[color:"blue"]Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or to feel a particular way. They want power, in some way, shape, or form. Manipulators prey on our weak spots.

Obsession and guilt are weapons.

Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves.

Sometimes we can disengage from manipulators -- walk away, set a clear limit, be done with them. Other times, it's not that easy. We may be at least temporarily stuck with a boss or authority figure that indulges in heavy manipulation. One of our children may be going through a relentlessly manipulative period. We may have a parent whom we care about deeply who has adapted manipulation as a way of life.

Learn how to effectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say. People fling words about to hit our guilty, vain, or frightened spots. Recognize that tinge of guilt or coercion you feel when other people are trying to force you to do it their way. Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn not to react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself if you have a manipulator in your life. You're not responsible for the other person's attempts at manipulation. You're responsible for staying clear.

God, help me let go the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what's best for me. [/color]

This is a gift from hazeldon.org. Hazeldon is an online organization that will email you daily inspirational recovery messages. This is a reading from the book More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

This particular message touched me where I needed to hear it today.

Just paying it forward for anyone else who may have needed this message today.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep-

Well if that wasn't completely topical to my day today, thanks for posting it.

-Caren

Thanks!

Today's thought is:

A negative attitude creates problems, not opportunities.

Some of us exaggerate small setbacks, making our lives far more complicated than necessary. Instead, we need to nurture a positive outlook. The wise among us say, "It's all in how you look at it."

Acknowledging our negative attitude is the first step to discovering happiness. As Wilhelm von Humboldt said, "I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves." We can't deny the difficulty inherent in many circumstances, nor the pain that accompanies losses. We can, however, choose to see our experiences, no matter how traumatic, as lessons moving us closer to the enlightened state God intends for us.

I will see my experiences as positive lessons today. No one can change my perception but me.

PEP:

Thanks so much for this yesterday. I have been struggling with this.

My teenage son " going through a relentlessly manipulative period", using guilt-provoking big-time.

He says stuff to the effect of: "I was there when you needed me and HE was gone so THEREFORE let me do whatever I want" (such as stay out all night).

Of course, we don't allow this but who wants to hear this disrespecful, manipulative crap....

SUSAN;

How can I view this experience positively?

Now out to do gardening with Mr. Mimi while "Mr. Entitled" who had to come in with a curfew is sleeping.....

Pepperband,

This means a lot to me. Problem is, how does one recognize when they are being manipulated? I seem to find out only when it's too late.

You say "no, sorry. You know the rules in this house." Then if he breaks the rules (the curfew) he suffers the consequences, whatever they are.

You stay cheerful and positive and do NOT let his emotions upset YOU. You control YOUR emotional reaction and your attitude.

Like it says, you are not responsible for his manipulation. You are responsible for staying clear.

Susan

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

After being manipulated enough (usually by the same people) I think it is something that you learn to recognize.

Examples of guilt manipulation: criticism, fault finding, blame, disapproval, ignoring an individuals existance, etc.

I think you recognize the signs that something is wrong. You feel uncomfortable. When you feel uncomfortable you recognize it in your body..."gut instinct".

Here is a good page:

Recognizing and Stopping Verbal Manipulation ~ Bullyproofing Skills

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

^^^Bumping this up^^^

Pep & Susan, thanks to both of you for sharing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I used this and was able to maintain my positive attitude yesterday.

Thanks a bunch, Susan...

I have a question about manipulation.
Maybe someone else has been in this situation?

My H was controlled and manipulated extensively in his childhood. Both his parents believed that children existed to make their parents look good, by doing very well in school, being silent and obedient at all other times, eventually getting a 'nice' job so they can wear 'nice' clothes and generally bring kudos to the family and make the neighbours jealous.

As a result, in his life, I think that H is wary of manipulation and control. I think he sometimes sees control when it is not there. He can even be suspicious of gifts. I do not expect something from him directly related to gifts I give to him.
I am very careful about DJs in difficult conversations where we have a conflict and I need to express my emotions about it. In the past he has sometimes still felt 'controlled' by me expressing my feelings and taking full ownership of them.

Is there a way to communicate that there is no control intended, just my right to my own feelings, values, opinions, goals etc?

Smur,
I think the easiest thing would be to talk heart to heart and be up front with your spouse letting him know you are not trying to manipulate him or to control him. Controlling a man often offends his masculinity. Men become resentful of power being taken away from them over time. To manipulate one is to control or play upon someone by using artful, unfair or insidious tactics. Watch your mannerisms so that your behavior will not be misconstrued in this way.

My spouse basically raised himself. His parents were not manipulative in anyway. They should have used directives in raising him but did not. As a result he likes to be in control, having the power to order things around him because it makes him feel safe. Fortunately he is a tremendous leader and does not use power in an incorrect manner.

Some people are control freaks because they were raised in very unstable enviorments and by being in control they feel they are the master of their ship. Able to manage life by controlling the enviornment surrounding them. Otherwise they could not function. This can be taken to the extreme in some cases which is not mentally healthy for the person who is the control freak or for those living and working around them. Often these people misuse their power at the detriment for others.

Just make sure that your spouse understands that you are not like his parents. You are not manipulating him. Are you trying to direct him? Or guide him in a certain direction.
If it is for a good reason that is okay.

Gypsy WInd <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Manipulation, tricky, isn't. Great pay forward, love this Pep.

So many BS protect themselves by saying their WS have been manipulated, which then enables justification and lack of accountability on their WS parts. WS do this as well. JMHO

I give OM no credit in my A. I was an Idiot all on my own, I made the choices, I was weak and I did not uphold my end of the responsibility to stay clear from manipulation.

I never want to be in a such a weak state again that I can be so easily manipulated, it is my job to protect myself, from myself.

To say you were manipulated is to say you were a victim, I was a victim, but only to myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pep, always a pleasure.

KY

bump up for *2 LONG* who feels he needs to defend himself from accusations thrown at him by his cheating wife!!!

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Needs to be bumped up today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> .... for Milkshake

Oooh, really good stuff!

Thanks guys - I was out of town when this first posted.

*jumps up and down waving arms and hands vigorously*

I married one of those manipulators too. Through my work on me, it turns out that I married someone just like my dad. Go figure! LOL. I was so COMFORTABLE with the way I was treated, and I knew how to react. But comfortable doesn't make it right, does it?

The tactics described in this thread, to combat those nasty manipulators out there, I use. Thanks to MBing from 4 yrs ago, I learned that it's not all about me, like I was led to believe. Oh the freedom from that knowledge!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It's incredible!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Now if only I could easily use the positive and clear thinking when it comes to dealing with my mother!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> LOL!

Karen

bumping up

Thanks for that pep.