get better, hell they already are. My life is a thousand time better on so many fronts, most notably my relationship with my kids and with God, that I dare say this is looking like a blessing in disquise. And furthermore, I know that relationship wise things will get better as well. Actually this has been kind of interesting in and of itself. The less interested I am in dating, the more women seem to express an interest in dating me. I am just not ready for that yet.

Like I said earlier, intellectually I have been preparing for her getting married for a while now. But being faced with the reality of it kinda turned my stomach a little. It was an unexpected reaction on my part and it is bugging me, perhaps more so that I had a reaction at all than anything else.

Well, that's a relief <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From what you just wrote, it sounds like you are on your way. Guess the thing is not to panic if some self-doubt or some shoulda-coulda stuff enters your head. It happens to the best of us when triggers occasionally bring back feelings. Triggers fade over time.

Though you have tried to prepare yourself for the day your XWW gets married, I suspect you were simply taken by surprise. Had you thought to yourself, "my XWW will probably have a ring on her finger when she shows up", the reaction may have been much less.

So...don't sweat it.

Best of luck.

Actually this was exactly the thought I had before she got there. I was intentionally looking at her hand to see if she did or not. Like I mentioned earlier, at first I shrugged it off and went about my day. But the reality slowly began to creep in and kinda bum me out a little.

WMWB - here's my recommendation. Works well for me.

My XW married the guy she wasn't having an affair with - her best friends's husband - 5 months after our respective divorces.

My reaction? This was all the (remaining) proof I and others needed that they were both bonafide nut cases.

Think about it. Why marry a cheater? How much sense does THAT make? Why "marry" ANYBODY when being married didn't mean anything before?????

Within each species there has to be some less capable to make survival of the fittest work.

WAT

WMWB,

I have a slightly different take on this. I have not been in your situtation, but I have seen many acquaintances who have. Coffeeman is right, it does seem that what goes around comes around. But let me offer you something else to consider.

Most people lose a loved one in their life. It can be a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling. So your exW will eventually understand the sense of lose, even if the statistics on her marrying OM don't catch up with her, and probably they will.

There is a very famous saying
If you are successful, a good father, find and marry a good woman, make a good marriage and life with this person, when your W does lose someone, perhaps her next H, then she will see what she lost in you. Further, your children will reflect your happiness, you goodness, and your faithfulness to her.

I have no doubt, that if you live your life well, and meet your obligations as an H, a father, a human being, she will know, and eventually she will reflect on what she did. In your 20's people are not very introspective. When they hit 40 they begin to see the world differently as well as their decisions. Your exW has probably 50-60 years to understand what she did and regret it. Give it time, I am confident that she will at some point realize what she did to the "father of her children."

I think your reactions are normal. I think your unsettled state is very normal for this point in your life. I think you will find that her decision to marry this guy, if that is her decision, will make less and less difference to you.

So hang in there, acknowledge what you feel, but have confidence. She will come to understand what she has done.

God Bless,

JL

WMWB:

OK, where did you get the 97% failure rate for marriages stemming from infidelity? I always try to find out the source of those sorts of statistics.

WAT:

Great "survival-of-the-fittest" analogy!


Great thread.

But, I also belive (if memory serves me right) that the stat in question came from Harley's data somewhere. I tried to verify the number via google to no avail. I checked with another source who put the number at over 98%... but with no verifiable data to back it at this time (that is to say, nothing on hand at the precise moment I asked). I'm still looking though.

Do I detect a bit of skepticism over the number?

Yeah, I guess I'm skeptical that it would be quite so high. I hope it's accurate, of course, because my alter-ego "Revenge-Monkey" wants desperately for WxW's adulterous relationship to end. Although I actually doubt they'll ever make it to the altar.

Thanks for looking into it!

Hi WMWB,

This whole thread sounds like my situation too even though I am not quite yet divorced.Almost there.

My STBXWH was sporting this ugly silver ring the homewrecker gave him one day and naturally his Wedding band and 30th birthday ring I gave him were off.I too am bracing myself for the hypocritical possible wedding of homewrecker and adulterer and maybe even (GAG!)an offspring since I can't imagine this homewrecker,who is now 31,will just continue to be the cheaters partner without some "reward".Not many women I know in their 30's don't have marriage and family on the brain and it will be interesting to me to see if he refuses or caves in to demands.Then he will have an exW,2 children(ours) a new demanding and disgusting "wife" and more kids.YUK.Lots to contend with for him.

So,I have made it my mission to not talk to or see my WH ever again,if I can possibly help it.I do have to send and read e-mails now since we are trying to finalize this D which is taking SO long but after that is done,the e-mails will be pretty much non existent.Like you,any interaction with my WH leaves a residue of pain on me that I would rather forgo.I also believe my love has finally died a long,slow painful death.My WH was completely responsible for that and I know I could no longer love someone like that.Like TMCM said,my WH is now someone I would not even want to know at all.So sad but true.

And also like you,there is still so much to go through.Emotions.You have to accept that you may just never be over it completely.There are those that can be but it's such a horrible trauma,it stays with you like a scar.You survive it but there will always be a reminder.Not only have we all been through Infidelity but most,especially those here,have also gone through or are going through a D.Two extremely painful life crises to endure.Be grateful that you are still standing.

Anyway,give yourself a lot of time to heal,remember that YOU are the one with all the integrity,let yourself FEEL these feelings(it's the only true way they will pass,as hard as that is) and keep the Faith.It has been my strength all along and I KNOW GOD will not betray me.

O

Come on people! You guys are smarter than this!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> The stat, give or take a few points has been used for some years by counselors. There is [color:"red"] [/color] to even begin to arrive at ANY number, much less this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It is what is said to make betrayed spouses feel better...nothing more. Think about it, where is there a VALID place to gather credible data such as this? First, a single therapist could (and probably did) come up with this figure based upon their office records. But that would be laughably unrealistic for anything other than their specific office. And as you know, most couples don't seek counseling, much less all at the same office! LMAO Divorce data is valid, as everyone has to go through the courts and that is recorded. There is no place for married and then divorced previously cheating couples to be recorded!!!

Even if some organization tried to poll people, most would not give the true answer!!

Bottom line...stop believing this moronic statistic because you make yourselves look very stupid and gullible.

The real question to yourselves should be...WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Spend time on your life and stop worrying about revenge and vengence!

Personally, I've seen exactly the OPPOSITE in life. I know many, many couples that have been together for years (seem happy) and started out as affair couples. Do some investigating and you'll be surprised how many did start out that way! My x left me years ago (23)and is still married to his then affair partner. Am I glad I didn't wait around for them to "get theirs", cause it hasn't happened yet. Are you going to all waste more of your life waiting for something that may never happen?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Think about it.