I found out thru a complete stranger that I am "separated"...

I ran into a mutual friend of mine & WH - He wanted me to wave to his male friend - which I did..His friend comes over tells me how attractive I am - what's your name, etc. Aks if I'm married - (no, he wasn't hitting on me - he's a way older man) just as I was about to answer - the original friend says - hey, you were just sitting w/her husband having a drink..Oh, so your separated??

I'm like what the HECK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> So I ask him - where did you hear that??? He tells my over a drink w/my WH - that he has only met my WH twice and that nite he asked him if he was married - WH replied - we are having problems - we are separated......

What exactly does "separated mean"...We still live in the same house..Yes, we are emotionally/physically separated from each other but we are NOT LEGALLY SEPARATED...

WH Never in the past discussed our issues w/people that frequent that bar since we both go there and have been for many, many years...People have asked me what's going on - and I've replied that WH doesn't want to be with me..He hangs w/his daugher, SIL and a guy friend...

Is he now telling people this since I'm sure many ask where I am ???since he goes to that bar and I don't..Heck, he's there 3-4 days a week...But, no he doesn't have a drinking problem... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Is he telling people this so if they see him hitting on yet another bimbo or comes in w/one of his tramps that it won't be an issue since "We are Separated"...??

Yes, we should be separated and someone should file for a D - but we aren't there yet...Legally..

I guess I should assume that he also is telling women this same story - so girls - if you met a guy and he says he's separated would you go out w/him???? I guess if I was single I would - I would assume divorce would be the next step which it probably will be w/us..He probably tells them we haven't filed yet becoz of $$$$ - and that's half right...he should add that his BS still has an ounce of love left so she's dragging her feet..

Maybe this just bothers me since I don't tell people that - though, I don't offer any info on my marital status...
Yet, I heard about it from a complete stranger....and someone my WH just met..

Ranting here...

What status does "Separated" mean to potential OW? AVAILABLE??????

So since I'm separated I guess I'm allowed to date now too???? PLEASE

Why don't you ask him?

How gutsy are you? Maybe you could go up to him in the bar, in front of your friends, and ask him what "separated" means so you and all your mutual friends can have the same understanding.

(I personally wouldn't have the guts to do this myself - but I wish I did!)

"""Why do I keep allowing disrespect?"""

To answer your other question, because the choices you are making. It Hurts, I've seen you around these boards for a day or two and only you can improve your situation. It's not going to be improved at the bars, with the horses, with another man. It will only be improved when you choose to take the necessary actions to improve it.

You are married. Coming over and post a rant about being available for dating on the after divorced board is not helpful to your situation. You are married. He is going to walk all over you and you are going to continue taking it until you get out of the sitution. And sadly, this post, once again shows that he has control over you.

What is it going to take for you to realize that you are worth more than all this BS and for you to stand up and do the right thing?

AND PS..... Though I know it's just a rant... Let me just say that the last thing I think you need right now is to be dating. This situation is heavy enough without throwing in another body. If anything, I think you need to go on a diet and loose about 180 pounds, that's presuming your hubby weighs about that....

Hello, ITHURTS,

I'm sorry that you are having marital difficulties, and that your husband is so disrespectful of you. But I'm not sure why you are on this particular forum - since this forum is for "After Divorce." I'd think you would be better served on the Infidelity forums such as General Questions II.

That said, I can tell you that one of the criteria I used when reviewing profiles on the dating websites was marital status. To me, separated is still married. And I would not date anyone who is separated, because they ARE STILL MARRIED. I suppose there are all kinds of extenuating circumstances in some cases, but that's my take on the "separated" issue.

T

I agree, seperated is married...is more room for extenuateing circumstances, especially if for years...but then that begs the question of why not divorced? IMO one takes a huge (and unreasonable) chance dating someone seperated...and if you are the one seperated, you will have a hard time attracting quality prospects, they mostly won't date you...so your chances of a loser are greatly increased. Better to get your stuff in order, process the marital failure, go to the gym, whatever...and hang out with friends or such, maybe group date...but don't get into a "relationship".

Keep in mind that wayward spouses are liars.

It is as simple as that.

He will define and redefine separated to mean whatever he wants it to mean at that moment.

They lie. They twist the truth. They can't be trusted.

You need to take control of the situation and stop letting him pull your strings. Read Harley's book and go into Plan A or B whichever is appropriate. I also suggest posting this in the areas designed for married people struggling with the wayward spouse. You will get more and better help there.

It Hurts, I assumed you were being ironic about asking if you were entitled to date given that your h. is telling everyone you're separated. So, I'm not going there.

Would I date a man that was separated? Most likely not. First off, even in my more naive days, I gathered that many men got around being married by claiming they were separated. Second, married men don't hold attraction for me and never have.

On the other hand, if someone has been separated for a long time and has a valid reason for not yet being divorced, I might consider it. "Long time" is counted in years, not months. Don't ask me for valid reasons because I haven't a clue what one would look like.

So, what's your pithy comeback? I'm thinking something like "Oh, that must be his doppelganger that's in my house then!" Or "Oh, it's opposite day and no one bothered to tell me. ... Well, it must be opposite day if H is telling people we're separated, because we still share a home." "Ah, yes, well, my husband will say things like that. You may not have noticed, but he sometimes thinks he's Batman, too. The doctor said we'd start to see results, but it may still be too soon."

Sorry you had to hear this.

I guess I posted here on the Divorced board since there isn't a "separated board". To me separated is living apart and either working on your M or just putting space between the M as to decide what one really wants..A time for decision making..not dating..

I wanted other's opinion on what it means, would they date them, etc.

I am no way ready to date - I'd like to think I could since WH "dates" but deep in my heart I couldn't..But, it does boost the ego to know others would/could be interested.

Almosthome - Your right I do need to get out and I know that - I also know that the situation has gone on for too long - my leaving will not have the same "whatever" should I have left him sooner. But, working together has been 1 of many reasons I haven't left.

3 of his guy friends talked w/me yesterday - and they feel it's time for me to get a backbone - though, every time I have stood up to him - he still wins..He emotionally tears me apart..They have convinced me to step up and control some things at work - and if he files for D - then so be it..let it happen - but, take this stance and DEMAND respect.

Justin - Your right about they WS's lying etc. We here at MB understand that - others that haven't been down this road don't see it..They believe the WS, the separation stories, etc. and fall right into the trap. They believe what they want to believe that makes them feel good at the time..

Well, I'll hop off this section of the BB for now - but, I bet it won't be long and I'll be back..

Hi again, ITHURTS,

This isn't exactly the "Divorced" board... there is a "Divorced/Divorcing" board for discussion of the whole divorcing process (including separation), the Infidelity forums to discuss how to handle the whole infidelity issue - including what to do when working through whether or not the WS will stop the affair and recommit to the marriage.

This board is for people to discuss dating and beginning new relationships after they are divorced. I think that most of us here, having already gone through divorce and many of us having gone through infidelity in our former marriages, A) would advise that you seek professional counseling if at all possible - infidelity and divorce are devastating, and counseling is a much better way to get some of your self-confidence back than seeking the attention of the opposite sex while still (technically or otherwise) married; B) would advise that you learn and actively apply the Marriage Builders concepts to your current situation - there have been more than just a few people who have been able to bring their marriages back from situations just as bad as yours or worse; and C) would be VERY leery about dating someone who claims to be "separated" without a little more background first.

Good luck.

T

ditto.

says more about you if you date when separated...that you have more of a desire to just be with somebody and escape some problems rather than taking the hard road and working thru the grief, getting to know yourself, being there for your kids, etc.

Plus if you have a higher power, then you are indeed committing adultery and are no better than your stbxh...or stbxw.

You're either married or your'e not.

Dating is FOR THOSE UNMARRIED.

There is no negotiations...should not be a grey area on this.

When I get, and this occasionally happens, on the dating site a wink from somebody who is "separated" I send them back an email saying this:

Thank you for your compliment. However, due to my spiritual and moral beliefs, I do not date those who are still married. Just as I did not when I was separated...and it was a while~ Many blessings to you, but until the ink is dry, this money is better spent on your kids, on anything more than a dating site until you are divorced and working on your personal healing.

Yea, that's what I say. More people need to be able to take the higher ground and realize what married means and what divorced means. It's an instant gratification society. So what if our husband of 10 years leaves us...we can put our red dress and heels on and voila! We can find a daddy replacement overnight today if mommy is feeling a bit down and lonely. Ignore what is black and white...do what FEELS GOOD and if you're lonely, then being with somebody who compliments you, dotes on you must feel good huh?

What kind of message is that sending to our kids? Wait. You've got time. Use the separation period for that if no recovery seems to be on horizeon. Work on you, work on grief. Be with the kids. Love them bunches. It's just not the time to bring home anybody else. Does anybody get this yet?

We come here and complain and whine about our horrible x's who cheat...only to see many BS's who end up divorcing also dating during the time they are legally married? What does that say? Can we say "joining the adultery club?" What one does to you, does not mean you should do the same to them....

In saying that, I must add...I did go out on a date when I was still married...however, I had been separated and it was over a year at that point...previous year and a half dealing with darths' affairs...

My ATTORNEY TOLD ME THE JUDGE HAD SIGNED THEM A MONTH EARLIER...PROBLEM WAS MY JUDGE WAS THE JUDGE WHO HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DID NOTMAKE IT...MY PAPERS GOT SENT TO ANOTHER JUDGE AND SAT ON HIS DESK FOR A FEW MONTHS...

SO MY ATTORNEYS TOLD ME IN OCT. THAT I WAS DIVORCED WHEN IT WAS NOT UNTIL DECEMBER...

Only reason I found out was b/c xh's girlfriend was very pregnant and a shotgun wedding was around the corner...he HAD to be divorced or more to utah,,,lol.

But did I feel gross and yucky when I found that out? Sure. I didn't go out with him again.

To me it's black or white.

And add this one: WAIT UNTIL THE ATTORNEYS HAND YOU THE PAPERS...DON'T LISTEN TO THEM LIKE I DID.

JP - you've written a very compelling piece. I could not have defended this position myself - especially in light of things that have recently happened to me. But, you can, and have. You have really hit on the substance of this issue, I think. And given me a new way to think about it. For that, I thank you. You are right. It is about a bigger picture, and not about finding rationalizations.

Despite anything I may say, in my heart of hearts I have always known I would not "date" until the ink was dry. Even if I'm the only one taking the high road. Now, I'll admit to being impatient about that drying ink - but that's another story. Guess I need to move that ink along faster!

Just a word of caution:

Seperated is absolutly married, especially for all the singles. You still live in the same house. You really need to discuss this with him, you need to have the understanding of what he is presenting. It does not matter what he is telling others, as long as you know where you stand and also where your marriage is and where it is heading. You need to find this out for yourself.
He can not have his cake and eat it too. He can not play it both ways. This is emotional abuse towards you.

Just Peachy ~ I am most impressed by the complete thought you've advanced here on the morality of dating while still married. Very well said! Thankyou for having the courage to articulate what is clearly an unpopular & largely ignored truth in today's society.

AND, yes when we BS's choose to date before the divorce is done, we've basically joined our WS's in the adultery tango. Case closed.

Rather than jump into illicit relationships, we ought to affirm this truth: The Sweetest Revenge is a Life Well Lived!
---> Take the HIGH ROAD!!!

High Flight