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How are you doing today, - you were in my thoughts this morning. How is the pregnancy going?
-ds
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ds
thankyou very much for your kindness it means a lot.
GOOD NEWS Aussie is ok he mailed me today so I was crying like a fool. But so relieved and happy.
P is going ok but I find I am having huge mood & emotional swings ... and sooooo tired all the time ..I fall asleep in front of the PC here and at work
DS how are you? I feel from your posts you are hurting a lot ...anything I can do??
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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Yeah - I am hurting. But that's life right - we got ourselves into the mess, now patience and time will get us out!
I am happy you have heard from him - that must help alot. Is this your first baby?
-ds
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No DS not my first ..wish I was that young again though!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I have had 3 kids, my oldest is our daughter 19 [about to get engaged to a Army Officer - I'm beginning to have doubts about the women in this family], our son 18 who has just been accepted into the Defence Force Academy [which I hate but I'll support right to the hilt] and our son Peter who died. So this big bump will be our 4th and totally unplanned late life bubs ...and last as the Doc says I should not be having any more too risky for child & me. Well I got one more in at least...lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> But I have forgotten so much and going through all this ugly episode my mind has been well lets face it..a bit flaky. Intellectually I know all about the weeks and what happens to my body etc, BUT emotionally it has taken me by surprise... I guess I expected to breeze through it all... but disbetes and the A crap has hit me for six. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Hon I read your post about your Anniv this Sunday and I had a good long think about it and funny enough JL posted to you and had put down so much I was thinking may be the best way to handle it. I know your H is very hurt, angry & bitter - wants to throw his hands up and give up ... its normal Aussie did it too and really is not yet fully past it. He has times where he calls me a lot of names and storms off ...but they get less... and I try to accept it without breaking down or getting to upset. Hurts though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> DS he might just make himself scarce on Sunday so on Saturday what about starting to do some of the things JL mentioned . ... thanking him for staying even when he has so many doubts, how you love & admire his strength in doing so ... things to show him you appreciate his willingness to be there with you that sort of thing. JL said it very well I thought. Maybe ASK him if he would have a special meal on the Sunday to show your thanks etc. ..I would not'surprise' him right now. Let us know how you are going DS big hugs [[[[[DS]]]]]
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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today was a very good day..tonight is a very bad night.
He is so hurt all the time. It's no longer whether I am sorry - he knows I am, its whether he can heal. He is here because he feels he will regret walking away, but he knows he will regret staying.
Nights are very lonely as he doesnt want to be around me.
Ever find yourself so jelous of Squid, or Pat, or mrs. Rif and others. As I said in a post - I know this is about my H now, and the marriage has to wait...but it's a very lonely place to be. I know H is just as lonely, and he doesn't have to be - I am here. But he just doesn't want me.
Sometimes I wish my H was like the spouses of those above, struggling, hurt, but working on the marriage, optimistic of a future...truly loving of their spouses.
What I wouldn't give for my husband to hold me, look at me, and kiss me like he once did. To walk by and touch me, or roll over and want to make love to me.
I am so sorry. I don't know how I could have done this...I mean I know how I got there, but I just don't know how I could have thrown it all away...
Lots of prayers tonight...a new day tomorrow and I will let it be as good as it was today...nights will just be long...
-ds
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Just me again...
My biggest hurt right now is something I am trying to let go of - and it's this girl he works with - I trust him completely - I don't doubt he wont head down a EA road with her...but he told me the other night that he prefers to talk to her than me, that he is more comforatble talking about his day with her than me, and the reality of that HURTS. He says it's no different than any of his other friends (all male) but to me it is. I used to be the woman he wanted to tell his day about...I wrecked everything. The reality of him wanting to share his day with someone else hurts unbelievable. I yearn for my husband to want to share his life with me again, to share his day with me again, to talk to me again, to smile and joke with me again - just like he does with her, but of course with being in love with me.
Right now it's all a big dream...and I don't know if it will ever happen...but I pray and keep changing myself for the better everyday and hope it will.
-ds
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((((DS))))) and (((((AW))))))
All i can say is I know where you are coming from.
Some days I am still there in it, DS, but (glacially) slowly we seem to be recovering. In fits and starts. Also I know about envying other FWS on here who have Ss who seem to be the most understanding and loving partners imaginable. I am constantly amazed at their example of strength and love. I want to learn how to do live like that too.
Have you tried reading FL-T2M's threads, DS? On the days when I am sad and sorry for myself, her posts have been a shining light. Striving for personal growth and improvement, better awareness and understanding, better self esteem and knowledge, all without a parachute... she knows all about this.
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yeah I have read lots of her posts - always amazed. It's the same course I am on now ...one of growth, mostly spiritual - it's been amazing. It's just hard to accept that it may be on my own - to realize the marriage just may not make it...horrible concequence of my actions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Hi Ds & hi smur(hope you ok] ds you are so right the nights CAN be very very long ..one reason why I seem to stay up most nights for hours & hours I guess. I think its hope that keeps us going in the end. things are not that bad and yes they could be worse..a whole lot worse. When you find you may lose someone you realise how much you treasure them all over again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just had to come in here and send some love, you two are both too sweet.
((((((((((AW & Dorry)))))))))))
The queen, for her part, is the unifying force of the community; if she is removed from the hive, the workers very quickly sense her absence. After a few hours, or even less, they show unmistakable signs of queenlessness. - Man and Insects
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Deeply Sorry,
Don't think you are alone in this time. Many of us who have and are going through Recovery have experienced this limbo, loneliness, uncertainty. Give your spouse time. It is a good sign that he still is there. Try and get some counseling for the 2 of you. If your spouse needs individual counseling without you that is strongly recommended too. They are dealing with the deepest blow in their life. Disappointment in not knowing who their spouse really is...it is a time of confusion. They probably feel numb, devoid of all emotions. They are angry and can't give the affection you so seek. Be good to each other, yourself and just maintain the peace. Say a prayer everyday for strength and guidance and perseverance. Keep coming here to get some emotional support that you need at this time.
Hoping for a good recovery for you and your spouse.
Kind regards,
Gypsy Wind
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thanks guys.
Last post was at 3:30 or so, then I layed there, finally fell asleep at about 4:45, but kept waking up every half hour or so, until 7am when DS3.5 woke up, and it was time to yell down and wake up H...
So managed about 1.5 hours sleep total in small spurts in that 2.5 hour time frame.
COFFEE IS ON
But already feeling it's a new day... dreading this weekend (anniversary) - he volunteered to be on call - I believe on purpose so he may not have to be around as much - but that's okay.
I think today I will walk the kids to the park by myself and enjoy being out!
-ds
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Decided to go through my MSN messenger log, and read all the messages between Sprint and Myself since Jan 1 - he used to talk through his rough times with me - even when he was angry, and always told me he loved me. We were on such a good recovery.
It's funny as the last time he said I love you, was on April 19 on IM...he hasn't said it since. The "girl" came to his office on April 18 or 19th and then started working on April 25. That was the day he became cold and distant - it was more than his normal - having a rough spot, i need space - it was get away from me I don't want to talk to you... Since there there are very few IM, actually 2 weeks where there are no IM's at all. It just STOPPED. And we have regressed and regressed since then.
He said some great things to me during that time...he had hope then - he has none now. What happened?
I know that he started confiding in her, instead of talking to me about his rough spots...I know we all need someone to understand, to talk to, but I take my support from married friends, councellors and this Pro-marriage board, not from young single people... Ah well.
It was wonderful to go back and read the wonderful things he said to me, and read through his rough periods and saw how we worked through them, how we flirted online, how he always told me when he missed me, or that he loved me.
He had lots of rough days, but we had a goal together.
Right now he doesn't have that goal anymore. But re-reading those gave me sooo much faith that he may come around again. Patience...faith and love...all I can do.
How was your night Aussie? Did you get some needed rest?
When does your man get back?
-dorry
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Well dorry - just use AW Dorry so much easier ...lol
samo samo .... about 4 before I could go to bed ..slept ok as well as you can ..you remember whats it like when you are feeling like a the Goodyeear blimp?? Can't seem to get a comfortable position ..sleeping in the rocker upright can be easier I think >> lol
I'm not sure when Aussie will be back ... we never get much info ...most times we never know which country they are in let alone whats going on.
Through the wives network I know one of the team is being sent home, bit busted up but the word is nothing serious thank God ... his wife is only 20 and they have a newborn - a beautiful baby girl who is so cute you just want to gobble her up in hugs.
I am hoping though he will be home in time to be here when our bubs is born.
How are you doing this morning/evening? have you begun the Plan A things with your H yet?
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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Evening here - about 10pm.
Definately a kinda Plan A - based alot on what MM's thread on women and men roles.
What extention of the military is he in? What does he do. That sucks you don't know - it would be nice if he can be home for the baby's birth.
H is still at the office - chatting here and there on MSN with me. Not like we used to - but atleast he is talking to me again - thats nice. I hope he comes home soon.
I cleaned the sheets on the bed he is sleeping on, even though I want him in my bed here, he atleast deserves a clean bed in the basement. I just want him to be comfortable.
-dorry
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SASR squadron Dorry ..... from the little I get told these days because they have gone paranoid - maybe with good reason - they do not tell anyone who does what anymore, but he has a lot of time on recon and did some 13 months in Afghanistan all the while the Gov denying any troops were involved - had no idea where he was either & no contact.
Crikey I'm not even allowed to have any audio or image recording devices of him because of identification protection measures.
its like living with a ghost sometimes ,,,except this bump didn't get here by ghosting heh heh ..lol
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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ahhh - now I understand why you told me not to let sprint go down that road. He will be jealous lol. Definately interesting living with special forces - isn't it.
Well it make sense - we are dealing with very similar men...the kind that are suited for special forces - glad mine finished up his before I met him thought - I couldn't imagine what you go through.
Did you get the photo I e-mailed you of H and I all dressed up? lol.
You got one tough H there aw - not many make it like he does. Hard for you - but lots of admiration for him.
-dorry
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Dorry just keep on doing all those little things. I just kept at it even after being pushed away time after time ,, I think you wear them down to a certain extent. I guess I am at least as stubborn as he is on this .. because of the baby he says he wont be leaving BUT I'm not going to settle for that. He deserves more & well even with my stupidity so do I in the end. I mean I have really big problems with shame and handling remorse in a healthy fashion - bit self destructive I suppose - however I am working on it with a IC/MC - and of course bringing up things which let me decide to cheat in the first place. Are you having any good results from your MC? At least he IS talkign with you and thats a start isn't it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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LOL
yes I did Dorry...you look so cute with him in that photo ... but I am glad for you hes in a nice safe job.
Hey arn't those styr rifles so weird??? They feel like a toy ..they give me the creeps tho.
I think you have it right though, your man sounds like he'd fit right in at SASR ... dont tell him they are recruiting
... lol
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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Long night again - 2am - watching TV - got up and thought I would check out the forums. he got home just before midnight, had a bath and then went right to the basement.
This is so hard. Bah. I wish morning would come. The days are alot easier. lol
-dorry
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