I know this is long, but I have to get it off my chest. Please don't skip this post because it's so long. If you don't want all the details, skip to the last three paragraphs. It's been four weeks and 1 day since d-day. Everyone tells me that they can't believe how well I'm handling everything, but I'M NOT! There are several aspects of my story, so here goes...

1-My husband cheated on me w/ an ex-girlfriend while we were engaged, and has stayed in touch w/ her throughout our M. He says that nothing has happened since the time before we were married. He has called her every 6 months or so since then to "update her" on what's going on in his life and had lunch with her one time a little less than a year ago (while I was pregnant). I had no idea that they had been in ANY contact at all. In fact, when we first started dating(a year after they broke up), she called him to see how he was and he supposedly told her that he had fallen in love and not to call him anymore because he didn't want to screw it up. The last time he called her was to tell her that we had another child (3months ago).

2-He had sex twice with a girl from his office over a two month period a little over a year ago. He says that it was just sex, that he ended it because she was getting to emotionally attached and that he told her that he already had a best friend in me. I wasn't having sex with him often enough. He did express his concerns but only in big arguments. I always blew it off. I knew that I needed to get some type of help on my lack of sex drive, but never put it as a top priority.(I know...that's no excuse for an A. I'm just trying to give all the facts).

This affair ultimately lead to him being fired for sexual harrassment and the entire company (where most of our friends worked) knowing about the affair...except me.

3-My H has a promiscuous sexual history compared to me and I was aware of it from the beginning. I told him that I didn't want the details. We got STD tests and went on about our relationship. Well, now I find out that part of that past included "swinging" with his best friends wife. They divorced shortly after we started dating, so I was never too close with her, but it was still a shock and still makes me sick to think of all the times we all hung out together with everyone knowing but me.

Now I find out that he has stayed in contact with her too! He claims that he hasn't seen her and that the phone calls have been purely "updates" again. No flirting, no remembering the good ole days, no plans of meeting. Purely how are the kids...we just bought a new house...updates on how his best friend is doing...etc. I would have had no problem with these phone calls if he would have told me. I liked her! I would've invited her and the kids to come BBQ! Why were they a secret if they were innocent? The last time he talked to her was right after his best friend re-married (easter weekend). Keep in mind that D-day was only two weeks later.

4-Here's what has really screwed everything up. When he lost his job over the other A (in Oct), he supposedly realized how his stupidity could ruin his ENTIRE life. He was very close with my sister's H. Stupid him decided to confide in my brother-in-law. Apparently they had ongoing b***h sessions about my sister and I all the time. Well, my sister overheard her H's end of a conversation w/ my H and heard enough to know that he had cheated. Obviously she demanded to know what was going on. Her H told her, but threatened that if she told me...he'd leave her. (WHAT AN A**!) My S held it in for a long time and even went to our mother about it, until she let it all out 4 weeks ago.

Obviously, my whole world came tumbling down. I thought we were happy (except for the sex). When I confronted him he let it all out. He answered all of my questions and let me scream and yell, then cry, then scream some more, the whole bit. He bawled that he realized his mistakes and that he would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. After several nights apart and several 3 a.m. phone calls I agreed to let him come home and that I'd try to get through it. We've been in counseling for three weeks and it's going very well. We're getting along great and it's like we've fallen in love all over again.

Here's the wrench in everything. My *&%^&*^$ brother-in-law gave me lots of details that I didn't ask for and told me lots of really nice things that my husband said behind my back and how I was "plan A" and how he still had "plan B and C" on the side. I'm not sure which two of the 3 OW were lucky enough to make this list, but none the less his words are imprinted in my mind. He says that they were taken out of context, but admits to making a joke along those lines.

My H was so upset with the way my B-in-L handled everything that he let me in on a few of his secrets too. Now I can never look at my sister or her H the same again. This has tremendously affected the entire family and each individual relationship within it. My S says that there is more that he's not telling me. I didn't give her all of the details I heard about her H, but I told her that there were issues and she says that my H is just lying to get back at her H for telling. Remember....her H didn't spill the beans, she overheard a phone call and then dragged it out of him. He then threatened THEIR marriage if she told. My H understands this. Also, when she told me, she said that he had learned his lesson and that he was in a depression trying to figure out what to do about it, that he was totally in love with me, yada yada yada. When I sat her H down to get the scoop he said that my H was totally unhappy, had wanted out of the M for a long time, was probably still cheating on me and probably would continue. He said that he was not cut out for M and wanted to drive me to my house to get my things right then and there. "don't even bother talking to him...just end it now". So..if my sister got her info from her H, so why was her story so different from his? My H claims that he was trying to get me to leave immediately so that my H wouldn't rat on her H. Make sense? But what is my sister talking about? She refuses to tell me. Is her H making things up to get me to leave mine? I demanded that all four of us sit down and get to the bottom of it, but later decided not to. Somebody is lying...both of them have reason to. Either one of them could make something up about the other and I still wouldn't know who was telling the truth. The whole family has agreed to stay out of each others things for now and let each of us deal with our own marriages.

Here's the ultimate issue. Counseling is going well and I think that we can pull through this even stronger in the end, but what do I do about the images in my head? What about all of the unanswered questions. My husband swears on his dead brothers grave that he has told me EVERYTHING. He even confessed that he thought another friend of ours was attractive, but never acted on it and never wanted to. He has "confessed" about the stupidest things just to make sure that his definition of EVERYTHING is the same as mine. There's still that doubt though. Why the contact w/ the other "friends". Were they plan B and C? I have nightmares about all of this almost every night. When I get up for night time feedings for our baby it takes at least an hour or two to fall back asleep and any block of time for more than 5 minutes of piece and quiet gets my head going again.

The girl from his office hung out with me at the company picnic (after the affair) and took pictures of our kids playing together! There were probably 7-10 people at my 3 year olds b-day party in FEB that new everything and I didn't! We had a baby in January that could have contracted a disease from me because of my H stupidity! He lost his job and lied about the reason for months! One of the times was in my house! I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was four years ago because of our kids and he bragged to my B-in-L about what a hot body this other girl has! I used to have one too and I gave it up to have his kids! I gave up my career because HE wanted a family!

I re-live all of this everyday. One minute I'm doing great and the next I'm hysterical. How do I get control of my thoughts when they start spinning out of control like that? I can't keep losing sleep, I'm going crazy. I just keep telling myself 3 more days until your counseling appt...2 more days..etc. but when it comes she's already got some predetermined treatment plan sketched out for the day. ! I'm going to call her in advance next appt so that she knows what's going on with me, but she's out of town and our next appt isn't for almost 2 weeks. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! And yes...I'm already on anti-depressants. I think they are the reason that "I'm handling this so well" in everyone's eyes, but they can't stop the cycle of thoughts in the middle of the night, or in the car, etc. If anyone out there was taught any techniques on how to stop the images, nightmares, and runaway thoughts please fill me in. I appreciate anyones comments.....thoughts, advice, encouragement, anything. I just feel so alone with all of this. Friends aren't any help with this stuff if they haven't been through it. HELP! HELP! HELP!

Ok calm down. Now listen first of all you need to do things for yourself. Now what I did not realize is how I had let myself go taking care of eveyone else. You need to take care of you and the babies. Start going for walks watch what you eat. Do your hair, makeup ect. Make yourself. Next start writing down your boundries. Such as no more communication with other women without YOU knowing first. Get the book Surviving an affair/ and HN/Hn and read it together. They are great books and have alot of things in them which will help. If you read HN/Hn you both will find areas were you will see what each of you has been alcking in each other. Start working on those things. You sated he would like more sex. Ok that is a start. Leave BIL alone. He has his own issues -you have enough right now. Stay here and alot of wise people will help you get through this.

I have to agree, ignore your BIL and S for now. Why there are conflicting stories may be an issue between them. For now concentrate on yourself and follow your counsellor.

It has been four years for me and I can honestly say the anxiety and images go away over time. I cannot not think of anything that specifically helped I simply one day decided I had all the details I wanted. Then another day, a few months later, I decided enough is enough, I wanted the marriage more than the images. So I hate to tell you, but time is the only thing I know that can heal this.

I remember when I was in your spot and everyone here telling me to take care of myself and do things for myself. I thought they were nuts!!!!! I finally went to Red Lobster and wasted $60 on my self, by my self. It was amazing it actually did help, never did anything that extravagent after that, but it did show me I needed to take care of myself.

On a side not during my marriage problems I used my father and sister as a sounding board, so to speak. My sister took it really will, but my father went to my side and "hated" my wife for months after we got back together. That is why I always strongly suggest people to let there family know something is wrong, but do not use them for help since it will always turn personal for them.

lindsayrials,

I think you are not getting all of the truth and you happen to be one of those people who must have the truth in order to overcome the pain and build trust again. And when one has been the victim of several betrayals like you and me, it is imperative that you feel you have all the information you need and that no one is covering for anyone else any more.

Real healing just can't take place when you feel like everybody knows something that they aren't telling you.

Your sister says your husband isn't telling you everything. Your BIL says your husband has backup plans. Your husband claims he has told all there is to tell, but your gut says something isn't right. And the running concensus on boards like these is that the WS rarely tells all there is to tell right off the bat.

Your husband may well be in that group that will come clean in dribs and drabs over several months. Problem is, you need information now in order that you can make a logical, reasoned choice about your marriage and whether you want to remain part of it.

You had no choice when WH was out doing the ex-girlfriend or the girl at work. You had no choice when he would secretly call his best friend's ex. He has not given you choices before and now he is afraid to do so in the fear that you'll leave him and for good reason. He ought to be afraid.

If you could trust your husband to tell the truth you would not have half the questions you have now. But in fact you are aware of your husband's promiscuous past and know that he has lied to you over and over. You've allowed him to keep that shady part separate from you and the marriage and he filled his needs however he felt he could. Everything has to be in the open now. No more secrets.

I would suggest you sit with your sister and tell her everything you know in exchange for her telling you everything she knows. Maybe your BIL was blowing smoke, maybe your husband has lied about the BIL, but at least both of you will have heard the worst of the worst and you can go on from there.

Often, when the real truth comes out the WS no longer denies things but will throw up their hands and say, "yep, there's more," and spill their guts. Sometimes the quiet approach works well, too. When I felt my husband was still holding something back, I quietly told him, after a nice love-making session, that I was beginning to heal, but in order to heal fully I needed to know EVERYTHING NOW. If I found out things six months from now the damage it would do to me would probably be the end of our marriage. I could deal with the truth right now, but only if I had all of the truth.

That's when he told me EVERYTHING that he had held back.

That is the point where you have to get to. Bringing it up at counseling is a great idea. You're paying this woman. Next appointment you start the session by saying, "I have something that needs to be discussed.... I don't think I know all about what happened here and I need every piece to the puzzle."

Keep reading here and posting. Stay strong. You are owed answers and you will get them.

Hope this helps.
~ Snow

Thanks for the replies. It's been about two weeks since my original post and I've calmed down a lot. I'm by no means over all of the images, dreams, etc, but I'm not histerical about everything. If you notice the time of this post, you'll see I'm obviously still having problems sleeping. My friend recommended that I keep a journal as an outlet to vent and also to remind myself of my feelings between counseling sessions. That way I can bring it up at the appointments.

Snowbelle, I especially appreciate your post. I kind of already had one of the "tell me now" incidents, but it was only two days into the ordeal. When my S said he wasn't telling me everything, I called him and demanded that I know everything NOW. I told him that I was willing to go to counseling if we started with a clean slate and that if I found out even one more thing about another phone call, luncheon, sexual encounter, girl "friend", etc...that it would be over instantly. That's when I got a lot of the information that I mentioned before. I'm fairly confident that I got it all.

Any thoughts out there about whether I tell the OW's husband? I don't know if I would feel as strongly if I didn't know that it wasn't just my H. There's 3 men that I know of and who knows how many others. I feel like he deserves to know. She obviously didn't just make a mistake that she learned from. What about my friend who's husband also messed around with this woman? He is already on his second chance. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but one of my big things right now is how sick I am at how many people knew and didn't tell me. I will possibly be seeing my friends sister next week and I'm torn. I thought about telling her to have Tonya call me, but I'm not sure if I should. I also thought about confiding in Tonya about MY issues and see what her take is on them. Maybe then I'll know better if I should tell her. The other part of it is that I know her H probably better than I know her. He knows that I want to tell her. I have considered calling him first and telling him that he needs to tell her, or I will. What do you all think?

Hi lind,

Just a few things I would like to touch on after reading your posts.

Fisrt,without a doubt or second thought,tell the OW's husband about what she did.Do NOT give anyone a heads up about what you are going to do.If you possibly can,give proof such as cell phone bills,or whatever you have available.Your motives and honesty will certainly be in question and you want to be calm,authoritative and secure in how you discuss this.If you come across as this hysterical wife throwing gossip around,he may not talk what you say into account.But it will get the wheels spinning.You will be hard pressed to find anyone on this site that will tell you not to expose this woman.If you need more suggestions,go over to the GQII board and look for WATS Affair Exposure thread.I will bump it up for you if it's not on the first page.

Second,I am glad to hear you are both in counseling for now but I have to say,do not be surprised if, over time,your WH returns to his usual habits.From what you mentioned,it sounds more to me like he is trying to appease you for now but will continue with his serial cheating in one form or another behind your back.Now,I sincerely hope he is really beng honest this time,I would like to believe that and I do hope for marriages to be saved.But,your WH has more than just an issue with cheating,although that is a BIG one since he is a SERIAL cheater and those people rarely ever change if at all.Your WH has issues with,IMO,intimacy,respect,relationships and many other things that HE would need individual counseling(IC) for in addition to marital.This isn't just about marriage but about HIM and how is is treating you and himself and how he behaves.It is a behavioral issue.

Also to add in,I don't think I agree with snowbelle on the issue of having a discussion with the sister and BIL and whomever else right now.The reason being,in my mind is,these people have been dishonest,hurt you and withheld information.They can very well continue to be dishonest right to your face all the while looking like the concerned siblings.It's clear that you cannot trust any one person in this mess right now except yourself.If I were you that is where I would keep my focus.You cannot trust that these people would tell you everything and that it would be honest.So,the focus should be you,your kids and wokring on this marriage but all the while keeping your guard up.This is a very precarious time and you have to function with the knowledge,at least right now,that your WH hasn't changed,he hasn't proved he has just by agreeing to counseling.Many WS's have gone only to turn around again and high tail it back to the homewrecking OP.Your WH is going to have to prove to you,incrementally,brick by brick,through ACTIONS,that he is serious THIS time about stopping his bad and hurtful behavior/cheating and seek help for his dysfuction.It's means giving up all other women,afterall,he is a MARRIED man and that may be just too much for him to handle.Time will tell.

Just my opinion here.Good luck

O