Ok. After dating xbf for a few more months, he's back to his old tricks.

My med convention for state was last weekend ...and as 2004 state prez, I had to go. Meanwhile, just 2.5 week earlier, he said to me during dinner he wants to go with me there. we get along fine...everything had been going well and poof! he pulls disappearing act again. I didn't talk to him again until friday afternoon last week.

I heard NOTHING from the man for a week and a half. I left a vmail for him a few times....the last one I left said "well if you don't want to see me then tell me..." I even got box tickets courtesy of one of my best girlfriends here who works for cbs media to go to the media box and watch velvet revolver in concert. I sent xbf an email about that one during the 1.5 week silence telling him I had them...again, did NOT hear from him at all. So I sent him a final vmail and a final email saying basicall that I'd go to velvet revolver...either with him or with somebody else...and that all he has to do is TELL me if he wants to see me or not. Just a simple fourth grade style "yes, or no" would suffice. the whole nothing was not good...

I finally spoke to him last friday as I was pulling outta town (two coworkers were caravaning behind me as we all went to the convention)...he said "why did you leave me such a mean spirited vmail? And an email too? I said that he said nothing to me for almost three weeks...that he had agreed to go and then nothing. He said this very very fogged out statement. "You KNOW how I get sometimes and I go into that place where I want to be antisocial." I said antisocial can be antisocial...you just say, thanks, but I am not feeling the love and do not want to go. You don't leave somebody hanging.

He asked who's going to convention. I said myself and a few coworkers. He knew I was staying in a lakefront suite w/jacuzzi...and that my coworkers are males, unmarried, and staying at same resort. Of course, there's nothing at all b/w them with me, just had the appearance that I am living it up. I get another call in on cell from Mike, my coworker directly behind me with driving directions, so I tell R that Mike is calling and I have to go. He incidentally told me he was "busy and had decided outta the blue to buy a house...that he was taking care of that stuff during the weekend." I was dumbfounded. Why in the heck was he buying a house? Why did he not tell me? We had discussed this months before...I was just sitting there confused holding my cell...do you guys think he's been two timing? I wonder????

At convention, there's an other girl who works around R (does same thing I do) at one of the hospitals he rounds at all the time. She's engaged to another PA who knows R and is his friend. I fully am aware of this. I stop for a cappucino on the way w/my guy coworkers and friends. I get their opinions on it (job is going AWESOME btw). Mac and Mike agree I have choice to either be down, or to put my best foot forward. I cold go to the cocktail party that night, the kickoff party, dejected and sad, wearing sackcloth, or I could dress up and mingle with (in their opinions) 2 very attractive men. I could go to the lectures during the weekend wearing shorts, my flip flops and a t shirt and hair in a baseball cap, or I could dress nicely, and actually learn..I could just sit back and relax since I am not prez anymore...or I could interact and still make a difference as I am on the board.

So I chose to appear the opposite of how I was feeling...and it worked! Loved and got tons out of lectures btw! Friday night, dressed up for cocktail party in a garden at the resort...here I was and was not alone! Heather and her finacee were there...and said hello to me, but were giving wierd looks around to my coworkers. After, I went to a late dinner with Mike as Mac had been on call and was tired from the previous week. the entourage from that hospital happened to be sitting further away, yet in clear view, of me and Mike in the restaurant later...I didn't know they were there. When H's fiancee (Rick's friend) walked by on his way to the dessert bar, he gave Mike a dirty look...like Mike was doing somethig wrong. So I KNOW he either did not know about Rick flaking out or thought I was doing something wrong.

Saturday night was the big party...we had casino night and gambled for nice prizes. I won a beach towel and very nice beach bag. It went on for four hours and I was dressed to the nine's...again, with my single buddies accompanying me...along with a few friends of mine from med. college of ga. I finally spoke to them that night, as they came and played at my blackjack table. We just talked about work, they asked how I liked my new job, and I made sure NOT to mention anything at all about R... B (the finacee) asked me "so did you come here alone?" and I said "yes, but came up with my coworkers." It had become obvious he was wondering what I was doing....

and I know without a doubt that my xbf is completely now aware of what happened in his absence. It makes me infuriated that he has to just ask a few people and can check up on me.

I have made a decision to NOT speak to R for now...not until he can behave rationally and not until his words match his actions...should that ever happen.

I am sad. I gave him the second chance. yea , I know after my divorce my lb was sitting on negative thousand...I trusted R, he first wanted to befriend me before dating me and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

I am making NO plans to contact him at all. Talking with him and sharing personal thingsd between us had become something of a habit for me...heck, I have known him now for a year and a half...so it's withdrawal for me right now. I wrote "NC" on my hand every day at work to make sure I do not try to call him. I so want to get inside of his head and see what's making him do this.

And my coworkers are holding me to the NC thing...totally supportive of me NOT talking to him. They think he has to do what I said (words match actions) or not even a peep from me.

But this still hurts.

I so thought he was the one.

Ideas...do you think he's seeing somebody also? what with the house thing?

Incidentally, am going out with next week a very cute and very single and non-committment phobe high risk ob...he even phoned today on his way to his weekend moonlight job..met him at work. My coworkers encouraged him to talk to me incidentally...

good thing is.....I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE PHASE OF MY LIFE WHERE I AM COOL WITH BEING SINGLE. I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE ANYBODY IN MY LIFE. R had become imho...a habit...a safezone...with regards to him being a guy and dating and the whole nine yards. I am going back most likely to a new practicioner program in 06 and am so pumped about that...

So....do I just continue as I am...? I do miss the person who I knew, the guy who was my friend. But life marches on....and it's pretty good other than this little glitch.

forgot to ask this...

WHY WOULD SOMEBODY NOT JUST COME OUT AND SAY THAT THEY WANT TO GO OR NOT TO GO? WHY WOULD SOMEBODY JUST NOT TALK FOR A FEW WEEKS WHEN THERE'S NO ARGUEMENT OR ISSUE AT HAND?
????

Peachy,

Have you been over on the Passive-Aggressive thread yet? Sounds like him. Unless this is what you want to continue to deal with, you may want to move along.

Dobie

Oh, it's on "In Recovery" if you want to peek at it.

Dobie

I once dated a guy like this, and I too had thought he was the one. I ended the relationship because he would disappear for periods of time, make commitments (like meeting me in Aspen for skiing) and then he would vanish for awhile. When he did show up again, he'd act like nothing had happened, and wouldn't even acknowledge that he had left me waiting all night for a no-show.

I finally mailed him a letter as I left town (for Aspen) saying I didn't want to see him anymore if he couldn't follow through on his promises. I was done being stood up without even the decency of a phone call. I had to write the letter because I couldn't find him to talk in person.

I felt awful for awhile, but think it was the right thing to do.

IMO you can't change these guys. I don't know if they can't handle commitment, responsibility, or are afraid of their feelings. I think the only choice the rest of us have is whether or not to deal with their absences and avoidance.

Good luck to you - I hope your guy gets his act together.

thanks dobie and deja...

George Carlin once said that he had experienced vuja de...or the uncanny feeling he had done something before...

I think I am having that w/rick now.

wow...passive aggressive you say? Hmmm. I was more thinking conflict avoider or serial cheater...

can somebody give me a distinction b/w passive aggressive and conflict avoiders?

Or do you guys think he's a serial cheater...

I am still in a quandry over his sudden jump at buying a home...does it sound like something a single guy would do? Hmmmmm. I dunno anymore.

Tis a strange mystery.

I used to believe I knew him so well.

Peachy,

The conflict avoidance is part of being passive aggressive. He can drive you absolutely nuts without doing anything, then get sulky because you "overreacted" and were mean to them.

Jerks have a system for finding the right women. They're perfect when you start dating. Then they start pulling little crap to see if you tolerate it. If you do, they move onto bigger crap. The one who puts up with the most crap is therefore the perfect woman for them. It's kind of like the raptors in Jurassic Park when they systematically tested the electric fence for weaknesses.

I don't want you to be perfect for this guy.

Dobie

There is a difference between:
1) someone who knowingly pretends to feel a certain way but is really stewing inside; or someone who has no intention of doing what he said he would do, and may even be deliberately setting you up, and
2) someone who agrees to do something because he doesn't want to upset you by saying no, but then can't follow through.

Here are some scenarios - pretending I'm either passive aggressive - or a conflict avoider, and how those might play out.

If I say I will do something, and don't do it - you are stuck either doing it yourself (and figuring out how to deal with me about that), nagging me, or doing without whatever I was supposed to do. If it's something important that has to be done, you can see the spot I'd put you in: lose lose - right? That's passive aggressive. Sometimes it is used to control others, because the ball is in the court of the person who made the promise and is not following through - yet YOU have to initiate the conflict in order to get that person to honor his commitment.

If you initiate the conflict, the passive aggressive person is likely to lash out at you for not "trusting" him to do what he said, for making unreasonable demands ("you just expect me to drop everything and do it THIS MINUTE?") or not accepting his "help". Blaming the victim in other words. Sometimes that person is counting on the fact you won't bring it up - leaving him in control - or you will bring it up and can be blamed for being a nag.

But if I'm a conflict avoider, I probably said I would do something because I fear your disappointment if I say no. I might in reality be delighted to be off the hook. Instead of trying to control the situation, I might be thrilled if you offered to go ahead and do it yourself. As a conflict avoider, I am not after control or some subtle revenge, but only trying to avoid your displeasure.


This seems like a pretty big move to be making just out of the blue. Is this a way of creating physical distance? "My" house... is he that secretive about his plans? Why isn't he talking about where (or if) you fit into those plans? This sounds like he is trying to create distance but won't be honest and open about it, and doesn't seem to be opening doors to discuss it. When someone says "I'm going to do this..." he does not sound willing to share his reasoning with you. Surely he knows this will raise questions in your mind - but he isn't forthcoming in sharing his thinking - and isn't giving you an opening to ask either. So, what do you do? Prod? Pry? Pretend there is NO elephant in the living room?

I have this thing called the "Feels Funny Flag" that I and some co-workers came up with to express our intuitive sense that something was wrong.

When someone takes a major action like buying a house - and it was totally out of left field - this raises my FFF. Either the person is totally impulsive, secretive about plans and desires, or ??? I don't come up with any explanation that I personally would find acceptable. It either reflects on the relationship, or on that person's willingness to be open and honest with me.

Sorry - just my opinion. Maybe there is a reason I'm overlooking.

Peachy,

Don't want to threadjack, but I have a thread on GQII about Recycled Relationships and was wondering if you could post some of the stuff you went through. I seem to remember several of those incidents in your case.

Dobie

wow...more stuff to take time to digest in me wittle bwain.

as far as the "jurassic park fence theory"...he IS as smart as a raptor. And yes, he did seem a bit angry and defensive that I left the email saying this: (here is my email to him)

PEACHY'S LONG EMAIL TO XBF WONDERING "WHY?".....
R-
ok...you're either mad at me (for what in the hell i know not about), or else you don't wanna talk to me...or something wierd like that. I don't know.
Left you a few vmails this week...nothing.

and yea, my buddy, Cara, who is a publicist now for cbs here in atlanta, can get me into just about any event that's going on these days...and damn good tickets for them too (she had pit passes for me at the last big nascar thing, but michael david was not feeling too good so we couldn't go..could've met J. Gordon...bummer). I called her and asked if they were good tickets, and she said "what...like I've ever gotten any bad tickets for cbs?" They're usually box seats, or right up front, near media section (last concert she hung out w/people from 99x and sony records .) or something.
I like velvet revolver. ...heck, even md loves them...but I am NOT going to that w/a six year old...so I am letting you know that there is ONE remaining ticket in my possession. You may use it, if you are going to be nice that is...and if not, then I will still be going to that either way...

so being that I am a very very very very very very very nice, UNDERSTANDING, and all around good girl who is giving you almost every chance in the world to be nice also...and I must admit, after not even hearing from you after my granma's stroke, is (my usual sweetness )wearing much more thin these days and made me almost wonder if I should even speak to you at all. but as since I've known you as long as I have now and know that if you are mad or have something to say that you say it, I will not myself be pissy in return...maybe you're just doing that "man going back into his cave" thing...

so I can make this rather simple, despite the fact you believe me to be loquacious, but in reality is just part of my being blessed with lots of alacrity ...you may have the ticket if you want...

and if you want to go to the convention(as you said you'd go last week) and just do nothing for 2 days in the mountains with a kick a$$ lake view, then you can also...

but if you do NOT want to go to that, then let me know...especially

if you do NOT want the v.r. ticket, then you can also let me know...

because I AM going and I am going to see scott weiland as I haven't seen him since ..I think it was 94? saw s.t.p w/friends from uams. and I thought he was kinda hot...until I found out he has certain "habits". but he still rocks.

if we were in fourth grade, I'd pass you a note and you could check either the "yes" box or the "no" one...at least that's how we did it in fourth grade..life was much easier back then with regards to guys.
____________________________________________

ok...that's what I wrote to him last...since that time, the day I was leaving for the convention (last friday) was last time speaking. And yes, he was a bit angry at that email and another voice mail left (basically resounding the issues I presented, yet much less wordy, in the email.

He was short, and not at all talking to me like a man delieriously happy at his first home purchase. Why the secretiveness? I am leaning towards that there may be something somewhat sinister...another girl? That maybe he had been seeing somebody else all along? Why in the world would somebody who had been your friend, an advocate, somebody who used to be there for you dissappear outta the blue?

I think he IS at the least passive aggressive. And yes, I would assume that my email and vmail would have infuriated a true passive aggressive male.

Since that time, absolutely no word. Nada. Zilch.

It is like it's an alternate universe or something.

Poof...he's gone. and for 3 weeks now. It makes no sense. Only thing which would make sense is he's been double dealing and he's about to get caught up with....

Or could that just be the "old peachy" coming out...the suspicious peachy that dealt with a horrible guy like darth vader for two horrid years of adultery...? I swear, I want no part of that stuff anymore. I have grown and am beyond putting up with any lies or cheating whether married or single...or from a friend or partner or relative. I have ZERO tolerance for that now.

But wouldn't the passive aggressive type person attempt some sort of engage by now? I mean, if they really get off on passivity, wouldn't 3 weeks be long enough if they want to get that "passive aggressive" high or something?

Maybe it is a means of control. I could see how it is. But how can he be in control when I don't put up with this crud? Is it an exit thing? I mean, he is open enough w/me and has been in past where we could both agree on things...even unpleasant ones...such as our mutual breakup of last fall...He was able to speak about such things then and seemed ok with it.

I may just think he is wanting to be superior, or in control....and I am not one easily controlled, or at all. At least, I do not want to have somebody try to control me ever again.

Maybe I should give him a nickname now...he's almost earned it...we could call him the "p/a P.A." that's actually quite appropriate.

gotta go for now, I am off to go and get a manicure/pedicure and for a short while, not deal with this stuff...am definitely going out w/somebody soon...probably C, the cute guy working and moonlighting this weekend in chattanooga in high risk ob...talked to him after my afternoon run and he was working (had woman in labor w/preeclampsia, which I had with my son). I was a bit concerned when he said he might be moving to chattanooga when he finished fellowship...but then he quickly said he'd consider all options before up and moving...so he is open and not afraid of stuff the p/a PA is...

I just thought when I was divorced from Darth this crap would just go away and I'd never have to deal with negative stuff ever again.

I'd love to have the time to post and repost my stuff...but I am just gonna fly low under radar since my dating life above may have accidentally included a name or two.

Peachy...

I hope you don't mind my being rather blunt, but I'm going to just say this anyway...

You seem to be either very "on" or very "off" toward a guy - pretty much any guy - at any particular point in time. When you're "off" you have a way of saying things rather...pointedly, I'll call it. Any guy with a bit of an ego problem is likely to react in a less-than-penitent manner. And at the very least, he is bound to find your changeableness to be disorienting.

And you seem to have a tendency to over-analyze. Even I, who analyzises everything to absurd degrees all the time, am sometimes stunned by how many flights of fancy you take in guessing what might be going on.

I am pointing out these characteristics because I am afraid that they are generating a lot of "noise." See, the fact is, even when I make allowances for this guy R, the PA, getting his back up when you push his buttons, I cannot avoid concluding that he is not such a great catch. He has repeatedly shown himself to be inconstant. His actions fail to line up with his words all too often. He has exhibited some downright disturbing (e.g. possessive) attitudes. Frankly, I don't care whether or not he's passive-aggressive. Personally, I suspect he's just immature, but either way it doesn't matter. You've come up with some semi-paranoid possible explanations for his behavior, but why on earth should the reasons matter?

As far as I can tell, you've given this guy more chances than he deserves. And I'm thinking that you've given him more chances than is good for you.

Gnome,

thank you for your words, but I disagree on some things you have said:

You seem to be either very "on" or very "off" toward a guy - pretty much any guy - at any particular point in time.
P: Not so true...things have gone well with him since feb. until recently. And I don't usually post much unless it's about a question or something that raises my own red flags about somebody...

When you're "off" you have a way of saying things rather...pointedly, I'll call it. Any guy with a bit of an ego problem is likely to react in a less-than-penitent manner. And at the very least, he is bound to find your changeableness to be disorienting.
P: I am not changeable...He knows me and he's known me for over a year. I think my email was decent considering he acted rather strangely and unusual...and my girlfriends here were much more "pointed" than I was to him...He knows I am not anything but who I am...and that it takes alot to get me angry. My buddies know this too well also. I'd think any normal girl would be "changeable" as you said if the person they've been seeing on and off for over a year would behave this way without any provocation at all.

And you seem to have a tendency to over-analyze. Even I, who analyzises everything to absurd degrees all the time, am sometimes stunned by how many flights of fancy you take in guessing what might be going on.
P: I think I am asking any questions anybody out here new to the dating world again would ask...it's wierd in fact how sombody does disappear outta the blue. It's downright bizarre. It's not really a flight of fancy to think that somebody might just either play you or lie to you...I mean, we have lived lives where others have indeed done this. And it's funny, but with my girlfriends, I can spot it a mile away when in their lives, somebody is less than honest with my friends. I was asking a question and got some responses...and they're good ones...he is either a passive agressive or conflict avoider...and I am adding simply that maybe this whole non speaking thing and home buying might simply be that he'd been seeing somebody else...that's not too far off.

Alot of the time, I didn't post b/c I want life to be quiet...I have questions from time and time again, and want answers.

I know that I did nothing to bring this on...trust me...he began behaving wierdly last fall when we were dating exclusively...yet briefly exclusive. He was imho, scared of committment...and yet now his actions scream the same thing, but he's buying a house? Most single guys in atlanta do NOT buy homes.

I don't think that's a stretch if you lived here and knew the ways of the single atlanta male. Most I know live either in buckhead or midtown or dunwoody...and live in either apartments or condos or townhomes. They do NOT want added responsibility...all the single guys I know who do buy houses...have either finacees or steady gf's. That I do know. Two of my closest girlfriends here both immediately jumped to same conclusion and they are the ones who first put that out there for me to think on.

And yes, gnome, you're right about me giving him too much time. I think a bit of space is good. He knows I am and have only been kind to him...my vmail and email was only after he made plans to go with me to the convention and then disappeared...during which time my granma had a stroke back home and was very hard for me...luckily, my other med friends rallied around me and helped me understand what was happening and what I could expect (she practically raised me and my sis)as gently as they could. He was nowhere to be found. Probably my pessimism, originates from fact my xh would disappear for several days at a time and would be (now I know this) passive aggressive with my asking him where he went (during affairs) and him getting all mad that I got into his business...again, that is a normal situation (asking where somebody goes )and getting a negative and angry response to a normal question. It's hard not to jump to any conclusions when I lived this with that man (xh) for 2 years.

I guess what is hardest to just understand is why wouldn't somebody just level with you? Either good or bad. That's what I do. I level with people. If I cared enough to date somebody more than say five times, or even cared enough to go out once, I'd be honest with them if I did or did not want to see them again. Honesty is much more simple if you approach it head on. I don't know how hard it is to simply say "you know peach...we've had some good times, and we can remain friends, but I don't see us ending up together." How hard can that be? Or even a simple "this is not working for me" is better than nothing at all.

In retrospect for any plan B'ers out there surfing the dating and divorced thread...I guess you're going dark does make the other party wonder what in the heck you're doing.

needless to say, I am just trying to understand how a friend could do this to me. And becoming as busy as possible taking my mind off of it. It would be different had we not been around each other for so long...even when we broke up, we saw one another almost daily...talking and always friendly. Never saying anything we would regret to each other. Incidentally, I do not regret anything I said to him in either vmail or email. I spoke the truth. He needed to know that I was going to move on either with or without him...and that is the kinda woman I am.

After going thru so much more with my xh, I guess I am able to just call it like it is....I want to be treated as I treat others. I don't think there's anything unique about expecting somebody simply telling you the truth...whether the answer is yes or no. It is disturbing when somebody does neither and literally disappears off the face of the earth.

So Gnome, you're both right and wrong on this one...but I am in complete agreement w/you that I have given him too much time...

Now he's got all the time in the world to figure this one out...alone.

If he wakes up and decides he will match his actions w/his words, I will talk then. If not, I am moving on...heck, I am already moving on. Maybe you are also onto something else...I may be suffering from a bit of pessimism...I mean, you said I am either positive or negative to somebody I date...while that is not completely true, I do find myself wondering when they are gonna screw up. Again, most likely a negative side effect from dealing with my xh...

guess am going to work on me more...nobody is a textbook and I try like heck not to treat anybody w/predisposition...but guess sometimes your past makes you a bit wary of others.

A bit safer than walking around wearing the rose colored glasses I wore say five years ago I think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hmm. Peachy, I don't think I communicated very well.

When I called you "changeable" I didn't mean to imply that you were fickle or that you acted inappropriately. What I meant is that from my limited vantage it appears that a guy - especially a relatively insensitive and irresponsible guy - could easily be going along thinking everything was just fine, only to get blind-sided by multiple caustic barbs coming at him. That's the sort of thing which has a high probability of eliciting an unhelpful reaction, no matter what the circumstances. A gentler approach would be a mild query like "What's up? I haven't heard from you in a while" which might feed into a serious conversation about assumptions and expectations regarding communication and accessibility. One of the dangers of using the barbed approach, especially if it comes without warning after a series of mere polite pokes, is that a guy might be tempted to dismiss the assault with the thought "Oh, she's just in a snit again," and not take the underlying problem seriously.

When reading these boards, I try to imagine what information might be omitted, and what other viewpoints might legitimately be possible. The problem I have here is that it is hard for me to believe that the barbs aren't justified; anything less doesn't seem to get his attention. Worse, even then he doesn't seem to learn, which to me implies that he's either not willing or not able to change his behavior into something approximating maturity.

Regarding the over-analysis, I'm not saying that your questions aren't legitimate, and by "flights of fancy" I'm not trying to imply that you are imagining absurd scenarios. I'm merely trying to say that you have insufficient data on which to arrive at a conclusion regarding the cause of this guy's behavior, which leaves you with nothing more than speculation regarding something that doesn't matter anyway.

At some point, it's just healthier to stop speculating and draw a line. This guy's had plenty of chances, and he's screwed up more than enough times to make excuses ring hollow. You have repeatedly seen behavior that bothers you - behavior which for whatever reason resembles behavior with which you are already far too familiar from your marriage - and there is no indication that this behavior is ever going to change. You say "After going thru so much more with my xh, I guess I am able to just call it like it is," but frankly what worries me is that whether or not you're able to call it, and whether or not you do call it, you've let this guy get away with it repeatedly! And even now you don't seem to be clear on whether he's got more chances coming. You said "If he wakes up and decides he will match his actions w/his words, I will talk then." Well, words are cheap. He can say he's decided to do that, but you'll never know whether he means it unless you give him more time. And if it turns out he didn't really mean it (again), but then he says oh-but-this-time-I-really-really-mean-it-cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die, what then? Are you going to give him yet another chance?

You're worrying about your past making you a bit too wary, but I'm more concerned that you aren't being wary enough.

On the house thing...well, I am not going to speculate. I'll just say that if I were seriously interested in a woman, and I were seriously thinking about buying a house, there is no way I would leave her out of the planning. Take that for what it's worth.

We talked in february at length over the prospect of him buying a home...with him saying at end of converstion, I will show you soon which one I am leaning towards...he even went into great detail of going in 2 homes he liked...but alas, he was communicative then.

And you're right. I have given too many chances. One thing about him, he will usually come out and say what is going on. and this is waaaaay out of character for him...the nothing part. that's what led my girlfriends (2 of whom know him) to jump to that conclusion about him possibly seeing somebody else...they do not know anything to confirm it, just a gut instinct.

am home tonight studying online...gotta take a test in october for a board.

But no...he will not be off the hook even if he does SAY he will match actions to words...as for now, I am just doing nothing...kinda like what he's doing. My old counselor a few years ago said that it's most likely to illicit a response from somebody (then, my wh) if you mirror their actions. It is a primitive thing to do, but good imho. So as he is, I am not going to talk either. And yes, gnome, I was very kind in originally calling to ask "hey hon...what's up? Haven't heard from you in several days...you still planning to go to the convention?"...I was not anything but nice.

Makes me agree with the whole passive/aggressive behavior. Of course, there's my best girlfriend who has a whole additional spin on the issue...she thinks he HAS met somebody else...and is dating them now to see what's going on...and is keeping me in the dark until he figures out what to do...as she said "yea, he's counting on good ol' peach to be friendly and forgiving...and to be there always for him." But alas! I have read here and learned what to do and what NOT to do...I don't think I lb'd by sending the email or the vmail...not at all. I think I was just stating facts. So he knows what is up with me. He now has a choice. He can be a coward and just walk away forever...which means I continue moving on and ahead...or he can call or talk and let me know what's happening in his brain....but either way I move on ahead...with or without him.

I admit, this friendship/dating has become a habit for me. It's easy to fall for someone when your lbank is on negative ten quadrillion. I have noticed a pattern in my life however...and that is 2 be attracted to men who are a bit of a challenge. That factor must be present....then again, I recently read a thread somewhere that talked about four points which make up the whole "in love" feeling...one point is "you want what you cannot get..meaning you think you can't get that person"..and another is "having distance b/w yourself and the other person"...I guess that explains alot of it with me.

I can say that it was completely reversed when he first met me and chased me for months on end. So I guess I will just keep on moving ahead...and coidencially if it happens just so that I am doing those two things...it can't be all that bad.

Trust me gnome, I am not letting anybody off the hook. Personally, it would take a huuuuge character in him to be able to recant anything or just sit down and explain his behavior. I hope he could. I used to believe he was the most up front and honest guy I knew. So I am not going to do anything but move on...time shall show if he is capable of being that man anymore.

It is getting easier I might add...to not do anything about the NC thing. In our last conversation, I left things on good terms. I was kind and good to him. Left him with a positive impression of me...and I know over the last year and a half that he never held anything negative or resentful against me. So...I will be rather darkish...for infinity...talked with a mb buddy..and YES..it would seem we can do a dating modified plan A or B if we choose to do so. As for me, I am just trying to break the habit of communication with him. I guess communication and affection are two seriously delinquent EN's I have. My work fulfills many of my EN's...and my precious son does also...but as for romantic affection, it's been very delinquently low as of the last 3 weeks.

So no GNOME I WILL NOT let him off easy. It will take a real man to make amends on this one. And if not, we'll know he isn't made of the right stuff...

Went to get my nails done, tan, etc. I am going to watch a makeover video in a few minutes...after studying a bit more that is. What a freaky wild saturday night for me huh? lmao.

I also have a computer question to ask...I still have my online dating profile back up (for last 2 weeks)...my best girlfriend was over here yesterday and she pulled it up to "tweak" a few things (add a photo of she and I having lunch together...)She noticed that I had tons of people viewing my profile (my service shows how many people have taken time to read my profile, wink, email etc). She said that the number of people who have read my profile is disproportionate to the number of people showing (I get to see the profiles/short ones of those who have viewed me) they have accessed my profile. It showed approximately in two days that 239 people had accessed my profile and you have to be a member to do so...but over 100 less people's profiles are missing...I do not see the profiles of the remaining 100 or so who have accessed my profile...if a member has theirs hidden, it will say profile hidden...

and incidentally, my xbf had his up a while back on same site...my best friend thinks he's been accessing my profile somehow. I dunno...either that or else the darn system is broken.

incidentally, my best gf here has a masters' in computer programming..but she is stumped on this one...she is also one with the conspiracy theories on r....but an awesome and supportive buddy...

we're having brunch tomorrow after a morning jog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I just took all 'em down. I am taken ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. That's solve my issues of who is accessing mine. One thing I know of Match.com, if they have a link to your pofile and you hide it when they click on it, it count as one even they won't see your pofile but a message saying that your profile have been removed/put in as private.

-rh-

EGADS! Is Redhat taken? Wowie zowie!

Ok...I need to clarify here redhat.
1)My profile is up for whole darn internet universe to see...
2)I can see who has viewed my profile. There is a section I can click on which says "who's viewed me"
3)There are about 100 clicks which do not show up on "who's viewed me". I see quite a bit of guys...but not the whole number of them...over 200. You can only view profiles as a member.
4)The xbf has his up. But no activity from him in 3 days.

My best friend seems to think that my xbf has accessed my profile...but is there a way for him to do so without him showing up under "who's viewed me"????

This is the explicit quandry.

Help me O Computer King!

Egads! What am I missing here? What (and where) is this profile you are talking about? Is this part of some dating service?

I don't think I'm ready to do this yet, but am curious about the options.

I am on match as of now...my girlfriends here decided that I was ready for it a few mos. back...ignored it for a while, got off of it, then got back on a few weeks ago when the "communication situation" reared its ugly head again with xbf.

Day 8 of NO Contact! I am standing firm...and being a study goob studying all this time online...and trying NOT to surf MB as a distraction...I keep hitting pause on the tutorial...

just got email from my buddy...hers's my plans for tomorrow
1)study
2)get up and go jogging with her
3)we go to brunch and eat egg white omeltte
4)we go to mystic tans (get a safe uv free tan)
5)I come home and clean house a bit...
6)I go to loew's and get a few house plants and stuff 2 make backyard cute again.

That is sunday for me. Next sun...I am visiting an Episcopal cathedral w/my son...we are trying it out...many of my friends love it there...very freeing spiritually. Plus they have this wonderful maze like garden where you basically pray/walk/think until you find your answers...what is that called again? Labyrinth or something?

I am no longer gonna study...time for zzzzz.

Yeah, as soon as my GF asked me to be exclusive and committed I deleted my profile at match/yahoo/eharmony. Our LB$ are over flowing ... heheheh. Our top ENs are exactly the same just in different order <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> . We plan to show up at the next MB weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .

Match has that feature not long ago and they are famous of having bugs as a feature :P . The other 100 probably have taken down their profile ... and match has taken away the feature to refresh the counter a while ago. So one of them was mine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ... lol!.

yo, deja ... when you are ready, go for eharmony. They are "a match maker" rather than "just a database of profiles".

-rh-