Trix said...


Myself being a man who seems to have little function in life other than "footing the bill", this makes sense.

But far more important is that the marriage of a daughter is a MILESTONE in a man's life which cannot be underestimated in it's significance. For the daughter to not realize that is simply amazing! And for her, for any reason on earth except if she had been the constant victim of her fathers cruelty (which does not seem to be the case here), to even suggest shutting him out of this
occasion is just plain cruel to her father - and a sign of great immaturity on her part.

I think the Prof has well and truely wormed his way in - and not only into the Mom's heart. I can't imagine what the groom-to-be thinks about all this - or if he is blissfully unaware of it all. Somebody should bring him up to speed - at least on the undisputed fact - that his dear darling bride-to-be is shoving Dad aside for what? who? This, at least, we know. What happened between Prof and Mom are not particularly relevant to the groom - but his w-to-be's attitude should alarm him.

-AD

Maybe immaturity ... but methinks it is MORE a sign of some very irrational loyalty TO the Prof !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And this is highly suspicious to me.

Pep

So, Pep,

If DD is having an A with the Prof, why is she getting married to somebody (anybody) else? I'm just trying to understand. It this some kind of cake-eating-in-advance thing? Is her h-to-be rich? Influential? Fun-to-play with? I can't understand a young woman two-timing in this kind of situation.

The prof could no way shape of form be a future for DD. At least I don't see how she could think he would. Obviously she doesn't want him D'ed - and she has no illusions of marrying him. So what does she get out of him?

A young woman would only want an older man (and if you've forgotten, I'm 20 years older than my wife), if he can give her financial and social security. (Not that kind of social security LOL). That requires a commitment from him and almost certainly marriage. To just have an A with him - without trying to pry him lose from his W and marry him doesn't make any sense to me.

I suppose it could be just something that stroked the DD's pride. But the Prof is probably not that impressive. If he were a Senator or something, I could buy that, but an English professor? No young person is impressed by an English professor! (although, in case any of them are reading, they are in general excelent people and serve a vital role in the preparation of young people for success in life etc. etc. <whew!>)

Unless the DD had an A with the Prof in the past and Prof is trying to back out of it and move on to the next victim before DD gets any ideas of expecting a commitment from him - and has managed to do this in a way which retains her loyalty and "friendship" and... It's just such a long shot. It doesn't make sense to me.

More likely scenario (from my POV) is that DD likes the Prof - thinks of him as a kind "uncle" figure - and believes her Mom is innocent (of anything REALLY wrong). And, to preserve her Mom's reputation, she is forced to take the Prof's side in defending his innocence, since Prof's innocence is one and the same as Mom's innocence.

-AD

I must be dense, or maybe I imagine my own sitch and project it here, but it seems inconceivable that the DD could be involved with the Prof.

This seems like inferring malice, when sheer s2pidity will do just fine...

-ol' 2long

This is not totally unimaginable. My counselors son discovered that his wife was having an affair with his first cousin. She had been having the affair since before they married. The paternity of their children is questioned.

That was my question...why marry one guy while you are having an affair with another one?

Who can figure out the insanity of affairs ~ I don't think it is possible.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Send the wedding bill to the Prof, Coach.


Ok, just joking.

AD ... I donno nuttin ... this is just my female intuition speaking ....

and you know what .. I am female ... hear me roar!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ah yes, never underestimate the power of stupidity! LOL

But now that I think of it, all A's are stupidities - and stupidity mixed with malice has to be even more powerful.

-AD

Seems to me Prof comes off as a charming, supportive, misunderstood man to the daughters. You know....Daddy's little girl. The girls have been friends for a long time right? Maybe she had a childhood crush on him or something.
He is probably the kind of sociopath that and manipulate to get pretty much whatever he wants. He comes off looking like the underdog hero.

With he wedding so close... I hope you can find a way to be there. It is such a big deal.

DD is supposedly friends with the Prof's daughter? Makes it more likely she thinks of him as more of a uncle-figure than anything else. Unless Prof's daughter feeds him juicy young "friends" as a favor to dad. Stranger things have happened.

I would like to toss out another scenario for contemplation (keep in mind that I've only been married for five weeks)...

Is it possible that DD is saying that there's no way her mother is involved with the prof because she doesn't want to see her parents split up only days before the wedding? I could see how that situation might steal away her thunder, so even if she does know that there's something going on, maybe she's lying about it so that it doesn't upset her special day.

She could figure that as long as it's kept quiet until after the wedding, it doesn't matter what happens then.

Just a thought.

Cat

This is most sensible Cat... good for you!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I don't think DD is having an A with Prof. I think she's manipulated as well as manipulative. She learned from Mom. She's young and bought into the we're just friends scenario that Prof and WW have spewed out there for all who are naive to grasp. Who would do that? People with little life experience ergo daughters.

Before I experienced the trama of affairs, I thought it bad but not disgusting. Unless it's experienced, the searing pain can't be comphrehended. I am shocked at the people my daughter's age who think sex is a form of "Hello. Nice to meet you." If sex has been reduced to something so casual, then how horrible could this "friendship" be? Nothing is sacred.

I remember my 20's and what everyone thought of me was probably my first concern. Stupid. I was defined by my career and material possessions. Stupid. If my sentence didn't begin with "I" it ended with "me." Stupid. So that's what we're dealing with these daughters. Stupid.

When the realization of what these girls have done and what their parents (Prof & WW) have done to their families, they'll be devastated..unless they're the apple that falls closest to the tree.

DD's have been jerked around by the jerks in their families. They've bonded together because just as I did once, they consider they know it all. They're impressed with what they consider sophisticated. Coach and Prof's WW are just not as with it as these girls would like. The names they call these two remind me of middle school girls in the throws of puberty having a tift during gym class. Ridiculous, self centered, immature. They've gotten each other riled up over the situation and gossipped about things that are none of their business. Only a brat would call an adult the names this girl called Coach.

If I were soon to be son in law's parents, I would be frightened at all the red flags. Future DIL and MIL of their son show little class in how they conduct their lives. I would be doing all I could to get my son out of this marriage.

This is a pretty bizarre (albeit interesting) thread. All the conjecture and theories about what is really going on here, while the person who actually knows the people involved doesn't even know what's happening.

I think the Prof has an accomplice on the grassy knoll!

Coach, hope you get to the bottom of this soon - you don't need this kind of drama in your life.

Shattered, Your grassy knoll comment made me laugh out loud.

Coach, I hope you are hanging in there.

I’m having a bad time trying to think strait and know what’s best to do or at least what’s correct to do right now.

Briefly, here are some random thoughts…in no particular order of priority. And folks…these are just thoughts and feelings…accepts actual actions taken…most of this is about things going on in my mind that I’m kind of just “saying out loud.” That I’m kicking around…so please…disagree if you choose but spare me the acrimony if disapprove of my feelings. Thinking about doing something, wanting to do it and doing something …these are all different.

1. I don’t believe for a minute that my DD is having anything like an inappropriate relationship with the Prof. Not the kind you guys are describing anyway. I throw up at the thought of it …so call me stupid if you will but I refuse to even consider it possible.
2. Did my wife have sex with the Prof that night? Who cares?! How much worse could that last and final act of betrayal make the situation?
3. What is going on with my DD? Why is she behaving in this way? What have I done to cause this anger in her? I think it all has to do with her perception of the situation. She’s sees this relationship between her mother and the Prof as being a friendship that is no concern of mine. In other words, having friendships independent of me is her mother’s prerogative and for me to react as I am makes me a Neanderthal. Worse yet, my “childish behavior” is causing rain to fall on her marriage parade, which is something, the Prof in his maturity, would never do.
4. She is angry because she judges my refusal to have discussed this matter with my WW to date…for having refused a discussion with her (DD)…at the time she called to do that very thing…as being arbitrary and immature. She sees this whole thing as me pouting and acting out childishly…and doing it at a time when she has neither the time, patience nor inclination to deal with my little snit.
5. She is furious that in what she perceives as my immaturity, I have acted in a way that has caused terrible damage to the lives of all concerned…her good friend, the Prof, the Prof’s wife and her mother. She is furious with my lack of sensitivity and what she sees as my selfishness.
6. She has no clue to what extend this matter is now going to proceed. She sees this as me being angry for a while and then everything being all better…but she also sees that it will now fall to her to fix what I have broken…the marriage between the Prof and his soon to be ex-wife.
7. She does not for a minute believe that I will not be at her wedding.
8. Last night my WW didn’t come home.
9. I have no ideas where she is and I have of course not herd from her.
10. I met with my attorney this morning and told her to proceed with the divorce papers.
11. I have frozen all financial assets in both of our names. Nothing can be liquidated or accesed with out two signatures. Further I informed the mangers of these accounts that any proposed transaction needed to be flagged and verbally verified by myself and my WW before they could be completed. My attorney has followed up these instruction in writing. Only our joint checking account can be accesses individually. I have opened up a new bank account for my payroll deposit. Credit cards have been cancelled.
12. I have arranged to move for the near future into a condo-hotel in Ft. Lauderdale where Jake and I will be going tomorrow.
13. I will not be attending my daughter’s wedding.
14. I have e-mailed my other children explaining my position and my actions.
15. I have Fed-Exd a check to my daughter for the balance due on her wedding.
16. I have e-mailed her fiancé and his parents apologizing to them and explaining my position.
17. I have no desire or intention of discussing this with anyone at this time…my soon to be ex wife, children, family, friends or any one else. I simply want to be alone and to be left alone.
18. I will not file a police report and have no intention of making the biting incident public knowledge.
19. I have not vilified any one to any one. I have done nothing other then to define my values and the action I am taking to serve those values.
20. I have asked no one to do anything on my behalf…takes sides…speak to any
one…express anger or approval or disapproval.
21. I simply cannot “hang in” till my daughter is married.

More later after I write my blog tonight.
Coach

Coach,

I don't imagine you came here for our approval of your chosen path. All the same, it probably doesn't hurt any of us to hear some approval now and then.

I think you have chosen a wise path.

The financial work was crucial. It will be bitterly decried, but it is, I think, appropriate in the situation.

My only concern is your attendance/non-attendance at the wedding. If you are resolved to D, then I think there is nothing to gain by missing the wedding - and much to lose. It will be easy to regret having gone - but that regret will be much lighter - if it turns out to be a regret at all - than the regret you will feel for missing it - especially if you later learn that your DD was simply, as 2Long put it "s2pid" and not malicious.

Good sunsets to you, Coach.

Also, if you have any who aren't mixed up in all this, find an old friend (no ladies). Jake is a good companion, but maybe not quite enough comfort.

-AD

... and I think that before the event - perhaps on the very eve of it, your daughter will call you and say - with the propper respect this time, that she would very much like to have her Daddy give her away and has asked Prof to forgo the occasion.

The sooner the D papers are served and filed, the more likely this will happen. Your DD will need a day or two to realize and accept that, this time, she can't control her dad - but she still needs him.

Coach,

I think you are founded in most of what you are feeling or doing, with the exception of your daughters wedding. I know she has hurt you with some of her actions, accusations, etc., but when you look back on your life, it is these large events, these "life moments" that mean so much. It would seem a shame to miss that.

On the other hand, you know yourself. And if your presence right now, given the emotional state you are in, prohibits that experience from being pleasant for everyone involved, maybe it is best you not go.

What a difficult place to be in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Coach -

I have absolutely no advise, consoling, etc... I wanted to say though that am glad you and Jake are getting out of there and into your own place. Hopefully that will give you some semblance of peace.

God bless and you are in my prayers...