I am a FWW too and I can really relate to AW. I had a week inappropriate friendship and ended kissing the man. It has deeply hurt my H and he walked out of our home twice with his bags but came back. He made me book tickets to go to my moms house but later made me cancel it. He somehow could not think of living with me. The first 4 months were really bad and I took whatvever my H had to do and say. My kids also got effected but now life is getting back to normal though we have our ups and downs days.

So please dont give up if you have really loved your H and he has loved you at some points in your lives. Take care of yourself and try to understand why this happened, how could you do this to something you valued so much? Write on the boards they can be insightful and helpful sometimes.

Ms. L,
Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Easy for me to say I know but when you consider that my WW decided to continue having her “wicked way” (and yes I can laugh at the situation and myself ….now…) then you have to know that it’s only when I stepped back and began to look at the thing I was involved in with logic and understanding, that I was able to once again function.

And what does function mean? It means being able to make decisions with your head and not through your pain.

First use the years of knowing your H. Think about what he’s feeling and what he must be thinking! Next make up your mind right now to put aside any relationship conversation with your H that may entail any responsibility you wish to assign him for what YOU have done.

What do I mean? Your H was working all the time and never took notice of your emotional decline and probable depression so it would be easy to assign blame to him for not being there for you…and make this an excuse for you doing what you did! This is probably the singles biggest error that the wayward make when trying to find their way home! So get it right the first time and understand from the beginning; there is no excuse!

That your H needs to accept responsibility for his end of a marriage that wasn’t functioning at 100% is completely correct. That he should accept any responsibility for the dirt you did him is ludicrous…stupid…and ridiculous! You did it! You! You did the cheating! You decided to take your cloths off for another man and lay down in bed you didn’t belong in! And so if you want to make your H take notice of you again…give your marriage another chance…you have to confess it to him just like that!

H, “what I did was stupid, selfish and mean.” “I have no excuse for my behavior and won’t insult you by trying to think of one.” “But I want you to know that it’s you I love and if you could just find it in your heart to help me find a way to prove it to you, I would do anything to make up for my foolish actions.” Then you ask of him to, “please help you!” “I know you feel that I don’t deserve your help but I’m still your wife…and no matter how evil I’ve been, I have only you to help me find my way back.” “Please…all I’m asking for is a chance…”

Then you begin to do the things that need doing….to SHOW him your serious! Not tell him mind you, ‘cause talk is cheap! You do things to SHOW him!

You go into therapy right away! You let him know (your H) that you’re searching to find out how you could have done “it.” You find another job as fast as you can! Not in months or weeks but in days if possible! You get a job else where, so that you never have contact with the OM ever again! You send a NO CONTACT letter to the OM telling him to never speak to you again for any reason ever! (Folks here will help you write this letter) And you send your H a copy so he knows that you sent it! You go public with what you did…to the important people in both your lives…so that your H doesn’t have to bear any responsibility for walking out! Are you getting the idea here?

This is how you begin. Then you hope and prey that your H decides to have a dialogue with you. But we will handle that in another post. First thing is…get started.
Coach

Coach:

This is very good advice! Have you ever been in this situation? Did it work out?

I feel so awful. I am such a terrible person. I never wanted to hurt him.

I'd be careful about this. Your husband may feel even more humiliated if word gets out. Talk to him about it first. See how he feels. His call.

L, you are not a terrible person...you DID a terrible thing. Don't let this act define you as a person, just get to work identifying how and why you ended up in that situation and correct it! Get thyself to IC. {{percy}}

Leslie,

You do need to get some IC asap. Because as time goes on you will feel other feelings too. You can help your H better if you are getting help. You can learn how to talk to your H about the hurtful things without hurting him as much (did that make sense?)

Anyway I think you are doing a good thing just by coming here and talking it out. Every little bit helps. There are so many remorseful and helpful FWS here. They will guide you I am sure to the many feelings you will feel from that side of the fence.

As a FBS I can tell you that it hurts and it takes times for that to fade. I instantly wanted a D and then I didn't about 3 weeks later. He could flip like a coin.

Is there anyway you can get him to come here and post maybe? We certainly could work with him on his feelings and show him how couples have recovered from the trauma of it all.

Good Luck!

HINY ^O^

Ms. P,
As FF has already stated, you are not a terrible person. You are a person who did a terrible thing and there is a vast difference. And you simply have to know this right down to the soles of you feet…otherwise you will be so busy doing mea copes that you will allow yourself to wallow in the self pity that this kind of sitch can ensnare you in.

This is a time for action! This is not about what you did anymore. Now it’s about who you are and what you intend to do about making who you are better and more worthy…and not just for your BH but for yourself.

As to your question, no I never was a cheater. Guess I’m just to dull! LOL But you know, that really isn’t all that important because these kind of situations have no sense of original about them. Repentant cheater, betrayed, some one that has done or experienced both…in the end the pain is the same. There is no mystery here. Good people have been doing bad things since man began walking in an up-right position. What’s troubling to me is that you did it once and then went back and did it again. But you know, one would hope that this time you learn to get it right.

The thing is that you have to begin doing “something” to make this right…both for yourself and your H. I gave you some suggestions. AM is out on the exposure point that I made, but I’ll stand by my assertion that this is a good thing. When the BS exposes the affair, it’s done with the intent to put pressure on the illicit relationship so that it can be brought to an end. Well, all I’m suggesting here is that you do it to and for yourself…expose the affair so that you can take the energy mustered by the strong disapproval and use it to help you gain your own advantage. Look, once exposed, affairs take on a whole new aura. Suddenly instead of romance and mystery the affair is perceived by all involved as what it really is; sordid little experiences done in weak, dishonest moment. And another benefit! This puts the OM on notice that you really mean it when you say; “no more!” And will your husband be embarrassed? Maybe but when he understands why you exposed yourself, I kind of think he’ll be more proud of you then angry.

Any way, it’s time to stop talking now and to start doing. Come on back here and tell us what action you’ve taken. Do a time line…a plan. Don’t put off doing what needs doing. Stand tall and make yourself proud again.

Coach

Percy,

You said something I thought I would chime in on as well. You said

We know you do, and if your H decides to make a go of this and you do recover this will bother you for a long time. However, I would like you two consider the difference between guilt and remorse.

Guilt is something you should feel before or during the act of doing something wrong. It is a paralyzing emotion and it is supposed to be. But, guilt AFTER the fact is also paralyzing and that is a bad thing. So lose the guilt.

Now remorse sounds and sort of feels like guilt, but it is a feeling that leads to ACTION to trying to rebuild and make things right. That is a feeling you should have right now, as it is a motivator. Work on feeling remorse and NOT guilt OK?

No you are not. You messed up big time but you are NOT an awful person. YOu have heard this before, you are hearing it now, and you will hear it again. You made a serious mistake, you failed to honor your vows, and you failed to enforce your boundaries, thus you hurt your H, AND you hurt yourself. Learn about boundaries and start to work on defining them and protecting them. It will help you alot, and it will help your H to understand that you have learned something from this, that will benefit: him, you, and your marriage.


Don't say this to him, don't ever say this to him. You did hurt him, you knew it would hurt him, and you did it any way. So in light of these FACTS that statement is an insult to your H and frankly to you. What you did was allowed your selfishness to lead you across boundaries where your marriage and your H were NOT protected. You can apologize for not protecting your boundaries, your vows, and your H. That may get through to him.

I know some of this stuff sounds like symantics to you, but it is very important that you choose your words carefully. Not so much to protect you or your H, but to properly convey to your H your true feelings and desires.

It has been mentioned to you before to understand why you decided to do what you did. I would like to suggest that you understand the concept of boundaries. You have heard me mention them a few times now. You failed to protect yourself, and you hurt your H deeply. What can you do in the future? Understand what your boundaries really are, how to protect them, and how to protect your H and marriage.

Discussions along these lines will allow your H input as to how to protect your boundaries, and leads naturally to why you failed to protect them before. The reality is that you probably did NOT have iron clad boundaries before, just a general sense of what "felt" right or wrong. You need to make it more concrete.

I will offer you an example. I was a batchelor into my 30's. I had a very active life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> When I married I knew about bars, pickuping up girls, getting picked up, what alcohol could do to the decision making. I have traveled alot in my marriage. I never go to bars, I don't go where there is dancing, I take a few books for me to read, and I simply eat, and return to my room if I don't go to a movie or something. The point is that in all of these years I have NOT been tempted to have an affair, not because I am strong, but because I avoid situations were women are and are available.

Boundaries need to be understood and then a plan put in place to protect them. This goes for social occasions, work sitautions, travel situations, periods when you are down, angry, or whatever. Start thinking along those lines.

When you and your H get into recovery, the Needs questionaire is a good tool to address the condition of the marriage BEFORE the affair. Here is where you and your H work to rebuild and improve your marriage. But, first you must heal from this affair, and your H must heal from this affair. When you talk to him treat him as he is, a very hurt and wounded man, who has had his self-esteem kicked really good. After he and you heal, THEN start to rebuild in recovery.

I think you will see that I may have phrased things a bit differently but you are hearing about the same thing from all of us.

Please think about this and develop a plan.

God Bless,

JL

Yes I expect you do feel awful. So did I, so do I still and probably will to a certain extent for the rest of my life no matter the outcome. I hurt the man I love very badly.

No you are not terrible at all, but yes you feel that way. I did also but understand that YOU are not terrible even though your actions may have been. This takes a long time to accept and you will have doubts that you can ever be a better person...but you can, your actions can demonstrate it to your H and to yourself.

You say you never wanted to hurt him, I said the same. What my IC & I discussed for a long while was this statement. The real truth was that I thought I would never be caught so it would not hurt him if he didn't know... and I am not too sure if I really didn't care if he eventually found out back then. Maybe I did I cant be sure my thinking was very hazy whatever thinking I was doing. Maybe the truth is that we didn't think of out H at all & that allowed us to act as we did.

Right now you need to try to talk to your H and delay the D. Plenty advice here about that .... but be honest with him, admit wrong .. no excuses ..just ask that he put everything on hold right now.
There's good advice above pls consider it.

All the best P ,,, I feel for you and will pray your H will reconsider and grant you a chance.

I am 5 months into recovery and today is another day I am feeling like a terrible person. I feel like a horrible person now. I guess I have to live the next 45 years (if I live as long as my grandparents) like this.
True AW I did not think of my H when I went out. I wish I had. We know each other from childhood, he trusted me so much how could I do it. These are feelings that I go thru each day.
L, keep trying as time might heal everything. Since generations human race has survived on hope. Hoping for me and all of you out there.

Percy,

You know your H best but I'd like to recommend that you consider writting down all of the unsuccessful things you've done and said to him to try to convince convince him that you are remorseful and to want to save/rebuild the marriage. Then consider doing the complete opposite. This is a technique used in Divorce Busting by its founder Michelle Weiner-Davis, it's called The 180 Degree List. The purpose of this is that if what you've done and said has had the opposite of your intended goals, then doing and saying the opposite just MIGHT work in having your H stop and do an honest review of the marriage and hopefully question the wisdom of rushing towards a divorce.

In the meantime, and if you haven't done so already, read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving an Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. And fill out the web pageThe ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire). Doing these things will help you to become a better spouse and identify your most important EN that MAY have been long neglected by your H but were fulfilled by the OM during the affair.

TMCM

Husband still won't respond to me so how can I do the opposite?

Any suggestions?

Is there anyone out there that can HELP ME!

My husdand still will not speak with me. Any sn suggestions?

Is there any betrayed spouses out there? If you left, how long did it take to start communications again?

Percy:

Reality is some spouses don't come back because the hurt of the betrayal is too painful. You have to hope that he can find away to forgive you.

I was the BS and I didn't want to throw away my marriage, my family, etc. If I did not have kids, I too may have left and filed for divorce. It hurts when your long term spouse falls in love with another person or has sex with another person.

You have been getting good advice from this thread. Put yourself totally at the mercy of your husband. Go to IC, quit your job tomorrow, send the NC letter and tell your husband by letter or by Voice Mail what you are doing to prevent the affair from ever happening again.

Beg, beg, beg for forgiveness and express remorse and sorrow for your actions.

I wish you the best.

TooSoon

Don't give up. Have you sent him the link to this thread? Not only will that help him to see what you have to say, it may also help him to realize maybe the two of you can survive this.

I frequently sent my WW/BS links to threads I found here that were simular to our situation or emotional feelings.

Yes, percy, there are a LOT (unfortunately) of betrayed spouses on MB.

If you want some immediate help, read the book Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder. It will give you a lot of useful information, including "normal" recovery timelines.

For now, let me just give you one concept that is fairly accurate most of the time, "it will take the betrayed spouse as long to recover as it took the unfaithful spouse to get into and out of the affair." By your count that is 2+4+2=8 months. So don't be too suprised if it seems to be taking longer than you want.

Here is the really hard thing you are going to have to face. You already decided your marriage was over when you chose the affair. Your husband has NO responsibility to remain married to you. IF he chooses to attempt the path of forgiveness and restoration, it will NOT be easy. I have been in recovery for 3 years with my FWW and I can tell you that it has NOT been easy and that I have had to struggle with many things during the past 3 years.

Percy, this "bomb" you dropped on your husband has totally affected everything he has ever believed in. He most likely adrift in a sea of emotions and pain. I cannot adequately describe to you the feelings, but they are more intense than almost anything you could envision. Let me try to give you just "one" window into "one" thing that is assailing his mind right now. It is a FACT, undeniable, that during the affair you had, you enjoyed the feeling and certainty that two men you loved you. Your husband is struggling with the opposite. He KNOWS that during your affair he was loved by no one. NO ONE who does love someone would purposely, through their actions and choices, bring such devastation into the life of someone they loved.

He has to come to grips with this fact. This fact alone, would be enough to end most marriages. So while you are waiting for him to sort through his torrent of emotions, you should be reading extensively about things like Plan A, Emotional Needs, Humble obedience to God, the Role of husbands and wives according to God, etc.

Let me also say that your husband NEEDS to see that you are truly repentant and sorrowful. Awareness of sin against God in our lives SHOULD cause us to be "crushed" and should result in determined, yet humble and gentle change. He needs to see through your actions that you acknowledge the awfulness of what was done and are totally and sincerely repentant and in need of his forgiveness.

If HE is a Christian, then despite the tremendous pain that he is feeling, he also has to humbly obey God and forgive a repentant sinner...you. At that point, the two of you may be able to begin to work on recovering your marriage.

It took me weeks before I could reach out to God from the morass of turbulent and violent emotions. Be patient. A time will come when he's ready to talk a little. Be ready by what you read and research now to be able to respond.

You can no longer fear that something "might hurt him." You can't hurt him more than has already been done, and refusing to answer his questions when they come will "prove" to him that you are not really repentant.

This is a hard road, but it can get better once the process of recovery has begun. Once that starts, do NOT get impatient. Remember, the "average" recovery takes 2 years.

God bless.

Thank you very much for your inciteful information. May I ask you what your fww wife did to help your recovery. I need all the help I can get. I went to my church and I am praying hard!

Percy (or do you prefer Leslie?) - Not a lot initially, other than the BIG decision to try to recover the marriage. She agreed to Joint Christian Marital Counseling and we began that. Perhaps what you are asking is more along the lines of what happened "back then" in the process.

If that is the question I can give you links to my first couple of threads that covered our separation, discussions, and eventual commitment to try to reconcile, as well as our initial forays into Marital Counseling.

If that is the sort of thing you looking for, let me know and I'll post links to them. Just know her situation was different from yours in that she was leaving to marry the OM and it had been an ongoing 6 year affair. A very tangled Class II affair.

God bless.

I was looking for what heppened back then in the process.

Percy, any communication from your H yet? Have you begun reading the books? Started making necessary changes in you?