My husband and I have been married for 30 years (I'm 56). 2 months ago his mistress called me to inform me that she'd been having an affair with my husband for 15 months. When I asked him if it was true, he said yes and that he'd just broken things off with her. She was angry and decided to call me to see if she could break up our marriage. My first thought was "this can't be happening to me!". We're Christians and my husband has been the best man I knew. We've been to counseling, we've talked and we're reading the book "Surviving an Affair". I know we're doing everythin possile to restore our marriage and he has been remorseful for what he has done. Now for my problem - he's had her in my house and my bed - and I'm really having trouble dealing with these things. Most of the time I can let it go and focus on the future (we have 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren). There are times, however, that the thought of them together seeps in and makes me sick to my stomach. It's not even anger, so much, as a deep sense of loss, inadequacy, and what did I do to deserve such behavior. As you can see, I apparently have a self-esteem issue I wasn't even aware I had. I'm a nurse who just graduated 3 years ago (yes I went back to school at age 50) and he says our problems began then when he felt neglected. He says there's no excuse for his behavior, just stating how he felt. He knew this woman from his past and she looked him up on Classmates.com (look-out for this site!!). He says it's over and I have all e-mail addresses, access to cell phone, etc. and I believe he's telling the truth. It's just that when I find something out - like a weekend they spent together and the money that was spent - I get sooooo upset. There's more to all this, but I won't go into everything - maybe later. Right now I need help and support and don't know where to turn. Can anyone help me?

tlc

Hey Trish,

First let me say that I am sorry that you have to be here...but it is a very good place to start your recovery.

Second, it is the weekend, and it gets quite slow around here. The General Questions board does get more traffic, so you may want to try there. Be patient, people do care and they will respond.

Next, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I am 6 months out from finding out(d-day) and I still go through some major depression and deep sorrow. I, too, was never truly angry(although that does rear it's ugly head)...just hurt so deep that things hurt phsically. Every piece of new information will put you back into the d-day mentality. These are called triggers. They do happen a lot, so please do not feel like you should be past this...it can take up to 2 years!

You sound like you have started things off right. No Contact with the the other woman(OW) is a MUST. It sounds like your H is doing this. Please read through the information here. You will find some wonderful things. Also read others' stories. It will help you see the healing process. I think there is also some good things at the top of this index...WAT's guide or something like that. It could help. Also, BobPure has some good posts, so look him up.

I wish you the best, and will be here throughout the day if you just need to vent.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Trish C.

Thought I would chime in also,. My FWW and I are almost 4 months into recovery and it is because of the help I got here and Dr. Harley's program. There are still roller coaster days and some anger but both areas are getting better.

I don't think you need to be concerned about deep seated self esteem issues. An A is one of the most devestating things that can happen to us. As you work through it, I think you will find that you are indeed okay. The pain and the questions about yourself will subside.

Vaya con dios.

HEY DONT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ALONE AT THIS. IM 3 YEARS INTO IT AND IT GETS BETTER. I WENT THROUGH ALL THE ANGRIER AND EVERY OTHER EMOTION THERE IS AND GUESS WHAT??? GOD IS YOUR ANSWER. I STARTED GETTING CLOSER TO MY TRUE LOVE AND THAT WOULD BE GOD NOT MY HUSBAND. THE CLOSER I GOT TO GOD THE MORE I COULD SEE THAT MY HUSBAND IS HUMAN AND HE WILL LET ME DOWN MORE THAN JUST THIS. THIS SITUATION BOUGHT ME BACK INTO GODS ARMS, SO I CAN'T REALLY SAY I WISH IT DIDNT HAPPEN
BUT NOW I SEE THE LIGHT AND IT IS GOD AND ONLY GOD... HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE JUST ONE STEP AWAY FROM BEING YOUR HUSBAND, SO TRY TO FORGIVE AND MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP... GOD WILL SUPPLY YOUR NEEDS...LOTS OF PRAYERS FOR YOU

Hello trishc,

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry that you have been affected by Infidelity but also glad to hear that you may be on the mend from it.I hope your WH will stay true to being remorseful and working on your marriage.Being in NO CONTACT with the OW is paramount.I hope he can stick to it.

Having the OW over to your home and in your bed is really one of the most horrible aspects to this whole mess.They could have gone anywhere but he brought this homewrecking OW to your own home.As you probably read by now,in the SAA book,Jon finds his WW in bed with the OM and flees the bedroom after coming home to surprise his WW.Truly a sickening and disgusting act on your WH's part and that of the homewrecking OW.

So,how do you get past that.Well,unless you totally burn the room down and start anew,I would suggest getting rid of the bed,burn it like in a ceremonial or even just have someone haul it to the dumpster,and GET A NEW ONE.This IMO is a must.Get new bedding,maybe repaint the walls.Have your WH help as a kind of renewal of faith in your marriage.Read over on the recovery board or post a question about this issue.It has come up before so you are not alone in that respect.

Also,do keep vigilant about snooping and not trusting your WH just yet.It's still a precarious time right now.Your WH is essentially on "probation" and WS's rarely end the A right away.Withdrawal kicks in and contact can resume.Just be aware that most times,it does happen and have a plan with how you will deal with it if and when it does.

Remember,you were NOT inadequate and you did NOT deserve ANY of this OK? This adultery was all about your WH'S insecurities and very inappropriate ways of handling personal and marital issues.It's all about him and his selfishness.I hope he will consider IC(Individual cousneling)because Infidelity is rarely just about marital problems but also what the WS is going through internally and this may not be able to be explored by an MC alone.Your WH has to find out why he found it acceptable to cheat on you.

I hope you will stay with us.We can help.

O

Hello trishc,
Welcome to the MB.
I can truely understand where you are coming from. My WH has told me a few times that I am not the same woman he married and that I changed during nursing school. And if you think about it you and I probably did. We had too. When you are a nurse you learn to critically think and do so sometimes on your own. Being independant in your thinking and relying on your schooling and knowledge to solve a problem. In this, I did become a different person. When I married my WH I was just 18 and he was 34. I depended on him for everything. He was controlling and I let him be. He became a "father figure" to me and I did need that at the time. But times do change and we all grow. So you may have changed and become more confident in you decisions and actions. This still does not excuse his behavior. He could have talked to you and told you what he needed, his emotional needs. He chose not to do that. You were an innocent bystander, you did nothing wrong, HE DID.
I do try not to give advice though. I am new here and just found out 10 days ago. I do feel for you, and your pain. I have the same ugly feelings at times, wanting to blame myself for his actions. But then I tell my self that I did not cheat on him, I am faithful and have been for the entire 17 years of marriage. You have accomplished what I think of as one of the hardest things there is, becoming a nurse. That is something to be very proud of. I wish you luck and happiness.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's difficult to talk to friends and family about how I'm feeling because I don't want them to hate my husband. We're working on reconciliation and things are going well - it's just that I have things periods of regression and think about what happened and it all comes flooding back. Then i wonder if I'm just being stupid or what? I hope, and think, this site will help. Thanks again.

Trishc
I have had lots of encouragement from this message board. You are not stupid. You are among friends and people who have been there done that, and newbies like myself. I am hurting have these waves of hurt that come and go not just daily, but sometimes hourly.
How long it lasts? I have no clue. I have gone out of my way though not to discuss much at this point with family or friends that are close to us. I even wear my wedding rings around them, then take them off after.
Keep up the good thoughts. You are a stronger and better person than I am if you are working on the marriage. I am no way ready for that, but he is still in the home. We agree on one thing, raising the children.
I have found that chatting here has helped to get the thoughts and feelings out better than I ever expected. Keep reading and re read again. Sometimes you may pass over something that is not relevant at the time, then go back when you are ready for the next level.
I have read on Plan A and Plan B. You sound like plan A to me, there is a board there too. But I am not an expert or amatuer...more like a true beginner.

I am just coming up on 1 year since I found out about what my husband was doing. His started on the internet. He ended up with a women in a motel room that he only knew through chatting. Had no clue about who she really was and what she could have possibly had. I still feel sick when I think about it. None of it happened in our home but I still see images that really bother me. I wonder if I will ever feel good about my husband again. I've read all the books. We've talked until there is no more left to talk about. It just hurts. You definately lose something that I haven't figured out how to get back. So NO! You're not crazy. If you are then we all are. I know that affairs start with unmet needs but when an affair happens no ones needs are being met. It's just a matter of making the right choice. You made the right choice and your husband messed up. You did nothing wrong. A year later I still struggle with the thoughts. I still struggle with my self esteem and I want my husband to hurt as bad as he hurt me. No wonder God made it one of the Ten Commandments. It's a serious sin with serious consequences. Well, anyway just know that you along with (unfortunately) many other people are going through the same exact thing. I trully believe that only God can heal a heart that's been broken apart from an affair. It trully does not only mentally hurt but it causes a true physical pain also. Like none I've ever felt. I will pray for you. Stephanie

Dear Trish,

My husband's affair came after I went back to school, too. It's the same old story, I'm 8 years younger than my husband and was just 18 when we met and fell in love. I'm a straight A student going for a law degree, and he told me that the MOW was the antithesis of me, he liked her "because she was stupid". In other words, she talked about gossipy inconsequential things where I talk about news, politics, and what I'm reading. I became more self-confident and independent and I think he felt I didn't need him; where she was constantly complaining about her many troubles and her 'horrible' marriage.

Her attraction for him had nothing to do with her looks, or even her true personality, I promise you. We are now about 9 months into our recovery, and, like you, I find it hard, sad, and so deeply hurtful I never knew I could survive this much pain. But I also promise you that a remorseful FWH is a blessing, and things can get better!

Please be gentle with yourself, give yourself time, and go to an individual counselor so that you can talk about it in a safe place. Your instinct about the inappropriateness of friends and family is right on the money. Don't feel stupid. When you think you are married to the perfect husband you make all sorts of excuses for weird uncharacteristic behaviors. I did it too. What's the use of beating ourselves up over it?

The fact that I continued to believe in him despite evidence that something was up, actually reinforces his love for me now, and motivates him to be a better person and a better husband. It took me so very long to see that, but time eases the pain, believe it or not.

Take care of yourself, and I'm glad you found MB. I found this site early on, and though I couldn't "open my mouth" while I was in the throes of my despair and depression, now that I feel we are on our way to recovery, I can begin to try to give back all the help and support I got just from reading others' stories, and realizing that I wasn't alone.

Swords

trishc,
I think that you and your husband are doing great for as little time as you've had since D-day. Although I certainly recognize that it seems a heck of alot longer when there's so much pain involved in betrayal.

I don't think that my xWS brought the OW to our house and bed, but I've never been sure about that. I would be really sick to think that he had. It's hard enough to know that he created a relationship with her that was supposed to be exclusive to us. That he shared things with her that were supposed to be ours to share as husband and wife. He's the only one out of all three of us (him, me and the OW) who has all the pieces of what went on. To think that he may have further violated the inner-sanctity of our home with her is revolting. That choice had to involve another very specific, conscious decision on his part. The OW didn't just magically appear in your bedroom and bed out of nowhere. And I can't imagine why the OW would want to have sex there, unless it was some kind of ego thing for her. Yuck!

It's been hard enough for me each time I have to drive by the hotel my x and the OW went to. But at least I can avoid that most of the time. Part of it is to think that he spent the money on that room when we couldn't even pay all our bills!! It's not like you can avoid your bed and bedroom on a daily basis. Have you talked with your WS about these feelings? Perhaps the two of you could brainstorm a way to handle this issue. For me, definitely a new mattress ASAP. In time, preferably new bedroom furniture. Yes to new paint, bedding, comfortor, etc. Things that you and your spouse pick out together. Maybe even changing bedrooms around if you have other ones available to swap.

As Christians, you might want to even consider some kind of "Blessing and Cleansing" ceremony. The two of you could write it and ask God to bless your bedroom and all that is in it, as He cleanses and blesses your attempts to rebuild your marriage. Maybe get a Unity candle to mark this occasion.

The thoughts and triggers do lessen over time. Right now this is a deep, fresh, open, raw wound. Even if you had good self-esteem, it's still such a violation of one's core values and beliefs about marriage...and about one's spouse.

Keep up the good work. Discuss this with your spouse and set up a POJA about how to help resolve it.

I truly appreciate all the responses and words of encouragement. Last nite I asked WH the question that's been constantly in my brain - WHY? He said there was no reason, that he was tempted by OW and was weak. She flattered him, made him feel desirable, and he succumbed. He has had no contact since I caught him talking to her one nite (2 months ago). Apparently her true colors were showing when she threatened to call his boss and tell him about the A. My WH wrote her a letter and says he has had no contact with her since, nor does he desire any contact. I believe him - mostly because we have spent almost every moment together. My problem is I have these really great days, when everything seems perfectly normal. He's very loving and thoughtful and considerate. Then I see or hear something and the thought of what happened comes flooding back in. When I tried to talk to him about it - he gets vey depressed and says he knows I'll never be able to get past this. I WANT TO GET PAST THIS - I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW!!! How do you get past something so hurtful? I want my marriage to work - 30 years is a long time, to just give up now. We've been through a lot in 30 years - I just never would have thought infidelity would be in picture.

My husband says we can't do anything about the past - can only do something about today and plan for tomorrow. I know in my heart he wants this - I just don't know how to deal. It feels like I'm supposed to forget about it and move on. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I'm not a vengeful person, but it seems like I'm the only one suffering and I'm the victim! You can see how confused I feel - I want my life to be the way it was, and I kow it never will be. I've read about marriages getting better afterwards - do you basically ignore what's happened, answer emotional needs, and move forward? We went to MC and he said not to focus on the ditch, but focus on the road ahead. My husband thinks I'm focusing on the ditch too much, because I can't forget what happened. I'm still crying a lot and want to get back on the road, but need help.

I know I'm rambling, but I have a lot of pent up emotions b/c there's no one for me to talk to. I'm very grateful for this site and the support you offer. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hey again Trish;

The best book I read about Affairs is Private Lies by Frank Pittman. He points out that some therapists/MCs don't really believe in marriage or monogamy. I think that if the Therapist tells you you're focusing on the ditch, he is in effect telling you to get over it. Sorry, it aint that simple. You have to have time to mourn the man you had on the pedestal and nurse the wound of disappointment. Again, it will get better in time, promise. When I was still fresh as you are, and friends told me we would have a better marriage after this it would literally make me very angry. I think you can look forward to feeling that way someway but not pressure yourself to feel that way when you're just not ready for that yet.

My husband had exactly the same thing where the woman came on real strong and it flattered him at a time when he's approaching 50, and my father was in coma, and he's estranged with both his father and son, one of his old dear friends had a tenuous hold on life, his grandmother had recently died, and I was working and going to school, I was away from home literally seven days a week. He said he thought he was going to have fun, he made a big mistake and it just went out of control. He ended up feeling obligated to everyone's feelings -- except mine, he said. He said he didn't realize how much it would hurt me, and during the A he convinced himself that I wouldn't care, didn't care about him.

I have good instincts so I became ever more caring of him when he started acting up, and made time in my schedule for him, that started to turn the tide and he never actually fell in love with her or out of love with me. Part of what made me so upset is that he continued at home as though everything was fine: kissing me goodbye every morning and telling me he loved me, before he left for work.

I can tell you that as hard as it has been things are getting better. I agree with HeartMending that you are doing awesome to be this early in the process.

READ everything you can; it helps a lot.