I am new and have been reading but not posting. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

"He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing."

He also says he wants to be clean, but his actions may say another thing. Most rehab facilities preach daily of the big know big No No to having sexual encounters with other patients regardless of whether you're married or not while in treatment.

Have you read the information and basic concepts on the site? I would recommend that you start there.

Would he consider marriage counselling?

Cat

I am so sorry you have had to be come here, but at least it’s a place where you can get some good advice.
I’m not sure if I’m the best to advise on this but I can give you some starters in regards to the M, however the drugs issue should be done with a professional in the field only
Your M can recover.
Many people have done it, I'm working on it. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are very high. A lot of what I have here is from a number of very experienced posters which I have collated for you so I hope it helps.
Read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below.
You need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counsellor (see item #2, below)if that is possible, but its not actually required, just very helpful.
There are a couple of terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good.

Conneen
sending your H from the home may make it a bit more difficult to do Plan A - is it possible for you to let him come back to the family home if he wants to???
Some posters here are saying combining the MB principles with the 180 method - basically letting the WS run off and kill the A with their own actions and win them back when they are willing to listen is the best way to go...dont know - unfortunately I was the WS .. I say this about him not living with you as its hard to do Plan A when hes not there.
However with drugs in the mix only YOU can know if this was right for you. YOU need to decide whats best for you & kids.

But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful source of information for many has been the book 'his needs her needs' by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as 'HNHN') available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. Some say this book is one of THE best books on the market for helping one get to the root of "the message of the affair" (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of HNHN to this problem is that the best defence against affairs is to have a great marriage.
So that you can get started right away, while waiting for the book to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity via Q & A column link above.

The phrase "the message of the affair" is from the book "Torn Asunder", by Carder (hereinafter referred to as "TA"). Some here think this is the best book on affair recovery they have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals with remorse in a way that many prefer to HNHN. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read "The State of Affairs", (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is not so clear in HNHN.

2.) See a marriage counsellor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s should be professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don't cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC's in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counsellor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, goto the articles section above & read about getting a good Counsellor. Reading that link may scare you off counselling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start with them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will most likely always wonder 'what if' and have alot of 'maybes' if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.
In the end YOU can always Dv if you have to, no rush now you HAVE time to work on the M.

3.) If you are a person of faith, getting your spiritual life in order may be of great help and a great comfort so if it works for you then get on it.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses above - very very good, but keep in mind that we are all amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counsellor - you need the best help you can get.

Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link:
Basic Concepts

You see in a way I am using these concepts in reverse so to speak to save my M. It seems to be working. I have a lot of work to do to repair my M and be a worthy W to my H. Its not easy & its hurts at times for all involved. You can do it, I can do it & this site helps to support us while we do it.

Come & JOIN us ,,remember its not over until its over.

Good luck and start reading <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The rehab center warned him about what was going on and told him that he need to walk away from the relationship He told them to go to hell because he was tired of people telling him how to feel and what to do.

I know he says one thing and acts another way. That is why this so confussing. It would be so much easier if he could have his actions back up his words. I don't think that is to much to ask for.

Coneen,

Seems your husband is trading one addiction (drugs) for another (romance with OW). Now that he has found someone who understands his drug habit, he may have hopes that he can keept the habit and have someone who supports him in it to boot!!

I think the underlying drug addiction has got to be resolved first and foremost. You can tell your husband that you love him and want your marriage to survive and thrive, but you want to see real change. No drugs. No OW. But also, a willingness on his part to do whatever it takes to earn back his spot in the family. If he's spouting that he won't let others control his life it really means he himself is out of control. He doesn't want anybody butting in and telling him the obvious.

Keep reading and posting. You'll find help here.

~ Snow

Conneen

can you access any family support couselling for families of addicts in your area?
We have it in OZ but I'm not sure what you would have ..here it started out for gambling and just grew within weeks to various addiction support.
If you can pls consider it for you & kids.
Any news over the weekend?

Thanks for everyone that has responded. I think we are finally making some progress. I have never felt so much emotion in my whole life. Sometimes just looking at my h makes me so mad and other times just makes me plain angry. We are in marriage counseling which I think is helping. He is starting to be honest and that is what I need. Honesty hurts but it is way better than the unknown. I don't think we would go anywhere in counseling if he was not honest. He is going to a drug counselor that he really likes. She seems to be helping him. I am going to Al-non and I hope I will come to understand addiction and be able to let go of some feelings and resentment. I love my husband and want to help him as much as possible. It is just hard when I am hurting so bad. I am learning to realize that the affair took the replacement of the drug in rehab.

So sorry you have to go thorough this. You sound like you are doing better personally - hope you are.

This will take time, and it will take much work. I hope you are up to it, and I hope HE is up to it.

God be with you.

SS

I want to start plan A with my husband. Does anyone have any good plans. He is not living at home right now and I know plan A would mean I have to let him move back. I am so scared of getting hurt. He has lied so many times that I still don't know if he is being honest with me. How do I know if he is being honest or not? He is probally the best liar I know. That is so hard to say, but it is true. He can lie and you don't know he is lying. That is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now. His lying and how I rebuild trust.

I just wanted to let you guys know what is going on with my husband. He joined an out patient rehab and things seem to be going well. For the first time since Feb. I am starting to see some positive change in him. I know I can't get my hopes up but it is encouraging. He has been clean for a week and has started to open up to me about his behavior. He called the other night and told me how sorry he was for everything he has done. He wrote out a contract and signed it and gave it to me. In the contract he stated that he would have not contact with the ow and that he would not have any other inappropriate contact with any other woman in the future. He said he would not use drugs and talked about a plan in he relapsed. He promised to be honest in all his dealings and said he knew his words held no value and that he had to prove himself through his actions. I know this is just the beginning of a long road but it is a start. Thanks for all your postings. They have really helped.
Conneen