I realize I have issues with forgiveness... to put it bluntly, I just don't seem to forgive many things.

I have gone to the extremes of cutting people off my life altogether and forgetting they ever actually existed or crossed paths with me. I know this is true, because old friends will remind me of them, and they are so far gone on my brain I have to concentrate really hard to remember them, and if and when I do I get angry just the same and forget them again altogether.

What is the problem with me? I don't know, I guess I trust people and when they turn around and violate that trust I see red, my brain goes blank later and I just decide to forget, otherwise I'd never trust anybody again.

The problem now is getting really bad.
I have yet to forgive all of my FWH's transgressions, and my patience has been really tested and extended painfully as it is now. I don't know how long I have untill the time runs out and one day I pack my bags and disappear.

To make matters worse the latest experience with my father being a shameless WH and my mother letting him walk all over her make me wonder... am I doing the same?
I am enraged with her lack of action, and this rage is setting things up for me to loose my patience with my own H.

Now, I tried making compartments for both situations, tried to differentiate them and keep them appart to be fair with my FWH, who has indeed been trying... he is just slow... he is very slow doing anything really, from ordering food to getting ready, so, I am patient.

The divider between both things is crumbling fast, and my patience is going even faster. I find myself snapping at my FWH more often, and I am reverting to not allowing him to touch me in public due to embarrassement (I admit it, I feel embarrassed when he touches me in public), and also due to resentment.

I feel like cutting my parents out of my life untill further notice, clam up and not say a word to either of them untill I have my head cold and the rage subsides. But what will this rage turn into? Resentment, untold pain?, I don't know, and I am wondering if I want to find out.

My stomach has been a mess, can't eat, can't sleep, can't seem to deal with it without feeling violently ill or ill tempered. I tried distracting myself with a book, but I am a very fast reader, and at only 300 pages it just lasted me a little over 3 hours, and its all nice and good to be absorbed into a story, but once its done I am still facing the fact that I can't deal with this mess right now.
Working out won't help, no matter how hard I run, how much excersice I do I still feel like [email]cr@p.[/email]

My brother talks to me and passes along demands from both my mother and father, my mother asks me to talk to my father like nothing ever happened, my father just wants me to do things for his new journalistic project and demands for things as if I was in the mood to even look on his general direction without wanting to kill him with laser vision.

It is just unfortunate that when I finally get a break from work and school to work on my marriage and all the bad things that have transpired in the last 5-4 years and seem to be making progress I have allowed myself to enter this tail spin and think obsesively on all this problems.

I feel that my responsibility is to fix all this problems, to keep everything clear and make my family move forward into a better future, a future when we don't find out this OW is poking her ugly nose back into our business, a future when my father finally understands he's done wrong, a furture when I am not resentful at my own FWH anymore.

I just don't know how to do this. I don't know how to manage it at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hello my dear,

I'm wondering if your father has been a WH for a long time. Or if your father has always done things that felt like betrayal/lies/violating your MUMS trust. If so, it's quite possible that you have "inherited" the BS' feelings from your mum, even before you became a BS yourself.

This should make you very, very vulnerable to the pain of being betrayed in whatever way. It would also make it very hard to witness such betrayal in your own family.

Is this forgetting also what your mum does do get past hurtful things?

Sorry to be somewhat analyzing here. But I've learned (the hard way) that we all tend to repeat the patterns our parents show us (rather than the ones they try to teach us). And that the way out is to see that's just what it is - a pattern, something we've been used to since childhood, but not an absolute reality.

My father has been a WH on and off for as long as I have been alive. This brought a lot of upheaval here and there, and made our home life pretty much a mess everytime he got caught.
When I met my now FWH I didn't really give him a second thought, and I had been in many relationships by then, but broken all of them because I didn't like the idea of being in any kind of committed relationship. If the poor guy called me his "girlfriend" at any point, it was time for me to get up and run as fast as I could to avoid disaster.

My FWH was 7 years older than me and had been in this abusive relationship with his XGF who he seemed to be pinning for in the most destructive way.

When he started to persue me I told him to get away, and I really didn't want anything to do with somebody who would let anybody walk all over him like he did.
After a year of knowing me he kept saying he had changed, that he was ready for a mature relationship etc etc. Silly me, I believed him, and that was the fattest lie I ever heard.


Indeed it makes me incredibly vulnerable, and it makes me a very private, very anti-social person. I have battled with the idea of running away to a convent with a vow of silence since I was just 7 years old. The battle never goes on too long because I never have been much of a believer and also living with so many women might drive me insane at some point.

By now seeing this happening over and over again is eating slowly at my heart and my strength and hopes that my marriage will ever be any better. I feel foolish, since I evaded the same fate for so long, just to find myself married to a FWH myself.

My mom forgives too much, and she lets my dad scott free. She claims she gets furious and puts him on his place; but it is obvious to me he is stationary and thinks he is the one thats right on this whole mess. Maybe that is why I have such trouble ever forgiving anybody at all.


I don't mind the analyzing at all, it is very helpful brownhair, and I do appreciate it more than I can express.

It does seem I am repeating a pattern, but I have been fighting the pattern so hard ever since I can remember that my failure is killing me.
My brother now seems to be getting as scared to committment as I once was, and they are getting to him just as bad.
I sometimes feel that if I don't do something, this viscious cirle will never break.

I feel like I have to see all this as unforgivable to be able to escape, and I am not sure that's as healthy as I want to make it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ALostWife - Here comes the "map." Actually there are two maps, but you only get to choose one and have to leave the other one behind. "Choose wisely, grasshopper," as the saying goes.

1. You are perfect, sinless, and incapable of doing anything wrong at any time. Everyone IS beneath you and MUST follow your standards and desires or they WILL be "cast out." There is NO hope for redemption for those who have the temerity to "go against" what you want and there is NOTHING that they can ever do that will "repay" in full the DEBT that they accumulated with you by being less than perfect and by actually choosing to do things in opposition to your wants, desires, and standards.

YOU are on the throne of your life and all others ARE beneath you. THe "best" that any of those who have sinned against you can attain is your "tolerance" of their presence. Their only other "option" is banishment from your presence, but never restoration, equality, and forgiveness.


2. You are a sinner before God. YOU need God's forgiveness for your sins and His forgiveness of YOUR debt to Him. So huge is that debt owed to Him that you could never repay it, even if you had 1000 years to live and work at repaying it. Once THAT path to forgiveness is chosen for your yourself, forgiveness of others who have sinned against you and also repented of what THEY did becomes not only possible, but required AS God forgave you your "trespasses."

Time to stop "floundering" and make a choice, isn't it?

God bless.