Yesterday was exactly one month since my wife of ten years revealed her affair to me. She is 17 years younger than I and also told me that she loves the OP and that our six month old son is his. I already suspected as much in my heart but refused to believe the truth. She told me that she had ended the affair and and asked me for another chance to make our relationship work. Then she left me alone to boil in my own agony. She refuses to discuss the affair, it's implications or her lover. Her attitude is let's act as if nothing happened.
My wife is the victim of very early childhood rape by a close relative. She repressed the memory of the experience for 25 years and only just brought it out two weeks ago. I was the first person she ever told. She was sitting beside me on the couch when she remembered and I was there to watch as the horror blossomed inside her. We are going to marriage therapy and it's now clear to me why we never had a fulfilling sex life or any real emotional intimacy. She built a wall around the experience and in so doing walled herself off from everyone around her, myself included.
Here's my dilemma. I am fully aware of the impications of the situation as it stands right now. So far I have had to set my own feelings aside and give the woman I love the emotional support she needs. But lately my rage and pain have grown to the extent where I am finding it difficult to continue offering support and saving my marriage seems less important every day I am forced to endure the devastation of my life in solitude. I have told no one about the affair and have no intention of doing so. Going to a counselor once a week for an hour doesn't even come close to addressing my issues especially since now the focus of the sessions is in helping my wife deal with her own long repressed emotions. I need to talk to my wife and she won't allow it. Knowing the reason helps me to give her love and support but it doesn't help me with my own issues. She also tells me she misses her lover sexually but won't come near me or allow me to approach her. Again, rape issues. I don't know how long I can keep approaching a person I love deeply who has hurt me so badly and continues to reject me. Each day that dawns (it's 7 AM here) it's just a little harder to go on. I only discovered this forum this morning and decided to vent a little here. I'll be interested to see what response, if any, this post brings.

Hello campdog

I don't got a lot of time, since I have to go to work.

First, welcome to Marriage Builders, this is a great place to discuss your situation with very deep understanding and advice.
Start by reading all you can on this site, for you to understand more what's into the Affair (A) situation.

In just 2 weeks, you were given a lot of information regarding heavy problems, and the first advice I would like to give, is calm down, and do not try to pressure anything right now. You were not waiting for this, and is too much to take.

There is a special section on this forum, where people not only deal with A's, but also childs from it. They can help you better there.

Regarding your wife, and her past issues, I believe you understand, that violent things like rape, can scar someone for life. It is not going to be an easy road for either of you, and certainly not for her if she decides to heal that.
I'm not going to speak for your wife, since I don't know why she did it. Ussually A's are selfish things, but if she built a wall emotionally and sexually around her in your relationship, most probably, the A was just about the sex. I know, not easier, but I guess she didn't allow the other man (OM) to connect deeply with her, regarding feelings...

She did said to you all this things, and is not like she left you alone in your missery. I guess she didn't knew how to deal with it, and she was ashamed a lot and full of guilt to even stand there with you.

If marriage counseling (MC) is not going to be enough, maybe will be also good to seek individual counseling (IC) for each one.

Do not push details right now, if you are in, you are in for a long road, she will eventually tell you what you need to know, but when she feels safe with you. right now she was honest, and she said a lot to you. In that regard you are "lucky" believe it or not. A lot of us were told lies and lies even after finding out and throwing them proof.

She couldn't keep living in the lie, and it was eating her alive. That opened up a gap to heal and work on things which was good.

Be patient...

CampDog,

I am sorry for all your pain. I'm glad you are in MC, but as Matilde said, it won't be enough. Why are you afraid to discuss this anyone? I built a HUGE network of support from my Christian friends. Couldn't have done it without them. Do you not have one understanding person you can confide in and talk to about your pain? Nobody whose guidance you would respect? What are you afraid of? Are you embarassed? because you've done nothing wrong.

Don't feel as though I'm suggesting you shame her and tell the world. But as you are recognizing you need a support system and MC isn't providing it now and neither is she. IC will help, but as you mentioned an hour a week won't cut it.

I suggest letting your W know you will discuss the A with select friends or a pastor or somebody who will support you through this. If she is upset by that, then maybe she might be more willing to take your feelings into consideration and discuss the A with you. Stay away from details as they really become unimportant, but you need to talk about how you feel and stuff.

I understand your W is going through a lot but so are you. A's are selfish and she cannot continue to be selfish by focusing only on what she is going through and not giving you a chance to share. It isn't fair and it isn't going to work to help repair your marriage.

Is she really through with the OP as she won't let you have sex with her and talks about how she misses him? Are you sure she isn't setting you up to be left? Did he dump her and she is waiting for him to take her back? It must have been a long A and with a child involved, she will be tied to him forever. What evidence do you have that it is really over? Do not take her word for it, make sure there is NC.

Please find someone to talk to. The message boards here are helpful, but not a subsitute for a live person.

Good luck!
2

Thank you for your replies. It's true that a forum is no substitute for someone to talk to but it is an immense relief to just be able to vent in a place where others have some insight into my situation.

There is good advice in the above postings and it gives me something to focus on outside my own thoughts. To answer Godhelpme the simple truth is I'm not sure of anything since my wife won't open up to me. I only know what she has chosen to tell me and that is precious little. I do know that I have very little reason to believe anything she tells me. She admits to a two year affair and during that time she lied to me and deceived me with little effort.

I can't share my situation with the people I know since they are all family or close friends. There is no one I can tell about the affair who doesn't know my wife and family. If there is a chance that we will remain married I don't want to take the chance of poisoning her relationships with others until I know that ours is secure. It will be a moot point if we separate. There is also an element of personal shame involved since I know a lot of my friends would consider me a pathetic [censored] for not immediately throwing she and the baby into the street.

I love my wife and I love the baby. He was six months old when I was finally told the truth. At this point I love him as if he were my biological child and one of my biggest concerns at the moment is protecting him and my other son from the consequences of my wife's actions. My wife's lover is demanding his 'rights' with his child! What a pathetic joke. If my wife is telling the truth he knew from the beginning that she was married.

Thank God I found this forum. Right now I feel as if I can breathe again.

If you are in this for the long run, they will eventually find out to some degree and you need someone who can help you and understand some of the tantrums you are going to have in this crazy rollercoaster. Please let it be someone of your own sex. And someone you can confide in.
I had friends that at the begining of this, wanted to "kill" my husband, but I managed to put them a stop and understand that this was my choice and they had to respect it. The people who really love you will do the same I'm sure. But be very carefull on who do you pick.



You know? I thought about that a lot! But in the end I was the one who wanted my H back, and I was the one who was to live with my own choices. Of course they will say that, they don't really know how deep your relationship is with your wife. Everyone has the chance to make mistakes, even evil ones like A's, but is in the capacity of repenance and forgiveness that we grow and make a difference.

Just so you know, now the people who told me that and who tought that about me, and also knew the pain and hard work that I have endured, NOW think I'm an example to follow... Weird huh?

Keep posting, but you might have a look at other parts of this forum and the one with childs involved or GQ2. They got more traffic and you can get a more wide advice over there.

CampDog,

It is my family and close friends who were my network of support. Matlide is right in saying if they are friends they will support you through this and accept your decision to work on your marriage.

Did my friends hate my H? No. They are all proud of the TREMENDOUS work he has done to restore his relationship not only with me, but the kids and of course God. Because they knew, their H's were able to be accountabiltiy partners to my H and encourage him and check up on his spiritual walk.

Who cares if anyone thinks you are an ***hole for not throwing her out. Maybe you need new friends? They should be encouraged by the fact that you are sticking it out and believing God can restore your marriage. As Matilde said, in the long run, you will become an incredible example to them whether your marriage works or not.

In the meantime, what is your MC saying about the fact that your wife refuses to discuss this with you? All our MC emphazied was the need to talk, talk, talk. Please at least start sharing your feelings with your wife even if she won't share hers with you. Then find a MAN to confide in as well.

good luck. Glad our post were encouraging.
Blessings!
2

Hey all, I'm new and my wife just asked for a divorce a little over a month ago, she is now having an affair and is staying at the other guy's house right now while I am home alone with our daughter, I don't know how this posting thing works, but I really need some one to talk to.

Campdog and Missmybee,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reason you find yourselves here but it's a good place to be under the circumstances.

Have you read WAT's Tips at the top of this forum? It's a great place to start.

Also---please try posting in the General Questions II forum. All the vets hang out over there. A LOT of wisdom there. Weekends are a little slow, though, so hang in there!

Campdog, I have to agree with you about telling close friends and family about the affair. I think it will just complicate things. The only reason I would divulge it is to expose the affair if you discover that it's still going on. Have you been confirming that there's been no contact?

Godspeed,
Natalie

missmybee

you may want to post your experiences in the General questions 11 forum as it very busy and lots of experienced people.
Ask a lot of questions and read the books & info on this site.

campdog

my wife too had an affair and yes my peers would have said dump her, throw her out blah blah yadda yadda ..mostly I think is because they think its what you want to hear & that they are supporting you and also like I did before it happened, I alsways thought - cheat you are OUT!!!

well reality is different.

My wife is remorseful, and in pain like myself, hates herself and yes at first fought savagely to withhold details but I wanted them. For me it was important to know as if I was to forgive eventually I had to know what it was I was forgiving...... but she did not want to tell me no way, not ever..she believed that if i knew I was going to be out of there. And it came close I have to say. But I stuck and I am sticking.

Fear is what is holding her back, fear of losing you, fear you will leave.... because she knows you have that RIGHT!!

Ok you have made the choice not to leave & fight for your M so what do you do?
First its good to go with your W to get MC - I know you said you are going to m therapy but it frankly sounds more like your ww therapy because I guess MC wont happen until she is in a state to do it - have you thought maybe a counsellor for yourself to support you - yeah I know I wont go either...
Read the articles and subjects on this site - before you have your next MC & discuss with the MC - and be totally honest about everything.

Its bloody hard campdog, it will feel like crap for some time, you'll get the blame most likely first off - hey normal your ww will want to avoid looking at herself - this is where the Plan A stuff starts working in your sit..she will she this man -you - who has stuck by her, as the man she married, the real love of her life, strong, supportive, kind even through the dark times. She'll wonder how you could stand to be with her... so will you some days because we are not saints are we? - anyway lots to work on and talk about where you both went wrong in some ways.

The child is a big issue and the child may be the issue you cannot overcome. Not that the child is to blame of course but that you may be unable to accept the child because of the circumstances. If that is the case then be honest about it - does not mean you are bad or horrible you just are human & we all have our breaking points - not sure I could ever accept a child to be honest with you - I'd not blame the child I may even care for the child but I just could not deal with the issue .. but thats me. Others can and do and I admire them for that.

remember though she CHOSE the affair its her responsiblity not yours. Ler her take it. You refuse to.

No guarantees as my wife says so often ... only work, more work and ..the chance that LOVE, RESPECT, and HONOUR will come back into your M..it will be a new M ..I think I am getting there I hope you will too.

now start readng and make an appointment with a IC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I would like to suggest something different.

Since as your correctly pointed out, the baby is the truly innocent one in this ordeal, the overall best interests of the child should be paramount and that is why I would recommend that you seek out the services of a child psychologist to find out what is the best course of action to take in order to minimize any damage to him. Keep in mind that the more contact there exists between you and the baby, the harder it will be for him IF you end up separating from his mother.

If your W was not fighting with her own personal demons [her rape 25 years ago and yearning to be sexually with the OM] and the OM was not interested in the child, then it would be an easier matter for you and your W to remian married and raise the little one as your own, but since that is not the case then I'd suggest that you consider the advice I gave you.

Good luck.

TMCM

Most important things first, consult a lawyer. And ... consult a lawyer. Now that you are notified this child is not biologically yours, you do not have forever to decide not to care for him (him?). You may be compelled to support the child anyway if you do not take steps now, and while you may think you know what you want to do, keep your options open.

Also, I can't help but think your wife's apparent repentence may be temporary. I think it is very likely you may be being played for a chump. Which would explain why, now that you have apparently accepted the child, thus locking in your support commitment, she has no further reason to talk to you. I think she is still hooked up with him emotionally. Keep your options open. Don't be a chump this time, protect yourself.

"The best interests of the child" is a great concept, yet you are no more responsible for this child than anyone else on this planet. You did not adopt him. He was imposed on you by your wife, a deception a gazillion times worse than the deception of the affair itself. Make your decision based on what you want, don't be guilt-tripped here, you'll end up seething inside and that is not good for anyone.

I know you say you want to stay married, but was that a reflex reaction or a real thought-out decision considering the alternative? Just asking. I don't want you waking up in the middle of the night a few years from now, staring into space thinking, why did I want to stay, did I really weigh my options and truly decide, or was I just frightented of the unknown?

Rabbit

Campdog,

I would agree with this comment if you still had no knowledge of your W's affair and no knowledge that the OM was the father of the baby, but NOW that you've discovered the truth, YOUR choices to have daily contact with the child DO make you responsible for they will continue to affect the baby and THAT is why, considering the circumstances, you should also consult with a child psychologist to determine IF it may be best for the child for you to severe all contact with him before the bond between the two of you becomes even more stronger.

Furthermore here's what Dr Harley told a H whose W became pregnant by another man in What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with a Lover's Child:


This is very close to your situation and I think that you should read Dr Harley's comments in their entirety and consider them very seriously in order to move forward.

TMCM

I would question WHAT her motives are for another chance, are they for a genuine rebuilding of the marriage or are they because she fears to be a single parent with her reputation in total shambles with both your families and others close to both of you? Hopefully it will be the former, but until you find out for sure which one it is, I would consider you not committing one way or another to the marriage. In the meantime seek IC [individual counseling] as well legal counsel and, as I suggested earlier, child psychologist counseling ASAP. It is important that you become as much informed as possible so that you can make the wisest decision that you can live with no matter what.

TMCM

Once again I am filled with gratitude for the kindness and concern of strangers. Perhaps I can make things a little clearer and give you a little perspective. This baby is not our first child. I have a son who is nine and an adopted daughter who is seventeen. My wife is an executive and makes a very good living. She would have no trouble supporting herself and the children without me. She has been quite candid about the fact that she is in love with her lover and misses him. She has stated that he repeatedly asked her to leave the marriage and marry him throughout the affair. She says she came clean because she couldn't live the lie anymore. She says she chose to try to salvage our relationship because she knows she never gave it a real chance before. This is not my first marriage and I know I want to save it because of the value it has for me, not because I fear it's absence. I love the baby but I am prepared and capable of hardening my heart towards both he and my wife if the relationship doesn't work out. He is far to young to suffer any damge if I go out of his life in the next year or so. My wife has told me that if we split up she would not go to her lover but rather move away and try to sort out her personal issues alone.

Do I know if she's telling the truth? Of course not. She has lied to me and deceived me for years. I also believe she is still concealing things from me even though I have told her how important it is for her to be completely honest with me in order to let me begin trusting her again.

She could have chosen to leave the marriage and go to her lover who she loves. She is aware that she would be taking the same personal problems with her that have so far stoppped she and I from developing the loving relationship that she says she wants. She says this is why she stayed. I even told her that her own best chance for personal happiness would be to go with her heart, not her head. And I believe that she loves me as well while at the same time being aware that this may be ego, not reality.

My wife has formless memories of being raped behind her grandmother's house at around age eight. She has very vivid and horrific memories of being repeatedly raped by her uncle at around age ten or eleven. She repressed these memories for 25 years until they surfaced in my presence. She was nearly raped by another uncle at age 23 and only escaped by a miracle.

I think because of these experiences she developed a 'let's pretend it didn't happen' way of dealing with difficult emotional issues. Only now it was ME who had his heart and soul raped and she is MY rapist. Every day the rage and bitterness grows a little more as she resists dealing with the enormous issues she forces me to face alone. Every day it is just a little harder to give comfort and support to the woman I love so dearly and want so desperately to stay with. And I know without that love and support we will fail in our efforts to rebuild our marriage.

I believe in God and I ask him every day for strength and guidance. I also ask Him why He is doing this to me. I feel as though my heart is being ripped from my chest as I type these words. Myself, and the life I have built, are dying by inches and I don't know how many inches I have left.

Camp Dog,

Let me get my 2 cents in here.

Please consider starting a course of anti-depressents or something similiar to help take the edge off your emotions. On the advice of my IC, I started on an herbal product called SAM-e. It helped me to stabilize myself and to deal with the situation without tearing myself or others apart.

Please keep praying and maintaining your faith in God. IMHO, we are creatures of free will and what has happened was done by your W and OM , not God. He gave me the strength and the guidiance I needed to survive the darkest days of my FWW's A.

It is tough to be the one that puts out all the effort to save M in the early stages. Been there, done that but it is worth it. My W and I are doing much better than we have done in years.

Vaya con dios,

Campdog,

A couple of things.

First one is that right now your W is the last person you can count on to help you considering that she is still emotionally and physically attached to the OM as well as possibly dealing with her childhood rape trauma. I would recommend that you find a close relative who you know will support you no matter what decision you make; who won't offer shoot-from-the-hip opinions like 'dump the slut' after you tell him/her about the situation; and who you can trust to keep this a secret from others. If there is no such person then please get ahold of an IC [individual counselor].

Second one is that childhoood rape or not, there is no excuse for your W to have had an affair period. She is an adult, a mother and as a married woman should have stopped the crossing of marital boundaries [i.e. spending time alone with the OM, confiding with OM her personal and marital issues, expressing attraction to the OM, etc.].

Third one is that you must not settle for going back to the way things were for if you do then you will have put the marriage back to the way it was before you found out about her affair and the paternity of the baby. If you allow this to happen you will set the stage for a false recovery and possibly a reigniting of her affair with the OM at some later point in time. You MUST be committed to end the marriage, after some time from now, IF your W still wants to bury her affair and the pregnancy that resulted from it as though they did not happen.

Last, but most certainly not least, if your W is truly serious, then SHE MUST end ALL contact with the OM FOREVER otherwise everytime she even so much sees him from afar, she will be back to step 1. If the OM is someone she works with, then she MUST quit her job. Her committment in faithfully observing NC [no contact], despite the horrible withdrawl pains she will experience, will speak volumes to you as to her sincerity of wanting to save the marriage. Marital recovery cannot start until your W makes the committment to you and herself to put the OM out of her life FOREVER.

I highly recommend that you read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving an Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. Until you do, I strongly recommend that you read all the articles on this website concerning your situation.

You might also want to read the following links. They can help you tremendously with your own personal recovery.:

7 Tactics To [b]Use[/b] During an Affair.
12 Tactics To [b]Avoid[/b] During An Affair.
Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List.

Campdog, this site is called Marriage Builders, and just like building physical structures, you sometimes must tear down EVERYTHING down [including the foundation] in order to build a new and better structure. In order to do this there MUST be the equal committment from BOTH spouses otherwise it won't materialize. Remember that it's not just she who chooses to be with you but you as well choosing to be with her.

TMCM

Campdog

one thing I think you should do taking into account the lies & deceit of your w is to have a dna test done...if she lied about so much what makes you think she suddenly told the truth about this ??

Even if its a slim chance maybe the child is yours biologically as well as by simple acceptance.

If the M fails wouldnt you want to have your child protected and access assured?
Iknow you said it wont change the way you feel about the child and thats great, but it may allow you more room to move on rebuilding the M.

There's no doubt about who fathered the child. I am Italion American while my wife is half African (NOT African American) and half Italion. Her lover is African American. Our first son looks exactly like I did at his age. My wife tells me that the baby looks like his father. While I am uncomfortable with such labels the baby looks 'black' not 'white'.

I love my son and as I said earlier my feelings towards him are no different than they are towards my oldest. I looked carefully at myself when I first found out the truth and I was relieved to discover that my wife's affair had no effect on my feelings toward my newest son. The problem is that the SOB who knocked up my wife is now, 16 months after the conception, demanding his 'rights' to his child and my wife won't discuss a plan of action or tell me what she wants to do or what she considers best for the baby. God help us all.