Is anyone up?

I have a great source of anger living inside of me. And I do not know how to purge it.

It is the anger from the REFUSAL of my EX-WH to own what he did.

I realize I may never ever ever ever ever ever ever get that.

But I want it.

The same way I have owned the mistakes that I made in the marriage. Disrespect, love busters, etc.

But, he will not own a DARN thing.

He will not own anything now either. Will not own when he is disrespectful of me, my time.

Not own that he made a terrible hurtful choice to committ the A. PERIOD. Not because. Not due to the blah blah blah.

And I hate him for it.

Rationally I realize I need to find my own peace and forgiveness without ever getting this. Spiritually I see how I must forgive to be forgiven, and can make the analogy of my sins against God being far worse that this act against me.

I hd a conversation with the ex today, and it escalated to a conversation about the A. He told me he heard it had gotten around at work (so happens that my best friend was his boss at the time, and while she knew, he did not know that she knew, and she just recently was let go as part of a large scale layoff due to a merger, and finally let the cat out of the bag that she knew about it).

He was angry that she was telling the story about his affair, and not about how miserable he was in the marriage.

Are you kidding me?

And why does it bother me so much...even now.

Wow! I could have written your exact words. I feel exactly the same. I'm really having a hard time forgiving, moving on, and getting past this for exactly the same reasons you say.

I have no advice. But if you figure out the secret please let me know!

PS. Read my post in the lemonman thread to get a vibe for how I feel....

Cheers,

Miker

I'm with Miker...I could say the same exact thing DipT. In fact it's part of the source of my anger and UNFAIRNESS I feel.

Wish I could help instead of just commiserate.

Thanks for responding. I know this is a downer post, and in the old days, I tried to have somewhat of an element of sardonic humor, drama, and the like...but I am just pissed.

It is eating me up inside. And that just pisses me off worse.

Everyone says the best revenge is a life well lived.

Does running over him with a semi count?

How do I live this "well-lived" life?

My healing is so fleeting. Some days I am well on the road to recovery...some days I feel like I have gotten nowhere.

I am reading a Christian book right now called "Pursuit of Peace." Bottom line is, you have to fight for it, want it, desire it, and make it happen in your life (peace that is).

Does everything have to be so hard.

I am tired.

Ex-wh wants to talk about HIS pain. HIS loss. HIS financial stress. HIS life being in the crapper. How HE is trying to rebuild HIS life.

And I am over here wanting to scream,

"WHAT ABOUT ME AND OUR KIDS, YOU BONEHEAD????????"

He is literally the most self centered person I have ever met.

Somebody have any words of wisdom?

Nice to hear from you, Serendipity!

Why not try Post-D Plan B? It's wonderful.

You keep communication to the absolute basics -- preferably in short emails. And don't talk to him anymore.

He's not a pal, after all, and you don't have to pretend to be "friends."

That way, you begin to own the anger as your own issue. It's YOURS. The trouble is, you keep trying to get something from him he is not going to give you, and may never give you. It's frustrating and hurtful. What's worse, it keeps you tied to him. So drop the jerk.

Wasn't Plan B refreshing the first time? There's no reason for it to end now that you are divorced.

How about... Don't talk to him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It think part of our problem is expecting that they will at some point "see the light".

Miker

Ahhh...AMM. Thank you so much for replying. You were a great resource to me in the depths of my deepest needs.


He will not respect this. He does not respect ANYTHING I ask him to do. Nothing.



Oh, but he is my "pal" when he wants something. Nice, charming, etc. And I find myself used by him. When he needs a ride, wants to "play" house and go to dinner together as a family, etc.

And as soon as he has no need to be in my life, whether physically through favors, errands, $, or decides he can get back to being dating unmarried, forgot he has kids guys, he is a A1A JERK all over again.

That makes me SEETHING mad all over again.

Mad at him.

Mad at myself for thinking he could actually have any regard for me that was genuine. Mad at myself for letting myself open up to him. Mad at myself for not enforcing some boundaries. Mad at myself for being this confident, competant, got it together woman, who let's this bonehead railroad her.


If I were being honest, I would say a little part of me likes the communication...wants it to be positive, we can pretend we are friends, that we are having a "healthy dyanamic" post divorce.

But it is not healthy. It is very damaging.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Exactly. I have no idea what my WH/STBX thinks anymore. I don't care. He's full of more crap than a Christmas goose. Why would I want to listen to his opinions?

Do I still have "anger issues." Sure. But it's got nothing to do with him. When a hurricane rips apart your home, are you angry at the hurricane?

That comment made me smile (about the xmas goose).

I should go back to no contact.

I cannot heal with him in my life.

Back to one of your original questions I also fight with.

How do you forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong?

It just seems so foreign to me?!?!?

Miker, I just went round and round with this on my thread. I don't know the answer.

But I'm going to find it.

GC

It doesn't matter what he respects or he doesn't respect.

Just like Plan B. You choose no contact.

Send his emails through a third party again if you have to, until he gets the message that you want it brief and businesslike. No personal stuff. As S.J. Perelman said, "Please don't give me nuthin' to remember you by."

No playing house, no going to dinner as a family, no favors, no talk. Let him pay for his own therapist.

I still get mad at WH. But you know, it's getting mad at the vapor. He's not there. He barely exists. And getting mad at vapor is pretty pointless.

You see, your XH still wants your reassurance that he's okay. You're pals. I sense the same from my WH, from the way he behaves in public. But since I avoid him pointedly and don't talk to him, ever, I really have no idea what he thinks. I'm guessing -- and my guesses are more and more disinteresting even to me.

When he dumps the loser, we'll talk. Maybe. If I feel like it. And I don't feel like it much. You don't have to be a patsy. No wonder you're still mad!

Thank you for everyone's reply.

AMM, thank you for your note... you are right on with your feedback.

I feel so much better reading this thread. I thought it was just me.

I can relate to everyone who posted. You gave me a little empowerment. I have strong days and some days where I just want my family to be a family.

I've got to get the plan B letter ready. And stick to it. I am puddy in his hands. I'm not proud of that.

Dinky

Serendipiti:

WOW, I am impressed with how you could write EXACTLY what many of us probably feel. You hit it right on the head there. Not much else to say. Nice post.

LM

It is funny. My quest to heal has been such an uphill battle really.

Some ponderings:
Sometimes it is like I am sitting outside of myself watching it all going on, powerless to do much about it, almost like a spectator. Some circumstances I encounter seem to happen like in the movies. The sound is muted. The characters are moving slowly. I can see it a mile away, but the inevitable happens anyway. And somehow I am disengaged from any emotion surrounding any of it. Explain that...being that I am possibly the most emotional person walking the planet.

Sometimes my emotions are all it is. Since my divorce, I have fewer and fewer low moments, and they usually come at very unusual times.

I was on a plane trip to San Francisco on business, and I started bawling on the plane trip home. I had my laptop with me, so I pulled it out and started writing. I wrote a 5 page document called "My pain." Now I realize it is because travel was always something I once really enjoyed with my H, and how I will not have anyone to really share that in a romantic sense anymore.

Or, I hurt due to circumstances that my children suffer. I was at church, and my 10-year old son went to the alter to pray, and was just totally sobbing, his body SHAKING from the intensity of his pain, and this killed me.

Sometimes I want to want to be a documentary film maker. I want to make a movie on the evil of adultery.

I would get a camera crew to tape the words of the Wayward spouses, all recounting things that seem to be SOOO unique to their situation, but they all sound exactly the same. Sometimes I read the newbies on the board and hear the same fog talk their wayward spouses are spouting, and it is almost SCRIPTED it is so consistently NOT special or unique.

Then, I would film the pain, utter destruction, complete soul crushing blows that the betrayed spouses suffer. Show how they lose weight, how they pass out from lack of sleep, how they stand poised ready to end it.

Then, as the climax of the movie, I would film the children.

This would be my most complete component of the movie. I would film the children blaming themselves. The children confused about what their parents are going through. The children, like my 10-year old son, on their knees praying to God because the wounds of the divorce cut so deep. There would be no way to walk away with a dry eye.

Then, I would characterize the devil....laughing...laughing so hard that he could bring down a family with such a contrite, stupid, simple act as lust and pride and selfishness. And the worst sin of all, lies...lies these people tell THEMSELVES. They are steeped in the stink and filth, and ugliness of the whole situation, and they think instead they are lovely and beautiful and smell like roses.

Not sure if I would ever sell any tickets. But it would be cathartic, creative, interesting way to communicate what I have been feeling and experiencing.

My ex-WH is so lost. He thinks he has it together. Thinks he is on the way to a special, fulfilling, promising future now. And he is lying to himself. He is ugly and he smells like rot. And he doesn't want to notice the flies buzzing around him.

Anyway, thank you to the board for letting me purge from time to time.

I do think it is an integral part of the journey to healing.

So how can you be "angry" at a person like this? He barely exists. When you see that, you won't want to waste your breath.

It's the need to convince him that has you all knotted up. You can't argue with a man who thinks he's right.

Let life teach him, if he's capable of learning. You already did time.

You are [color:"purple"] SO [/color] right!

Thanks again for all you do!

DipiT, Delean-De (kimmy)was looking for you earlier in Idiotville. **hi**

'dipity,

I don't know when your WXH will find the light, but I do know that I still love reading your posts. You have such way about you, with your words.

What a loss you are for him, and he is too stupid to even know it.

And aren't they all.

If you made that movie, no one would be able to watch it but the ones who should, and they would miss the whole point. They would not even see themselves in it, unless by some act of God they have found the strength to face what they have done and make amends.