Just had one of the most theraputic mornings ever. After H walking out to get gingerale at 2:30am...and not coming back, and phoning me at 5am...and a nasty conversation that took place where he told me he wasn't going to ever recommit to us, that is was too late, and he would stay for the sake of the kids, but our lives must be seperate (OUCH) ...he drove home at 7am - when he got home, he held me. And told me, ever feel like you just gotta get it out?

He told me after he said all that to me, on his drive home, he thought about many things and he realized he would regret not working on this, and will try to keep working, even when it hurts instead of being a sh*t. He realized he hadn't been working on US, but just on HIM.

He has been going to a singles forum, where he helps them all out. Many have worse problems than him. He will be continuing to go there, but asked me if it can remain private to him. I said that is fine, I appreciate him finally telling me what he has been hiding.

I asked him to come back here, but after the night I thought he was having an affair, and some of the comments made, he doesn't feel comforable coming here, and that this can be my refuge, and his refuge will be the singles place. He assures me that alot of them are pro-marriage, and not there by their own choice - what can ya do? He needs a place to talk and get support too. Not the place I would like to see him, but I can't be a controlling wife anymore like I used to be.

He also told his Mom, who was pleasantly very supportive - had a good chat with her this morning, and she is going to pray.

Oddly enough, she said the same thing my Dad says - that H needs God to talk to him and heal him - I told her I know and I agree, but that's not for me to tell him, I am too new in my journey - that is for maybe her and my dad and God to work on with him.

But we all pray. I am looking forward for MM to hurry up and finish more about the woman's role in the marriage.

I have had 0 hours sleep - so that is 4 hours in 3 days - SO tired. H is crashed in our bed right now (NOT THE BASEMENT WHOOHOOO and we had a little fun this AM too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) And I am off to take the kids with me to church. VERY tired today...

But H telling me he wants to work on this finally is the BEST anniversary present I could get.

Happy Anniversary to me today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know we have had these highs before...and then we go low again, but I feel that bit by bit we are making progress and I love these highs...I can hang on to them during the lows.

-dorry

Wonderful news ds! PTL! And Happy Anniversary to you! What a blessed anniversary present!

oh Dorry
I am so pleased for you!!

I even had the sniffles, must be the darn pollen, I told you not to give up!! Listen to big mama <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

yep there WILL be ups & downs and screaming matches its called the roller coaster I guess for that reason.

Everyone says it takes time I guess it does
I dont think it gets easier, but you can be more hopeful and determined to work it through.

I have read so much here especially from the male BS - for obvious reasons - and it seems to me you can through days of good communication & out of the blue lots of anger - many triggers - and it feels like is all back where you started . But I dont think it is.
I look at it like lancing a boil, gotta get the poison out for it to get better ....if that means Aussie has to swear at me or call me ..well whatever.. I'll take it..after all I did a lot worse.

Well back to household goddess I guess ,,& bed for me ..I said I would work tomorrow ... silly cow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

... now dont do anymore driving until you sleep ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

[[[[[[Dorry]]]]]]

Dorry,

I was hoping you would post your update sometime today.

This is the first bit of progress we have seen from the man in ages. . . he is finally opening up to you! Oh, thank God, this is awesome, just awesome news.

Is he feeling better from whatever had him up at 2:45, puking?

~ StillLovingHim

Hurting over me was what had him puking - he just wasn't telling met that last night.

GREAT sermon at church about anchors that hold us down from have better lives - anchors that grow bitter roots and how we have to dig them out - let go of all resentment, anger and bitterness, or we can never live as God wants us to.

Brought home coffee and bagels, but H is still sleeping - he has been up for days too....

i am trying not to get my hopes up too high right now, as I know his lows are like black and white and can come at anytime. But atleast i can sleep tonight! lol

-dorry

Happy Anniversary, DS and Sprint!

I wish you many more...

Me and my friggin big mouth - why can't I just keep how I feel to myself. We had a pretty decent day - but i couldn't let some things go on how I was feeling - probably due to lack of sleep... Why can't I just keep my mouth SHUT. There were no DJ, just how I felt about him having his own private space. He said in the beginning that we had to have total honesty between eachother - no hidden. And he told me it's not the beginning and he deserves his private space...this is in reference to the forum he goes to. Why can't I just be okay with this - why the crap do I have to open my big mouth - why do I make things worse. Today was the first day he has held me in so long...why can't it be enough - god I need to get some sleep - because lack of sleep is becoming my WORST enemy.

Sorry for even rambling - I must sound like an idiot. I need to go do some praying - maybe I will have a bath.

-dorry

-dorry

I know why...because I am desperate to know how he is really feeling, and he wont tell me. that's why I am struggling with this.

It comes in large spurts...hardly any conversation anymore - he doesn't want to let me in his other rooms of his house...as dr. harley puts it. So this forum thing is a thorn.

DOrry - get a grip. 4 hours sleep in 3 days is not a good thing to be on. The roller coaster is so hard, you BS's must get so sick of hearing me whine. I am sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, deeplysorry.

Quote:
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And he told me it's not the beginning and he deserves his private space...this is in reference to the forum he goes to.
=======================

That part had my flags up on your first post in this thread.

Private is a fart in the bathroom, or separate threads on the same bulletin boards. A singles forum is probably a bad idea, and a secret is even worse.

Just because you were wayward does not change the rules for recovery, or a good marriage. Your concern is legitimate. Discuss it with him.

All the best,
Gimble

I did - but he feels he needs his private space - I have alot of co-dependency issues I am trying to get through.

I have a question for you BS's...if you felt you needed your private space in the beginning of recovery...when did you finally let your FWS back into all aspects of your life.

I miss being a part of all aspects.

I sure wrecked what was a good day, by my worries and fears. I sure wish that I could have just been happy with the little steps - what is wrong with me?

He's not ready for the marriage yet - he wants to be happy and right now he is doing what he needs to to be happy. I love the MB prinicipals...but he wont follow them. Today, we had a great start to the morning...and after church though, there was no conversation - he was on his forums for hours...so i came on here.

We watched a movie and cuddled, but by then I was so hurt by no coversation and him hiding the screen as he felt I was always looking over his shoulder...that I ended up ruining a good evening.

Just now I apologized and started to talk really deep about some of the issues I am digging deep in me to resolve, such as dependacy issues, etc, and he fell asleep. I was so hurt as I have stayed awake for all his midnight calls, or all night last night...The one time I make no DJs & LBs, he falls asleep.

He told me this was all he could give and I need to be happy with it. That he felt we had a good day, as we cuddled a bit and this morning was nice...I didn't feel it was as much of a good day.

But anytime I talk about my feelings, he starts to tell me he doesn't want to hear what he does wrong...And I tell him - it's not what you do wrong, I just want to tell you how I feel, then he gets mad, and I regret saying anything.

And my dependency issues that I am still dealing with in my support/Step progam (will take up to a year in this program) makes me paranoid...if he doesn't need me, he doesn't love me - he is talking in a forum instead of to me, and I can't read it.

You see I come here - but he has open access anytime he wants, and I will tell him any of what I say in here if he will listen...but his forum - he won't let me. And he doesn't see the problem...

And then he reminds me that I am the cause of all of this. He once told me that you surround yourself with who you will be like...so not to surround yourself with poor moral people, etc and I told him tonight, I worry, as the one thing he has told me - that- he is doing - surrounding himself with people who have had failed relationships...of course he was sleeping...

But bonus - he is snoring next to me and not in the basement tonight...that is kinda nice...why can't I be happy with just that???

-dorry

DS,

Not to burst your bubble but your incomplete feelings are because they are just that, incomplete. You can't be happy with things as they are. They maybe a bit better than a few days ago but not where they need to be, nope not by a long shot.

Therefore your ENs are gonna scream to be met and right now he can't. Your H's words sound similar to what mine said. Mine used to chat on the Craig's list and he had the KISA syndrome. He had been helping a few people in his own way and even using MB principles. Some he even told about this site. LOL!!! But it was still unguarded contact and I was not comfortable about it. I let it go on for a while but it was preventing me from healing. In time, he learned that for me to heal, he had to give up that KISA stuff. He did.

I had to implement plan B because it just wasn't going to work. He made comments how I had MB and was doing the same, I let him talk his mouth off and then explained. When he stopped listening, I stopped explaining. This went back and forth for a few weeks. In time he saw the difference and stopped.

What he is giving you is a line of bull. That is what mine did. He used it to have an excuse NOT to come back and be responsible. He dupes himself into thinking you will accept his less than acceptable pitiance of a compromise. Don't be duped.

L.

I a having a bad morning. I was going to sleep in, when I started to tell him the kids were up he said - please don't critisize me - I hadn't even opened my mouth, then as he left the room, I said can I ask you something - he said - maybe - I said I just have a request, he said if it's a request then you know the answer I can't take any more from you.

So I shut up - you know what my request was going to be for? A cup of tea.

How much space am I supposed to give him - I mean he would just prefer I don't talk to him...he told me that nothing is ever good enough for me - before the affair it wasn't, now it isn't.

I told him, yes it is - when he was working on recovering with me, and he believed in MB then and we were meeting eachothers EA's his bad days and yelling at me I could get through, because on his good days, I felt so loved, cherished - that was good enough.

He just wants to work on the marriage his way. And his way is he has to make himself happy...and I should do the same.

MB is not the same as his forum, as I am not hiding it from him, he can come and read it whenever he wants, but he told me he doesn't care - that you guys just bash and he needs a place where he wont be bashed - he is sick of being bashed (he read the thread the night I thought he was having an A, and he was headed down that road...)

Sometimes i just wonder how I am going to make it through. I see the big picture and that keeps me going - but each day is so hard.

He told me he is just going to go to the office today (on a holiday) as he can't be around me - I open my mouth and he thinks it's bad. I can't talk in this house anymore. My feelings are wrong, my wants are wrong...and if I talk about my life it gets ignored.

I feel so punished. I know I have treated him like this - I used to assume the wrose from him too...when he would put his arm around me at bed time...I just assumed he wanted sex, and turned him down before he even started...he hated that - it hurt him...and here he is now, roles reversed.

I am so sorry I have hurt him that way. So sorry. I jsut don't feel like I can do anything right.

-dorry

I realized I just have to not talk about me. He wont hear it - he doesn't want to hear about my EN. I just have to stop.

-dorry

Hi, deeplysorry.

Quote:
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He just wants to work on the marriage his way. And his way is he has to make himself happy...and I should do the same.

... He told me he is just going to go to the office today (on a holiday) as he can't be around me
=========================

Two things.

It looks like your husband is involved in at least an emotional affair. I hope I am wrong.

You simply must stop the feely/grabby/needy behaviors, regardless of what he is doing. That is the space he needs, not acting like he is single.

All the best,
Gimble

I agree gimble. Sometimes it's hard... after going through this three weeks ago (see the thread here with a girl who now rejected him, and he now doesn't speak highly of her...after that he found the singles forum to work to make him feel better.

He wont come here as some comments made on that thread made him feel like he will be bashed and he wont go to forums that bash <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I made a post weeks ago, about just letting him heal first - and I need to do it. I just get sick of telling the kids Daddy's working again, or where Daddy is...or why Daddy hides out at home...and then to hear from my H that I created this - that this is MY choice. I may have started the domino effect, but I also CHOOSE to be here, and CHOOSE to love him, despite any hurt or neglect I feel. This is NOT easy for me either. He is CHOOSING not to be here now. And yes he didn't choose to be in this mess - I DID put him there...but he is justifying his behavior with it...the same way I justified my A behavior by how he didn't love me...and he didn't want to be in my marriage.

For now, I am just going to shut up again. And keep praying. And praying, and praying....

-dorry

Deeply Sorry,
Hang in there. Don't go in a panic mode. The best thing you can do for yourself is come up with a game plan of what you plan to do if your husband does not eventually come around. Communication is a key in rebuilding or having normalcy in any marriage.
Try and get some counseling for yourself to help you deal with your husband's defensiveness and lack of wanting to communicate with you.

Keep reading Harley's priciples of how to communicate with yourself. Learn that you can't control another person's actions. Especially their emotions. Men can be moodier than women and seem to do it for a longer time I have found out.

Keep posting we can help you vent...which will help the frustration and the inner turmoil that you are feeling now.

Your in our thoughts and prayers.

Gypsy Wind

I am doing better right now - getting on with things around the house that need doing - that I just am tackling on my own.

I have prayed all morning and left it in God's hands. Tonight - no matter what - I need to tell him - no talking, no nothing, no sex. I need ONE good night's sleep - I am taking a pill at 8pm when the kids go to sleep and I am getting myself right with the word. I did get 6 hours last night...which is a start...but that's still only 10 hours in 4 days. I need a FULL night of sleep desperatly in order to deal with these things.

If I don't have sleep I get VERY emotional. I know that about me. So sleep right now is my #1 priority!

-dorry