If you have seen my other posts you know our story. Great, great marriage except I couldn't refrain from sometimes looking at porn. We were seperated early last year because she found Some search words in google tied to my looking. She moved back in last Decemeber but her Mom was adamant I had, or was having an affair. W asked me to take a Polygraph test for this. I agreed....besides the question regarding the affair a question was included "Besides what you have told me(polygrapher) have you done things sexually that Wife does not know about?" This covered 21+ years of being together. I decided to come completely clean since W had moved back in. These were my offenses...1) one night stand when W and I started living together occurred over 21 years ago..I was young and stupid and scared of commitment 2) I used to travel a lot (every other week)and I kissed a girl in bar after she told me I was attractive and we danced a bit. 3) Went to a strip club once with one of our salesmen...I didn't have a lap dance. 4) A few times I went to Adult Bookstores while on the road. Again no sex occurred. I passed the Polygraph...I've had no affairs, and I told wife of the items above.

She thought about the results a few days and decided she wanted out. I had these secrets and she very upset over the Adult bookstore saying that I was probably gay (I'm not...and have never been sexual with a man in any way) She wanted the divorce and was adamant about it. She felt betrayed, shamed and cheapened by my actions.

We got divorced a little over two months ago. I have been seeing a counselor,reading self help books, praying, going to church, etc. I see where I have failed. This past weekend the ex-wife came to watch my daughter and I Skydive...afterwards EW and I ended up at her place and we talked. I had not seen her for over a month. I apoligized again for damaging our marriage and we had a good discussion about our love for each other, our married life, etc..we hugged, kissed, drank wine, etc. and eventually we had sex (although I had not planned to do so)...it was great!! and she ended up sleeping on my arm,or spooned together, that night like so many thousands of nights before. In the morning we hugged and talked like we weren't divorced.

After we had sex that night, she said she shouldn't have done it, and told me that she had sex the previous week with a guy she met several months before and had built a relationship with. From her accounts he is a divorced gentelman from the East Coast,with money, who has helped talk her through our divorce. he has never had children and said his EW cheated on him. We live in the Midwest, and he travels a lot and had flown her to Ft. Lauderdale the previous weekend. There they had dinner, drinks and sex. She is going to the East Coast to see him again this week. He's exciting and interested in her and makes her laugh.

I love this woman, I realize we are divorced and she can do what she wants. She says this new guy is her main relationship now. She also says she loves me, but cannot trust me since I lied to her a number of times about Porn. I make good money but I have divorce costs, two kids in college, etc. I am not rich financially. I cannot offer trips around the US, concerts, etc. I can offer back rubs, warm hugs, history of being a good dad, and provider.

I know I have to back off and let this new relationship find it's course and allow my ex to make her own decision. She knows I love her and would like to re-marry (but that's stupid after two months of divorce). She does not want to go back to the past but says she is not looking for a life partner at this point. She misses me too. I'm jealous... but most importantly I want my ex to find her own way. It has to be her choice..not mine.

Am I correct in just letting go and having God direct my course from here? I cannot be the second guy here after 20+ years of marriage. She never had an affair prior to our divorce and still blames me for causing her to file...calls me a [email]f@cker.[/email] I will recover if she never comes back but we had so many good years.

Are you strong enough just to let go and turn it all over to God? You are still worrying about things you can't control.



And the part about the money, it doesn't replace, trust, devotion, commitment and all the things that are really important.

She trusts this new man in her life...he looks her in the eyes and tells her what she wants or needs to hear. He is a change from our life. She was married at 20 and wants to know "what's out there". She does not doubt my love for her but she does not trust me. After all I did lie to her and do things I knew were not acceptable. Some of the stuff I looked at on-line (swinging, bondage) was only fantasy to me but she considers it the inner me. Regardless that we never did these things, nor did I ever ask her to.

No I'm probaly not tht strong...but I cannot make any other decision. I have asked her to attend church with me in a few weeks, and speak to my therapist about my, not her (and she has some) issues. She has agreed to do these things. She also said this past weekend she has seen a change in me...I'm more open and intimate.. but not enough..for her to trust me yet. I'm going to keep working to learn about myself and what makes me click.

My point is unless it's her choice to get back together again she will always have doubts and whether the right choice was made.

I hope she finds this guy is not the right person after a while and decides to work on rebuilding our marriage. Because I know I am the right person for her...flaws and all. I love her more today than I did 21 years ago.

I knew a guy who was much in the same way you were. He thought he was facing divorce and it was going to be final. He finally gave up on the wife and focused on himself and what he needed to do with God. Several months later his wife called him and asked if he would like to see her. And now they are back together. Everything works out according to God's plan. Our choice is to float along with the plan or fight the current.

That's what I have resolved to do. It's hard. When I asked her if she loved him she said...."I would if it wasn't for you." She is very mixed up over this whole thing...as I am. I'm going to counseling she chooses not to....instead she gets advice from her divorced "friends". As you say Art....all things will work according to God's will. Thanks for the encouragement