Ogmigosh, you have so many wonderful opportunities here to blow up this affair, Alphin, and I pray that you take them. It is your only hope to save your marriage. Exposure takes all the fun out of an affair.

I wonder if the OW knows that he is a married man with children? Is she really that sleazy? Often the OP has NO IDEA the WS is married or is being lied to about other key things. After you expose them, I would give her a call and have a little "chat" about why a nice girl from a religious family is having an adulterous affair with a married man? Ask her what her parents would think of that.

Alphin, I know you are battle worn, but please please follow the advice you are getting here. We have been doing this for years and, while we know it is hard, these suggestions can make all the difference between success and failure. They are tough things to do, but divorce is much tougher. Hang in there, you will be fine!

I have another question. At the moment I allowing H to see the kids at the house as much as he likes. I thought it would be good for them to see him and the more he was over here the better (for us) - thought that OW might start to get snarly if he was over here lots. The restrictions I have imposed are how often he takes them for outings.

Is this sensible?

For now, I would let him come over as often as possible to see the kids. I would stipulate that they are never to be exposed to his sleazy affair, though, so no outings with the OW. Often the WS will try to introduce their children into the affair in order to normalize the abnormal.

His visits are a great opportunity for you to attract him to you AND to rile up the OW!

Hey Alph. Sorry, I am a Christian so thats how I'd naturally write. Church school or not.

Nothing faintly unpragmatic about being a Christian BTW and I'd be pretty ticked off if I was a parent who had striven to send my kid to a faith school to find the head ran his staff in such a secular manner.

Mel's on the case case now too, it seems, you're in great hands <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mels advice and shouting helped me to expose Squids affair which led to all good things.

Sorry Mr Pure - I didn't mean to suggest that faith was unpragmatic, merely that this particular (Christian) headmaster is particularly logic-driven.

Mel shouts alot?

***Alph trembles***

SHE DOES NOT!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I think I just firmly nudged him a few times when he was going wobbly. I am truly harmless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She does know. On d/day H told me she was 'eager to meet the children'.

She does know. On d/day H told me she was 'eager to meet the children'.

Do you think WH told her you are a monster, a bad mother, a hateful wife etc etc, or does she know she's stealing a man from a good, loving and functional family ?

I mean shes having an affair with a married man so she's in the wrong, but WS can rewrite the facts something FIERCE !

Well, H told me I neglected the children (one of the lies that hurt me the most). Right, that's why he left them with me when he ran off, that's why DD12 & DD5 are so well adjusted and lovely, why they are both top of class in school.

I don't know what he's told her, but I know it's not nice about me. Try not to think about it, really. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would imagine she has been told a whole passel of lies about you. Don't be surprised if he told her the seperation was all your idea or some such nonsense in order to placate her fears about being a homewrecker. It won't hurt to call her and have a little "chat." But I would expose them at work first, that is a wonderful opportunity you have in your arsenal.

Something that has intrigued me from the very beginning is how careful H has been to keep us seperate (me and OW, I mean).

He wouldn't even tell me his new address at first - had to get it from my MIL!

And he won't tell me their landline phone number. All I have is his mobile, and he's also changed his email address.

But, I do know where they live. Perhaps when H comes around to take the girls for an outing one weekend, I might take a little walk over there and say hi to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alphin, what did you say when he said he wanted to introduce the kids to the OW? Have they ever been exposed to her?

And, is anyone in this scenario protesting his sleazy behavior or is everyone walking around acting like this is normal?

Good idea! But I would plan on doing it sooner than that, perhaps soon after you send the letter to school?

I would suggest writing out some talking points beforehand with some good open ended questions. It would also help to prepare yourself for every possible response so she doesnt catch you off guard. OPs can say some very cruel things sometimes.

Well, he tried to get me to let them meet her less than a week after he'd left (this was just after they'd moved into their new flat half a mile away - nice). I said no to that, but I have said that they could meet her mid-june.

I am changing my mind about that now, since I've been here.

I don't really know what other people think about the A, apart from my folks and his folks and my BIL and his partner. All of these think he's gone nuts. No one can believe it. BIL said that H and I were the best suited couple he'd ever known (we did have problems he didn't know about, of course, but I think we were pretty damn well suited too!)

A couple of weeks after he'd left, H (almost in tears) said 'everyone seems to think I've done a terrible thing.' I don't know who he meant by that, and I crying too much myself to ask him.

Alphin, good idea to change your mind about them meeting the OW. They should not be exposed to his sleazy affair. I would tell him that it is not good for the children to be exposed to his affair partner and they won't be meeting her. You are trying to teach them right from wrong and meeting the OW would teach the opposite. They need to know that you disapprove of their dad's actions.

See, he is trying to use your kids to "normalize" his sleazy affair. Don't let him do that. Can you imagine what a horrible moral lesson that would be sending to your kids? You are the only sane adult these kids have to protect them, Alphin, don't let him use those kids in this way. Don't enable his affair in this way.

Let me ask you another question. Are his visits to you pleasant? Are you acting in a way that is attractive to him or do you repel him with crying, carring on, questioning, etc? His visits would be a great opportunity to attract him back to you so I would make his visits very pleasant. Then he can return to an angry jealous OW who is mad because he has been spending time with his family. See what I mean?

Alph, I think you should at least change this first part. Because you aren't just giving "your side of the story," you are giving them probably the only facts they have heard thus far. WH and OW are the ones telling "stories."


Heck no! Don't put it off on purpose if you miraculously find the contact information sooner, but . . . ASAP is what is needed. Do not let "bad timing" stop you!

Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Visits were horrid at first, when I was in the throes of post-d/day stress disorder (gaunt, weeping, etc) but they haven't been like that for a while now.

When he comes over I am pleasant, but cool. Not chilly, just poised (well, I try to be). I make sure the house is tidy, make sure my teeth are brushed, hair nice etc.

What I REALLY need are new clothes - all my old ones are hanging off me and I look like a scarecrow. Still, I've just had call from social security telling me my income support will (FINALLY) be through tomorrow, so I might have a look around the second hand store - I love second hand stores!

Oh, and I'll be buying the book as well!

Alph, where are you in the UK ? If its not too far I can bring over my Harley books for you to use. It'll save you a few quid.

North, south, midlands, Scotland ?

Bless you for that - I'm in the northeast, but it's really no problem buying the book, the paperback's not much and I can get a secondhand one (I love shopping on Amazon, anyway - another one of my 'hobbies'!)

Alph.