Based on things I've read and heard, there is a clear difference between the ways in which men and women communicate... I'm sure there are no absolutes, but it might be interesting to compare what seem like simple statements and see what the interpretations of men and women are of those statements.

During the conversation when we rode together to the movies, we talked about lots of stuff - ex's, some of the issues that arose in our respective failed marriages, gaming, computers, cars ... I said something about how people tend to just go out and get something new when they are tired of what they have and then throw the old one away... I stated that we live in a throw-away world. He commented "I'm not a throw-away guy."

Now, he most likely simply meant that he doesn't just throw a material object out because he's tired of it, BUT in woman-speak, that could easily be interpreted (keeping in mind the entire spectrum of the conversation) as saying "I'd never do that to YOU."

Please don't think that I believe that this is what he meant... it'd be nice if that's what he meant, but it's much more likely that he meant he doesn't just throw "stuff" out because he's tired of it. But I think it clearly illustrates the dilemma women find themselves in with men because of the way WE think/interpret/communicate...

Thoughts? Other examples?

T

This is an old one I got on email, but I think it actually reflects a lot of "relationship" talks. Truth in humor.

*************

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Diane.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

One evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Diane, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Diane, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that? Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."

And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months."

And Diane is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

And Roger is thinking: ".so that means it was. let's see. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means. lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I'm wayyy overdue of an oil change here!"

And Diane is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."

And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck. and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."

And Diane is thinking: "He's angry, and I don't blame him. Id' be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, those dirty guys."

And Diane is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person - a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and."

"Roger," Diane say aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this." She says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have. Oh, I feel so.." She breaks down, sobbing.

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Diane sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Diane says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that. It's that I. I need some time." Diane says.
(There's a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Diane, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" She asks.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time." Says Diane.

"Oh," says Roger, "Yes."

Diane turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you." says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of potato chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Diane will call her closest friend, or perhaps three of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every work, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Diane's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Diane ever own a horse?"

Hi Terri,

I think that if he is a bright guy that maybe he meant both. Regardless, why not ask?

Turn to him, smile, and say coyly "So is it you that is not throw away or your stuff?"

I think the best way to communicate - man or woman is to just keep asking and clarifying until you are satisfied that you have the message right.

Sunny <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe he was just being flirtacious this whole time? You know, useing playful ambiguity in his choice of words to highten your interest???? If that is the case.... simply return fire.

In general, I'm not for playing games with regards to dating. But, I think everyone would agree that there is this initial period where you need to feel someone out before you decide to go a more direct route. Hence flirting. In this case, you two conversed... it seems he was floating enough trial balloons to peak your interest. So you went direct with him. Which, don't get me wrong, I still think was the right thing to have done. If nothing else it put you at rest not having to worry about the ball being in your court. But, given the semi-flacid nature of his response, I think it is time to pull back a little and play coy with him. I say it's time to get your flirt'n groove on girl!

(if I were gay... I'd be snapping my fingers and doing that head weave thing that gay men and black women do to convey attitude) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Maybe he meant that it hurt to be thrown away and that he never wanted to go through that experience again.

Who knows what he meant.

I think my response would have been, "What do you mean?" said in a curious way. Sometimes I ask too many questions.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

That is so true I think. It also can go the other way. The other night I tried to make sure the woman I was dating was on the same page as I. No commitment at this time etc. but as I drove away I felt like she may have taken it as I was asking her to commit to me and not date anyone else. I had to call her the next day and explain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />