Hi all!

I have been a stranger in the last several weeks due to getting my thoughts in control.

Is there anyone out there that is going through a divorce and their STBX is still trying to control their every move?

I am in a situation that he will not leave the house and I cannot leave. Basically what both of our attorneys told us that we are broke until the house is sold. Meaning I am trapped. He cannot afford to give me child support until the house is sold. We had boundaries set and he is not abiding to them. He was supposed to stay with a relative for 3-4 days a week until the divorce is final. But he keeps coming home as he has every right as much as I do to stay in the house.
His excuse is that he misses the kids. So when he is home I leave. He gets mad at me when I leave. If he missed the kids and wants to be with them, there is no reason for me to be there!! This way, I avoid a fight with him. So that is number one problem. Which leads into number two problem...Every time we are together and talking he thinks we are working on our marriage. When I tell him that it is over......he goes balistic. In other words, I cannot be friendly to him because he gets the wrong message. So out of spite he cut me out of the checking account and when I want something, I have to ask. That way he still has control over me. What my therapist said is that he is very desperate to hang on and when one form of manipulation doesn't work he tries something else. But there is no solution.

Also he gets mad at me when I go the barn. He is trying to prevent me from being around my passion. I went there last night because I couldn't bring the kids with me yesterday (no money to pay for a sitter/cuz of the account issue) So I waited until he came home. I came home and he was p*issed and laid into me about how unfair I was being. What I am thinking to myself, is how is he going to handle himself when he was the kids on the weekends and I am not there. Again, I mentioned to him that he can be relaxed do his own thing 3-4 days a week and not have the worries about us rubbing each other the wrong way, he uses the excuse that he misses the kids. It is almost like he chooses when to be a parent and I have to be there. I feel he is trying to take away the happiness and self esteem that I am finally getting after all these years of struggling!!!

I don't know what to do? Suggestions....help?

Ali~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Ali
Not sure what to say,,,,,,,,I really have no advise all I can say is how I can relate,to the control issue.

Even tho H and I do not live together he still tries to control me in many ways.Even went as far as telling me he hoped that I would not get my finacial aide for school so that I could move back w/him.I do not know why he thinks I would move back I tell him almost daily that I wont.I guess he believes I will get to a point of not being able to make it finacially and have no choice but to move back,this is NOT going to happen.
All I can say is that they have a very bizzare thinking pattern,it is almost unreal.I keep asking my H how he can stand living in fantasy land all the time,you know its not a bad place to visit but I would not want to live there!!

Cutting you off your JOINT checking is the wrong answer. Your Lawyer and/or the Court need to know about that one ASAP. You're being 'unfair' just coz you want to go to the Barn and spend some time with your 'passion' or hobby? I think not! And I'm sure he indulges plenty of time with passions he likes and he does not explain things to you, nor do you try to prevent him from enjoying things he likes doing.
He is still FOGGY and screwed up in the head - most STBXs are like that: it's so easy and they 'need' to blame it all on the innocent Betrayed Spouse - that way they can absolve themselves of any responsibility for their screwed up wrong actions on their part. Yep, he's into the Blame Game to the hilt. Fer sure I'd be letting my Lawyer know about this crap on his part.
I wish I had better suggestions, but I don't. Once the house sells (do hope it sells soon) you will be free of him. And if he gets stoopit on you still regarding your children, then after the Divorce and Child Support Order, you have your Lawyer and the Court to put him in his proper place.
TDLOM

Where are you with the divorce proceedings....if that is going no where, you may need to file for a legal separation with pen dente or some other form of financial support if you have no access to money. who is going to the grocery store.

I am with Sauron - tell your atty about the checking acct.

I found that my x, back when he was my stbx, was easier to deal with if I just went on about my business and left him alone.

If your stbx won't carry on a pleasant conversation, can you avoid engaging in one?

As tough as this is on grown ups, I imagine it's harder for children. Try to keep their lives fairly normal.