I was wondering if anyone who has C w/ OC can tell me how they manage the interaction w/OW. We decided to have C. Right now we live far away so it is really a mute issue but over the next couple of months will be moving closer, introducing OC to our 3 kids and starting a ragular visitation. At this point, OW emails our home email address to send photos or swap information w/ us about dates, etc. I demanded to be part of he communication therfore the email and any neccessary phone calls come through me. I didn't want to take any chances of OW and H handling communication without me inolved. However, I feel like it is beginning backfire on me. When I see her email in the inbox I get sick at my stomach and reagardless of what her email says I find something in it that frustrates me. It all boils down to this -- I wanted this woman OUT of my life and now I am stuck with her for at least 18 years and it sucks!!! I just can't settle in my mind and my heart that we can have NC with OC -- I feel like we will be living with a secret that is always lurking around us. But at the sametime I just get tired of the OW's name even being mentioned. And stuff like -- here she is, 25 yo, and NOW thanks to our CS checks is quitting work and going back to school fulltime. She never committed to going to school fulltime before but now that she has a child and the $$ to go with him, she is committed to finishing her education. That just bugs me to no end -- I mean I know being a single Mom isn't easy but during the A she repeatedly told my H she dreamed of having his children. And it just feels like she benefits at every turn -- she got to have the baby she dreamed of, she gets the priviledge of being a mother, she gets big bucks every month, now she is finishing school too. It's too much -- I know it's not right but I can't want good things for her - not after she contributed to wrecking my world. Enough, enough. Thanks for letting me vent -- I had to get that out.
I would like to know from others if over time my attitude towards her can ever change. Your stories/experiences are appreciated.

We have contact w/ oc and ow. However like you we don't live close by. Our contact is primarily via phone and email. I still don't feel comfortable all the time when they talk so I've asked Dh to only speak to her when I'm home. That has worked for the most part. bHowever because he knows that I don't feel comfortable w/ the whole situation he does't call often as not to upset me. I feel bad at times becuase of the lack of contact on his part. Then I remember he brought this to the table and if this is how he chooses to handle the situation then so be it. We are hoping to get visitation set up in the next few months. we'll see how that actually works. We've tried coming up w/ various visitation plans before but it just hasn't panned out.

Dear Trying,

I can imagine your feelings. Wow. Intense. It's easy to understand your frustration and I wonder if you guys could set up a middle-person, a go-between for communications so that neither you nor nor H have to talk to her?? Maybe a counselor or a relative?

Recommend a counselor just for you if not for both you and hubby. I've been in and out of counseling repeatedly since DDay and it's a great help to me to have validation from a neutral party. Important to have strict contact rules so A doesn't resume between H and xow!!

I'd rather email or pm privately about me, but I can't get the pm to work. We had 4y limited (long-dist.) contact, 2y no-contact due to xow, and almost a year of visitation. That 2y no-c helped me heal and made this year easier. Right now we see OC about 3 times/month and it's going very well. She's a sweet kid. I'm primary contact with XOW, who at this time is being very cooperative. However, DH and I agree privately that if she becomes difficult, we will cut contact until OC can contact us without her mother. That's the basics.

J

Keep it strictly business about OC. No small talk about how this and that is going etc. Actually, should be very, very little C, other than drop off and pickup. She is not your friend and you are not yours.

Sounds to me as if she's e-mailing about every little thing she can. Put a stop to it. Talk to your H and come to an agreement how often you need to be updated on OC. Unless, there's a medical emergency, she doesn't need to be flipping e-mails back and forth. If there's a milestone in the OC's life, ie getting first tooth etc, then telling you is fine, however every day mumbo jumbo is nonsense.

You can have your H be the contact, just be there when he's communicating with her. Men generally, don't like to blab away on the phone etc. They like to get the conversation over with now and if he truly doesn't like commuicating with her, the conversations will be short and sweet.

In our case, pick up and drop off is at an intersection of two roads. In other words a neutral point.

I believe your feelings for her may change over time as your relationship w/H gets better/stronger. I have no ill will towards Ow inmy case although I question her thinking at times. I have never voiced any of my irritation w/her to her and I think she thinks I'm a saint. Whenever I think about the situation I try to remember that I am happy with H these days, he consistently shows his love and support for our family and I feel empowered by that. I don't feel like the OW in my case is a threat and I am never intimidated by her, though she may be by me. I have done nothing wrong and feel by setting my emotions aside with concern to her I am a better person and I feel I am doing the right thing.

Unfortunately this person will never be out of your life, but you could look at it like an "act" versus a person, as if it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else. You obviously have what your H wants, so don't forget that. You could try to have your H do the "dirty work" and be in the room when it happens and see how that works. For us, I let H have the "hard talks" with her and it becomes more and more evident that those two could have never had any kind of commitment. It takes me out of her radar and lets them see the people they really are. The only thing she knows of me is what I show her, that I am a fair, considerate, strong person. H and I talk about all interactions and decisions and if it's something she won't like, he's the bad guy, not me.

As far as her schooling, don't give it a second thought. Nothings about these situations is fair for the father as far as I can tell, but you would be giving her that $$ no matter what, what she does with it is up to her. Now if the child were endangered or something that's a different story, but try not to think of it as you paying for her school. I will be getting a part-time job to help pick up the slack in our case, but I have designated my income to go for my schooling and our children's extra expenses, thus making me FEEl at least like I'm not supporting this child. It all sucks, but in time, with your relationship w/H growing stronger and stronger, you probably will be able to let go of some of the emotions this stirs up in you. Good Luck!

PS

That reminds me, forgiveness isn't about her, it's for YOU. I read lots of books about forgiveness and it really helped me over time (but not overnight). YOU deserve to let go of the pain, but maybe it takes some conscious effort and time.

Hugs,
J

I am not to the contact point yet so I can't say what to do. My H says he wants no contact. But as far as the cs goes and her going to school, let her. When she gets that great job then your cs will be lowered. I know she erks you but hey you have everything she wants. See to many of these wives on this boaard they feel less important or in danger or something. I look at it as you HAVE EVERYTHING SHE WANTS. Yes she was a bump (or I should say doormat) in the road of your marriage, but in the end its all about you baby. You H has contact w her because he has to. Not really because he wants to. And you'll find that most H no longer look at these woman as great. To them they went from being the fantasy to being the b*itch. The problem. So whenever she calls or emails or sees you be the loving wife you are. Be sweet to her and her child since you have c, because trust me it kills them. I know it would eat me up everytime I let my kid go with you and him because he may be being a father to the child but he's not being a family with her. Remember you were there first, you were there during, and your there in the end. So technically we, the wives done wrong, have always been more important. I mean my husband loves me in public. He only screwed her in secret. I hope my warped way of seeing the world may make you feel a little better everytime you have to deal with her.

Hi Trying,

I haven't been here in a long while, but I'd like to give some input.

My H and I have C with OC. We are in the middle of the legal process for visitation and custody issues and have the hearing on June first.

I can't stand OW. Over the last four and a half years (since finding out she was pregnant) OW has shown time and time again that she is hurt by the fact that my H didn't end up with her and will do and say petty things to me or my children to get a rise out of me or my H.

How do you have C without dealing with constant communication with OW? Here's how we do it

We have a notebook, it goes back and forth between our two households. Inside, my H writes all kinds of stuff. Things OC did while at our house, if she got any scrapes or bruises and how they happened, if OC runs a fever or does something that requires time out. We also will tape pictures OC draws or photos for OC to take home in there. OW resisted writing in the notebook for a long time, finally my H explained that he didn't want to deal with OW on the telephone or face to face anymore, but that he wanted to be part of OC's life and if this was the only way they could communicate without fighting then OW better be willing to try it. She conceded.

OW still calls our house more than I'd like, but it's down to only a couple times a month instead of five times a week.

We also have an arrangement where my H picks OC up from daycare/school on our visitation nights (every Weds. & every other weekend Fri-Mon) and drops her off at daycare/school. So my H rarely ever runs into OW and it gives him an opportunity to maintain a relationship with OC's caregivers and teachers. It's working so far, five months of C and counting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, we've never gotten more than eight months of C before OW cuts us off from OC. Maybe this year will be different.

My H had to be pretty blunt with OW about not wanting to deal with her anymore. It's been very difficult for all of us.

I wish you the best of luck, and though C is very challenging to everyone in the family it's worth every effort when you see the love in OC's eyes for H's family, too!

Good luck!
AVNL

Thanks for all of your input and advice. It is so nice to have this board to help things stay in perspective.

Thanks!

Trying....

In my situation, we have contact with OC. It's been almost a year now and things are going good. Once I forgave OW, my sense of peace became greater. I could concentrate on ALL of the children. Mine and hers. When we do drop offs, her family and my family are all usually there. It's not a lovefest but we all do get along. Just basic pleasantries. But it is peaceable.

I know how you feel about the money. It's like when you buy a car, you have some say about payments, how much you can afford...etc. But with child support, it's sudden and you have no say in how much or how it is used. But you just can't dwell on it. But I will admit it does bother me sometimes. H and I have both worked sooo hard to get where we are financially. And we have had to cut back on some of the "goodies" we got accumstomed to. It hurts when my kids have to do without because we just can't afford it.

Hang in there pumpkin!!

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