ok, my stbxh will be filing the papers this week. we have been emailing back and forth putting in how we want to do things. well, so far so good except for one thing. to backtrack, we are doing a 50/50 living arrangement for the one child we have together. ok fine as long as he can keep his cheesy bubble-headed girlfriend(s) out of the picture. the problem i have is that in the event that this 50/50 living arrangement doesnt fly, he's having the default custody arrangement state that he would be the primary custodian (55% of the time), and i would have her 45% of the time.
Now, i know (and im sure he does too) that in reality, it's not going to be that way. dd would be living with me majority of the time, if the 50/50 didnt work out. and he doesnt have a preference either way, whatever dd wants and is best for her. but ive already told him before i want to be considered primary custodian if all else fails.
so even tho he claims its just a case of semantics (maybe what his lawyer told him), what reason would there be for him to go along with having it worded that way? i suspect its something to help dodge sanctioned child support, if i ever wanted to pursue him for it (right now, he is agreeing to simply pay for dd's child care, clothing, everything but groceries when she lives with me, which is fine with me-i trust him to do it). does that sound right, or is there something else i should be concerned about? stbxh will be taking what we've laid out to his lawyer (i dont have one) to type up as a final draft to file this week.
anybody who may have some knowlege about the implications concerning this is encouraged to share.
i've been divorced before and just signed off to get it over with and dont want to make the same mistake again, but im getting rather tired and dont want to put up another fight and drag this out more if i dont really have to. Thanks!

“””we are doing a 50/50 living arrangement for the one child we have together. ok fine as long as he can keep his cheesy bubble-headed girlfriend(s) out of the picture.”””

OK, I don’t expect that to happen, so what is the back-up plan? How is it determined that the 50/50 arrangement isn’t “flying”?

“””so even tho he claims its just a case of semantics (maybe what his lawyer told him), what reason would there be for him to go along with having it worded that way? i suspect its something to help dodge sanctioned child support”””

HUGE RED FLAG…… DO NOT AGREE WITH OR SIGN OFF ON ANYTHING THAT YOU’RE NOT WILLING TO LIVE WITH. Again, I’m curious how it’s determined that things aren’t working out. If that default is in there, then it would be pretty easy to leave you high and dry.

“””right now, he is agreeing to simply pay for dd's child care, clothing, everything but groceries when she lives with me, which is fine with me-i trust him to do it”””

Famous last words “I trust him”. Don’t trust anything you don’t see in writing. Is a numeric value placed in the orders? Most states have a child support calculation based upon joint/shared custody, have you looked into what your state guideline’s would be? How old is this child?

“””does that sound right”””

None of this passes the smell test for me. Do you have a draft of what these are expected to say? If so, it may be helpful to share that so that some of us members of the been there done that club can offer the “what if’s”.

“””stbxh will be taking what we've laid out to his lawyer (i dont have one) to type up as a final draft to file this week.”””

I think you may be making a HUGE mistake, please either share some more with us or get legal councel.

I agree with Bill,

You need an attorney. And, no... none of this sounds right to me either.

Quick answer and one guess: Never trust anything the STBX doesn't want in writing. Guessing that if you have default of 45% and he has 55% YOU might be on hook for child support...and if his lawyer is saying it is semantics then you should be very suspicious - but that is just me. My view is you need a lawyer - at least to review the document. You really shouldn't do it yourself especially if he has one - even lawyers get lawyers!

I rarely post anymore as my D was final almost a year ago, but I do post when I have advice that may benefit another poster. I am a lawyer. I do not provide legal advice to anyone on this site - just ideas/opinions with strongly worded instructions for the individual to seek legal advice from an attorney licensed to practice law in their state.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />That being said...DO NOT SIGN THIS AGREEMENT without consulting with an attorney. It is NOT a matter of semantics. Words in legal agreements are carefully chosen for a reason. His attorney has suggested this for a reason. Get thee to an attorney before signing anything - you will only have yourself to blame when things go south....

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-3.5
Status: Divorce final May 17, 2004. Slowly rebuilding a life for me and my son.

...and, yes, even though I could have done it myself, I had a lawyer.

BB

In my state, primary residential custody determines where the child attends school. That's fine if you plan to live near each other, but not if you may want or need to move. That gives him leverage.
Also, most states now use the court determined CS calculations which are based on the # of overnights each parent has the child in a 2 week period (in your case 50/50) and what their salaries are, and also who pays health insurance. This is huge issue, so take the time and do it right. I don't know the age of your child, but child care can be expensive, and letting him pay it means that he may decide when to stop paying it (would you leave your 10 YO home alone after school?), or what he deems necessary for groceries.
Uggh. Good luck here.

I'm with everyone else here. Get a lawyer. Don't sign anything you are not comfortable with.

DO NOT SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention....

DO NOT SIGN?

I don't care how much you believe in Santa Claus, I mean what your STBXH says....

All your trust will mean nothing after it is signed,

THis is CS avoidance all the way....

all the way, I've seen it before and you'll experience it.

I have my own opinion about 50/50 custody....I think kids need one base of operations and visit from there rather than doing the bedroom shuffle...lol

RebornMan

thanks for the excellent advice everyone!
very helpful. these years with stbxh have taught me the sad art of second-guessing my own conscience.
stbxh seems to be really wanting to work this out in a "friendly" manner, and tries to assure he is not out to "screw me over" on this. he seems to want to be really cooperative and involved in the kids' lives (i have two other from 1st M), and I wanted to reciprocate by being agreeable when I can, but.......well, maybe part of me is really a big codependent weenie who just cant stand the pain he dishes out when i say something that offends him.

I really want to believe he will be true to the part of the decree that will state he IS to pay for dd's expenses, but i neglected to consider putting an actual $ amount down on the decree. good advice. I think he'll prolly pause a good while when he realizes how much is really costs every month to raise a kid. Just paying child support may actually come out cheaper--he doesnt see it that way, and threw a hissy fit when i mentioned persuing child support earlier.

Its funny what you said, newly about "what he deems necessary for groceries". I swear the man CANNOT feed the kids without Hot Pockets or frozen waffles in the house. Otherwise they are pretty much on their own.

Again, thanks for the wise words. Guess i gotta find a lawyer for a free consult, and hopefully not a whole lot else outside of that, since i am a sahm and flat broke till i land a job.
I certainly feel better now tho. You guys are great!

[color:"red"] [/color] So....RM....dont be coy....what exactly are you trying to say?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I totally agree with your opinion! Validation--YESSSSSS!!!
thanks for the boost of confidence dude!

i had a friens who signed off on him paying for half of his daughters expenses....i swear to god he got registered letters saying he owed half the cost of a pack of pencils that were bought......

let me also say---i was a single mom....i still get support for one son. this friends ex-wife was nuts!!! she signed these girls up for stuff just to be able to bill him. she went overboard with what support was suposed to be.

That's BullS - why should he have primary custody - he's the one who has a mistress and cheated on you. Go for the 100 percent!
Just my opinion.
Harold

You don't want to deal with the confrontation and pain when you tell him you want more security than he's offering?

Here's four golden words:
"Talk to my lawyer."
"My lawyer is handling it."
"That's up to my lawyer."

Did you know, in many states you can get your spouse to pay your legal fees? Make sure to save the "draft" or whatever he wants you to sign. Make several copies. I think they may come in handy later. Save the email in which your STBX tells you "It's just semantics." After all, the placement of a comma in a will can make all the difference in the division of property.

After all, if STBX and his lawyer willfully and knowingly are trying to take advantage of you.... it may pay off for you depending on your state.

Also, you do NOT want to be limited in what he pays for. You want a flat amount. That way, when child care ends, he doesn't cut his contribution down to $200 a year, what he deems is half of her clothing allowance.

In addition, you'll want him to carry a lot of life insurance with her as beneficiary until she's say 25. That way, if one of the bubble-headed fluzzies kills him in the sack, your child is taken care of. Depending on his income level, I'd ask for $1m, but take $500,000.

And I'd also say ixnay on the 50/50. Go for more custody especially if his place is bimbo city.

Look, this is a time to worry about money. Long-term money and getting taken. Invest now in a lawyer. Even if you have to pay the lawyer over a long period of time, you will come out ahead. And I do think you might be able to make him pay your attorney fees.

PLEASE NOTE: I don't advise forcing spouses to pay legal fees, except in extreme cases. For instance, when a spouse really trying to screw the other spouse.

Please get an attorney. I am going thru this right now.
I am not willing to give 50/50. I want my child to have one house that is home.
Anyway you need to go after child support. It is based on what you and he both make. If you go 50/50 your amount will be cut in half. Perhaps that is why he wants 50/50??????
Go for full custody and give him lots of visitation. Don't be stupid and never trust. Once things are in writing, it is very hard to change them in the courts. I have a friend that trusted her X and when she woke up and realized what he did it was too late. She saw a new attorney, but by that time she gave up so many of her rights.

YOU NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD. GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!@

Don't y'all love it on these "trigger" issues how there seems to be no middle ground. I guess that's what happens to issues where there are emotions involved.

Anywho, just do the right thing for you and most importantly your children. If he's a good father, stick with the 50/50 or atleast a very generous parenting plan. You were willing to do that yesterday. But in all seriousness, don't buy off on that "back-up" plan and do get all the financials worked out and in-line with your states guidelines.

With any luck at all, you can get through this with a good co-parenting relationship with your X, which by my standards is the most important thing for your kids.

All too often marital vengeance is played out using the most painful weapon of all, the children who are the only shred of innocence in a marriage.

Good Luck and God Bless.....

I'm glad it validates your ideas Psarcastick.....You do what you think is right.

You already have a child from 1st Marriage,
YOu and your 2nd husband had another,
They are siblings,
They need to be together, live together.
I agree with WMWB that kids are not weapons however.....
This isn't a case of using them as weapons, you WWH chose the path he is on without your permission, and he certainly didn't ask the kids if it was alright with them to destroy the home life they wre accustomed too.

You did nothing to deserve to wake up in a house without your children present and the kids did nothing to deserve being shuffled about and seperated for extended periods.

IMHO, go for full custody, get CS amount in writing and allow a generous visitation agreement.

You have to be strong and you have to stand up for the kids, you are the sane and stable parent here, and he is the one colluding with his attorney to....

A. Cheat on you
B. Get away with it
C. Use the child to protect his pocketbook

I have a theory that unfortunately can't be tested but maybe you can figure it out on your own since you know your STBWWXH well enough to answer....

I wonder what hhis thoughts would be on you getting full custody if you agreed to say $200 a month in CS (or some other rediculously low number)? What has he said about spousal support? You were a SAHM correct? You need to remember that the act he involved you all in is one of the most selfish things a human being can do,, and what would lead you to believe he is doing anything other than still being selfish?

My WWXW tried to come up with anything she could to try and avoid money being involved..WHY? Because that is all it's about....money, not the kids, not you or me, not whether the light bill is paid but how much money will they have left to pursue their little fantasy world.

THe rest doesn't matter to them Sarcastick....They don't believe they have done anything wrong and don't see why they should have any consequence for their actions.

JMHO but you had to ask what I truly thought.....lol

Good Luck and get some advice and do some deep thinking not just about today but 5-10-15 years from now. He arbitrarily decided have an affair and abandon your family. You want to leave it up to a person like that to "decide" what is "proper and customary" support for your child? If you allow that it will be at you and your childrens expense always and forever Amen.

That is a frightening thought.

RebornMan