Well, it's official, xh is marrying ow tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a special day indeed, it is my youngest daughters 11th birthday.

I'm just wondering, does the FOG ever lift??? How insensitive are these two people?

I can't help but wonder if they ever stop and think about anything they do.

As far as them getting married, I really don't care as they have been living together now for 1.5 years. It will be the most honest thing they have done yet.

But, the thing that hit me tonight, that really bothers me is the my girls will have a step mother.
I know that I will always be their mother, but the thought of this tonight really kind of bothered me.

My girls won't be attending the wedding, as they are doing this while they are in school.
They don't seem real hurt about that.
Funnier thing is, these two claimed to have be soul mates, but this whole marriage has been a secret. My girls found out from their grandmother that it was happening.

WOW! Their dad must be real proud!

Just a vent, thanks for reading.

Karona

I'm surprised OW went for that. Children's birthdays always trump anniversaries. And just imagine if your X forgets it's his anniversary but remembers it's his daughter's birthday... because after all, you'll remind him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />Oooh, OW would be pissed.

Sorry about the pain this causes you and your family. I do not think that affairs foster caring thoughts about others. I think the reason it is so painful is the in-your-face selfishness of the parties involved. Their illicit afffair is an obsession and they seem to be out of control. The dust will settle some day.....reality will come to the surface.

I know that BS can rise above it and find healing but I hate what this does to our kids. Just the loss of respect that the kids feel is hard to watch. I think my son lost respect for me too cause I let some things continue that I shouldn't have.

I would HATE my kids being involved with OW so I know what you are saying about the step-mother thing.

You will survive this

TW

Thanks ladies!!

Greengables, I'm not so sure that he wouldn't forget her birthday.
I didn't mention this part. That he was to have given her a birthday party, but took that back because it wasn't convenient for him.
He promised her to take 4 friends to the mall, give them each $10, (which this is huge for him). Now that the time is here, he let her know they will have to do it later in the year when it's more convenient.

I hope you are right though. I hope he does remember his daughter, and does an oooops on the Ann., if only just once.

Thanks TW! You are so right. I have pretty much come to terms with the divorce, and it's okay for the most part. Not where I wanted to be at 42, but, much better than living a triangle too.
But, like you said, I hate it for my girls. It is so unfair to them.
I know they get tired of going back and forth all the time.
I'm kind of a home body. A little travel is good, but week after week gets old. So, I can only imagine how my girls feel.

It's sad that you feel that way about your son, and I'm sure it's not true. From your sig line, it appears that you gave it your all. You can't fault someone for that.

Thanks to you both.

Karona

Hi Karona,

Sorry to hear about the impending nuptials (GAG) but,is it ever a surprise? What a joke though.Destroy one marriage so the perps can go out and get married themselves(really karona,where IS the honesty here?) and think nothing of it.What a couple of hypocrites.I think it is safe to say the fog lifted and floated away and what's there now is just plain ole choice,again.After all that time they have been together,I don't think it's fog anymore.It's the way in which they choose to live.

And I do feel for you regarding your girls.I have 2 of my own and thus far,my WH has not even talked to them about homewrecker nor has she been around them or even spoken to anyone in my WH's family and most likely never will.No one cares about the homewrecker and hate what she stands for so she is not welcome in the family,naturally.I don't know what the future holds but I am also bracing for the worst: marriage,offspring,etc.Puke.I don't care for myself but like you I do care that it will somehow impact my children.I am lucky in the sense that WH lives in another country,where the homewrecker resides so we will never bump into her and my WH only sees the kids EOW.

Thankfully your girls will not be exposed to the spectacle of the charade of this marriage between your X and the OW.That is a blessing IMO.And,if I may say so,this OW may be legally considered a "Stepmom" but I would make sure that your DD's don't feel pressured to call her that or feel obligated to accept this woman as your X may see fit.It's clear that this woman was part of the destruction of your their parents marriage and their family as they knew it and they owe her nothing.You can bet that I will be telling my girls that they don't have to call homewrecker anything or even feel the need to accept her.IMO she has no business in their lives.My girls have one mom and one dad and the rest stay out.I know this may not work for everyone and everyone has their own opinions on how to handle this type of situation but I am very clear in my mind about this if it comes my way after the D is final.I am waiting for anything my STBXWH tries to pull.

You have always sounded like you have a good head on your shoulders so I think you will be OK.I would make myself busy all day(tomorrow) and not give a thought to other matters.We know it has a slim chance of lasting.They are doomed from the get go! LOL

Take care,karona~

O

This morning my little Birthday girl was having a bad hair day (in her opinion, and I guess it was kind of wild), but that sent her to her room to hide under the covers, crying.

She said it was her worst birthday ever. I said, why? She said, because My dad is getting married and it's my birthday.
I asked her if I could help make it better, and she told me there was nothing I could do to make it better.
Talk about an immediate pain in the heart.

We got her hair straightened out, and she went to school, but not as the happy child she usually is.
Poor baby!

Thanks October for your reponse, and the compliment.
I do try to do my best, but sometimes best doesn't seem good enough. As a mom, I'm sure you know that feeling from time to time.

I asked her if she mentioned to her dad that she was upset about this, she said no, I didn't want him to know.
But, she did ask him why he is getting married on her birthday, and he said,
"it just happened that way" classic line from his mouth once again.

What a crock!

Karona

Well,it truly is just another example of your X putting himself and the homewrecking OW soon-to-be bride of Frankenstein(sorry,just feels that way to me) first.I feel sad for your DD.Now she will always have that black cloud over her special day.At least until she is older and can decide not to give a darn anymore.I am truly sorry about that.He could have PICKED ANY day other than her birthday or another significant day but no.

As I am sure you are already aware of karona,your best as a Mom doesn't always take the pain away from our beloveds.All we can do is be there and hold them tight and love them.

Do make sure your girls get their feelings out somehow ok? If not to the appropriate person such as their Dad,maybe a journal or to another trusted adult if not you.Their sad feelings should not build up and affect the way they live as an adult.They need to purge it all as it is happening.

I will never understand,and maybe I am glad that I don't since I am not like them,how WS's can do these things to their children let alone us.I don't know how they can live with themselves.

I just realized too.TODAY is the day of the charade/marriage right? I looked at the date your first post was.YUK.Are you doing anything special today with your sweet little one? Something that may totally overshadow the other plans going on?

O

Oh Karona-

The soap opera continues. Here's a (((hug))) for you and your daughter's. I know you want to protect them, but this is your XH's issue. Take the time to be with your girls and comfort them, especially the birthday girl, but don't own the problem as it is out of your hands. He is such an insensitive creep! I would like to get my hands on him.

Will you be doing anything special for the birthday? I know she says there is nothing you can do to make things better, but I know you are a great mom and you will make it a day she will remember for the positive things you do as a family.

Hang in there. Keep up your great attitude. This too will pass!

Take care and God bless!
K

On my kids birthdays, I remember their birth. I think back on the whole experience. I tell them the story. What we were thinking of naming them....how long the trip to the hospital was...what time I woke up in labor.

Maybe to make your daughter feel special, she should start a new tradition. Maybe your daughter should ask Daddy to tell her the story of her birth every year on her birthday. What a special tradition that would be!

What stupid OW would want that for her anniversary? From today forward, her husband can spend time recalling the joy he experienced with his real wife on the birth of their child.

hehehehe...

Your so right October~~ there are many things in life that we can't fix. I guess that's what builds character isn't it.

Still, your right too, this is ALL HIS. And he is going to reep his one of these days.

And Lexxy, I didn't have a great opportunity to do as you suggested, but I did make it a point at 3:04pm, to give her a big hug and kiss! I let her know at that moment, 11 years ago she was born. She got a big grin!!!(thanks for the tip)

So, for her birthday, she had a friend over. Just to add one more grain of salt to her day, her friend was 1 1/2 hours late getting there. I think she thought she wasn't going to come at all.
My oldest daughter had a friend over also, but my oldest also had play practice, so I was left with the friend. That would be why I couldn't do the birth story advice that Lexxy suggested. I tried to make the best of it. It wasn't my plan to have it this way, but sometimes things work out weird, and you have to roll with it.

The birthday girl wasn't her typical happy go lucky self, but I think she had a better day than it began.
We went to Pizza Hut, and the girls had fun there.

Oh, and one more detail I found out.
X and OW took her daughter along to the marriage. It was just a court house deal, but goodness sakes. How do you pick one child out of three??
Talk about making these two girls feel out of the loop.
I apologized to them for it. My oldest said, it's okay, I didn't want to go anyway.

I appreciate your understanding in this and all of your kind words.

I'm so thankful for this site, and for great people like you all.

Karona

Karona

What did you mean by this


I think you misunderstood me. Hope you don't think I said that I would hate my son if he had an affair? I meant I would hate for my kids to have any step-mom interactions with OW.

And so sorry your X is hurting your daughters. He does seem like he is in his own little world. It is so hard to understand how some parents can do the damage they do to their kids but with your love and concern, your girls WILL make it. I wish my mom or someone taught me how to express negative feelings when I was young cause they get so magnified when left inside. Try to get your girls to express themselves and learn that feelings are not fact.

TW

Oh goodness TW, I didn't mean anything negative at all.
I don't know how to do the quote thing, but this is what you had said that made me feel bad.

"I think my son lost respect for me too cause I let some things continue that I shouldn't have."

I don't know your story, but you sig line says you let him move back in, so that tells me, you gave it your all, and he still chose his own selfish way.

You know, in some weird way though, I feel like this marriage was the final chapter. It some weird twisted way, now, I can proceed with my life. Don't get me wrong, I was not in anyway, shape, or form waiting for the x to turn around and come back. I gave that up long ago, but, it is like it truly is dead, over, done etc. I finally have the freedom inside to move on.
Now, all I need is the other half! HaHa!!

Thank you again for your kindness.
I'm sorry for the confusion. I in no way took it the way you thought I may have.

Karona

I can't tell you how angry this kind of thing makes me. Children need to feel valued by the important adults in their lives. Children need adults they know love them and can be trusted. When adults abandon them in this way how are they to know who to trust and who to not trust in the future? The fear of abandonment - especially without cause on our part - is a fear that is hard to overcome later in life.

There are few things that make me madder than abuse (emotional or physical) - especially towards children, or even animals, that are dependent on the abuser in some way.

I know Deja Vu, you are right.
But, for once, I feel like he has fried himself.

Through all of this affair, separation, divorce, and then his living situation, I wondered if the girls really saw what was going on. Everyone says, the kids will see. But, I have felt for so long, that he has "the life" he moved on and I have the sappy life.

But, through all of this, I think I have seen the light. I didn't have to say a word. It was all there, and I believe they do see what he has done.
And, it so sad. There was a time when I would have been happy for them to see him as the jerk he has been, but now, I feel sad.
Sad for my girls. That there dad has this new life, and most of the time, it's doesn't include them.

I will remain the stable parent for these two precious girls. I hope that someday, I find the guy that fits into our lives, but until then, it's us three girls!

Thanks for your support.

Karona

Oh---now I see what you were saying. I lived with my husband for 33 years and he drank and did his own thing but he was responsible and tried to be caring but his drinking made me miserable. My older son knew this and he was the one who encouraged me to let the marriage go when the affair happened. My son wanted me to happy. I don't think he really lost respect for me but he does not understand why I stay in some situations that are not productive or that make me unhappy. We have discussed this so I do know how he feels about my letting the alcoholism of my stbx destroy me emotionally.

I can relate to this cause I was just thinking today that I would not have any trouble moving on if my stbx divorced me. Biblically, I would be free and emotionally I would move on but I have to divorce him and I can't get to that place for some reason. But I am not in any pain where I am, not longing for another "Romeo" to carry me off in the sunset or am I just sitting in limbo. I find all relationships difficult so maybe I am better off living alone.

TW

Whew, I'm glad we got that cleared up. I didn't want you to think I meant anything negative there.

You know TW, no one can tell you when you will get there. Just one day, you do.
I wondered if I would. I had a very good friend get very disgusted with me because after all my x did, I said I would take him back. She was disgusted with me. But, until you are in the position, a person can't tell you how they really would act.

You will come into this in your own time.
Your H has given you all the reason in the world to divorce him. Adultery is complete grounds for divorce. Both Biblically and morally.
But, you have to be there, for you.

If you are okay with the way things are, and are not ready to move on, then that is your choice.

Take care of YOU!!

Karona