Post-D or in the midst of a D - has anyone found "the one"? Your Soul Mate? Where does one look? I don't do bars. In fact I haven't ventured out in to the dating pool yet. My STBXH has, he's out giving out his phone number to girls in bars. How long should one wait before dating again? What are the rules these days?

Being single can be lonely, especially if you suddenly find yourself in that situation after a long marriage. and I have no doubt it's disheartening to know that your not-yet-ex-spouse is already chasing others. But my two cents: wait until your DV is final before you pursue others. My reasons are partly biblical, but even if you don't believe the way I do, just from a practical point this seems to make sense to me. Why create a tangled web being married to someone and dating someone else? And I'd be nervous about the type of men who would be interested in dating a woman who is not yet DV.

But then again, I seem to be way behind the times when it comes to "today's rules". I'm just starting to contemplate the possibility of trying to date, and my XH has been gone for over a year and my DV was final 6 months ago.

You don't want to jump out of the frying pan and straight into the fire. Give yourself some time to adjust.

Dana,


I think it is NOT wise to pursue dating until all ties are cut with the divorce.

How can one deal with pressures from home/family, the stress of legalizing a divorce, emotional stress of a divorce, physicially dividing up assets, etc and try to find somebody????Especially when the grief process can take quite a while.

Here's my deal...I am now 1.3 years post divorce...Have spent last 2 years just adjusting to title of single mom. Have had to dig outta the financial hole my xh, the wonderous darth helped dig for me, and yes, I thought I might have coulda sorta found the one.

Alas, it was b/c MY LOVE BANK WAS ON ZERO...NADA. ZILCH..

We run the incredibly high risk of falling for FIRST person who somewhat fills out lb. Now he's not a bad guy, it's just that da peach needs to set her trolling gear out there and see who's biting these days...(got me going redhat didn't you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have been consumed with being a mom first, and then working at a demanding job, and then trying to wrangle my home (this weekend it's the backyard) into somewhat decent shape...so when in the heck do i fit in a guy?

So I am actively beginning first steps of trying to do that. Yep. I sure am.

But I'd say WAIT, BREATHE, AND GET TO KNOW YOURSELF FIRST. Sure it's lonely. Our x's have somebody else (BUT THAT IS BECAUSE THEY'RE LOW LIFE SCUMBUCKET BOTTOM DWELLING CHEATERS AND WILL IN THE END GET WHAT THEY HAVE SOWN). I figure out that I'd better do this single thing right...take my time...take it slow...and that's cool.

Furthermore, if you are not truly single and are pursuing a dating or permanent relationship...WHAT SEPARATES YOURSELF FROM ADULTERY? i ASK YOU THAT...IT IS A MATTER OF LEGALITY OR IS IT A MATTER OF PRINCIPAL. My son trust me, also would have known if I had dated somebody adn brought them home to meet my friends, family etc. One day when he's grown, he will remember how daddy remarried ow instantly, and how mommy honored her marriage till the end..

So my advice to you if you're feeling more like cinderella wishing and hoping for a hansome prince to take her away from this misery, realize that he probably is a frog if he comes this easily during a divorce...he's probably a very flawed frog with many warts...give up the princess bit and instead pick up your sword and be Mulan for a while...serious kick butt princess with a can-do attitude!

Now my buddy Redhat here...seems to have found the CBTO (could be the one)..but again, that lucky dude was also at least six mon. into post divorce life than me...maybe even a year.

Thing is, you have time. Life's gonna be waiting for you. Do not compromise your standards or morals because you are feeling down and lonely. Again, ifyou have kids, they'll know all about who did what without you saying a word. My son does. And I have his respect. Period. It's worth that...having some alone time to get my life, my new life, albeit the good and the cruddy, getting it together before I invite somebody into it. Gotta think of it on those terms...are you really ready for that? Would it be fair to somebody else to bring t hem into this chaos right now? Probably not.

Yes, Diana, I have. At least twice. Maybe a third time, who knows?

I'm not making light of your question, but I was so lonely and emotionally drained that I KNOW I latched on to the first bit of attention that I received because it made me feel giddy and GOOD. At the time, I thought I was crazy about the guy, but I realize I was really crazy about the fact that somebody WANTED me, since the man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with had rejected me.

I don't really think that you should be looking at this point in the divorce process, either, but some will disagree. I believe that there is a grieving process that we must go through, and we cannot truly complete that process until all the papers are signed and the ink is dry. Some of us, who had fought for our marriages until that point, have waited until the ink is REALLY REALLY dry... And that was right for us.

I still believe that married is married until the divorce is finalized in court. And married people are not supposed to be dating. YMMV (your mileage may vary).

T

Hi Dana, To answer your question, no I haven't found the one. I wanted to add my view on when to start dating. I believe it varies for each person & what has come before & during the D process.

As an example, mt stbx said he wanted to D two years ago this July. We stayed together an additional year while "we worked" on the marriage. In fact it was me working while it's my opinion stbx was biding time giving verminimally to save the marriage. He likely would see things differenly.

That said, a bit more than one year after his first request for a D he said he wanted to go through with it. I knew he was not willing to seek competent counseling for himself or us as a couple. I didn't exactly start from scratch when the D was clearly going to go forward.

We are now working on settlement terms without much dissagreement, all done through lawyers. In my heart I'm done. I would not take stbx back. For me I'm free to move forward. Does that make me ready for a serious relationship? I doubt it, but I can start the process of communicating with men & maybe meeting for coffee. I don't have to get serious, just back into the game at a very beginning level.

Hey Dana,
I agree with the others about not dating until the divorce is final. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED"!!! Take this time to gather yourself and do lots of reading, counselling and and growing. You have had you legs whacked off at the knees. We have to learn to walk again before we can run. I seperated from my XW in Feb. and our D was not final until Oct. Everyone said "You need another woman". Boy, I am glad I did not listen to them. I took the time to get to know me. I sat in my apartment all by myself and read alot of marriage and relationship books, went to counselling,went to divorce care classes(this was weird... I was the only guy in there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) and most importantly, my Bible. My relationship with Christ grew so much during this time.I wanted me to be the best me I could be before getting into another relationship. If you jump right back in you are asking for the disasterous "rebound relationship" which is heading for doom from the get-go. A good friend gave me some great advice when I was going through this period..."when you can come home to yourself, go out to a movie or dinner with yourself and be comfortable with being yourself...your almost there". GRIEVE!! This takes time. I would comfortably recommend 1-2 years for this. You will be glad you did believe me when I say this. Hope this helps.

I am going to take a different approach to your question. I noticed that you are the wayward spouse. So was my wife.

As a betrayed husband, once I faced the reality that my marriage was over, I found it rather easy to accept the fact that there would be other women in my life. I expect your husband has reached the same conclusion I did. "She betrayed me, so what is the point of acting like I am married." I realize others here will have a problem with that thinking, but that is what went through my head. I did wait to date until after I was divorced as I still value the institution of marriage and I wanted to show my children that one of their parents took the marriage seriously.

First, what your stbxh does should have NO effect on your dating life. Second, since you are the WS, you should seriously look at the decision you made and why you made it.
You must come to terms with your past so that you will not repeat the same mistakes again. Perhaps your marraige had problems. Maybe they could have been solved. Maybe not. At the least you should have divorced your husband before you took up with another man. Where you having a mid-life crisis and the affair was a symptom of that? As women have become financially independent, they are free to do things like leave a marrriage of have an affair. Not that that is good, but they no longer need a husband to support them.

Justin - I can relate to this. I felt betrayed by lies and other things - and now with what has happened this weekend, by an OW as well. OW who I now realize has clearly been in the picture for awhile. As of yesterday, I felt I had no further obligation to act like I'm married - his behavior has set me free of honoring the legalities. There are no kids to influence so that's not a consideration.

The religious angle does not influence me in the slightest. The commitment of marriage is gone - he destroyed it and declared it dead, so why would I have any further obligation to it either? I don't believe the legalities are relevant as they exist for the purposes of handling financial and legal matters, not commitments of the heart. I do not think there were legal ceremonies back when the bible was written - I believe these are artificial "rites of passage" created by humans, not by God.

However, this is purely rhetorical as there is nobody else in the picture at this time. And, quite frankly, I'm still feeling (to my surprise) lots of hurt, resentment, and humiliation at his behavior. Which means, I'm best off waiting awhile before I start dating (if I ever even do). I have to rebuild my destroyed confidence and sense of value as a woman - which much to my dismay, is tattered and torn. I thought I was stronger than I guess I really am.

Here is the thought I've had - I know there are singles clubs out there - and I may look some of them up and try this as a way of meeting people. I would probably avoid events like dances, but maybe participate in other things that are done in groups of people, and in places away from anyone's home. In this way, I can socialize with other singles - men and women - without feeling like I'm being deceitful to someone I'm not ready to commit to.

I guess I feel like I need to defend myself here. Yes I am the WS, I have tried all the things that a WS that is committed to healing the M should do. I didn't "take up" with another Man. I have not continued to see or talk to the OM. It's been over 2 years since I last talked to him and it was a year before my H found out that I had the A that I talked to the OM. I have admitted my mistake, taken responsibility for it, apologized, reaffirmed my committment to my M. It's not like I am continuing seeing anyone else, I'm not. I wanted this M to work, why I'm not sure. It was not a good M to begin with. There is a history of abuse, physical, verbal & emotional. I tried as long as I could.

When my H found out about the A, he made the choice to stay. I did nothing but try to heal us, I guess the only thing that I did not do was worship him. He feels that I didn't do enough, it's hard to keep giving and giving and giving and have it thrown back at you because it's not "their way". I'm not slamming BS, I know how hard it is to try to believe again. However, when the WS is truly committed and all the BS does is throw it back at them and say it's not good enough because it's not MY way, what do we do?

I'm not dating, I've not even attempted to look. My H is out with anyone who'll take his phone number down. I don't hate my H I truly don't. I was just curious what the rules are these days. It's been almost 12 years since I dated anyone and I don't know how or whre to look. I'm not out looking yet, I'm not ready. It ws just a question to see what folks do these days.

Why the assumption of rules? are you looking for legal advice? are you looking for dating statutes?

You get to define your own dating rules, no one else does. . . you need to live by yourself, support yourself, and then decide what behaviors you want to accept and what behaviors you don't want to accept.

YOu need to learn how to say no, if you don't want something, or don't like something, or disagree. You need to practice these skills on men until you are secure in your ability to decide by your own rules.

My rules,

no smoking, good sense of humor, must be an honest person, must be a trustworthy person, must be comfortable with human sexuality, must be about my age, must be able to travel light, and varied, either by plane, by motorhome, by boat, or any other method. . . must be able to discuss and agree, abiding by POJA. . and must admire the ground that i walk on. . .

if they don't have it, see ya. . .

now, these are my rules. . . what are your rules, and are you willing to say no if any of them are broken, and then you have to practice saying no, until you are sure you can do it under pressure. . .

wiftty

Rule One: date when legally and morally single.

That would be rule one.

If not, then what did you learn as a WS?

If you're here, then hopefully you learned SOMETHING.

And you're BWS...yes he's a combo....betrayed wayward husband...is probably acting out of betrayal and pain right now...saying "ha...look at what I can do...you did it and now so can I." So what does it prove that you wish to date now?

It proves that YOU DID NOT IN THE END HONOR THE CHANGE YOU SUPPOSEDLY MADE TO YOUR BWH...

This is not about what feels good.

it's about doing what is legally right and morally sound.

Some may disagree with me...but hey, that's their right.

I think when the slate is WIPED CLEAN LEGALLY AND MORALLY, then you FEEL GOOD AND TRULY FREE. Then and only then would I feel good about moving on myself...that's what I did.

I know...I was freed by legal and spiritual law from a marriage on life support...from a guy who did NOT honor my vows or my role as a wife and mother. From a guy who did not at all try to change in one bit...except for a 2 month supposed "recovery" from ow1...and all the while I was unaware a second ow existed.

When I was freed of that burden, it was felt and made me realize that it was ok now...and I needed the time during the sep. to work on me, work things out in my soul. I strangely felt even freer when he married ow...I felt as though I was no longer held by any bond to that man anymore...my spiritual bond was completely severed at that point. Sure it hurt but what's worse? Being alone? Or being with somebody because you're not strong enough on your own to like being alone? Being with somebody because you just need somebody else to make you feel value?

Search yourself for the real answer here. I think you know what the truth is. If you truly repented, then you'd stay the course until the end and end this marriage in dignity...as it began.

I'm not dating, not looking, not trying. I was asking to find out what one does when you know your marriage is ending, I realize that everyone is different in how they handle this time in their lives.

As the WS - I know that I'm subject to scorn and attack because I was the one that had the A. I also was the one that really tried, and I tried hard to do all the right things. My H didn't see it that way. Like I said there is a history here and without getting into all the details neither of us are blameless in the demise of our M.

I didn't want it to end, however, I also don't want to put up with the verbal assults, the sporatic physical abuse. no one, no matter what they've done or haven't done deserves that.

I know he's out running wild, maybe as a BS he feels justified. I'm not ready yet. It's only been a little over a month since we've filed and there's a long way to go yet.

As as WS I am remorseful, and you bet I learned something from this.

Like I said before, it's been almost 12 years since I've had to date and I just wanted to know what is what. I don't even begin to know what to do or where to go or how to go about things. Unlike my H, I don't do the bar scene and I just can't pick up someone. Never been my style. And I'm not in the frame of mind to start looking for another relationship, this one is not completed yet. And I don't want to add more to my already aching heart right now.

There is no excuse for abusive behavior. Even Dr Harley makes it clear a BS gets a short time to vent, and then is to be treated harshly by their ws if they continue to behave abusively (just read that in his letters section as a matter of fact). Further, one of the worst possible reasons (and IMO a sign of the lowest character) is to have an affair and excuse it because you were betrayed... No one is responsible for anothers affair.

Dana,
It seems as though you got jumped on a bit, and it also seems as though you got a bit defensive (you came back and defended yourself - denied "wanting to date", and even tried to change the questions that you asked). Perhaps you were simply asking innocent questions that runs through one's head as we see ourselves facing divorce and the single life again. If that's the case, I'm sure noone intended to jump on you for your random thoughts - but that's not really how you posed them. They DID answer your initial questions. And you must also realize that this is an "After Divorce: Dating" forum, so most of your replies were directing you to more appropriate forums for your situation.

Dating should really not be on your mind right now. If it is, you can't help those questions popping up, so we're helping you redirect your thoughts. See your marriage and divorce through until the end, before contemplating daiting. The General Questions II, and Divorced/Divorcing forum can help you through this difficult time ... ummm... roller coaster!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Dana,

I'm going to chime in for just a moment here (and then head to bed, since I have to be up at 5am tomorrow morn).

I am also a FWS. My M (quite clearly) did not make it.

I think what might help us here would be for you to list some things that you might have learned since the A - not about your M necessarily - but about you and your own decision-making abilities.

For instance, I have spent over 1.5 years in counseling now - for myself. H would not do MC, so I went ahead and continued myself. I knew that since I had an A, then there were some things within myself that I needed to work on. I needed to know why I chose the A instead of D or another alternative. I needed to know why I chose to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse in my M. I needed to understand why I chose to be 'everything' for my H instead of being true to myself and to him. I had to figure out when I 'lost' myself, and how to 'find' myself again.

God, there is sooooooo much that I have learned.

1 week ago, I ran into my XH at the lake (against amazing odds!) - he was with his 'new' girlfriend of a month. Obviously, he had started dating her before we were divorced. He was all over her, and had the 'puppy love' face on the entire time.

If there's another thing I learned in my journey, it's that noone has a 'soul mate.' Love is about so much more than that 'feeling' of connection - it's honesty, committment, treating each other in a loving way, and respecting each other's individuality while rejoicing in commonalities.

Seeing XH that way did not make me sad that I had lost him. Instead, I felt sad that he did not understand what 'real love' was about. He is still caught up in the 'in love' feeling. Very similar to how I was during my A. Very similar to how XH's and my initial relationship started.

I, on the other hand, am embracing my individuality and freedom. I, too, have asked a question on dating recently. But I am certain - 100% - that I am not ready to be in an emotional relationship yet. I have learned a lot from my years of counseling and being on this board. But many of the changes have not yet become 'natural' behaviors for me. I still have to consciously tell myself "It's OK to be angry" or "I should say how I really feel/what I really want" or "I need to stand up for my belief."

When I feel that I am able to do those things without having to think of it first, then I will know I am ready to test these behaviors in a relationship. And even then I might have to monitor myself very closely.

I suppose what I'm saying is that it's perfectly OK to ask about dating. And to want to know what is out there. But if you don't feel you are ready yet, then it might be more productive to ask about what you can do to help yourself. If you do feel you are ready, then stand up for yourself, and prove to the rest of these guys that you ARE a changed person, that there is no hope for your M, and you are not dating out of revenge on your H, but because you are indeed emotionally ready for another committed relationship.

Please know that I say this with only the most heartfelt emotions, as I have been/am in your situation. I am just slightly defensive emotionally now because the entire M (both my H and I) ended up hurting me more than I ever could have imagined. And before I am ready to offer myself up emotionally to another person, I need to know that I can emotionally support myself first. I also want to make absolutely certain that the person I entrust my emotions to is on the same page with regards to relationships and love. And I am 'practicing' taking care of myself right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Good luck, Dana.

I have found "the one" since my divorce.

Although I wasn't looking for a relationship, what really cemented it for me was the fact that he was willing to wait until I'd dealt with all the demons of my marriage before we began a relationship together. There was no pressure and I always felt that he was willing to be my friend first....

I wouldn't advocate being involved in an intense physical relationship before the divorce is final. For me, the issue isn't so much that you're still legally married, I just feel that you're not ready to embark on another relationship before the other one is COMPLETELY over. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with the legalities of my divorce while I was trying to deal with the ins and outs of having a romantic relationship with another man.

I think it's possible to find a "soulmate" after a divorce. The problem isn't finding the man, it's dealing with the issues that arise during the relationship. I was very careful not to slip back into behaviours which eroded my previous marriage and I also remained at marriage builders just to keep my mind sharp on the concepts.

Finding a man/woman after a divorce isn't easy, but I wouldn't suggest places like bars. I find that the bar scene is generally a meat market. I met my future husband (we're being married in July) online. We didn't use any dating site, he just happened to share an interest in trivia and so did I.

Many people have asked me what the difference is between meeting online through a dating service and meeting by chance in a chatroom. For me, it's simple---chatrooms offer time to get to know the other person, while dating services tend to push individuals to meet quickly. Just like bars, internet dating sites sometimes become meat markets where men and women "cruise" photos of potential partners.

I have to say, after the hell that my first marriage was, I'm so appreciative of my new relationship--I wouldn't trade my sweetheart for the world!

I am probably the only person who didn't wait until my divorce was final.

Before I married, my priest had explained that the groom and I had already exchanged vows and were married in the eyes of God - we were only preparing to say the vows in front of family and friends.

So when I learned that after almost 8 years of marriage, that the groom had met someone else he wished to spend the rest of his life with - I felt we were already divorced. The legal stuff was just a matter of paperwork and time to me.

I had dated and was in some short term relationships before my divorce was final. I decided to give internet dating a chance. I met a few losers - including some married men who were posing as single men. Gross! In the end, I met a great guy and we've been together about a year now. We had been together approximately five months or so when my divorce was final.

I would say that whether or not you date before your divorce is final is a personal decision - and whatever that decision is - you should own it.

If and when you decide to date, I would seriously consider internet dating. I did an "experiment" when I started - I posted my picture on one site, and did not on another. My profile was identical on both sites. I didn't meet a single worthwhile person on the site with my picture. It seemed that most men saw my picture, liked the way I looked and didn't bother to read or comprehend any part of my profile. My quality responses came from the profile with no picture.

I find that internet dating is more efficient and it is easier to find people with the same values, interests and goals. All you have to do is find out if there is chemistry.

Good Luck!

Lulu -- (Hi, by the way)

Did you list yourself as "separated" on your online profiles?

Hi back! Long time no see!

The one forum where I posted my picture had an option of "separated/divorcing" and I chose that. The other forum was a bulletin-board type forum and did not have check-boxes - it was completely free form, except for the "female seeking male" part.

In those cases, whenever someone would email a response to my profile, I would reply to their email letting them know that I was mid-divorce, and that if they had a problem with that - or any questions - I would understand and/or try my best to answer their questions to the best of my ability. Most guy's first question was whether or not I had kids (I do not) and whether or not I was still in contact with my ExH (I do not - I leave that to my attorney).

I didn't have any problems because I was up-front about it. If I had waited until an actual meeting/date to tell them I was in the middle of a messy divorce - I could understand a nasty reaction.

Oh...I should also mention that I do not believe in "the One" or in soulmates. I believe that there are degrees of compatibility and that the success of a relationship greatly depends on the effort both parties wish to put in to the relationship as it correlates to the level of their compatibility.

Soulmates and all that...sounds nice, but I don't think its real. It sounds like fogspeak for those who can't handle the real, day-in-day-out gritty work of relationships. They are looking for an "easy" relationship. Totally MHO, but to me, "the One" is something they use to sell greeting cards and magazine articles.