LovingStep,

If you know so many couples who were apparently more than willing to let you know that they started out as an affair, why would you think that they would not be willing to let a pollster know in an anonymous poll?

If the statement that most couples don't seek counseling before divorce is true, then that would be a good indication that the 97% figure is too low. It would be logical to assume that members of couples who do seek counseling would be more responsible and more interested in commitment than those who did not; therefore, when they remarried, they would be less likely to divorce than those who were not willing to put any effort into counseling.

And why do you care about this issue enough to post about it, unless you are an OW?

Thank you all for the insights, they have been very helpful. Actually, I'm about to hit another major advancement inthis whole recovery thing. @sshole OM, who lives 150 ft. from my door, is selling his house and moving out of the nieghborhood. I too, am going to be selling my house and moving outof the nieghborhood. It was a hard decision, but basically there are not many good memories in this home or nieghborhood, and this place is awefully expensive to afford given current circumstances. So, I talked it over with my kids and they seem ok with moving. We will be staying inthe same town of course.. XWW has official custody (even though we split time on a 47.2% / 52.8% basis... her having the slight edge in time)so I won't move more than 10-15 miles from her. It would be too hard onthe kids and it would make week day visits during the school year impossible.

I think that will be another great leap forward though... not having to see "them", or drive by his house anytime I go anywhere, not having to see her truck in his driveway at 11:00 pm on a night when she has the kids... knowing they are forced to sleep on @ssholes couch instead of their own beds 150 ft. away... Yeah, it will be nice not having to deal with that anymore.

Oh, and as far as the divorce stat in question... I really don't care all that much. Actually I hope they make it. My kids have already gone thru this once and I really don't want them to have to go thru it again. I think I'd rather have the dirt bag stay married to the XWW and keep some sort of consistant home for the kids (mine and his) when they are there... I see it as the lesser of the two evils right now. So... no revenge on my mind, not sitting around "waiting for them to get theirs" or anything like that. For some reason it just bothered me that things were actually progressing that far. I'll get over it... hell, I've got bigger fish to fry!

My IC had been done wrong by her WH many, many years ago. They had small children and it wasn't a happy time. And you can bet that she carried that particular baggage into our sessions, especially when my WH came to sessions.

Anyway, her WH married the OW. After 17 years of marriage, the OW once again became an OW. She cheated on her husband and left the relationship. By that time, my IC had remarried and the kids had grown. However, it was then that my IC finally received closure. Her XWH came to her and apologized. He said that he finally realized what pain he had caused her.

Better late than never but Karma does exist.

So happy to see you have the right perspective and are not focussing on things you cannot do anything about! Moving will do you wonders. I know when I sold the family home and moved, I felt like I had a new lease on life!! Best of luck to you and God Bless.

Nell,
It's telling that your only interest and response in your post was to try and defend the lame 97% figure. No advice or encouragement for the poster and his issue. Interesting. No, I'm not an OW. I am married and have been for some years. Again, the statistic is bogus and logically can be nothing more than fabricated. It's not that tough to figure out. Tell me, where does REAL DATA showing divorce for previous affair couples exist so that all marriages and divorces are recorded? Give me that location and group and I'll send you my paycheck! ROFLMAO

As far as the people that I know about, 3 couples are family (I've got a HUGE one) 2 couples are on my husband's side, and another 7 or 8 are stories from friends. When my exh cheated on me, I began to do research on the subject. Whether you WANT to believe it or not, many couples that began as affairs last. But you go ahead and waste you life and energy hoping, waiting, being miserable waiting for your exh, or whoever it is you wish ill on to divorce. Just hope you aren't a lone on your deathbed when it hits you that you've wasted YOUR LIFE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

***Edited to remove text that XWW may be reading***


Sorry Guys....

WMWB -

Well, My XH and I didn't have any kids, so take this for what it's worth....

You are, as you recognize, in a very tough position here. You do need to figure out how to make her stick to her boundaries, but I see two very negative things for you in that. First, if you ever need any flexibility in the arrangements, you will probably end up having an impossible time getting her to agree. Of course, I would guess that may be the case already, even if you do nothing about her violating the order. And she will do it out of spite - even if there is no good reason to deny you a change, she'll probably do it. It doesn't matter at all that you had a very good reason - not wanting them taken out of school. I don't know if it's the case where you are, but I know a lot of schools consider something like this to be an unexcused absence, and if the child has more than 2 or 3 unexcused, they can't go to the next grade.

The other negative part - how it will appear to your kids. Because in the fog as she is, it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't start telling your kids things like "I had to go to jail because of daddy." They could end up having some resentment against you if you take action.

On the other hand, you're right. Letting her get away with it will probably make her think she can get away with even more.

I think the first thing I would do is talk to your lawyer. If he specializes in divorce, he has probably had to handle this exact kind of thing on more than one occasion, and may have some ideas on the best way to handle things. Just tell him your concerns about pushing the issue, and that you are trying to do whatever will be best in the long run for the kids. Hopefully, you have a lawyer that will keep your best interests in sight, and not just say "take her to court" because that means a bigger bill.

Maybe a good compromise would be to have your lawyer send a warning letter to her (because she may not believe what the consequences could be if you just tell her yourself.) Then, when she gets mad about the letter and comes yelling at you, you can tell her that she is leaving you little choice, that the last thing you want to do is risk having her put in jail, but that if she isn't going to work with you reasonably, and take no for an answer when you say that you aren't willing to change some of the dates, then that's the only means you have of getting the order enforced. And you might want to make it clear at that time that it isn't that you aren't willing to compromise under the right circumstances, but that disrupting the kids' schooling, and messing with the schedule so soon after the divorce, was not a good idea for the kids right now. Definitely focus on the kids, and don't mention at all the part about not wanting to "help" her play family.

If she knows how serious the consequences are, and you can convince her you mean it - that you don't want to do something that could result in her going to jail, but if you have to, you will - maybe that will be enough to keep her from pulling something like this again.

But you have to be prepared to back it up. In other words, be willing to try to work with her and compromise when she wants a change, and be willing to go all the way with it if she takes the kids during your time without your permission.

The whole situation stinks, of course. But you have little choice but to deal with it. Good luck!

WMWB,

Buddy, pal, listen to yourself

"So, what do I do? I don't want her charged with a felony, I don't want her sitting in jail. But I do want her to follow the F*CKING court order"

You're a Christian? So what? Doesn't matter.....it's not about you

You don't want to be an A-Hole? So what? You already are.....to her

You don't want her charged with a felony? So what? She wants to be charged....help her

You don't want her sitting in jail? So what? She has told you and shown you that she won't mind sitting in the pokey.

SHE ISN'T GOING TO LISTEN TO A WORD YOU SAY WMWB!!!!!!!!

So you 2 threw 25G in the toilet hammering out an agreement...for what exactly? So she could still do whatever she pleases?

THis isn't about you WMWB.....it is and always has been about her and her alone, it still is. Why do I say that? Because she asked, you said no (rightfully so, and you don't have to explain yourself) and she went anyway....Sounds like a big F-you to me.

It's only going to get worse if you allow it to go unpunished...

So, here's my advice, take it or leave it, it is your life.....

Go to the Police Station NOW and file a report...next
Go to your City Prosecutors office and request that they charge her formally (don't wait for them to review it on their own after you file a report, you'll be at the bottom of the stack)
Pester the crap out of said Prosecutor....
They may not charge her but Prosecutor's office will want to speak to her...why you may ask?
Because if they determine it is a prosecutable case, they will want to talk to her and get some info and they would rather scare the crap out of her with charges than take this case to court.

Something along the lines of "We know you did this, you know it is a felony but we would rather you just follow the plan, if we don't get another complaint we don't prosecute but if you do it is punishable...blah,blah,blah"

I don't know why the Police told you an Atty. had to file a motion, he doesn't. You should get your Atty. to SUE the living crap out of the city if the Prosecutors office does nothing however. It is the prosecutors job to prosecute crimes committed within his jurisdiction...period, the end. Whether they be criminal or civil and you may find searching your statues that she can be charged with kidnapping beyond the agreement terms. Did she transport them over state lines? Somethings that need mentioned to the Prosecutors office.

Any way, the whole point of this is that you aren't doing anything WMWB, your WWXW is, she thinks she is above the law. WWXW thinks she can still do whatever she pleases with no consequences....

Sooooo, if you want to continue on this way for the next 10 years or so do nothing about it.

If you really want her to follow the agreement then you really only have one choice.

Just remember bud, YOU didn't do anything, she did it to herself once again.

You have to seperate yourself and your lingering feelings from this alien. She broke the law, you didn't....

A quick question for you OK?
What if you caught your WWXW stealing $1200 from your house and she ran and you didn't catch her?
Would you....
A. Call the police and get your cash back?
B. Go to her house and wait till she got home and demand it back?
C. Say "Ahhh, nevermind, she needed the cash more than I do"?

From your letter above we can assume you wouldn't call the police, Heck she committed a felony and you don't want her sitting in jail. You wouldn't wait at her house because YOU would probably be arrested so the answer must be C?

She just ran off with something worth far more than $1200, she ran off with your kid and what's to stop her in the future? You getting angry?

Let her get away with this and you'll see how much worse it can get.

Your Friend
RebornMan

***Edited to remove text that XWW may be reading***

Good for you...do that today, don't let it sit...get the police report and see the Prosecutor Monday at the latest....

Aren't Lawyers funny people? Let her have the day, what great advice....lol

What she really meant to say was "Bugger off kid, your bothering me" You don't need that kind of attorney anyway.

This was your attorney giving advice right? Not hers? (insert sarcasm)

Bud you aren't being spiteful, you have valid reasons for doing what you do and saying what you say, unfortunately your WWXW thinks you are full of crapola. I don't see any other way to get her to comply, she'll just keep steamrolling you if she thinks she has a valid reason. Her valid reason of course, consists of "Because I wanna" or "Because I can"

How do you negotiate with that?

Good Luck Brutha

RebornMan

Hey RM, send me an email when you get a chance... there some of this discussion that I'd like to keep of the boards.

You have mail

My WxW got engaged to the OM three Months(!) after the Dv. That was 6 mos. ago. I dread the day they marry, but beleive that's the day the bubble will really burst. I'm with you--it seems so unfair. Watching them "enjoy" life while mine is tough (I just lost my job, I'm lonely, etc.). Living well IS the only option. You'd hate to be them when the go around comes around.