Percy, let's get the experts here on GQ2 to help you through this. Here is a link to her thread on JFO My husband found our about my affair 2 weeks ago, left me and filed for divorce

Married 12 yesrs

Ok, so M'd 12 years, no children. What was your relationship with your H like? Good that you got counseling, are you still going? An accountability partner from your church would be useful too.

Also, do you know WHY you had an A? What need was the OM filling?

It was very good, but recently I had all lot of death in my family, a miscarriage, illness and problems with my job (a new management team was brought in). I was depressed already and then lost my self esteem when I had problems with my job. My husband worked very long hours and this new person at work told me what I wanted to hear and fell for it. I am not making excuses.

I do not know how to post on that discussion thread you started. Can you help me.

Being a BH myself, you CANNOT imagine what a blow to our male self-image and sexual self-esteem takes when the one we LOVE and TRUST most, betrays us in the MOST intimate way.

Your H is REALLY hurting and there is NOTHING you can say or do that will make it any better. He has a LOT of pain to get through. It's been 2 1/2 months for me and, while its getting better, it is still TOUGH...be VERY patient and VERY transparent about your whereabouts if you two are in contact at all.

What will help is that you MUST answer ANY and ALL of his questions honestly...nothing that occurred in the A can be withheld IF he wants to know it. Don't volunteer details if BH doesn't ask about them. Some people cope better NOT knowing the details. Follow his lead...

Be prepared for the emotinal rollercoaster...he may want to, strangely enough, engage in SF. He may seem happy one day and furious the next...you have to ride out these ups and downs TOGETHER.

Read SAA and Plan A as advised earlier.

Get into IC for yourself and MC, if he is amenable to that.

Your M CAN get beyond this, but be advised, there are some BS's that cannot and WILL NOT forgive these violations.

Know what the best and worst outcomes could be and prepare for both of them.

YOu have a tough row to hoe, but if you REALLY love him and he REALLY loves you, it'll be worth it.

Hang in there... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

"I do not know how to post on that discussion thread you started. Can you help me."

Leslie - This IS the thread FF started for you.

I'm a FWW (former wayward wife). I read on your thread on the JFO (just found out) forum that you had talked to a priest. I'm going to suppose that you're a Christian.

All I know to tell you is that right after d-day, while I was waiting for my H (husband) to decide if he wanted a D (divorce) or not, all I could do was pray and do whatever I could to become a better me.

I made appointments with an IC (individual counselor) and also saw a doctor and was tested for STD's. I went to church and prayed with a couple of pastors and also a loving Christian woman.

I was blessed because my H prayed about what to do also, and he decided he wanted to stay with me and work on our M (marriage). It has been a very difficult recovery road (2 years and 10 months past d-day now), but we are still together.

The answer for any of us when we're in trouble is surrender to God. Ask for His forgiveness and give yourself to Him. Believe that He will take care of you no matter what happens next.


I have some errands to run, but I'll check back in later.

God bless.

Rose

Have you seen your medical doctor? Are you on antidepressants? They can really help.

Susan

I am a BS...

Hmmm....well all I have to say is you have absolutly no power in whether your husband stays or not. If I had decided to devorce my W after D-Day, not a single thing she could do could make me stay.

Now I think what your H is doing is a bit premature and he should really think about those 12 years of marriage before he does something he may regret in the future. I gave myself a month before I would make a decision...and now six more. It took awhile but I am very glad I stayed and am positive that I will not file for D because of this one A...now if she did it again...she would get no quarter.

Also...stay away from Anti-Depressents. The side affects suck. Get in shape...do cardio, eat better. Do things to make you feel better about yourself. Once you feel better about yourself...he may see that and think about what he may loose. AD's might make you feel better, but you won't look any different.

Be sure you have all your questions about medications answered by your health care provider, not by a message board.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

L45,

Do everything you can do to stall the D. There should be no rash hasty doings for at least 3 months after D day.

Speak to him and be with him as much as possible. Track him down and keep telling him how sorry you are and what a bonehead you were. Talk as much as you can with him about the A. Listen to his grief and answer all his questions.

His heart has just been torn from his chest and he is terribly wounded. His life has been changed forever and he will never be the same person he was, as you will never be the same person you were..to him.

But stave off any trys at divorce. Be with him if you can.
Time will not heal, but it does have a calming effect.

So do AD's. But maybe he should be the one to take them.

k

Leslie,

The AD's really do help some of us get through these rough spots. I am not a medical provider but an AD user. I have tried to not take them and sometimes it is just too tough at this point.

Just keep your chin up. Can you tell us what the relationship is like now with your H? Has he moved out? Does he talk to you at all? When do you see him?

HINY

Ms. L,
I think it would be really to us, (those who would like to help you help you) if you filled in the missing blanks with out having to have the facts pulled out of you one at a time.

Tell us everything you can. tell us about your age as wel as your Hs. What do you two do for a living, how did you meet, what was you're relationahip leading up to the affair about with your H?

How long did the affair go on? How did your H find out about it? Are you currently in contact with the OM any more at all? I mean do you even see him at work? Do you have to speak with him for any reason?

Did your H ask you any questions at all before he left? Have you spoken to him at all since? Do you have a relationship with your H's family; mother and father? Or how about a sister or brother?

How much lying did you have to do so that you could play around? Was it the kind of lying that would make your H feel like you made a total fool out of him? Were you still having sex with your H at the same time as you were with the OM? Have you been to an MD to be checked for STDs? Was there only 1 OM? Has this ever happend before...with some one else? Has you H ever had reason to be suspeciousof you before...or just jealous?

How about money? Did you spend any on the OM? Did you refuse your H anything so you could accomidate the OM?

Look, to asses damage people have to have an idea of what you did and what the situation was. You might well be able to save this thing but to do that you have to know where you are, how you got there and then figure out a way to reach the man you love by using your years of experience with him to get through to him.

So please take a deep breath and begin at the beginig and tell us anything and everything that might have something to do with how you got to be in this spot. Let' see if we can't all come up with a plan to help you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Coach

PLEASE SEE ANSWERS

Ms. L,
I think it would be really to us, (those who would like to help you help you) if you filled in the missing blanks with out having to have the facts pulled out of you one at a time.

Tell us everything you can. tell us about your age as wel as your Hs. What do you two do for a living, how did you meet, what was you're relationahip leading up to the affair about with your H?

Im 38 He is 39. We have known each other for years before we started a realationship. The relationship was fine, but he worked very late and weekends.

How long did the affair go on? How did your H find out about it? Are you currently in contact with the OM any more at all? I mean do you even see him at work? Do you have to speak with him for any reason?

2 months then off 4 months then 2 months....yes I have to see him at work......yes I have to speak to him

Did your H ask you any questions at all before he left? Have you spoken to him at all since? Do you have a relationship with your H's family; mother and father? Or how about a sister or brother?

yes, yes, yes

How much lying did you have to do so that you could play around? Was it the kind of lying that would make your H feel like you made a total fool out of him? Were you still having sex with your H at the same time as you were with the OM? Have you been to an MD to be checked for STDs? Was there only 1 OM? Has this ever happend before...with some one else? Has you H ever had reason to be suspeciousof you before...or just jealous?

I really did not have to lie becauss husband wasn't here.

Yes - I was with both. Yes to md. fine

1 om

never been with anyone else

he got jealous because men started talking to me more

How about money? Did you spend any on the OM? Did you refuse your H anything so you could accomidate the OM?

NO

Look, to asses damage people have to have an idea of what you did and what the situation was. You might well be able to save this thing but to do that you have to know where you are, how you got there and then figure out a way to reach the man you love by using your years of experience with him to get through to him.

So please take a deep breath and begin at the beginig and tell us anything and everything that might have something to do with how you got to be in this spot. Let' see if we can't all come up with a plan to help you.

Coach

Did your H ask you to quit your job or did you offer to quit and go completely No Contact with OM?

I offered to quit. He did not accept that. He makes enough money for this to happen.

How much contact and communication are you and your husband in...

how often do you talk to him
how often do you see him...

what is he saying to you

how much is he willing to listen to you...

any time spent not in conflict...
ARK

Wow Ms. L, you certainly are wordy little devil aren’t you? And the details you offer! Hummm you’re a veritable plethora of information. And yes I’m being sarcastic! Da!

So let’s start this again. Maybe I’m to blaim. Maybe I haven’t really expressed myself well enough for you to get the idea.

Folks around here (me at least) need to get a feel for who you are, what you’re about how you think. What you believe in or don’t believe in. What your life is like. What your H’s life is like. Are you still speaking to your H’s family…more to the point, are they still speaking to you? Do they now he copped a walk on you? What are your moral positions on cheating and screwing around? What do you believe in? Tell me something about your feelings….about how important your H really is to you. How much you love him and why? What are you willing to do to get him back? Talk to me here!

So when I asked how long this affair went on, you respond with some equation like 2 on 4 off then 2 on again. What’s that about? How about a little verbal discourse here? You know a kind of why and what happened. Why you gave it up the first time and then went back and why you’re giving it up again? And why you think you won’t ever go back to do it again.

How about this one….does your H know about the times before or just your most recent fall from grace? LOL How about how did you’re H find out? Was this guy a friend of both you and your H? Does your H even know this guy? Do you, the OM and your H have friends in common? Why has your H been working so long and hard? What’s the pay off? How about your friends? Did they know? Did they help you to keep it a secret from your H?

I’m looking for a story here. I’m looking for a way to get to know you…get to know your H…I want to know who you are…what you’re feeling are…what you’re willing to do to get this marriage back on track. This ain’t 20 questions! Me interviewing you to the tune of one liners coming back a me. These questions are ways for me suggesting to you, places you can go in conversation to start you off. Now are you on board with the program or would you prefer that I disappear?

Coach

PS. Standard text book MB Rule: If the affair is really over then no contact…ever for any reason is the rule; and it’s a rule written in stone. So to get your H back you say that you are ready to quit your job and never see, speak to or communicate with the OM ever again in any way during this life time? Is this essentially correct? Yet you claim that your H says that he doesn’t want you too? What is going on here? None of this is adding up. Doesn’t matter if your H says you don’t have to…this is a decision you make unilaterally, on your own. And for the purpose of saving your marriage. Just do it!

I believe in God and the sanctity of marriage. My life has been very conservative and stable. I had a lot of death and illness in my family the last 3 years. I also had a miscarriage. I have a good job

Life has been good up until the past 3 years and my coping skills broke down. My husband is a very nice, patient man and disciplined man. He has exercised every day for the last 14 years. I am still speaking to my husband

My husband is my world. I thought that he was not home because he had found someone else. He is my best friend and we are very compatible. We never argued or fought.

I was talking with him 2 months then not for 4 months then the last two months. I went back because my husband at the time felt was bagering me when I was going through withdrawl. I should have sought counseling then, but was in a well and could not get out.

I wont go back again because the OM does fill my emotional meeds or what I thought I was missing.

He knows now about the time before which was once. He did not know at till dday 5/11 but was suspicious. I was afraid to come clean because I was ashamed and did not want to hurt him and was in fear of losing him.

My husband found out because the om was knocking on my door announced and I did not let him in this was about 3 weeks after I ended things. My husband saw him backing out of my driveway and tracked him dowm. OM worked with me.

Why has your H been working so long and hard? He's says that it is part of his jobe becauase it is a 24/7

My friends did not know I was to ashamed to tell them.

I will do anything to get him back....quit my job.. move.. wait on him........wear and ankle bracelet anything!

I can't quit job without my husband's income. I need money to live on.

Leslie

ok I'm a FWS too and my A was over a short period as yours and no it doesn't matter if the betrayal was 30 secs or 30 months or whatever. Thats the thing betrayal is betrayal and the hurt and pain we cause is very real and sometimes overwhelming to our H.

Now that said it is not hopeless.

Please spend some time just explaining the circumstances of the A and your relationship with your H , this is very helpful and yes its hard to do - I had some trouble telling complete 'strangers' all my dirty little secrets and lies and stuffed up thinking - a comment made was something like trying to get blood out of a stone - so I guess lot of us WS feel reticent about teliing people here what we did and how.
BUT ITS IMPORTANT.
MAny BS from your descriptions may be able to clearly understand where your H is coming from & what he MAY listen to ... and isn that what yo want?

Please understand there are no guarantees, no magic pill, it is all hard, grinding, sometimes soul wrenching work - for you & your H - and it may take an awful long time - be ready for that.

Just tell us you thoughts and feelings and whats happening right now ...not yes , no, maybe ,, explain for us whats going on ... then people like the coach can help a bit more.

dont give up its not over until the big lady sings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />