Just wondering if anyone out there has ever re-married their Spouse. I was married 20+ years to a wonderful woman and we also told everyone how easy our life was together. It just worked. We were hot for each other up to the end.
We did everything together.... vacationed, went out, raised the kids, etc. She said she was my soulmate and I beleived it.

There were no affairs on either side but i did look at Porn (not illeagal material) occasionally. The first time I got caught was eight years ago. At that time my wife lost it...said I had shamed her and humilated her. She is lovely but very insecure. I have always told my wife she was beautiful and never said anything negative about her body. Being a guy it's hard for me to understand why this hit her so hard. I don't go to strip clubs, don't cheat (took a lie detector test on this and passed), never talked to anyone on the web, etc. When I talk to guys at work, or friends I don't think I'm that far out of line....but maybe I'm out of touch too.

She wanted a divorce back then...I finally got her to marriage counseling and after a few visits we slowly worked back to a marriage even better than before....but the scars were still there. She beleived I looked at Porn to escape with another woman in my mind, while I beleived it reminded me of her. Whatever the case....it was wrong to do.

Fast forward to today. Once again I surfed the web and got caught, after a seperation period my wife has trully divorced me. She is angry at because she says I forced her to do it. I'm a great husband/dad and she told me that until the day I was busted. We had a big house, nice clothes and a good life. It all came crashing down.

It's sad because I know we both still love each other (at least I love her). She has begun to see other men while I have no desire at this time to seek a female. Porn is not of any interest either. I have turned to the Bible, Self Help Books, and Counsling to try and figure this out. the only nugget I have found is that when your heart is at it's most broken point that is when God and true light can pour in.

Have any of you made it through divorce and remarried that spouse? How long did it take to mend the hurt and how did you get back together? How do you start to talk again?

Well, my girlfriend is not remarrying her ex. However, he is living with her and she is due to have their third child. Since she's Roman Catholic, according to her church they are still married. For now at least, that's how they are going to leave it, married according to the church, divorced according to the government. It took about a year after the divorce was final. I think they each made some changes, and really appreciated what the other had contributed to their lives. Now, they are happier than ever.

I am interested in that too

I read once that about 5% of all divorced people remarry their former spouses.

T

I have heard that those that re-marry are usually more at peace with each other and their lives. I cannot believe I'm at this point in my life. Maybe if we fought for 20 years I could understand where she was coming from. I thought I knew her so well and right this moment she seems like a stranger.

I have an uncle that divorced and married his now exwife 3 times! The family thought they were crazy. They are both happily married to others now...for some years.

without thinking too deeply or considering what makes your case special, I'd advise moving on.

it seems to me that you'll relive all the problems you had before...

if you should happen to go down that path, tread carefully, clear the playing field, make sure that the problems you had before are resolved.

but i doubt it.

Give that big final good luck and goodbye to your all time top-five and just move on down the road.

I can see that Porn was an escape from being intimate with my wife. Yes we had what was called "great sex" by both of us but we were still missing the essence of being one, not two.

My college age children agree we got along beautifully as a couple and can't beleive we are divorced. They say "if your marriage ended in divorce what hope do we have". I tell them it was my weakness that led to this. My therapist points to a lack of intimacy with my parents (never had any) as a possible reason to explain my shortcomings.

I continue to pray, read, and try to understand myself better. If re-marriage occurs counseling will be needed for some time. If that does not happen I hope to understand myself better. There is really not much else I can do...I've accepted by shortcomings, admitted fault, not "passed the buck", and I'm working towards a solution. The future is in God's hands.

Hey kclongshot,
I once was addicted to porn and had numerous affairs, but fortunately I got my life straightened out. My wife never left me, but I knew at any moment there was a good chance I could loose her for good. I am thankful for the grace she extended. I have known guys in your situation through groups I have attended dealing with porn addiction, who once dealt with the addiction were taken back by their wives. It takes work and prayer, but it can be done with God's help.

Thanks for the advice Art. I'm joyous to hear you won against your addiction. I'd like to make clear I never had an affair with another human, just my own brain and it's malfunctions. I know it a fine line because in my wife's way of thinking I was with someone else.

Had a great sex life, enjoyed just about every day together, and made each other laugh. And although it was sporadic there were times I was secretive and did not give myself fully to my wife. It was amazingly stupid for an educated, professional, seemingly satisfied husband to do.

Passive/Aggressive comes to mind as well because she often did things that increased our debts significantly. The debt stressed me out (she didn't seem bothered by it) and I sometimes justified my foray into Porn as a way to silently get even.

It sounds like the fantasy world was an easy place to retreat to instead of dealing with the real world issues. The sad part is that is also what tears down the intimacy between the husband and the wife.

Porn can be just as addictive to some men who have trouble dealing with tough issues. Sort of like the alcoholic who grabs a drink instead of dealing with something difficult.

I would still look to counseling as a way of dealing with the issues and see if you can put porn out of your life. Try some internet filters, they help until you find the skills in counseling. Show your wife you are determined to change and maybe she will come around. And don't forget prayer.....

You are correct in the sense it was an escape, oddly now that i'm living on my own, and I could view anything I want, the desire has dropped to virtually nil.

I've been going to counseling, seeking out church, talking to other men and basically anywhere I can find strength. And as far as prayer goes...it has become a constant occurrance in my life.

I just don't see how my ex will see the change. I told her once before that I was changed, thought I was, but fell back into the same bad habits. It wasn't a daily, or weekly occurance, but it was there just the same. I can't just show up and say "ta-da" I'm a new man. She will just frown and say "what-ever".

She didn't want to divorce but felt she had to maintain her self-respect....she still calls me a [email]F@*ker[/email] for making her file. I couldn't get her to counseling with me.

Art I really appreciate your views because you have been through the battle that I'm in now. Thanks.

Hey Longshot!

Give yourself a break. It's not entirely your fault. You're human. You made some mistakes. So what?

Porn: It's right there at the touch of a button... it's so convenient and so very addicting to men... most men LIKE SEX! maybe they aren't getting enough -- or any!

These puritanical women who take offense and decide to punish their partner for their "evil transgressions" need to develop some understanding and a sense of forgiveness.

But I digress.

Go easy on yourself, brotha! You sound like a pretty good guy to me. Forgive yourself and move on.

cheers!

kc,

I don't usually follow this forum but was snooping around today.

I commend your efforts to improve yourself. That will increase the chance of you getting back together with you W and if not, you will be a better person for it and can carry that through to your future.

Porn is different for everyone. It might seem ok to you or me or many others but for some it's just not ok. Sounds like to your W it was not ok. For many women it is a thorn. They feel that attention should always be directed to them. They do not understand why you would have a need to look elsewhere for something they are willing to provide. If her self-esteem is low this will only add to that. She might not feel she is enough for you.

Don't look at yourself as some dirty freak. Your probably pretty normal amongst the guys. The thing is your W does have a huge problem with it. If you knew that (which you did) and continued to use it then there is the problem. It's not about right and wrong or even who's at fault. She had a problem with it and in order to meet her needs and make her comfortable you would need to give it up. By not doing so you continued to hurt her.

A couple things I picked up when reading your posts. You admit you did wrong and accept blame BUT at the same time you make it sound like the only two times you looked at porn you got caught. This in some way shows me you haven't actually accepted what you did, you just got caught.

I also wonder if your porn usage was as minimal as you make it seem. I find it hard to believe your W would chuck and otherwise perfect marriage (as you have explained it) because she caught you looking at porn 2x in a number of years. It suggests to me there were either other issues you didn't see or your usage was more than you admit to and she might have known that.

I do hope you can reconsile with you W. At some point you may decide you need to move on.

Best of luck.
Symphony

Nothing Man and Symphony. Thanks for your advice. I looked at Porn much more than twice...my point was it was sparodic. I could go months..sometimes years without looking. When we were first married there was Internet (dang I'm old) and there was little porn stuff. I remember renting a few movies when the wife was out of town. When we got a PC about 10 years ago that is where my problems started. Porn and Stories were just a click away. Still my usage went up and down. I really have no hobbies and viewing seemed to occur at times of boredom or frustration. It was an escape.

I understand now how I was hurting my relationship with my wife. I know too that there are different ways Porn affects addicts...some turn away from sex with their spouse, some do it openly in front of their spouse, etc. I did neither of these. We had sex often (and it was great) for a couple together 20+ years.

Right now my preference would be reconcilement but I understand it's her choice. In any case...I will always love her and not hold her at fault. If I have to move on I will be comforted by the fact I have been fair through the divorce process.

you prolly looked at porn 'cause your wife wasn't meeting your sex need and you didn't want to go outside the marriage. (admirable) i'd say that's ok but i guess its different to everybody.....

My wife met every sexual need and more. I know we fell short in talking about sex, what we liked, what we didn't like. In other words we weren't intimate enough. I truly never had interest going outside the marriage